Terrible Jokes Thread

A

a_skeleton_01

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A woman has twin sons with mouths like sailors. They're always swearing and she can't take it anymore. One night she says to her husband, "If these kids swear one more time I'm gonna punch 'em out". He says, "Hey, go ahead and do what you're gotta do, they're your kids."

The next morning, the two twins come down for breakfast. She says to the first twin, "What do you want for breakfast?" Kid says, "Umm... I'll have some fucking pancakes". BOOM! She hits him. He goes down. He's on the ground. His jaw is all messed up. He's all bloody and stuff. She looks at the second son. She says, "Now you. What you want for breakfast?" So he looks at his brother all bloody on the ground, looks back up at his mom, looks at his brother again, and he says, "A sure as hell don't want any fucking pancakes".
 
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BoozeCube

BoozeCube

Von Clippowicz
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hqdefault.jpg


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Evernothing

Evernothing

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How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. Men can be feminists too.
 
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Hoss

Hoss

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One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Joey standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.

It was covered with names and had a small American flags mounted on both sides of it.The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, “Good morning, Joey.”
“Good morning Pastor,” he replied, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor, what is this? “
The pastor said, “Well son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Joey’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, “Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:30?”
 
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Hoss

Hoss

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John was told that a twin-engine plane would be waiting at the airport.
Arriving at the airport he spotted a plane warming up outside the hanger.
He jumped in, said ‘Lets go’.
The pilot taxied and took off.
Once in the air John told the pilot: ‘Fly low over the valley so I can take pictures of the fire on the hill’
Pilot : Why.?
John : Because I’m the photographer for a television show. I need to get some close up shots.
Pilot was strangely silent for a moment, then he stammered ‘So, what You’re telling me is . . . You’re not my flying instructor’?
Life is Short...

ALWAYS ASK….NEVER ASSUME.!
 
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Gnomedolf

Gnomedolf

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Jesus and Satan were having an arguement about who was better at using a computer.

They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to setup a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.' So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports .
They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: 'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!' Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate. 'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'

God just shrugged and said, JESUS SAVES...
 
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Gnomedolf

Gnomedolf

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A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her labia reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.

'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!' The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:

'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'

'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.'

'And what about the third rose ?' she asked.

'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!
 
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Gnomedolf

Gnomedolf

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I told my girlfriend that she would look better with her hair back.

Apparently, that's an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
 
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Gnomedolf

Gnomedolf

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A woman gets cheated on by her husband. Devastated, she doesn't know how to continue to live her life. She heard that there's a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decide to go there to consult him. After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reach the top and meet the wise monk. "I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he left me with a young woman. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do". The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he ask: "Is the cookie delicious?" "Yes"- she answer. "Do you want another one?" "Sure, please". The monk look her in the eyes and said "Do you see the problem now?" The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speak. "I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for that". The monk shake his head "No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less."
 
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Gnomedolf

Gnomedolf

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A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of chili.
The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".
 
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Gnomedolf

Gnomedolf

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Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."
 
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Porkchop

Porkchop

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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
 
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Gnomedolf

Gnomedolf

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I was watching a movie with my son the other day and he got really scared. He said, "Daddy, is that woman going to die?"

I said, "Judging by the size of that horse's cock, I'd say yes."
 
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Evernothing

Evernothing

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A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend

Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together, leaving me behind without so much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?
 
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Hoss

Hoss

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A man returns home a day early from a business trip.
It's after midnight. While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness, because the man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband
switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife, naked as a jay bird, with a man, totally nude also. The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, “Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.”
  • HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
  • HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat.
  • HE paid for your season tickets.
  • HE paid for our house at the lake.
  • HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.
  • HE paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues.
  • And because of HIM, I can put an extra $2,000 in our checking account each month.

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do'?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket, before he catches a cold.'
 
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Raign

Raign

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Guy walks into a whore house and ask the madam what he can get for $20. 'We only have Sandpaper Sally that cheap'.
Being super horny and desperate, the guy agrees and is lead to a room where the young woman is waiting. He jumps in bed and they start going at it... but is feels... awful. Like sticking his dick in a wood-chipper awful.
'Gah! What is wrong with you.. this feels terrible!'
'Oh, just hold on a minute' Sally replies and disappears into the bathroom. After a few minutes she comes back and they resume.
This time though, it feels amazing and the guy cums almost immediately.
'Wow, that was amazing!!! I have to ask.. what did you do in the bathroom to make it feel so much better?'

"Oh, I picked all the scabs off"
 
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Raign

Raign

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A priest is teaching an Indian chief English as they walk through a field together.
The priest points at a tree, and says 'Tree'
'Mmm.. Tree' responds the chief
They keep walking and the priest points to a large rock and say 'Rock'.
'Mmm.. Rock' responds the chief.
'Very good!'. The two keep walking, crossing into a small clump of trees where the come across a woman and and a man going at it. The priest, horrible embarrassed, exclaims, 'uh.. man riding a bicycle!'
The Indian chief immediately pulls the bow off of his back and shoots the man.
'IN THE NAME OF THE HOLY FATHER WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?!?!' screamed the priest
'Mmm... my bike'
 
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