Vanessa's Tranny AMA Blog Thread

popsicledeath · Mar 4, 2017

Vanessa said:
I'm treated like a woman by everyone I meet.

Here as well, with some people being buttholes, but most wanting to see yours. Is it ever annoying being treated like a woman/object?

Ossoi · Mar 4, 2017

Birth defect in boys 'caused by hairspray | Daily Mail Online

More evidence to support my "modern chemicals = gays and trannies" theory

Azrayne · Mar 5, 2017

Short answer is no.

To make that both relatable and give perspective, realizing I'll never be a cis-woman gives me as much worry as perhaps you or other average joes worry that you'll never be a movie star, world-touring musician, president, young again, etc etc. I can objectively say, "I'll never be cis... I am, was, and always will be only and just a transgendered woman" but you have to understand that's not how I feel and it's not how I'm treated.

To make it easier for you to understand... you can say to yourself and it be 100% true and objective that you are only and just a small, carbon-based life form living on a rock that rotates around a star with a relatively short life-span. But that fact / thought doesn't govern your every day life experience, if you know what I mean. We ARE that, yes, but our lives are so much richer when you weigh the everyday experiences of living, loving, laughing... just being human and all the complex emotions that come with that.

That's what it's like for me. I can nod, and say to you, true, I'll never be cis... but my life experience day to day is no different than any other woman's experience. I'm treated like a woman by everyone I meet. I don't view my soul (or whatever you'd like to call it) as masculine at all; I'm a female soul that finally has an outer shell to match... and it feels fucking incredible, to be honest.

Fair enough, more power to you then I guess.

You might have gone into this earlier (I tried to go back through the thread, but it got Hodjed up good), but do you feel that the social stress of not passing accounts for any degree of the high rate of suicide among trans people? More loosely speaking, why do you think it seems like all the trannies are so fucking miserable and dysfunctional? Allowing of course for the self selection there - ie. happy trannies probably make less noise about being trannies.

I suppose the other follow up would be - if you've been a trans woman your whole life, how on earth did you function for 35 years acting as a regular man?

Do you think there's another perceivable course in your life in which you could have not transitioned and somehow made a comfortable and fulfilling existence for yourself?

And does it ever bother you that maintaining your outer feminine identity and appearance requires constant artificial maintenance, and that you could slide back into not passing if there were some financial/structural disruption (lose job, changing legislation, insurance problems, zombie apocalypse, etc)?

Speaking of your job, have you been at the same workplace over the course of the transitioning process? If you have, how did that go down?

For what it's worth, you look nothing close to 38. Jesus. I would have pegged you 30 at the oldest. Although my perspective might be a little warped since Aussie woman age super fast (I think it's all the sun exposure - not good for the skin).

jayrebb · Mar 5, 2017

Ossoi said:
Birth defect in boys 'caused by hairspray | Daily Mail Online

More evidence to support my "modern chemicals = gays and trannies" theory

Also I believe flame retardants used in clothing (all cotton/textile has to be treated with flame retardants by US law) have also proven to be estrogenic in some way due to a possible link to breast cancer. I heard women's bras can possibly be a contributory cause via flame retardants.

Also a large majority of childrens toys and infant plastics are treated with the same stuff. For example, a baby stroller is 100% flame retardant treated by manufacturers choice, not by law. Its a big business selling flame retardants because you can threaten the company basically. So Dow Chemical or Monsanto can be like "oh we see you're a new manufacturer, got flame retardants yet?" Its an instant sale. Its like the SJW of good manufacturing practices. Its like calling a corporation and asking if they'd like to hire some more African-American Harvard graduates per chance? There is no such thing as saying no to flame retardants.

They don't want the liability.

No link offhand unfortunately, but its worth throwing out there since we're mentioning toxic chemicals. I used to wonder why hippies would only wear clothes they spun themselves out of hemp or whatever and shunned t-shirts, I figured it was anti-consumer anti-corporate...then I started researching flame retardants and dyes and processing chemicals.

Suddenly all that 1970's bullshit made a lot more sense.

jayrebb · Mar 5, 2017

Azrayne said:
For what it's worth, you look nothing close to 38. Jesus. I would have pegged you 30 at the oldest. Although my perspective might be a little warped since Aussie woman age super fast (I think it's all the sun exposure - not good for the skin).

I've seen this a lot in Oz from watching street interviews on youtube. I blame the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki-- despite westerly winds making it unlikely to be involved, it just sounds like a good scapegoat.

And the skin cancer on Hugh Jackman, 6-7 spots by his 40's... And that guy is pretty well tan. You've got to have a big hole in the ozone over your heads. Your sun hits really fucking hard

Azrayne · Mar 5, 2017

I can't see Hirosaki having anything to do with it, otherwise all the Asians would be getting fucked as well.

Although the effect is actually pretty similar, just at a different age. Aussie chicks hit 25 and jump to 35, Asian chicks hit 45 and jump to 60. Sucks but what can you do (well date Asians I guess...)

And yeah the skin cancer thing is a huge issue. When I was living in Brisbane (which is only half way up the East Coast) it was something they were constantly doing public awareness campaigns about, I don't remember the exact number but it's definitely in the top 5 killers for the area. Now I'm down south a bit it's not as bad, but most white people I know still see a dermatologist every year or two and regularly get any funky looking spots sliced out.

I'm actually kind of worried about it tbh, both of my parents are currently alive and healthy, but they had a shitton of spots sliced out of their backs during their 40's and 50's, and I definitely got the full brunt of the "burn/peel/spot" genes.

Skin cancer - Cancer Council Australia

Approximately, two in three Australians will be diagnosed with skin cancer by the time they are 70, with more than 750,000 people treated for one or more non-melanoma skin cancers in Australia each year. Non-melanoma skin cancer is more common in men, with almost double the incidence compared to women.

Holy shit I'm fucked. Let's go back to talking about trannys please so I can ignore my impending doom.

jayrebb · Mar 5, 2017

Blimey now that's even got me regretting my childhood years spent outdoors.

*hisses at sun* *adorns hooded cloak*

Back to the chicks with dicks.

Vanessa · Mar 5, 2017

jayrebb said:
Back to the chicks with dicks.

Okay

Azrayne said:
Fair enough, more power to you then I guess.

You might have gone into this earlier (I tried to go back through the thread, but it got Hodjed up good), but do you feel that the social stress of not passing accounts for any degree of the high rate of suicide among trans people? More loosely speaking, why do you think it seems like all the trannies are so fucking miserable and dysfunctional? Allowing of course for the self selection there - ie. happy trannies probably make less noise about being trannies.

Yes, I don't need to explain anything; you just answered your own question accurately.

Azrayne said:
I suppose the other follow up would be - if you've been a trans woman your whole life, how on earth did you function for 35 years acting as a regular man?

Awkwardly. A common thing I heard from others that knew/know me for years is that the old me, the d00d, was awkward and had a cloud follow me around everywhere. I haven't heard a single person tell me that they liked "him" more than "me". My own self-assessment is this shoddy example (which I may have mentioned earlier in the thread), in that in hindsight, it mentally felt like I was wearing a 3-piece tuxedo my whole life. It wasn't comfortable, but it was what I was supposed to wear to fit in at the gala. It now feels like I'm wearing pajamas everywhere. I don't have to worry about being uncomfortable on that mental level. I can't remember the last time I've been "nervous" doing something. Not saying it's impossible, but my self-confidence is really really good now. Understand too that I didn't know it was possible to transition for this 35 year timeline. Yes, I knew what I felt, but that doesn't translate into knowing what I could do to realistically change that. Even when the pieces of the puzzle started to fall into place, I was still scared to death of doing it.

Azrayne said:
Do you think there's another perceivable course in your life in which you could have not transitioned and somehow made a comfortable and fulfilling existence for yourself?

There are unhappy people all over the place. My brother is a chubby, miserable, middle-aged person who ultimately is scared of the world and his place in it. He has two kids too. He gets through life okay though. Lots of depressed people are making it out there. I guarantee there are thousands upon thousands of old, fat, hairy men that are closeted transsexuals that want so so badly just to be a young girl if they could. Their fear keeps them closeted and will so until they're dead. I would have been an uncomfortable man, going through the motions with a smokey veil, seeing the world in greyscale hues my whole life. Not suicidal, no, but far far from grace and happiness.

Azrayne said:
And does it ever bother you that maintaining your outer feminine identity and appearance requires constant artificial maintenance, and that you could slide back into not passing if there were some financial/structural disruption (lose job, changing legislation, insurance problems, zombie apocalypse, etc)?

I lose sleep everyday worrying about those zombles !

Well yeah, putting on makeup, getting dressed, fixing my hair up, epilating, tweezing, etc.. it gets old. Cis girls will tell you the same thing... THAT aspect is a burden of women, not just trans-women. Hell, I went to the store yesterday without a single dab of makeup on and the young white dude at the register was complimenting me on my look; I just said "thank you, I slapped all this together and I'm not wearing makeup" and he said I looked nice regardless. It's not uncommon anymore to be complimented by strangers. I think page 1 has my no-makeup look. Judge for yourself.

Azrayne said:
Speaking of your job, have you been at the same workplace over the course of the transitioning process? If you have, how did that go down?

I came out to my immediate boss and she had to tell her boss and HR because she never dealt with that and then her boss and HR had to tell civil rights because THEY had never dealt with that. Apparently, state-wide, there had been ONE other case of a trans-girl somewhere on the other side of the state that civil rights dealt with so the entire process was very new to all involved. I could honestly write a novel on this singular topic alone, so I'll be succinct and just say: Yes I'm at the same place, yes it was difficult, yes some people who knew me before still very rarely misgender me, no I don't think it's on purpose, no it's not really an issue anymore.

Azrayne said:
For what it's worth, you look nothing close to 38. Jesus. I would have pegged you 30 at the oldest. Although my perspective might be a little warped since Aussie woman age super fast (I think it's all the sun exposure - not good for the skin).

Thank you; I agree... 28 is probably my "look" and I'm good with this! HRT made my skin really soft and even. A cis-girlfriend once ran her fingers up and down my arm at dinner and said, "Jesus, I hate you... you're so soft".

Lunis · Mar 5, 2017

Azrayne · Mar 5, 2017

Yes, I don't need to explain anything; you just answered your own question accurately.

If for the sake of discussion we accept that hypothesis (and I'm leery about it, but taking that line of conversation further involves digging up studies and what not, and frankly I cbf right now), what do you think we should do about the individuals who will never pass? I mean either way they're fucked, right? Do you think there could/should be a viable alternative for people who suffer gender dysphoria but don't stand a chance in hell of ever passing (in terms of therapy to help re-orient them to their sex, as opposed to transition meds/surgery)?

Awkwardly. A common thing I heard from others that knew/know me for years is that the old me, the d00d, was awkward and had a cloud follow me around everywhere. I haven't heard a single person tell me that they liked "him" more than "me". My own self-assessment is this shoddy example (which I may have mentioned earlier in the thread), in that in hindsight, it mentally felt like I was wearing a 3-piece tuxedo my whole life. It wasn't comfortable, but it was what I was supposed to wear to fit in at the gala. It now feels like I'm wearing pajamas everywhere. I don't have to worry about being uncomfortable on that mental level. I can't remember the last time I've been "nervous" doing something. Not saying it's impossible, but my self-confidence is really really good now. Understand too that I didn't know it was possible to transition for this 35 year timeline. Yes, I knew what I felt, but that doesn't translate into knowing what I could do to realistically change that. Even when the pieces of the puzzle started to fall into place, I was still scared to death of doing it.

I guess I find it hard to imagine that someone could feel the way you say you felt and still just get up and out of bed and go to work and hang out with friends and all that, but maybe I'm projecting my own existential angst here :/

But I do have to say, it seems like you're basing a lot of this on what other people say about you. I'm sure you've considered the fact that people aren't always honest, especially when it comes to such volatile social issues. Do you think there's a chance that you're at least in part falling for the "stunning and brave" effect?

I find it interesting the way you frame the whole transition process -the way you describe it it sounds kind of like a self improvement project, like weight loss or quitting smoking, except perhaps on a larger scale. The identity aspect I kinda just draw a blank on, since I find it pretty hard to relate to. But self development I can get behind.

I lose sleep everyday worrying about those zombles ! Well yeah, putting on makeup, getting dressed, fixing my hair up, epilating, tweezing, etc.. it gets old. Cis girls will tell you the same thing... THAT aspect is a burden of women, not just trans-women. Hell, I went to the store yesterday without a single dab of makeup on and the young white dude at the register was complimenting me on my look; I just said "thank you, I slapped all this together and I'm not wearing makeup" and he said I looked nice regardless. It's not uncommon anymore to be complimented by strangers. I think page 1 has my no-makeup look. Judge for yourself.

I was thinking more in terms of hormones etc. I'm not familiar with the specifics, but I assume you need to continue to take various pills/injections to maintain your hormone levels, right? I know I occasionally wig out at the thought of what would happen if I lost access to my Buprenorphine/naloxone - Wikipedia , but at least that would only be temporary (if horrifying) withdrawals, it's not something I base my identity around. The idea of being reliant on some external input to maintain your sense of self seems kinda terrifying.

Oh, and gotta address the attention whoring - did that come after the transition, or was it something you just suppressed as a dude?

Vanessa · Mar 5, 2017

Azrayne said:
If for the sake of discussion we accept that hypothesis (and I'm leery about it, but taking that line of conversation further involves digging up studies and what not, and frankly I cbf right now), what do you think we should do about the individuals who will never pass? I mean either way they're fucked, right? Do you think there could/should be a viable alternative for people who suffer gender dysphoria but don't stand a chance in hell of ever passing (in terms of therapy to help re-orient them to their sex, as opposed to transition meds/surgery)?

Where I live, my endocrinologist takes care of many many trans people as he's the only one (at least when I started; that could've changed through the years) in a fairly large city. He has seen, by his own admission, many different trans patients of differing ages / backgrounds etc. He's a good guy... really seems to care about the issues and concerns of us. By his own account, there is a strong correlation between happiness and passability.

Azrayne said:
I guess I find it hard to imagine that someone could feel the way you say you felt and still just get up and out of bed and go to work and hang out with friends and all that, but maybe I'm projecting my own existential angst here :/

That's why I brought up depression. Depressed people do it all the time. They get up, they work, they hang out with friends. Because you suffer from something you just don't completely shut down, raise the white flag then shrivel up and die. Life goes on and you deal with it the best way an individual knows how. This was my 35 years... not depressed (though as a teen I was on Zoloft due to depression, yeah) but living as a guy. I went on as best as I knew how. I didn't know transition was a real thing. I simply didn't know. I saw trannies in porn and thought they were physically born that way; like they had this super feminine look and just had a dick too... that they were these rare unicorns. I didn't know I could transition, and when I realized it could be possible, I came out and did it.

Azrayne said:
But I do have to say, it seems like you're basing a lot of this on what other people say about you. I'm sure you've considered the fact that people aren't always honest, especially when it comes to such volatile social issues. Do you think there's a chance that you're at least in part falling for the "stunning and brave" effect?

Define "a lot of this" for me, as I'm a tad unsure where you're going with this thought process. People, especially strangers, are good litmus tests to determine what is true about an individual. If I felt I was an amazing singer, it would be kinda futile to just shun what others thought about my singing. If I sang and heard a lot of "it could use work" feedback, I'd be insane if I said "well you're just wrong... I'm a good singer because I feel I'm a good singer and that's all that matters!". I've been around enough people to know what is flattery and what is legitimate. When I'm at work and Joe-Blow says he's new in town, I look good, asks if I have a boyfriend, and he wants my number... I don't think he sees this poor tranny that he's just trying to cheer up. What is the "stunning and brave" effect??? It's possible I could fall for anything... it's also possible you're all robots and I'm the only real human in a giant test-tube called the universe and I'm being studied. I prefer to live in reality though, and reality dictates that I'm much happier post transition than pre transition

Azrayne said:
I find it interesting the way you frame the whole transition process -the way you describe it it sounds kind of like a self improvement project, like weight loss or quitting smoking, except perhaps on a larger scale. The identity aspect I kinda just draw a blank on, since I find it pretty hard to relate to. But self development I can get behind.

K

Azrayne said:
I was thinking more in terms of hormones etc. I'm not familiar with the specifics, but I assume you need to continue to take various pills/injections to maintain your hormone levels, right? I know I occasionally wig out at the thought of what would happen if I lost access to my Buprenorphine/naloxone - Wikipedia , but at least that would only be temporary (if horrifying) withdrawals, it's not something I base my identity around. The idea of being reliant on some external input to maintain your sense of self seems kinda terrifying.

Oh, and gotta address the attention whoring - did that come after the transition, or was it something you just suppressed as a dude?

Not going to lie, I find it hard trying to figure out where you're going with things in your post but I'm making an honest attempt. Yes, I think I would have a nervous breakdown if I didn't have my meds. Yes it makes me feel dependent and weak like an abused spouse LoL! But I don't worry about NOT having my meds as they're cheap enough. I get the impression that a lot of your questions are centered around worry and my fundamental psyche or personality or state of being is not a worrier, y'know what I mean? It's like... if I did NOT have my meds, I'd probably have more serious problems to face as to WHY I don't have them, if that makes sense... in other words: What would cause me in my simple life to NOT have them in the first place? I'd have to be in jail, or kidnapped, or homeless, or zombles etc etc and all those issues are a much more serious crisis than having my hormone levels unbalanced.... see what I mean?

I dunno guy; I'm just not a worry wart

Attention whoring: I think this particular thread is the only instance of gratuitous attention whoring in my life heh... I play on NL server and rarely "talk" or chat. In bars, venues, or places it's not like I'm super loud and obnoxious, but I have no qualms being stared at either. Do I love to get compliments? Yep! Even when old black dudes give me compliments irl, it's gross but still feels good at the same time haha. If you want a clean answer: after the transition.

Sludig · Mar 5, 2017

jayrebb said:
Also I believe flame retardants used in clothing (all cotton/textile has to be treated with flame retardants by US law) have also proven to be estrogenic in some way due to a possible link to breast cancer. I heard women's bras can possibly be a contributory cause via flame retardants.

Also a large majority of childrens toys and infant plastics are treated with the same stuff. For example, a baby stroller is 100% flame retardant treated by manufacturers choice, not by law. Its a big business selling flame retardants because you can threaten the company basically. So Dow Chemical or Monsanto can be like "oh we see you're a new manufacturer, got flame retardants yet?" Its an instant sale. Its like the SJW of good manufacturing practices. Its like calling a corporation and asking if they'd like to hire some more African-American Harvard graduates per chance? There is no such thing as saying no to flame retardants.

They don't want the liability.

No link offhand unfortunately, but its worth throwing out there since we're mentioning toxic chemicals. I used to wonder why hippies would only wear clothes they spun themselves out of hemp or whatever and shunned t-shirts, I figured it was anti-consumer anti-corporate...then I started researching flame retardants and dyes and processing chemicals.

Suddenly all that 1970's bullshit made a lot more sense.

Semi related is so much stuff in caulking, and cotton batting and many other products also all coated in anti fungal/bacterial shit. I'm sure those can't be good long term in contact with you. It's a hassle for me as cheap 100% polyster fill is needed for aquarium filter filler, but if you get the coated shit can fuck your tank.

Azrayne · Mar 5, 2017

Define "a lot of this" for me, as I'm a tad unsure where you're going with this thought process. People, especially strangers, are good litmus tests to determine what is true about an individual. If I felt I was an amazing singer, it would be kinda futile to just shun what others thought about my singing. If I sang and heard a lot of "it could use work" feedback, I'd be insane if I said "well you're just wrong... I'm a good singer because I feel I'm a good singer and that's all that matters!". I've been around enough people to know what is flattery and what is legitimate. When I'm at work and Joe-Blow says he's new in town, I look good, asks if I have a boyfriend, and he wants my number... I don't think he sees this poor tranny that he's just trying to cheer up. What is the "stunning and brave" effect??? It's possible I could fall for anything... it's also possible you're all robots and I'm the only real human in a giant test-tube called the universe and I'm being studied. I prefer to live in reality though, and reality dictates that I'm much happier post transition than pre transition [bcolor=rgb(24, 24, 24)][/bcolor]

I'm suggesting that the people most likely to hang out with a trans woman are also the people who, for ideological reasons, least likely to be honest and objective when it comes to trans issues. Kinda like "does my ass look fat?" Except ass = adams apple, fat = make me look like a dude and "chick I'm banging" = "tranny & friends I'm trying to impress with how progressive I am."

Not going to lie, I find it hard trying to figure out where you're going with things in your post but I'm making an honest attempt.

I'm not really going anywhere with things

I'm just asking questions which occur to me when I think about the whole trans issue. I like learning about people and their lives, especially when they have radically different experiences or perspectives from my own, but the whole trans thing is such a sensitive issue it's impossible to discuss in most settings. This seemed like a decent opportunity to ask those questions from someone who was pretty laid back and open, so I took it. There's no ulterior motive or grand rhetorical trap I'm trying to lead you towards, just curiosity.

Yes, I think I would have a nervous breakdown if I didn't have my meds. Yes it makes me feel dependent and weak like an abused spouse LoL! But I don't worry about NOT having my meds as they're cheap enough. I get the impression that a lot of your questions are centered around worry and my fundamental psyche or personality or state of being is not a worrier, y'know what I mean? It's like... if I did NOT have my meds, I'd probably have more serious problems to face as to WHY I don't have them, if that makes sense... in other words: What would cause me in my simple life to NOT have them in the first place? I'd have to be in jail, or kidnapped, or homeless, or zombles etc etc and all those issues are a much more serious crisis than having my hormone levels unbalanced.... see what I mean?

Yeah, I see what you mean. Like I said, I'm just asking the stuff that pops into my head when I wonder what the whole trans thing is about, or would be like. I think a lot about peoples perspectives on the world, thought patterns, etc. You're the first tranny I've interacted with who wasn't a rabid SJW, and it does say "AMA" right there in the title.

Attention whoring: I think this particular thread is the only instance of gratuitous attention whoring in my life heh... I play on NL server and rarely "talk" or chat. In bars, venues, or places it's not like I'm super loud and obnoxious, but I have no qualms being stared at either. Do I love to get compliments? Yep! Even when old black dudes give me compliments irl, it's gross but still feels good at the same time haha. If you want a clean answer: after the transition.

Hey I'm not judging, you're at least honest about it so whatever, and if I could post my body on the internet and have chicks drool over it I'd be at least a little tempted. It just seems like something a lot of trannies do. But again, the whole self selection thing is probably a factor.

Vanessa · Mar 5, 2017

Azrayne said:
I'm suggesting that the people most likely to hang out with a trans woman are also the people who, for ideological reasons, least likely to be honest and objective when it comes to trans issues. Kinda like "does my ass look fat?" Except ass = adams apple, fat = make me look like a dude and "chick I'm banging" = "tranny & friends I'm trying to impress with how progressive I am."

I guess for some of the trannies that make friends only with other trannies at like meetings or support groups or only date chasers etc. then yeah, a girl who is unpassable can be mislead because there's a circular feedback loop. If that was your main point, then I agree... it's very possible. I still feel that any tranny with a grasp on reality knows if they pass or not. I also feel that if you must ask that question, chances are that you don't. It's similar to someone who smokes weed... if you have to ask if you smoke too much, you probably do.

As for me? I just want some sushi and chocolate milk today

AngryGerbil · Mar 5, 2017

Sushi and chocolate milk are both gifts from the Gods.

Soygen · Mar 5, 2017

Vanessa said:
I just want some sushi and chocolate milk today [bcolor=rgb(24, 24, 24)][/bcolor][bcolor=rgb(24, 24, 24)][/bcolor]

Like...at the same time?

Azrayne · Mar 5, 2017

Soygen said:
Like...at the same time?

Yeah that's just weird. Chicks with dicks is one thing, but I think we have to draw a line somewhere...

Vanessa · Mar 5, 2017

Look at this:

LOOK AT IT

Azrayne · Mar 5, 2017

0/10 would vomit.

Sludig · Mar 5, 2017

Mildly funnily enough, having my like 2-3 times in an entire year sushi as well. (And before I saw the post.)

Kings around here have been hiring almost no english asians and putting out decent sushi for what it is. Actually had some sauce covered spicy something or other today that was just the hint of any real heat but was ok as flavor was amazing.

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