Difficult Conversations with Family

GuardianX · Aug 13, 2018

So for a while I have had a suspicion that my mother-in-law has early onset dementia or some form of mind altering disability relating to brain degradation.

This shit has been insane for a while but I think it really hit home today for my wife, it's been ongoing for around a decade getting worse as time progresses. Her mother is in her mid 60's so it's not really surprising to see it appear IF it is an early onset thing.

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Some back-story on symptoms sorry if you are reading this for the 2nd time, I know i've mentioned this shit in passing a couple times:

MAJOR -- A few years back we had a thanksgiving at our home and it was shortly after my son was born. I wanted my son to try one of everything and, knowing my son would fixate on the ONE thing that he loved, I wanted to try all the things I knew he wouldn't like before he tried the shit he would like. Mother-in-law hated this and basically freaked out as she started breaking down, breaking into tears and walking out the door, all people had to basically walk on egg-shells from that point on.

For this event i just figured her mom was more needy than I had anticipated, she has ALWAYS been controlling of a situation.

MAJOR -- Last year on her birthday, she chose to go to a restaurant and the place she chose was pretty loud, it was a sunday game day and it was a Texas Sports Bar. No one could really hear anyone and the day before was already tense combined with the fact that I had okayed over and over the series of events for that day (Church, Doughnuts (Tradition), outdoor time at a nice park, Dinner at a nice place for her B-day) and she changed it up (I let her know that it was okay and we could do whatever she liked). Mid meal, wife excused herself for a second to take the kid potty and when she left, Mother-in-law IMMEDIATELY started the waterworks complaining that no one was talking to her and asking me if "This is how people treat people in your family on their birthday"...fuck me just remembering that shit makes me cringe. Wife comes down and she basically starts calming down a good deal...

For this event, again I just figured it was narcissism but the mood swings are SUPER sudden, like talking fine one minute and then basically BOOM NUKED!

MAJOR -- So tonight's episode was brought on about an idea that my Father-in-law had about giving us an art item from his mother that my wife always liked. Mother-in-law got so angry because she stated that we already HAD the art item and it's hanging in my sons room (It isn't). She then proceeded to burst into hysterics and run out the front door to her car, she jumped in and drove off and...as of writing this...she hasn't returned. All of this over a conversation about giving us something that she thinks we already have. The crazy part is that about 30 minutes before this episode, we were having a video call with her and she was 100% normal talking to our son, asking him how he liked swimming class.

THE TEST -- So for Christmas last year we decided to basically bend over for her. We basically made sure she had a TON of things to do, I drank my ass off (She pushes drinking a LOT...) she still fought with her husband a ton about petty bullshit (which I'll expand on in it's own section), but overall the holiday went off without a full on breakdown. I would say it was a success but it literally took more micro-managing to keep her ass happy then it does my sub 5 year old child.

This event is where it hit me, I looked at the situations and it seemed to click in my mind, I think she has a mental disorder. It wouldn't shock me to say the least.

THE CONSTANT -- So every day with her is a constant stress. There isn't a time where she isn't trying to berate her husband (Who was a super successful civil engineer) or talk shit about her daughter in law (who I just think is at her wits end dealing with the Mother in Law) or basically just start a meaningless fight. She literally just picks fights over nothing and it's super childish, we will be having a talk in the car and Father in law will interject a sub-point and I'll get to hear 3-5 minutes of "He always does this to me, why can't I finish what I'm saying, he never lets me just talk!". If we are driving anywhere and they are driving us, we literally need to plan out every turn and direction before er go or Mother-In-Law will start flipping out in the back seat because we aren't following Siri.

THE REPETITION -- At first I thought she couldn't hear us and asked us the same questions over and over sometimes the same question less than 5 minutes asking it the first time. Then I thought it was that she didn't care to be bothered to remember a question that she asked last week and we told her the answer back then and repeated it. Honestly, it's bad really bad. She literally asks questions over and over that she's had answered, she cannot remember things at all. 3 weeks ago was my kids swimming lessons and she still asks if his teacher thinks he is doing well, I am past the idea of her doing it maliciously, I am pretty sure she cannot remember. This memory lapsing thing has been happening for the better part of a decade.

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So, I can't decide how to handle this situation in getting her the possible help she needs be it either psychological or developmental. My mother-in-law doesn't respect anyone aside from MAYBE her church family. Stepping in myself is out of the question because she will frame it as a personal attack and will dismiss it completely without trying to potentially remedy the situation. My thought is, I'll message her church family and get them involved and hopefully they can approach her in a way that she will understand and respect.

Debating seeing if there is some facebook "SAGE" test I can get to her or maybe passing it off as a "My son needs to do this to qualify for the Gifted School, LOL I can't even do some of these!" type thing next time I see her.

for reference: SAGE - Memory Disorders | Ohio State Medical Center

Thanks for sticking it through, honestly if any of you are the doctorly type I can go into greater detail if needed.

DickTrickle · Aug 13, 2018

I really can't provide anything useful except to say you must be a good husband for putting up with this shit.

chthonic-anemos · Aug 13, 2018

Make sure everyone is only discussing potential memory stuff with her and have her agree to let some family stay for those doctor exams, so she doesn't forget anything. Don't discuss any of that other stuff at all in case she's just a shit personality because she will only use your interests as opportunity to become increasingly worse.

If it is later concluded that she has no medical problems: look up gray rock method and stop having her around

Harshaw · Aug 13, 2018

I've been taking care of my mom, who has dementia, for about 10 years now. The only thing that I can say we are lucky with is that she doesn't seem to get "stuck in the past" or get frustrated with her memory. However she can no longer drive or even make herself a meal. She prefers to stay in bed all day, but we are still able to take her out to eat and such to try and keep her mobile.

It definitely does sound like she has some symptoms. Especially when she keeps asking the same questions over and over. She, most likely, is not retaining that information. You just have to be calm and not get aggravated with them because they pick up on it and it can make them even more flustered. My Mom's 89th Bday was today and I had to constantly remind her about it all day. Even at her Bday party, she would ask who's party it was for, and why everyone was visiting.

Dementia is tough for a family to cope with. Tougher for the person that knows something is wrong and doesn't know how to deal with it. Not knowing your Mother in Law I don't know how much is also part of her personality though.

Zapatta · Aug 13, 2018

My father has really bad dementia / alzheimers manifesting in severe mood disorder, bi-polary, a lot of aggression. He has some nerve related shit tied to it so he cant walk well even tho physically all his parts work. He was always an asshole but he's got a fuel injected turbo charging installed now. His thing is to intentionally piss people off to start a fight so he can scream and yell and make threats (that he cant deliver on the old broken fuck) . A lot of flat out lying with proof sitting 2 feet away. A lot of spending big money on stupid shit he cant use, and a lot of petty theft of any cash or coins laying around. I am his favorite one to try push buttons on and scream at, I think he is trying to get me to choke him til he's dead or smash his head into the floor to end his obvious misery.

This is exactly why Eskimos push their broken old folks out onto an ice flow to take a nice forever nap.

Upside of all this, is when he does kick the bucket, no one will be feeling any grief or miss him, he's be 'gone' for almost 10 yrs.

I have no sympathy for him, but it's putting hard years on my mom fast. If she dies before he does, he is in for a very rude awakening, I'll fly him to where there are ice flows.

moonarchia · Aug 13, 2018

I've had fugue states in the past, where I spent months and years not really knowing who I was or where I was from. That said, I will get in the shower and cut my carotid if I ever see any of that shit coming back ever again. Dementia is hard from the outside, but is absolute hell from the inside if there is any part of you left.

GuardianX · Aug 13, 2018

DickTrickle said:
I really can't provide anything useful except to say you must be a good husband for putting up with this shit.

Thanks, I'm really just looking for answers for the sake of my wife really. I know it can POSSIBLY be hereditary so catching it now in her mother means I can understand more about it in our own case if it pops up for us.

chthonic-anemos said:
Make sure everyone is only discussing potential memory stuff with her and have her agree to let some family stay for those doctor exams, so she doesn't forget anything. Don't discuss any of that other stuff at all in case she's just a shit personality because she will only use your interests as opportunity to become increasingly worse.

If it is later concluded that she has no medical problems: look up gray rock method and stop having her around

The main issue in our case is that there isn't anyone aside from her husband in the local area and she really just bags on that dude hard. Don't get me wrong, he isn't a saint but I think he is relieving stress by trolling her, so he'll basically mess with her constantly exacerbating situations beyond what is reasonable. This is why I'm debating her church, it's a good point though and maybe I can suggest that her church head or someone she trusts go with her to a visit.

Harshaw said:
Dementia is tough for a family to cope with. Tougher for the person that knows something is wrong and doesn't know how to deal with it. Not knowing your Mother in Law I don't know how much is also part of her personality though.

Her personality has always been a bit...rough, I don't think she's intentionally hard to deal with, I think she basically has Asperger's syndrome and never had it diagnosed. She reminds me of a buddy I had in college that has it and basically does most the same things as she does, he a nice guy but 100% socially inept (not that I'm amazing..).

Here's how a conversation will go where she disagrees with someone:

Me: "I really like the rain"

Her: "I like it in moderation..heh hehheh"

Me: "I think it may just be that having been in a place without rain for so long, being in a new place with rain is nice."

Her: "Well, too much rain is really bad though..heh hehheh."

ECT..

She loves politics so when we talk politics it gets much more pronounced.

Basically her nervous tick is "Heh hehheh" when she doesn't know how to deal with someone and is trying to not insult them, which sometimes she does anyhow.

Zapatta said:
I have no sympathy for him, but it's putting hard years on my mom fast. If she dies before he does, he is in for a very rude awakening, I'll fly him to where there are ice flows

This is the part that gets me. The situation with her connections with people are strange to say the least but it really makes me kinda err more to the above statement I made about her being slightly autistic in a way.

Her son (older than myself) HATES her and treats her like shit, I mean I honestly don't understand why, she treats that kid like gods golden child. She does it for good reason too, the dude has an accomplished career, a home, 3 kids and a beautiful wife. The last time we were together at her parents home for a family get-together she was cooking something and her son was crowding in her kitchen. Dude is muscular bulky because of his career, she was taking something out of the oven that he likes to eat and almost touched him with the pan. He jumps back and yells, "What are you doing, are you crazy?!" and I'm just sitting there like...it's just a pan, sure it may hurt but it's clear she didn't pull it out on purpose plus you are a big dude...stop being a pussy. This isn't the only interaction I see where he treats her like shit, but just one of many.

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She treats her husband like shit, the dude worked as an accomplished civil engineer for decades. I joke that him being let go due to age was the worst thing that happened to her. She basically won't shut up about it and talks about his termination and how it set "their plans" on a different path, which she usually equates to trips that she wanted to take or things she wanted to do. I don't know if she understands just how much salt this pours in his wound of being forced into early retirement. It wasn't about the money for him, he LOVED his job, I think partly because it got him out of the house away from her doing something that he enjoyed. The part that makes me feel for him is that she'll mention so many times during a car ride that she, "Needs to get him something to do so he isn't in her hair as much at home." Lady, this is the dude you spread your legs to and popped out my wife with, have some fucking empathy.

For reference, this is what he was making a year Minimum:

and this is the closest I could find to his old position:

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Then you have her "Friends" most of whom I am pretty sure that she considers "Friends" but they consider her the 3rd wheel. The issue being that she invites herself places or really just thinks of herself as having a deeper connection where none really exists. People allow her places because most of her "Friends" are christian and, I believe, are just being "Good Christians" as they allow her to tag along. We have mentioned a couple times to them about moving away from Cali to Texas (Which, if she has dementia will be a necessity / requirement) and her only arguement against it is the "Circle of Friends" she has in Cali, most of whom likely would show up to a funeral for the food and not the person.

++++

Honestly the situation sucks, the main thing i am wondering now is, should I involve her brother before I involve Church. I mean if he did it, it may work, but i really don't trust that guy to tactfully engage the situation.

I think the best method may be talking to the Church first and then giving the brother a heads up after the fact.

a_skeleton_03 · Aug 13, 2018

This might be the worst idea but it jumped into my mind.

Do you guys video events? Maybe take up a “hobby” of taking videography and innocently capture an event where she flips. Don’t use it as a gotcha but instead use it as a tool to show something that you “never noticed before”. Then ask her if she is feeling okay.

It probably wouldn’t work out well to begin with but it’s a thought. Would also tell you if she can control the mood swings because she knows the camera might catch it.

GuardianX · Aug 13, 2018

a_skeleton_03 said:
This might be the worst idea but it jumped into my mind.

Do you guys video events? Maybe take up a “hobby” of taking videography and innocently capture an event where she flips. Don’t use it as a gotcha but instead use it as a tool to show something that you “never noticed before”. Then ask her if she is feeling okay.

It probably wouldn’t work out well to begin with but it’s a thought. Would also tell you if she can control the mood swings because she knows the camera might catch it.

Yeah was basically thinking about a journal, something to basically mention all the issues that we have noticed. Also debating possibly talking to my brother in law about their experiences and seeing if their experience has been similar to ours with her. I don't know how helpful he will be, but at least he may talk some shit about her and inadvertently show a continued pattern.

Just as a rule of thumb I usually turn off cameras when stuff like the breakdowns happen, it would just exacerbate the issue. A few times during Christmas a video or two has caught the beginnings of an argument, it just kills the intent of the video and makes me salty.

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Ultimately I think the hard route may be the best route. I think my plan of action has changed a bit:

Contacting B-I-L, Assessing their experience, (MAY NOT DO: seeing if they think it may be early onset related as well, suggesting that brother and sister should approach dad about the issue).

From there we will see what changes.

Zapatta · Aug 13, 2018

I am starting to see evidence of this in my mom. Her side of the family has zero incidents. https://www.webmd.com/alzheimers/news/20110513/alzheimers-caregivers-may-be-at-risk-for-dementia#1 Fucking shit is contagious.

GuardianX · Aug 13, 2018

Zapatta said:
I am starting to see evidence of this in my mom. Her side of the family has zero incidents. https://www.webmd.com/alzheimers/news/20110513/alzheimers-caregivers-may-be-at-risk-for-dementia#1 Fucking shit is contagious.

Yeah it's a shit sandwich, I may talk like I dislike my mother in law but the lady is smart and she can carry a conversation.

I mean shit she graduated from a top school with a masters in Mathematics she then went on to do some pretty impressive jobs in the business world before taking a work-on-her-own accounting job so she could stay home when she needed to for her kids.

My worry isn't entirely altruistic, some forms of these disorders have genetic markers that pass down and I want to know what I need to mentally prepare for, if anything, with my wife and if I need to have my kids tested. Also, congratulations you all...you are the only non-family I've told this next part to, we are expecting our next kid in the not too distant future (Around march if all goes well) and we KNOW that she will want to be tagging along for the birth. The first kid she was there the MOMENT he popped out and it was SO stressful that I debated asking for "No guests for a couple weeks" on the second one, it may still happen if the wife agrees to it. I'm talking she broke like several glasses while "Cooking" for us, broke a casserole dish (also glass), wouldn't let my wife have a moment alone to the point that I actually had to lock our bedroom door and be like, "She's sleeping" and then M-I-L basically had a near breakdown because she wasn't getting 24/7 access to daughter and grandson. IF we do a "she's here after birth" thing, I'm going to be doing a "You are staying at a hotel" thing...

So, all of this isn't just to save her, it's hopefully to save all of us too.

Zapatta · Aug 13, 2018

I have a feeling that if assisted suicide were legal, my father would have offed himself by now. He is an overly proud man, but when he gets a rare moment of clarity and admits he has lost all of his faculties he looks very scared and pained. He also has emphysema and quit smoking 12-15 yrs ago because of it and now he is smoking 3 packs a day. He is trying to kill himself.

Gavinmad · Aug 13, 2018

I was looking for a place to vent about having caught the dude who knocked up my mom drinking and driving for the FOURTH time the other night, guess I found it.

a_skeleton_05 · Aug 13, 2018

My mother suffered from dementia spells and it turned out to require a constant need to be worried about potential fires. She would leave everything from burning fat to potpourri on the stove, resulting in fires. Be very mindful of safety around her, and protect your children from potential risks involved with her regardless of the drama that might result from it.

The solution in my case ended up coming from her doctors prescribing her so many meds that she ended up living in a near walking-coma like state, preventing her from having episodes. That also just opened up a lot of other issues with falling etc...

It's important that you and your wife get on the same page with things so you will be able to support eachother through it, because there are no easy solutions.

moonarchia · Aug 13, 2018

Dom said:
My mother suffered from dementia spells and it turned out to require a constant need to be worried about potential fires. She would leave everything from burning fat to potpourri on the stove, resulting in fires. Be very mindful of safety around her, and protect your children from potential risks involved with her regardless of the drama that might result from it.

The solution in my case ended up coming from her doctors prescribing her so many meds that she ended up living in a near walking-coma like state, preventing her from having episodes. That also just opened up a lot of other issues with falling etc...

It's important that you and your wife get on the same page with things so you will be able to support eachother through it, because there are no easy solutions.

Well, there are, but you probably won't be able to convince the wife to go along with any of them.

sleevedraw · Aug 13, 2018

Zapatta said:
I am starting to see evidence of this in my mom. Her side of the family has zero incidents. https://www.webmd.com/alzheimers/news/20110513/alzheimers-caregivers-may-be-at-risk-for-dementia#1 Fucking shit is contagious.

Folie à deux - Wikipedia

Lanx · Aug 13, 2018

i thought "still alice" was a good movie on alzheimers, it's kinda related. I'm not saying base your actions on a produced movie/book, but different viewpoints are good, i'd rewatch that again if i thought anyone of my family started having memory issues.

Big Phoenix · Aug 15, 2018

Always fun to hear your mom say shes ashamed of how her kids turned out.

So my mom is moving into my house, and my brother, sister and i have been moving her stuff. Problem is shes basically a hoarder. Not as bad as the people on tv, but pretty bad. Going through her stuff she has 5 vacuum cleaners, 3 of them broke. She had 4 kurig coffee makers. Boxes and boxes of entire sets of dishes, silverware, multiple full sets of pots/pans etc. This has been an ongoing problem since I was born. Every single place we lived, just completely cluttered full of shit she never used. I remember in one townhouse we lived in that had a two car garage, she had it packed completely full of junk, barely able to park her car in the garage.

So this has always been a source of friction between us, mainly because for the past 10 years its myself and siblings that have had to deal with it. When she moved from her condo 4 1/2 years ago, she could have left anything she didnt want behind as they where going to be demolished. Did she? Nope, she absolutely refused to let anything go and guilted us into taking every possible thing we could to her new place. At the time we didnt deal with the problem, as we figured she would actually deal with the junk at the new place. Didnt happen.

I ended up living with her for two years at the new place and she never did anything with the junk, even though I constantly talked to her about it and let her know she needs to take care of it The entire time I lived with her the sides of the garage where stacked floor to ceiling with boxes, the small patio completely filled with boxes and misc junk. After two years I bought my house and moved out. In the space I left, she quickly filled with more junk. The extra room became filled with nothing but boxes, same for the space in the garage I no longer parked in.

So this all comes full circle again when last month my mom was informed by her land lord that he would be ending the rental agreement today(she was month to month, no lease). The big problem aside from the junk that needs to be dealt with, is that she has been dealing with a hernia and was in the hospital due to it when the landlord informed her of this. The hernia isnt a result of just dealing with the junk but she has a very bad habit of needing to completely rearrange her living space every month. A woman in her 60s pushing couches, loveseats, tv sets, dragging them outside to clean them etc. And shes surprised she has a hernia problem.

End result is that after getting back out of the hospital last month for it, she ends up aggravating the hernia last weekend, almost certainly due to her trying to deal with the junk. This causes her to have to go back into the hospital and now she has surgery scheduled in a few weeks to hopefully take care of the problem. During this time I have offered to come over and get rid of the stuff, but just like before she has admittedly refused to let myself or my brother throw the stuff away. If she cant donate it to goodwill or give it to someone she refuses to let it just be thrown away.

So over the past few days of dealing with this stuff(quite a bit ended up coming to my house, a lot we put into storage) we have tried to explain to her the serious health problems that are a direct result of her actions, and that she doesnt have time to sort through this stuff it just needs to go asap as she has to be out of the place in a few days. The entire time she has fought with us, saying we are ungrateful, she cant believe how we turned out after being raised by her, how disappointed and ashamed of us she is, if the rest of her family only knew how we where treating her etc. Pure emotional manipulation. Thing that really got to me tonight, was that I said again, this stuff just needs to be thrown away(she still has a garage full of stuff and needs to be out in 24 hours) as she does not have time to rely on goodwill to take the stuff. She responds by saying that she should just move back to Florida as her sisters there would happily let her live with them.

Not exactly sure how I didnt explode on her then and throw everything in her face and just let her deal with the mess shes created. I just bit my tongue and left.

chthonic-anemos · Aug 15, 2018

Big Phoenix said:
Always fun to hear your mom say shes ashamed of how her kids turned out.

So my mom is moving into my house, and my brother, sister and i have been moving her stuff. Problem is shes basically a hoarder. Not as bad as the people on tv, but pretty bad. Going through her stuff she has 5 vacuum cleaners, 3 of them broke. She had 4 kurig coffee makers. Boxes and boxes of entire sets of dishes, silverware, multiple full sets of pots/pans etc. This has been an ongoing problem since I was born. Every single place we lived, just completely cluttered full of shit she never used. I remember in one townhouse we lived in that had a two car garage, she had it packed completely full of junk, barely able to park her car in the garage.

So this has always been a source of friction between us, mainly because for the past 10 years its myself and siblings that have had to deal with it. When she moved from her condo 4 1/2 years ago, she could have left anything she didnt want behind as they where going to be demolished. Did she? Nope, she absolutely refused to let anything go and guilted us into taking every possible thing we could to her new place. At the time we didnt deal with the problem, as we figured she would actually deal with the junk at the new place. Didnt happen.

I ended up living with her for two years at the new place and she never did anything with the junk, even though I constantly talked to her about it and let her know she needs to take care of it The entire time I lived with her the sides of the garage where stacked floor to ceiling with boxes, the small patio completely filled with boxes and misc junk. After two years I bought my house and moved out. In the space I left, she quickly filled with more junk. The extra room became filled with nothing but boxes, same for the space in the garage I no longer parked in.

So this all comes full circle again when last month my mom was informed by her land lord that he would be ending the rental agreement today(she was month to month, no lease). The big problem aside from the junk that needs to be dealt with, is that she has been dealing with a hernia and was in the hospital due to it when the landlord informed her of this. The hernia isnt a result of just dealing with the junk but she has a very bad habit of needing to completely rearrange her living space every month. A woman in her 60s pushing couches, loveseats, tv sets, dragging them outside to clean them etc. And shes surprised she has a hernia problem.

End result is that after getting back out of the hospital last month for it, she ends up aggravating the hernia last weekend, almost certainly due to her trying to deal with the junk. This causes her to have to go back into the hospital and now she has surgery scheduled in a few weeks to hopefully take care of the problem. During this time I have offered to come over and get rid of the stuff, but just like before she has admittedly refused to let myself or my brother throw the stuff away. If she cant donate it to goodwill or give it to someone she refuses to let it just be thrown away.

So over the past few days of dealing with this stuff(quite a bit ended up coming to my house, a lot we put into storage) we have tried to explain to her the serious health problems that are a direct result of her actions, and that she doesnt have time to sort through this stuff it just needs to go asap as she has to be out of the place in a few days. The entire time she has fought with us, saying we are ungrateful, she cant believe how we turned out after being raised by her, how disappointed and ashamed of us she is, if the rest of her family only knew how we where treating her etc. Pure emotional manipulation. Thing that really got to me tonight, was that I said again, this stuff just needs to be thrown away(she still has a garage full of stuff and needs to be out in 24 hours) as she does not have time to rely on goodwill to take the stuff. She responds by saying that she should just move back to Florida as her sisters there would happily let her live with them.

Not exactly sure how I didnt explode on her then and throw everything in her face and just let her deal with the mess shes created. I just bit my tongue and left.

It wouldn't matter if you got rid of her stuff, she would replace it.

Grant her wish instead. Put it all in a shipping container and deliver those treasures to your aunts in Florida.

Noodleface · Aug 15, 2018

Big Phoenix said:
Always fun to hear your mom say shes ashamed of how her kids turned out.

So my mom is moving into my house, and my brother, sister and i have been moving her stuff. Problem is shes basically a hoarder. Not as bad as the people on tv, but pretty bad. Going through her stuff she has 5 vacuum cleaners, 3 of them broke. She had 4 kurig coffee makers. Boxes and boxes of entire sets of dishes, silverware, multiple full sets of pots/pans etc. This has been an ongoing problem since I was born. Every single place we lived, just completely cluttered full of shit she never used. I remember in one townhouse we lived in that had a two car garage, she had it packed completely full of junk, barely able to park her car in the garage.

So this has always been a source of friction between us, mainly because for the past 10 years its myself and siblings that have had to deal with it. When she moved from her condo 4 1/2 years ago, she could have left anything she didnt want behind as they where going to be demolished. Did she? Nope, she absolutely refused to let anything go and guilted us into taking every possible thing we could to her new place. At the time we didnt deal with the problem, as we figured she would actually deal with the junk at the new place. Didnt happen.

I ended up living with her for two years at the new place and she never did anything with the junk, even though I constantly talked to her about it and let her know she needs to take care of it The entire time I lived with her the sides of the garage where stacked floor to ceiling with boxes, the small patio completely filled with boxes and misc junk. After two years I bought my house and moved out. In the space I left, she quickly filled with more junk. The extra room became filled with nothing but boxes, same for the space in the garage I no longer parked in.

So this all comes full circle again when last month my mom was informed by her land lord that he would be ending the rental agreement today(she was month to month, no lease). The big problem aside from the junk that needs to be dealt with, is that she has been dealing with a hernia and was in the hospital due to it when the landlord informed her of this. The hernia isnt a result of just dealing with the junk but she has a very bad habit of needing to completely rearrange her living space every month. A woman in her 60s pushing couches, loveseats, tv sets, dragging them outside to clean them etc. And shes surprised she has a hernia problem.

End result is that after getting back out of the hospital last month for it, she ends up aggravating the hernia last weekend, almost certainly due to her trying to deal with the junk. This causes her to have to go back into the hospital and now she has surgery scheduled in a few weeks to hopefully take care of the problem. During this time I have offered to come over and get rid of the stuff, but just like before she has admittedly refused to let myself or my brother throw the stuff away. If she cant donate it to goodwill or give it to someone she refuses to let it just be thrown away.

So over the past few days of dealing with this stuff(quite a bit ended up coming to my house, a lot we put into storage) we have tried to explain to her the serious health problems that are a direct result of her actions, and that she doesnt have time to sort through this stuff it just needs to go asap as she has to be out of the place in a few days. The entire time she has fought with us, saying we are ungrateful, she cant believe how we turned out after being raised by her, how disappointed and ashamed of us she is, if the rest of her family only knew how we where treating her etc. Pure emotional manipulation. Thing that really got to me tonight, was that I said again, this stuff just needs to be thrown away(she still has a garage full of stuff and needs to be out in 24 hours) as she does not have time to rely on goodwill to take the stuff. She responds by saying that she should just move back to Florida as her sisters there would happily let her live with them.

Not exactly sure how I didnt explode on her then and throw everything in her face and just let her deal with the mess shes created. I just bit my tongue and left.

I'd suggest watching a few episodes of hoarders. Simply throwing out the stuff is usually the worst idea, it'll just get replaced and aggravate the situation.

I'll be honest, I don't have the best relationship with my mom because of some shit she put me through in my 20's (multiple suicide attempts blaming me), but if she pulled that line about her sisters then I'd call up her sisters to deal with it. There's no reason you should suffer because your mother has a mental condition.

From the way she reacted it sounds like she's lashing out because you're threatening her, in her mind.

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