Helping another heal

Borzak

Borzak

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I didn't know where to stick this but here it is. I am not a people person in the least. That should be clear to anyone that knows anything about me here.

However. I'm trying to help another person heal. At one time long ago me and that person were very close. Now they have a loved one dying of cancer and they turned to me if nothing else to vent a little. Which was fine.

Any ideas on where to look on inspiration on something I could put down in words to help them. I know you don't google something and paste it in. I meant where to look inside for inspiration to help put in words what you are trying to convey to them.

I know it sounds like a stretch but I thought I would ask. It's way out of my normal. I'm not looking for tips on how to write aware winning prose or something.
 
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A

a_skeleton_05

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In my experience, no words will work. Grief is just too strong to the point that the words don't really have any meaning. What does work though is just being available for them to lean on as you already seem to be. Gently guiding them towards the many cancer related support groups though should be considered.
 
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j00t

j00t

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dom is 100% right on in this. think about helping in physical terms. if your friend is carrying something that's too heavy for them, they don't want to you tell them anything. words don't help there. what helps is going beside them and carrying their load with them.

i had a friend who was going through some pretty heavy marriage problems. her and her husband were really good friends to us and a bunch of us took a trip cross country. they all said things like "why didn't you tell us?" and "we can't believe this happened" and i just... didn't know what to say so i kept my big dumb mouth shut, but i went over and hugged her and her husband and just said "i love you guys"

their relationship with the others fell apart but she says i single handedly saved their marriage. where they were at, everything was so internalized that it was so hard for them to HEAR what anyone else was saying. but they both knew that i didn't say anything, i just went next to them and lightened the grief they were carrying.

point is, don't worry about what to say, worry about what to do. little things like getting groceries for them. if they have pets and you're geographically close to them, tell them you'll house sit so they can go to the hospital... or get them a gift card to some restaurant so they can maybe decompress somewhere.
 
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iannis

iannis

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Helping with grief is mostly a matter of patience, listening, understanding (and if you don't understand, don't pretend to, have them explain it if they want... or not if they don't) and carefully placed distractions.

You're not tricking them. Anyone in grief is looking to be distracted. But moderated. The idea is not to avoid the pain of it, that'll only make things worse. But to alleviate it when it gets just too heavy. To remind them what is good in life, as well. They won't FEEL good, they're grieving, but to remind them. With action if possible... don't just say "this is good", go do the good thing.

Even if you know "this too will pass" when you're in the middle of it it never feels that way. Even if you know it.

Mostly don't get frustrated by pain.
 
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Lanx

Lanx

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it already sounds like you're doing it, you're there so they can vent.

if all you do is pick up the phone so a friend can say, "man fuck this cancer", thats more care than a stupid hallmark card
 
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fris

fris

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Just listen to her, and don't expect the relationship between yall to change much.
 
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Oblio

Oblio

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I am impressed by you simply asking the question. My advice is to say something along these lines "I don't have answers to make sense of what you are going through, but I am here for you call me anytime and I will do my best to be available for you."

Clearly it needs to be said in a your words, but just conveying the message that you are available and care will be a huge boost for this person. I know this from personal experience.

When I was 32 a good friend of mine lost his wife to a rare brain condition called Moyamoya Disease. She was also six months pregnant and they basically kept her alive as an incubator to harvest the baby. She was also one of my Wife's closest friends, so I was dealing with it on two fronts. Being available is more valuable than anything.
 
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TBT-TheBigToe

TBT-TheBigToe

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I’m not a people person either, this is just from anecdotal experience from being on both sides of the support system but not due to cancer but major depressive disorder.

Just listening and letting them vent without judgement is a great start, it’s also important that you try to never let what they say bother you. They may lash out at you, take their shit out on you, and it won’t be pleasant and it won’t be fair but if it happens try not to take it personally. Patience, patience, and patience. You can’t fix anything, all you can do is be a support structure for them when they need help staying standing when it’s all too much, getting up when it all was too much and knocked them down, or just getting through the day as best as possible.

It’s cliche and silly sounding but ultimately; just be a friend they can lean on and the one that will still be there when they try to push you away which they might try to do

Also, fuck cancer.
 
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Borzak

Borzak

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I let her scream and curse at me for 2 hours yesterday. I think I'll take some notes and write down some thoughts and maybe arrange something at a later time.
 
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Oblio

Oblio

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Borzak said:
I let her scream and curse at me for 2 hours yesterday. I think I'll take some notes and write down some thoughts and maybe arrange something at a later time.
Click to expand...
Scream at you? At you, about you? Or to you? Obviously one is much easier to handle than the other. Good luck dude and fuck cancer.
 
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Borzak

Borzak

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Not about me, just yell and scream in general.
 
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Oblio

Oblio

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Yeah, well it sucks. My friend yelled AT me for about 30 mins because I said something like "I wish had a way of fixing this for you." He started screaming at me about my ego thinking I can fix everything and that I need to get my shit together. It was out of left field and a day or two later he apologized, but somehow got mad at me again.

I just took it because it was a battle I did not care to nor need to win.

download.png
 
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Alasliasolonik

Alasliasolonik

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Borzak said:
Not about me, just yell and scream in general.
Click to expand...

Shes abusing your relationship.

What kind of cancer are we talking about here? Stage 45 dead in 22 days cancer or headed to mayo clinic/anywhere in a few weeks and its bad times.
 
Borzak

Borzak

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She's not abusing our relationship. I have no problem and told her so about her yelling, scream, cry, curse, and have a breakdown on the phone. Besides I'm deaf in one ear if worse came to worse.
 
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Borzak

Borzak

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Fuck Cancer. I got a call this morning it's very near, possibly hours or days. I let her vent as I had promised. I will say she's a pretty good venter and I've heard a lot of them in my time. At the end she at least composed herself to stop crying. I do hope she wasn't in the hospital.

I'm lucky my wife understands. It's her fiance and she has got into a situation where all the other people she could vent to aren't really available. My wife knows her. I guess it's better to vent to someone you know or had a relationship with than some random person which seemed to be what people were offering.
 
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maskedmelon

maskedmelon

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Just be there to listen, comfort and distract if she wants. it is easy to get lost in grief and just the knowledge that you’re not alone even if the other person can’t see the darkness is enough comfort to continue searching for a way out. And don’t discount the power of distraction. Any joy that can be found in the midst of grief is a welcome reprieve. A simple touch, hug or reassurance that all will be alright no matter how irrational or trivial it may seem can bring more comfort than any reasoned advice.
 
Borzak

Borzak

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Yeah. I have another friend that called me last week that's hurting a lot but I'm not in a position to give them a hug. We talked and I made reference to if I was there I'd give you a hug or hold your hand. About the best I could do. She asked about my MS and how things were going with her. I answered and at the end I brought up a quick thing we had way way back and she laughed. I thought it was a good distraction. It wasn't even a personal thing just something we both saw.

That was the last thing I should have done. We dated years and years ago. I got the reminder of why she has so much guilt for falling for some idiot like me. Leave it to me. Damned if you do and damn if you don't. I think some of it is I lumped in with all men. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

I only got a reminder later in an email lol. Good medicine at the time. Not so much when she had time to think about it. I still stand by being a distraction.

I have a very understanding wife which is why I married her. She knows someone that is my "friend" is very close to me. People I just know, not so much.
 
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