Star Wars: Episode IX (2019)

Dom

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The brave strong feminine Rey brings Kylo to heel by showing him how his toxic masculinity is hurting everyone around him. and balance is brought to the force as she leads her new subdued apprentice in saving the galaxy from the evil Nazi...er I mean Empire... Er I mean New Order. Also the annoying black dude and the over-acting Latino have some hot man-action finally bringing the wonders of Gay Pride™ to Disney as they usher in a brave new era of diversity.

Meanwhile, Star Wars fans start to think that Jar Jar wasn't that bad after all.
 

Narac01

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Also the annoying black dude and the over-acting Latino have some hot man-action finally bringing the wonders of Gay Pride™ to Disney as they usher in a brave new era of diversity.
Well, if the choice was that or rose tico ....
 

MusicForFish

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They should scrap this shit and make SpaceBalls2 the search for more money
 

Rhanyn

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If anyone can, it would be Mel Brooks.
You could even make Barf a tranny (half man, half dog).
Shit writes itself.

Yeah, but who could do Barf justice with John Candy being dead?

Certainly not this fucker.

Louie_Anderson.jpg
 

Punko

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I wasn't sure if this thread was about a shitty SW movie that was already released or not.

Solid info was found so thx.
 

moonarchia

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I'd forgive everything if Thrawn comes in and wrecks everyone
Rename it to the "blue note" as the Smurfs warp in in their Mushroom Ships and vaporize everyone except Finn and Rey. The Chimaera tractors the Millennial Falcon into its bay and Thrawn villain dialogues his plan to Make the Empire Great Again before tossing the heroes into the brig. Rey and Finn racially harmonize their force powers and convince Ben to help them topple the Patriarchy. They break out of the holding cells, freeing a diverse array of aliens and misfits who form a caravan and help them battle their way to Thrawn's command deck. The penultimate battle begins. Thrawn erects a super shield (wall) to prevent them from taking the ship's controls and escapes into the executive chambers. Cut back and forth between action scenes and Thrawn running past the Patriarchal Guard (Imperial Guards in blue armor) to kneel at the foot of steps leading up to a throne. Thrawn tells his master about the assault on the bridge and begs his master to flee while he still can. Back on the command deck Rey and Finn hold hands and various Force shenanigans happen, letting them jump over the wall and give chase to Thrawn. The Patriarchal Guards are cut down and they approach the throne. The camera pans back as the throne turns around to reveal Papa Smurf with a combover. Thrawn stands to defend him. Using his superior tactics he forces them back as Papa Smurf cackles maliciously. In a desperate move Rey and Finn merge into a brown and white striped unicorn with a lightsaber instead of a horn. Shooting rainbows out of its ass like a rocket they zoom past Thrawn. He looks stunned as he falls into two pieces. Papa Smurf snarls and shoots lightning from his fingertips, blasting Finn and Rey apart. As Papa Smurf raises his hands to finish them off Ben appears behind him, stabbing him through the chest with a red lightsaber. The two stumble behind the throne as lightning flashes. With a Michael Bay inspired explosion Ben and Papa Smurf are blown away from each other, charred and smoking. Rey stirs, and after waking Finn up they see Papa Smurf and Ben on the floor. They rush to Ben's side to see if he is still alive. Ben gets a monologue about realizing how he was part of the Patriarchy too, and he knew he had to die with Papa Smurf, then his body disappears, leaving Rey holding an empty robe. As a door whooshes closed they turn to see Papa Smurf gone. As they are about to give chase a self destruct warning starts to go off. They set out to get to the landing bay to try and get to their ship before the Chimaera explodes. Cut to Papa Smurf limping towards an Imperial shuttle. He starts to cross over a narrow walkway when an injured random Resistance member from the battle at the command deck limps in from the side. With a heroic last shot she fires a bazooka at the shuttle. The blast knocks Papa Smurf down a shaft that leads to the power core. As the Chimaera detonates Finn and Rey zoom out of the flames. Luke and Ben appear as Force ghosts to Rey and Finn, teaching them how to dismantle the Empire and the Resistance and rebuild as a galactic commune where peace and love will reign for a million years. Roll credits.
 
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Caliane

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Yeah, but who could do Barf justice with John Candy being dead?

Certainly not this fucker.
john C Reilly, imo. pretty similar character as his stepbrothers, and Talledaga nights. Naive straightman wingman.
 

TBT-TheBigToe

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When I was a kid I wanted to be a Jedi Knight. I loved this shit, now... I just don’t care anymore.

Maybe the people they made the other two for are happy with this garbage but everyone I know who liked/loves Star Wars as a kid, even those that didn’t hate the prequels, has no interest in whatever is coming next. None.

The few I know that know what Kennedy and co. have said about the fans just have one question;

“Why do you hate us so much?”
 

Dom

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The few I know that know what Kennedy and co. have said about the fans just have one question;

“Why do you hate us so much?”
Predominantly white male "toxic" fanbases conflict with their "The Force is Female" feminist bullshit is why. When they view everything the core fanbase says as entitled toxicity, why would they like them or listen to them. They're pursuing an agenda, not a quality product (of a fanbase that wouldn't exist if not for the very people they are ignoring)