Poll How much did you change over time, got older?

Borzak

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I'm curious how much others have changed over the years. For a variety of reasons I've talked to or messaged a lot of people recently from middle and high school. Apparently I blocked out a LOT. I know people change over time as you grow older and such. The old saying of if not liberal when young you have no heart, if not conservative as you get older you have no brain.

Like I said. I know people change over time I'm wondering if it has been a significant change. This has really been rolling around in my mind a lot lately. I give it some credit since it seems to be repeated by so many people. Also it does kind of go from what people wrote in my yearbooks and such. Other than that apparently I have no memory at all of "myself". I can remember people, nothing about them or nothing about what I was like. I know I was there. Period.

It's really been taking up a lot of my mental time which isn't much power to begin with. I almost feel like I lost a giant part of my memory.

I quickly discussed it with a therapist I went to a few weeks ago about why some people have kine of come back and others nothing. He said a good chance you'll talk to some of the people that "came back" and more will come. He also mentioned good chance the people that come back may not be all that important but were kind. The kind thing did kind of work out on the first person to come back from middle school.

Bugs the shit out of me.
 
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iannis

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That's not so unusual, and it's not a function of diminished capacity. That's regular capacity. You're just paying attention to something that you usually don't. Because you have been involuntarily laid less active you have more time to reflect.

We barely have the mental power to be fully involved in the moment. We do have it, but barely. With life being such a long connection of moments... you have to do a lot of compacting of memory. And then you have to do a lot of selective ordering. And then eventually you have to discard things. You start to discard what you dwell on least, if left to itself it is not a directed process. It's a passive one. That's also why the kindnessess and the misery will be what you start to dredge up from the murk. It's those things that have some emotional merit, and they rank higher on the selection.

This is why I think neuroscience isn't quite there yet, as astonishing as the field of study is and as many insights as it produces. There's something going on that cannot be explained by electron push. I don't think it's reductionist to observe that ultimately that's what they're trying to do. But hey, you find it by proving what CAN be explained that way.

I can't remember very much about various years either. What I remember is the way I felt, the way that I viewed things. That's what i've chosen to reinforce. It's an Easter ritual for me. The specifics become an absence. I know that I've had friends who were momentarily (in the way of months or even a year) important to me that I no longer remember. If reminded I wouldn't be taken by surprise or anything... but I know i've lost people. Anyone over a year I tend to remember at least their name.

I'm glad for it. I know there are some things in my life that I have tried very hard to forget, as well. I can't remember what they are...

But this is where community comes in. As good as your personal memory might be it is limited. Your friends will remember things that you do not, and remind you of them. And you them. Together we're stronger.

But to answer the question: A lot. I used to be a real shit head. I'm slightly less of a shit head these days. Still a shit head, but not as angry, insecure, or malevolent.
 
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Borzak

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The memory fog I'm OK with. Apparently there was a pretty massive change in my outward personality. That I do not remember. It's no secret post college I was and am to a degree still a hermit. Stuff people have shared with stories, pictures, yearbooks that I have never looked at seems to contradict that by a pretty large amount. Just processing it all now is taking some thinking.

Yes I'm trying to do self therapy lol. I'm just kind of concerned something happened that I blacked out or something. I went from a lot of friends, being named in the yearbook for several social things, friends having lots of memories of me being much more social, being head of some functions socially. To no friends and no social life at all. No idea why, except one person I talked to who said we figured you were in prison.
 
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Feanor

Karazhan Raider
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I've changed a lot. I used to be excited about everything and now I only give a shit about the things I give a shit about. I actively remove everything that does not fit with me unlike before, when I was the one that used to try to find common ground with others.

I don't give a shit about pleasing anyone anymore, you either get with the program or get the fuck out.

I'm only a superpower away from literally obliterating the entire planet so that nothing ever lives or dies again. Except me. Even after I am dead, I will haunt the memories of my loved ones looking over them eternally disappointed. I will live forever. I will never die.
 
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Borzak

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You do not want to get a message and friends request from me on facebook. In the last week or so I sent several only to find out they had died earlier. Several from cancer, one to a DWI wreck. Several women I sent messages to that were a light hearted apology for ignoring them, large percentage of ones I sent are now dead most from cancer. All mostly friends from high school.
 

Locnar

<Bronze Donator>
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Someone told me years ago that its ok to part ways with "friends" on the road of life. You walk along with them until one of you takes a left and the other a right. I'm ok with the past being foggy. I have not looked at some photo albums in years. I think most people get happier with age, I know I do. No way in hell would I want to go back to my emotional state in high school/early 20's.

Social contacts and "friends" have become more a burden the older I get if that can be believed. I don't want to deal with the reciprocity or even the idle chit chat that goes with "friendship". I can count the number of people I have semi regular social contacts on one hand and I am perfectly fine with that.
 
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Lambourne

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I tried the reconnecting via Facebook thing but I found it was little more than a nostalgia trip and active contact petered out fairly quickly. Most people cross our paths for a time and eventually the paths diverge again, and there's nothing wrong with that.

To answer your question: I think I've gotten better at seeing through my own bullshit as I got older. I do find myself thinking back about situations (sometimes from decades ago) and with time I've gotten a lot better at spotting when my own need for approval or some insecurity was driving my behaviour. 20 year old me would not have admitted to even having these "failings" (as I used to see them back then) even to myself so none of them ever got dealt with. Can't fix problems you won't let yourself see. It's not some lightbulb moment either, at best it's a whole string of them over a span of months or years.

One thing that helps me is to take walks. No music or podcasts or anything, just walk and let the mind wander for half an hour. I think the mind needs time to consciously think over old memories from time to time to see if anything new can be learned from them, and in this age where you can have electronics blaring distractions into your head 24/7 that time may be coming up short for a lot of people.
 
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iannis

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The memory fog I'm OK with. Apparently there was a pretty massive change in my outward personality. That I do not remember. It's no secret post college I was and am to a degree still a hermit. Stuff people have shared with stories, pictures, yearbooks that I have never looked at seems to contradict that by a pretty large amount. Just processing it all now is taking some thinking.

Yes I'm trying to do self therapy lol. I'm just kind of concerned something happened that I blacked out or something. I went from a lot of friends, being named in the yearbook for several social things, friends having lots of memories of me being much more social, being head of some functions socially. To no friends and no social life at all. No idea why, except one person I talked to who said we figured you were in prison.

Oh, well I used to be a social butterfly in my 20's. I started to calm down in my 30's. And I'm a flat fucking "GET OFF MY LAWN" grumpy old man now.

It takes a LOT of effort, and at some point I became willing to admit that I'm just lazy.

Also people will dissapoint you, and I got tired of being disappointed. I know that's a little bit dark, and it's not a life philosophy or anything, but it is true. So it may be something like that. You got busy, found rewarding work and that scratched the itch that you'd been using friendships to satisfy.

I don't know if it's normal, lots of people don't do that. But it's not particularly unusual. As in it's not an obvious sign that something's wrong, or something went wrong. Just kinda how it is sometimes.
 
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Rezz

Mr. Poopybutthole
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Personally I'm not sure I've changed much over the years. In fact most people just describe me by my name, as it apparently is a style/personality type/collection of thoughts/etc. "That's just blah being blah." etc.

I think I've let things hang out more and more over the years, but I've come to actually try harder and harder to keep friendships and people in my life... in my life. For example, I worked with a crew of people when I first got into IT 3.5 years ago. Bunch of warehouse dudes who tested server equipment and went on fieldtrips to install shit. Normal warehouse dudes. But even after I left the company I have made it a point to keep in contact with them since; we do white elephants around the holidays and get together for drinks. Only 2 out of 10 still work at the company; rest of us have since moved on, but I make a conscious effort to keep us in contact. I'm the only one really pushing for it, but everyone is always really stoked to get back together and just bullshit.

I never did that with school "friends" etc; I lived far away and hated classes at the time so my friends were more people local to me vs. those at school. Ask me to name people in my graduating class from '99 and I'll remember like... I think I can get to 10. Out of 180, and I interacted to some degree via sports or otherwise everyday with these people. Honestly? Really couldn't care less what is going on with just about any of them; they weren't important then and aren't important now. But I find myself wanting to hold onto relationships with people more strongly now than I did in my 20s. Hell, I've basically swapped an entire set of friends minus 1 person from those time frames. Still got a year and change before I hit 40, but I think that is what I am going to continue to do: keep the relationships with those I like alive while I let the ones I don't really care about fall to the wayside. I think that's just natural. Completely opposite to Iannis it seems hah.
 
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iannis

Musty Nester
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Yeah, I dunno that there really is a "normal".

We'd have to ask reddit. And we'll need a volunteer.
 

Chukzombi

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when i was a kid/young adult and i was out with my dad, i would get embarrassed when he would argue with a merchant over the price of something or getting bad service. id try to smooth it over and say, here, dad its only a dollar . heres a dollar please stop. and he would get even madder at me. 30 years later, now its my turn to be my dad and getting pissed off over dumb shit. i have no control over it other than keeping quiet while my dad would just let you have it because he had no fucks to give.
 
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Captain Suave

Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris.
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I've had the soul of a crotchety arthritic 60 year old since I was about 8. Now that I'm 2/3 there chronologically and not putting up with other people's shit is socially acceptable, I'm the happiest I've ever beeen.
 
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Borzak

Bronze Baron of the Realm
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Apparently in high school in 9 and 10th grade I was the center of attention. Had a very long list of friends or aquantinces. Made parties. Was the core of a large group. I never remember any of that, other than the names of people.

After I dropped out in 12th grade I moved to outside a town of 225. There was a number of years I didn't talk to anyone other than a few phone calls with family. I could work remotely via email at the time.

I do miss some of the people and times. I was just curios to what happened. One day I woke up and realized I didn't do anything for such a long time. I have only contacted one person I went to college with undergrad and grad school. Never looked any of them up. I only talked to my room mate who is now an executive in the wildlife division of TX Parks and wildife, and I hold a picture I could use to blackmail him lol.

People I remember from pictures I do not remember their name message me at times and talk like they have the fondest memory of things we did and I have no clue.

I'm always amazed at people who know who I am. I have some pretty high self worth issues and have forever. At least in personal life. In business it's exactly opposite. I wish I could flip them around. In high school I never was without a girl friend or a date. I never asked anyone out. I took the agressive women that made it abundantly clear or asked me out.

I needed a woman who was cave man like. Hit me over the head and drag me back to the cave. It was really difficult for me to pick up signals women were sending. Even in college I married a student of mine who drove 45 miles to bring me cough medicine when I got sick. That was a pretty strong signal.

I'm still mentally sorting it out. When I message someone and they say "OMG where did you go for 30 years". I tell them prison. It's interesting to see the number that believe that. A large number still live within 10 miles of school which shocked me.

I'm just babbling. I was asked to prom by two girls in their senior year. They said they really wanted to go since the previous year sitting at home sucked. Take two women to prom at once. OK. School wouldn't let a freshman guy go with a senior woman. The other way was ok. I was crushed lol. They only asked me because i talked to them in PE all the time. One was "averagish", the only had biggest god tities. That's pretty much all I was thinking about. That memory stayed with me to this day from 33 years ago.
 

Lambourne

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It's hard to find our own issues because they blind us, or we rationalize them as some part of our personality that's just there and immutable ("I'm just bad with women" was mine). Younger me was definitely set in stone that way, once I got older I could start poking holes in that image.

What might help is looking at where your own insecurities currently lie. What would you not want to tell someone you just met? What about you "do you know for certain" would scare someone off? That's probably the direction to ponder on.
 
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Noodleface

A Mod Real Quick
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I was always a quiet basement dweller that worked part time at a grocery store. At 26 I changed my life and went to engineering school. So yeah, kind of did the unthinkable and changed my life.
 
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TJT

Mr. Poopybutthole
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IDK. I pretty much solidified who I was by 25. I would say I am exactly the same at 32 as I was at 25 if not earlier.

Lived in a small Oregon town. Was always a loner as I had my own interests in things and had zero problem just doing them on my own. I suppose a big part of that is growing up on a very isolated property far out in the hills even for my small town. Closest neighbor we had was a 5 mile drive away. You learn to make your own fun this way. I hung out with a few people and was a big fan of individual sports like wrestling and cross country where I could singularly focus on improvement. Joined the army five days out of high school and left it at age 23. Went to engineering school and yadda yadda yadda.

In the end the only thing I really did differently is actively avoid doing things with other people directly. Because time and time again people would just get in the way with what I wanted to do personally. So it was always best to just do it on my own. Traveling, bike touring, skydiving, base jumping... really whatever. This year I will be taking up paramotoring and luckily my wife is not remotely silly enough to try and stop me on this stuff.
 
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Brahma

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Pffft. This is easy.

I don't worry about anything I can't control any longer. My family (not my kids and mom/dad) as I have gotten older, I do not give a living fuck what they think. Nor people in general. I'm pretty great in my skin. I take care of business, and then look to enjoy myself more.

Physically my body has changed as I approach 50. More fat, less energy etc. Weird thing is though my strength though diminished some...not by much. If I didn't have the aches and pains in the morning, I would say I was 30! That's how I feel after a few hours of being awake.

My mindset though? I still like doing the things I did at 25. Video games. D&D etc. I can't play sports any longer with the youngins...But I golf and occasionally play a pickup game 40+.

I'm clearly not as sharp as I was at 30 lets say. Especially my memory. I keep spreadsheets and notebooks like crazy now. BUT my puzzle/problem solving skills are still there (Rubix Cube in about 3 minutes to use an example). I'm that guy at work they come to for the answer for a problem.

Overall I still feel young. I still look good for someone that's 48 I am told. Younger women still chase me. That's not saying much, but again, to give an idea where I am in that regard.

If I was a 10/10 at 30? I'm an 8/10 right now?
 
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wamphyr

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I changed a lot, I cant no longer play 24 hours stretches on the computer like Ive used to in my 20s.
I just cant, I get tired after 1 hour of playing or 3-4 hours of watching TV series and movies.

I turned more conservative, but I think that is just because I have two daughters. Before I got kids, I used to appreciate girl that posted nudes on the internet, now I think those girls are beyond stupid.

My dark and secret fetish remained the same, but I do not watch porn anymore, almost never, but that began like 12 years ago when I began my relationship with my now-wife.

The thing that most surprised me was how much more important money (or lack of money) became once I got married. Before, when I was young and everything I truly appreciated was free (and I am referring to movies, games, books that I stole by downloading-torrenting), money were not important at all for me. Now I do worry about money a lot, even though I still truly appreciate movies, games and books and I still steal them.
 
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Borzak

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I talked to a lot of people. It's slowly coming back. Until I got out of high school I was much more social. Much more. Several people have state I was the center of the large group of us. I was voted in the senior yearbook most likely to run for office. That sounds nothing like me. I messaged a lot of people I could remember their name and almost all of them had stories to tell of stuff we did together and things I was in charge of. I apparently brought all the beer in large quantities (car full) to all the parties.

Nothing like I was a few years later when I totally shut down and became a hermit. I went years where I would talk to nobody other than emails for work, some family every so often, and my girlfriend who is now my wife. Pretty drastic. I do not know why.

Couple of people I had long talks with. A few were in a place of bad things going down. Cancer, deaths in the family, deaths of people I knew. They all were very glad to talk to me and all almost said the same thing. I knew what to say. I am of no help but I talked to them. They seemed happy to reconnect. It was rough for a few. Sounds like a twin, and I'm the evil one doesn't sound like me at all.
 

Alex

Still a Music Elitist
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You have early onset Alzheimer's or something Borzak Borzak ? How did you forget your entire high school years? You just do that many drugs? Those are pretty major formative years in almost everyones' lives. I can't imagine just completely forgetting the happenings of a four year span. That's some video game amnesia story shit.