Sorry I didn't respond earlier. I started a couple of times, but figured it was better to just wait until today. Today is the first anniversary of her death. Today sucks, but not as much as I thought it would. Leading up to today was so much worse.
I have one drive and every morning I get a notification for memories from that day. Starting in February when we went to Disney it's been really hard. I couldn't not look at them, but it was a sign of what was coming. Like the train slowly leaving the station and barrelling down on us. Every morning I'd see the notification and dread it a bit. It made me feel a bit guilty.
Almost every time I'd walk the dog for the last couple of months I'd find my thoughts drifting to the day she died. We spent thousands of days together and I couldn't remember any one of them from end to end, but I can remember that day to the minute. Seems unfair. Now that the anniversary of that day is here, I just feel tired and a bit numb. Then again, the day isn't over yet, so who knows whats coming.
The kids are doing great. They miss her. We still go to our deck and say goodnight to her every night. They still make me play Time After Time Acoustic on repeat every night. Every so often my daughter makes up a story about how mom is still alive and how she's coming back, but deep down I think she knows at this point. Last week she was telling me that mom is in Portland getting her hair cut, and she's coming back so soon.
Life doesn't stop, so I spent the morning dropping the kids off and running errands. When I got home, I decided to watch the video of her service again. I hadn't watched in almost a year. In a bit there are a couple of videos I'm going to take a look at that I've been avoiding watching. We decided she would record a video I could play the kids from her after she died. The video is about 5 minutes long. Some time ago, I was backing up her ICloud and I noticed that she had recorded almost an hour's worth of outtakes. I think I know what they'll be like. It must have been impossible for her to say those things without losing it. I don't know why I want to watch them, or why I think it's important that I do exactly, but today seems like the most appropriate day to do so.
I still don't talk to her brothers. I tried everything I could, but the house got sold, and ultimately they didn't give a shit about Tori or the people that bought their parent's house. So fuck them.
On my end, I was having a really tough time this winter. With the cold, it being dark, the kids being sick every other minute, and working from home I was in a pretty bad place. My friend Samantha came up (she's in the middle of a divorce) and we got drunk and she signed me up for every dating service that existed. She'd been on the apps for a bit already. I have google pay on my phone, so she also signed me up for premium memberships on all of them - that was a fun surprise. Anyway I started going out a bit, just to get out of the house, buy a woman dinner, have a conversation with someone where they don't know everything about me and the same for them.
Lot of fucked up jaded bitches out there. Whether its the apps that broke them or their exes, there are a lot of women with issues. But, I did meet someone in this last month and we're together (which also adds to today being weird). I'm lucky because I don't have a lot of guilt about dating someone. Tori was adamant that I date and that I don't wait until I'm too old. She just wanted her to be younger so she can run around with the kids (she is) and that she be a good person (she is).
Anyway, that's that. I've kept focusing on getting through one year, like after this its done and it'll be smooth sailing. I know that's not the case, but at least all the firsts are over with.
Thanks again for checking in on me guys. It means a lot.