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I just sneezed in the middle of cuttin a turd and about ripped my asshole open. I didn't even know that was a thing I had to worry about.

What’s another term for cuming inside a woman…. Loading the Dishwasher I like my women like I like my washing machines... Able to handle an oversized load without shaking too much... What do you call it if you like men AND women.....but they don't like you? Bi-yourself I was at my bank today...

These are quality pit memes. Much better than the same handful of recycled stories.

Buddy Ryan's son? No way! No way it was an accident, that is.

It weas just a bowl of refried beans, man. I used to always get it. Hell, when I make refried beans at home now, I still use taco bell hot sauce. Now I need a pic.

Damn. Sounds like they were practicing Dim Mak. I can't even imagine what led to that. He's probably not too tore up about the massages. Just a good excuse to keep them lower.

Of course he did. Testicles are of great interest to him. That would be like you or I reading an article on what makes some tits bigger than others. I, on the other hand, will not be reading an article about scrotums.

I don't see how age has anything to do with my giant balls.

The toilets at the place I'm working this week are literal ball washers. Goddamn jet powered jobbies with a shallow enough bowl that when I do a courtesy flush my twig and berries are fully engulfed in the deluge. I wouldn't mind so much on subsequent flushes, but that first one is kinda...

Maybe I'm an asshole, but I was expecting that to be AI with the sick kid visiting the niners in the hospital. Or at least some kinda comment about how a power station made him sick.

Are we in the 10th year of GEOTUS, or is it only the 6th? In other words do we stop the count during the interregnum in his reign or just count from the beginning since an auto pen ran the country for 4 years?

I didn't even notice that, but now I'm confused. What do dope fiends use dude wipes for other than after pooping? Because there aint no running water out there.

Was that radio shack a cell phone store, consumer electronics, or old school components?

You see my avatar right? Goldfish have no short term memory. All that's left is to win out the rest of the season and get another ring.

Alright, here's a question for all you mind-readers out there:

Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie? Because Ken came in a different box. I used to be in a band called "The Hinges" We opened for “The Doors.” What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One is a superhero, and the other is a command!

She shoulda done a prisoner costume. I'm guessing she already did it, but it should just be every year cause she's a baller like that.

I heard when Minshew left AT&T stadium last night, he pulled dak aside and told him he'd have to be the man of the house now. Then gave him a little soft punch on the chin and said "I believe in you, champ."

Hey Fuck you, pal Fuck you too, buddy

Goddamn Gerdener MInshoo!

You cannot deny it was an historic performance by baker.

Motherfucker. 2 plays later and they scored. Why am I cursed with always being right?

Oh shit, the cards are bringing in gardner minchew. I guess because their top 2 RBs and WRs got hurt. The cowboys are fucked.

Look at that goal line stand by my boys. Now we know what happens when the resistible force meets the moveable object. Gravity wins.

If it's free, you are the product. I don't trust any of those things, free or otherwise. First off, anything can be hacked, why create a loot box for hackers where they can hack one thing and get all of your common treasures? It's like putting out a statement that your servers cannot be...

Good sports

I am trying to make a login for my companies new 401k administrator. Un fucking believable. It tells me I need 3 of the 4 following. Cap letter Lower case Number Special character. So I enter a password with all but the special character. It won't let me register because the special...

Holy shit I never noticed the dude from Civil War was based on Jack Black

He better speak with a broken english ooga booga accent.

Modern phones have to learn your usage. The batteries drained quick on my last 2 phones for the first week or 2. I was dubious as it sounded like a bullshit feature, but once it learned my usage the battery life was better than I had ever seen in a phone. Maybe this update to your phone...

Is she AI? Her facial movements are weird as hell.

What a loser, couldn't even afford 4 wheel drive? You should start leaving notes on it. Like, "sorry abut your penis, bro." Be sure to go extra girly on the writing. Like dot the i with a heart and shit. I used to have a pack of these stickers. They were great because people who parked...

I didn't call you a welcher. I just said you are only one of 2 who didn't wear it for the entire year. The other one is a welcher and left rather than wear it. Maybe you are confused by the phrase "full term". I meant the full term of your reign.

That's not a butter knife on the left, it's a combination tool. Screw driver, prybar, chisel, and hole puncher. That box in the moddle is a battery charger. I don't recognize the thing on the right.

Did this get shawed because you mispelled his name, or was it intended to let dogfucker know?

Oh, the hupersonity!

What is your plan for that tent? It looks difficult to put up.

The avatar thing doesn't even count as an incentive since most likely, whoever wins will wear the avatar the entire year. I think there have only been 2 winners who didn't wear the avatar for the full term. Eraser, who got banned for not wearing it at all, and of course bubs. But that...