slippery
<Bronze Donator>
I'd like to make a few comments before I get into this post. If you just want to be an asshole or troll, please do it elsewhere. If someone thinks this thread is better elsewhere, feel free to move it but this feels like the place for it. I'm more here for peoples thoughts on life experiences and how they personally deal with things and what they do. I don't know what I'm going to say, and I'm not entirely sure in my point of making the post. It'll be long, and there will be a lot of tangents, I don't blame you for not reading it but if you do and have constructive thoughts I greatly appreciate your time.
I think a lot. It's part of my personality. I'd even go so far as to say I think too much. I analyze the shit out of everything, including myself. I'm always looking at alternative outcomes, possibilities. If I know I'm going to have a discussion about something I've probably thought of 20 different ways it could go. Mildly amusing, because as I type this it's just a spur of the moment freedom of thought post. I'm just typing what I'm thinking, because it's 3am and I need someone to talk to but the people I would are all asleep because lives.
A lot of my thinking is just because of how my brain is wired and is part of the human equation. I've done a lot of looking at my personality lately, including testing what I am and just analyzing myself.
My personality according to this test is ISTP, you can read about it here if you so desire. ISTP Strengths and Weaknesses | 16Personalities
Why have I been thinking about myself so much? I'm displeased with where I am in my life and I want to change it. I feel stuck. To some degree I am, but I'm sure that's part of my own limited thinking. Everyone I know thinks I'm a very smart person. I think I'm an intelligent idiot. I do dumb things and self sabotage unknowingly. I'm wise. But there is a lot I don't understand. I'm 31. When I was 13 I fell in love hard with a girl. There was a lot of off and on, although we never actually slept with each other. We were each others first kiss, and it was the kind of kiss in a scene that is straight from a movie. We could practically read thoughts. We had a serious connection. I could feel when she was having problems, I just knew. We lived a world apart though, and there was problems. I'm not going to go into detail about it now to any real extent. She lived in Connecticut, I lived in Florida. We talked and tried relationship things a few times as kids but what can you really do there. We both had other relationships over the years. I had a 3 year relationship at one point in high school. Anyways out of High School I joined the Air Force. When I was 20 I was visiting family in Connecticut while on leave and we went on a few dates. This is the girl I loved for so much time at that point, and every fiber of my being knows she felt the same. She cried a lot the last night we got to spend together. She had been telling all her friends about me, how she was going to be in my area in the spring and wanted to spend a bunch of time together (all her idea, not mine). The tears and emotion, the look in her eyes, it was all real. I talked to her on the phone New Years eve that year, and that was the last time I ever heard from her. I know she's okay, I had a friend make sure of it some months after. She just never called, never returned any calls, never even wrote a letter. This is a girl I had known for 8 years, had spent time with, knew, loved. Just vanished, dropped out of my life completely. I've still never talked to her since 11 years later.
It destroyed me. It literally broke me. I just could never understand what happened. She had shaped a lot of my personality and who I was. I was an extremely quiet introverted child. Going into Sophomore year of high school after the summer when we kissed changed my life. I became a supremely confident person. I could read people, I didn't doubt myself. I did amazing in whatever I wanted. I was the best at what I wanted to do and I knew it. I made friends, I knew when girls liked me, I was just a presence, I could make girls like me easily. I trusted myself. We didn't always talk a lot over those 8 years, the communication came and went. This was before everyone had cell phones and computer, it was hard. Sometimes we wrote letters, sometimes we had access to email. But she was a significant part of my life.
When she vanished from my life it destroyed everything about me. I no longer trusted myself. I just could not understand why she vanished. Not knowing is the worst part. The complete lack of closure or reasoning is impossible to deal with. How can you be confident in yourself when you can't understand how something so insane could happen? Over the years I've come up with hundreds of potential reasons ranging from I was just completely wrong about her feelings and she was just wanting a piece on the side but couldn't go through with it, to she cared too much and psyched herself out of it because the feelings were too much.
I guess the whole point of this is when I look at myself, I think this is one of the places in my life that has determined a lot of what has happened since. It's a critical turning point, and one that still impacts me today. Over the years I've learned to accept that there are things I will just not understand because other people think in ways that are completely alien to me. I've accepted that I will likely never know the answer, and I'm not sure if I could have the conversation with her to find out. I'm not even sure if I could know and it would set me free, or if it would be a relapse of sorts.
I've sabotaged a lot of my relationships over the years. Not intentionally, but when I look back I can see things I did that I know I should have done differently, but did as a reaction because of how I got destroyed. A lot of my time lately when I have too much time to think has been on these things. What did I do wrong, what should I have done differently. Like I said, way overactive brain.
As an aside, the introvert brain truly is wired differently. Interesting article http://io9.gizmodo.com/the-science-behind-extroversion-and-introversion-1282059791
I'm conscious of my downfalls, I'm more self aware then I've ever been. I understand my own weaknesses, and I'm always actively trying to prevent myself from doing dumb things. I've now got something of a plan for how to try to fix my life, although I'm not always sure how to get there.
But some days, like today I do dumb things. I think too much. I google girl that crushed my soul to make sure she's okay. I don't think I've done it in 5 years, and probably only done it 3 times ever. She's okay, she seems like she's living a decent life and is happy. This makes it harder for me, because I know I'm not happy with my life. It's not that I resent her or anything like that, it's more just self reflection that I need to figure out how to be happy, which probably starts with figuring out what exactly it is that would make me happy.
I guess I'm not really sure why I'm making this post. I could probably just delete it without posting it and it would be whatever. I feel like this isn't what I intended the post to be when I started making it, but it's what's on my mind. I think what I'm mainly looking for is have you ever really been unhappy in your life? What did you do to change it? Are you happy with your life? What did it take to get you there?
I feel like an idiot, because I'm going to hit create thread. RIP me.
I think a lot. It's part of my personality. I'd even go so far as to say I think too much. I analyze the shit out of everything, including myself. I'm always looking at alternative outcomes, possibilities. If I know I'm going to have a discussion about something I've probably thought of 20 different ways it could go. Mildly amusing, because as I type this it's just a spur of the moment freedom of thought post. I'm just typing what I'm thinking, because it's 3am and I need someone to talk to but the people I would are all asleep because lives.
A lot of my thinking is just because of how my brain is wired and is part of the human equation. I've done a lot of looking at my personality lately, including testing what I am and just analyzing myself.
My personality according to this test is ISTP, you can read about it here if you so desire. ISTP Strengths and Weaknesses | 16Personalities
Why have I been thinking about myself so much? I'm displeased with where I am in my life and I want to change it. I feel stuck. To some degree I am, but I'm sure that's part of my own limited thinking. Everyone I know thinks I'm a very smart person. I think I'm an intelligent idiot. I do dumb things and self sabotage unknowingly. I'm wise. But there is a lot I don't understand. I'm 31. When I was 13 I fell in love hard with a girl. There was a lot of off and on, although we never actually slept with each other. We were each others first kiss, and it was the kind of kiss in a scene that is straight from a movie. We could practically read thoughts. We had a serious connection. I could feel when she was having problems, I just knew. We lived a world apart though, and there was problems. I'm not going to go into detail about it now to any real extent. She lived in Connecticut, I lived in Florida. We talked and tried relationship things a few times as kids but what can you really do there. We both had other relationships over the years. I had a 3 year relationship at one point in high school. Anyways out of High School I joined the Air Force. When I was 20 I was visiting family in Connecticut while on leave and we went on a few dates. This is the girl I loved for so much time at that point, and every fiber of my being knows she felt the same. She cried a lot the last night we got to spend together. She had been telling all her friends about me, how she was going to be in my area in the spring and wanted to spend a bunch of time together (all her idea, not mine). The tears and emotion, the look in her eyes, it was all real. I talked to her on the phone New Years eve that year, and that was the last time I ever heard from her. I know she's okay, I had a friend make sure of it some months after. She just never called, never returned any calls, never even wrote a letter. This is a girl I had known for 8 years, had spent time with, knew, loved. Just vanished, dropped out of my life completely. I've still never talked to her since 11 years later.
It destroyed me. It literally broke me. I just could never understand what happened. She had shaped a lot of my personality and who I was. I was an extremely quiet introverted child. Going into Sophomore year of high school after the summer when we kissed changed my life. I became a supremely confident person. I could read people, I didn't doubt myself. I did amazing in whatever I wanted. I was the best at what I wanted to do and I knew it. I made friends, I knew when girls liked me, I was just a presence, I could make girls like me easily. I trusted myself. We didn't always talk a lot over those 8 years, the communication came and went. This was before everyone had cell phones and computer, it was hard. Sometimes we wrote letters, sometimes we had access to email. But she was a significant part of my life.
When she vanished from my life it destroyed everything about me. I no longer trusted myself. I just could not understand why she vanished. Not knowing is the worst part. The complete lack of closure or reasoning is impossible to deal with. How can you be confident in yourself when you can't understand how something so insane could happen? Over the years I've come up with hundreds of potential reasons ranging from I was just completely wrong about her feelings and she was just wanting a piece on the side but couldn't go through with it, to she cared too much and psyched herself out of it because the feelings were too much.
I guess the whole point of this is when I look at myself, I think this is one of the places in my life that has determined a lot of what has happened since. It's a critical turning point, and one that still impacts me today. Over the years I've learned to accept that there are things I will just not understand because other people think in ways that are completely alien to me. I've accepted that I will likely never know the answer, and I'm not sure if I could have the conversation with her to find out. I'm not even sure if I could know and it would set me free, or if it would be a relapse of sorts.
I've sabotaged a lot of my relationships over the years. Not intentionally, but when I look back I can see things I did that I know I should have done differently, but did as a reaction because of how I got destroyed. A lot of my time lately when I have too much time to think has been on these things. What did I do wrong, what should I have done differently. Like I said, way overactive brain.
As an aside, the introvert brain truly is wired differently. Interesting article http://io9.gizmodo.com/the-science-behind-extroversion-and-introversion-1282059791
I'm conscious of my downfalls, I'm more self aware then I've ever been. I understand my own weaknesses, and I'm always actively trying to prevent myself from doing dumb things. I've now got something of a plan for how to try to fix my life, although I'm not always sure how to get there.
But some days, like today I do dumb things. I think too much. I google girl that crushed my soul to make sure she's okay. I don't think I've done it in 5 years, and probably only done it 3 times ever. She's okay, she seems like she's living a decent life and is happy. This makes it harder for me, because I know I'm not happy with my life. It's not that I resent her or anything like that, it's more just self reflection that I need to figure out how to be happy, which probably starts with figuring out what exactly it is that would make me happy.
I guess I'm not really sure why I'm making this post. I could probably just delete it without posting it and it would be whatever. I feel like this isn't what I intended the post to be when I started making it, but it's what's on my mind. I think what I'm mainly looking for is have you ever really been unhappy in your life? What did you do to change it? Are you happy with your life? What did it take to get you there?
I feel like an idiot, because I'm going to hit create thread. RIP me.
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