jooka
marco esquandolas
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Terrible Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Gravel
- Start date
- 15,796
- 99,179
Two pilots and one stewardess survive a plane crash and drift for days in the ocean until they reach a small isolated island, in the middle of nowhere.
After some days, they get the idea that no one is coming to rescue them. It's a sad moment but life goes on, and the survivors sets up a camp, eat fish, drink coconut milk, and fall asleep under the beautiful sky. Some weeks pass.
One day, the stewardess says:
- "Okay guys, we know we're here for a long time, possibly for ever. I know you have needs, and I have needs too. We are good friends, we know each other well ... I think we can do something : I could have sex everyday, one day with one of you, and the other one on the next day, etc. And if anything goes wrong, if one of us wants to stop for any reason, we just stop without asking any question. What do you think ?"
The two pilots look at each other shyly and finally approve. It's the beginning of a new life. They make love every other day, everyone is satisfied, and they all live happy together.
Sadly, one day, the stewardess get sick. And after a few weeks of painful fever and headaches, she dies. The two pilots are very affected. But they decide to be strong, and try to keep living as they can. One day, one of them tells the other:
- "You know ... we know each other for a long time, and after all we've been through, I think we could try ... you know..."
The other pilot answers :
- "Man, I was thinking the same thing. Let's try, and if one of us wants to stop, no questions, we just stop."
And then, they have a sex again, and everything is fine again. Until one day, one of them tell the other
- "Hey ... I'm sorry but, you know, I feel bad about it, it's not as good as it was, it doesn't feel the same. We said that we could stop at any time, so, yeah, I think I want to stop".
- "Oh boy, I totally agree, it's not the same, we can stop, no problem."
- "So ... should we bury her ?"
After some days, they get the idea that no one is coming to rescue them. It's a sad moment but life goes on, and the survivors sets up a camp, eat fish, drink coconut milk, and fall asleep under the beautiful sky. Some weeks pass.
One day, the stewardess says:
- "Okay guys, we know we're here for a long time, possibly for ever. I know you have needs, and I have needs too. We are good friends, we know each other well ... I think we can do something : I could have sex everyday, one day with one of you, and the other one on the next day, etc. And if anything goes wrong, if one of us wants to stop for any reason, we just stop without asking any question. What do you think ?"
The two pilots look at each other shyly and finally approve. It's the beginning of a new life. They make love every other day, everyone is satisfied, and they all live happy together.
Sadly, one day, the stewardess get sick. And after a few weeks of painful fever and headaches, she dies. The two pilots are very affected. But they decide to be strong, and try to keep living as they can. One day, one of them tells the other:
- "You know ... we know each other for a long time, and after all we've been through, I think we could try ... you know..."
The other pilot answers :
- "Man, I was thinking the same thing. Let's try, and if one of us wants to stop, no questions, we just stop."
And then, they have a sex again, and everything is fine again. Until one day, one of them tell the other
- "Hey ... I'm sorry but, you know, I feel bad about it, it's not as good as it was, it doesn't feel the same. We said that we could stop at any time, so, yeah, I think I want to stop".
- "Oh boy, I totally agree, it's not the same, we can stop, no problem."
- "So ... should we bury her ?"
- 15,796
- 99,179
The bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant & at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods & climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired & irritated & begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down & glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?" "No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little!!!"
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant & at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods & climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired & irritated & begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down & glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?" "No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little!!!"
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
- 15,796
- 99,179
A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool.
The lifeguard asks to the class: "Does any one of you already know how to swim?"
Then the little Dimitri, all excited, answered: "Yes! I do!"
The thing is, the little Dimitri has no arms.
So the lifeguard doesn't really trust him but the little Dimitri insists: "Yeah yeah I can assure you!"
The lifeguard finally tells him to give it a try.
Unexpectedly, the little Dimitri swims very well. To the point that the lifeguard asks him: "Where did you learn to swim like that?!"
Little Dimitri: "Oh I have experience. Each weekend my father brings me to the coast, throw me into the water and I have to get back to the shore really quick."
Lifeguard: "Well... It's a little bit harsh for a method, don't you think?"
Little Dimitri: "Oh no it's not that big of a deal. The most difficult part is to get out of the plastic bag".
The lifeguard asks to the class: "Does any one of you already know how to swim?"
Then the little Dimitri, all excited, answered: "Yes! I do!"
The thing is, the little Dimitri has no arms.
So the lifeguard doesn't really trust him but the little Dimitri insists: "Yeah yeah I can assure you!"
The lifeguard finally tells him to give it a try.
Unexpectedly, the little Dimitri swims very well. To the point that the lifeguard asks him: "Where did you learn to swim like that?!"
Little Dimitri: "Oh I have experience. Each weekend my father brings me to the coast, throw me into the water and I have to get back to the shore really quick."
Lifeguard: "Well... It's a little bit harsh for a method, don't you think?"
Little Dimitri: "Oh no it's not that big of a deal. The most difficult part is to get out of the plastic bag".
- 15,796
- 99,179
A man who had just died was delivered to a local mortuary and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'
She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'
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- 99,179
This guy went to a bar...long story short, he met this broad and they went back to his place. Before they got undressed to do the horizontal mambo, he said, "Listen, I'm sorry but I don't think we should have sex right away".
"Why's that?" she said.
"Well you see, I'm hung like a baby, and I wouldn't want you to laugh and decide you didn't want to have sex with me. Why don't we get to know each other first, and then when we feel we're ready, we'll do it."
So the girl agreed, but only because he was a good-looking dude and pretty nice. Several dates later, they make it back to his place again, and after some conversation, they decide it's time. She undresses and slides into bed. He undresses, pulls out his dick, and slams it onto the bed with a thunderous noise.
She stares at his gigantic dick, in complete shock and awe. "B-b-but I thought you said you were hung like a baby?"
"I am," he replied. "8 lbs, 14 and 1/2 inches."
"Why's that?" she said.
"Well you see, I'm hung like a baby, and I wouldn't want you to laugh and decide you didn't want to have sex with me. Why don't we get to know each other first, and then when we feel we're ready, we'll do it."
So the girl agreed, but only because he was a good-looking dude and pretty nice. Several dates later, they make it back to his place again, and after some conversation, they decide it's time. She undresses and slides into bed. He undresses, pulls out his dick, and slams it onto the bed with a thunderous noise.
She stares at his gigantic dick, in complete shock and awe. "B-b-but I thought you said you were hung like a baby?"
"I am," he replied. "8 lbs, 14 and 1/2 inches."