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I wish to impregnate this woman.

You know you're drunk when...

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says. A little girl raises her hand "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to...

Why can't you fool an aborted baby?

I've started to get enlarged prostate symptoms.

A Irishman wants a job, but the boss won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here is your first question, the boss said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" the man says, "Dats easy." And proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks...

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The...

A man walks into a bar and sees a fat woman dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?' The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just...

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out. It was going on 20 minutes at this point... Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned...

Quentin got fat.

Aston Martin DBC

Being sick on Christmas day.

Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile. The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do." He said "You...

Perks of being ugly: Phone battery lasts longer.

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the...

A married couple was driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him. "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce." The husband says nothing, but slowly turns up to speed to 60 mph. "I don't want you to talk me out...

Saw it in imax this morning. I really liked it. It wasn't mind-blowing or anything, but I was entertained for the entire movie. My biggest complaint is that I was expecting the musical score to be much better than it was. I give it an 8.5/10. I'll probably go see it a couple more times.

Challenge accepted

So a hippie sits down at a bar and tries to order a beer on a tab, but the bartender wants money up front which the hippie doesn't have. So the guy next to him offers to buy him a beer. They start talking and drinking and drinking and talking. After a while the guy says to the hippie, "come with...

I'm not sure I could have finished the series without the audiobooks. It made the books much more interesting.

I suggest you read one word a day. Rothfuss might have the third book ready by the time you finish the second book.

Watching Longmire in 4K is glorious. I didn't know it had been shot in 4K, but Netflix has it for every episode.

A man is condemned to death by stoning. As the people gather around him and get ready to begin, Jesus emerges from the crowd and stands by the man. He says to the crowd, "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone." The crowd is taken aback, and begins to disperse, when an old lady comes...

A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger gal at his side... He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on...

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue...

Doesn't look half bad.

I accidentally sent my essay to the 3D printer. It came out as a piece of shit.