ADD/ADHD

Probably going to get flayed alive for this, but here goes.

I come from a family of extraordinarily Type A, OCD types. It's worked well for them, at least fiscally- My aunts and uncles all have well-paying jobs, and some of them have already been able to retire early after busting their ass for 20-30 years. Even the ones who didn't go into 'moneyed' fields are driven. In their personal lives they are clean, neat, orderly, task-oriented. I, on the other hand, am the exact fucking opposite.

Ever since I was a kid I had a reputation for being unfocused and spacy. I'd forget homework assignments, daydream a lot. I was tired all the time because I didn't sleep well (and often had some terrible nightmares.) I put off attending to 'future' stuff until the last minute when it came to preparing for college- I ended up going to a pretty prestigious university, and I have talent in the field I went into, but college was insane. I barely passed the freshman crunch and, while I was featured as 'top kid' in my class by graduation, that was more by virtue of social networking than anything. I didn't apply myself at all, and because of that missed out on some career opportunities that were available to my peers at graduation.

I've been trying to find ways to cope with what I'm pretty certain is ADD for years now. Self-help books, meditation, the use of work timers...Nothing helps. Last year I finally bit the bullet and went to see a therapist. He talked about himself for thirty minutes, asked me questions for ten, then diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. I was proscribed Wellbutrin and a supposed 'mood stabilizer'. I went home and did my research, and found out that Pfizer had had to pay out millions of dollars in lawsuits filed by people who were proscribed the medication that was not approved for the off-label uses doctors were assigning it. I threw out both bottles and never went back to the guy.

The problem has accelerated. I can't sustain a thought for more than 5-10 seconds at a time. I misplace things, forget appointments, leave doors open (to the point where I was thrashing around in the bushes outside my house at 10:30 at night because I let one of the cats out.) I have work commissions and assignments piling up that are half-complete or not even started at all. When I sleep, it's horribly- I wake up 10-15 times a night, and have vivid nightmares almost every night. I can't even remain focused on supposed 'pleasant' activities like videogames and talking with friends- I'm constantly tabbing out to look at stupid random shit.

I've never been on medication, but I think I've reached the point where I don't much have a choice. I've scheduled the preliminary counseling I need to get a psychiatric referral, but... I wanted input from people who have been diagnosed with the disorder and/or have consistently taken ADD/ADHD medication. To be honest, I'm mostly worried (from the anecdotal shit I've seen around the internet) that stuff like Adderall and Ritalin would do more harm than good, but I'm at my wit's end. The one thing I want more than anything is to be able to sit down and put in 8 hours of work at my job, but I don't want to have to turn into a zombie to do that.

Help me out bros. Tell me stuff.

Thanks for the responses guys.

I know to an absolutely certainty that my lifestyle exacerbates the issue. Plainly speaking- I don't get out much. I work from home, which pretty much means I'm glued to my computer all day, for both work and recreation. I was a consistent gym-goer through my latter years of high school, and without a doubt being physically active helped- I ate better and slept better. College introduced me to sitting on my ass and smoking copious amounts of pot- which, in the beginning, was actually helpful when it came to helping me focus on my work. In the beginning. I'm not a heavy smoker even when I have a stack readily available (I'll go through maybe an 8th in three weeks), but I realized that it started to hurt more than help.

Gym membership and a better eating plan isn't exactly an option for us at the moment. My husband and I are sustained, almost solely, by his income. Sure as shit isn't for lack of trying on my end- I've taken on four 'big' paid projects over the last two years from 4 different companies. Not worth detailing but a lack of iron-clad contract with all of them has assured I haven't seen a dime from any of them- and we're talking about some pretty well-known names in the industry. We're talking about published/used work that is photoshopped to remove my credit and shipped as part of an IP or project. I'm pretty sure that too has a big effect on my productivity- s'hard to stay focused and driven when you've been repeated fucked over. Hardly an excuse for not earning my keep, but I know it's a big part of it. When it comes to the exercise there's honestly nothing keeping me from going outside and running my ass off, but our food options are truly limited by a budget. We eat what's cheap and filling.

As per the commentaries on the medication and people's experiences with it: Thanks for the information. I've come to the realization that it's going to be a lifelong struggle to cope, medication or otherwise. The problem is that my chosen career path is not particularly conducive to leading a healthy lifestyle and finding a good balance (The greats put in 14-hour days, 6 days a week.) ADD is incredibly common in my field (at least on the preliminary level), and its basically a deathknell for anyone who truly wants to -make- it.

No. My parents were always leery about having their children seen to for...'head-related things.' I don't know that what I have could be diagnosed as night terrors- I don't wake up screaming or terrorized, really, and the 'nightmare' aspect is largely confined to the dream itself (no lingering fear/pain/anxiety once I wake up.) A lot of it is pretty much garden-variety nightmares with a heavy dose of personal phobias for good measure- I'm deathly afraid of plane travel, so plane crashes/explosions figure pretty heavily.

Honestly, I slept better when I was single and didn't have pets. I would still wake up frequently, but I'm sure snoring and constantly having a cat's ass in your face doesn't help.