lindz
#DDs
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I'm so sorry OneofOne. I can't even comprehend what you are feeling, but my heart goes out to you all the same.
Depression
- Thread starter Tarrant
- Start date
Kreugen
Vyemm Raider
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- 793
Nothing has really changed since I started posting to this thread. I haven't seen a therapist, because just the monthly trips to my GP leave me feeling horrible enough. I do, however, stay distracted better. I'm not dwelling on shit daily. And if I do, I just take a nap or something. Work is much more tolerable - hell, enjoyable, sometimes. But it's a poor social outlet because I'm the only non-grandparent in the building. So when I do feel positive, there's not much of an outlet for it.
OneofOne
Silver Baronet of the Realm
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Thanks. I can't even fathom that Tarrant. That really is (to me) a nightmare come true. I realize people with kids get divorced every day - I just don't really understand how you guys can cope with it for so long. The last especially - how did you not drink yourself into a stupor? I'm not even at the point of really imagining my wife with someone else. I think it really takes a lot to be able to keep getting up every day, putting one foot in front of the other, while dealing with a situation like that.
Tarrant
<Prior Amod>
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My divorce was like removing a band aid, it was done fast and hurt like hell for a short while.
I came home from working 3rd shift and decided to make her breakfast in bed. I moved her purse off the counter and saw a yellow form from legal aid sticking out of it, it was forms to file for divorce. I went in the room to ask her about it and she said she wasn't happy and didn't think I would want to do therapy. I told her I did and we worked on things. It was decided we would spend most the time together but I would set her up in her own place while we were working on things. Got her a tiny apartment (kids stayed with me) and got her some cheap furniture. Her first night over there she was texting me saying it was weird and she missed me, things looked like they were going to eventually be okay.
Then my buddy who was her neighbor told me some guy was over there at night, a few days later I called her and told her obviously this wasn't okay if we were going to work on things and she told me he wasn't going anywhere as she had put him on the lease. A month later she was pregnant with twins by the guy, come to find out they had been "together" since Christmas and it was now April.
The kids stayed with me until early October when our speedy divorce was finalized. She got physical custody as kids are better off with a mother we got joint legal. I lost everything...my house, my car until finally I moved 4 hours south to start over in Minneapolis. All I had was a junker car, my tv, two suit cases and my cat. I later sold my TV to buy Christmas gifts for my kids as it was their first Christmas with the divorce and I wanted to make sure they got at least a couple nice gifts.
Anyways...I didn't have time to "imagine her with another man" because she already was. My first revelation came on Thanksgiving when I was alone and was eating a Turkey TV dinner. I realized stewing in self pitty and sorrow wasn't going to provide for my kids. Them seeing me a wreck wasn't going to do them any favors and I wasn't going to give my ex the satisfaction of seeing me struggle.
I didn't have time at the beginning to drink myself into a stupor because I had my kids and needed to care for them, that first month I was down in Minneapolis though....it was bad.
It gets better though. Being apart from you kids never does, but the divorce itself does. My ex is still with that same guy 6 years later. My kids call him dad, they call my daddy. When they first started referring to him as dad (my ex made them) I was torn up about it. Until my oldest son, who was only 5 at the time told me "Daddy...anyone can be a dad, but you'll always be my only daddy."
That shit nearly burst my heart with pride and love. I never expected such a thing to come out of a 5 year olds mouth but until the day I die, I'll always remember it like it was yesterday.
Anyways, this got pretty long. My point is, even though shit is going to get even worse for you than it is now. (and believe me, it will) it will get better. And I know everyone is telling you that and you let it go in one ear and out the other...but it's true. And the more bullshit you deal with and put up with, all that means is that you're that much closer to things getting better.
In the end, all that matter is your kids and your own happiness. As your kids grow they will also want you to be happy. Be strong for them, be there for them, don't bad mouth their mother and set misinformation strait that they receive from her. (if they do) Don't be a dick about it, don't do it with anger or trying to turn it around on their mother as her fault...just be there for them and assure them that no matter what has or will happen...you're always going to be there for them and will always love them.
Also, my daughter was only 2 when we split. She has absolutely no memory of ever living with me and has been raised and lived with another man who she known as her dad as well...yet shes a daddys girl. I don't spoil her, I don't buy her shit all the time...or even often really. But I call her, I talk to her and when she's at my place we sit and read, watch TV, play games and she tells me stories and we have a connection that is uncomparable to anything else in this world. The dude she lives with she doesn't have any connection to, she doesn't even like to sit near him. It pisses my ex off to no end.
You do things right, your relationship with your son wont suffer, it'll just be different than you envisioned when he was born. And that's okay.
I promise, it and everything else, will be okay.
(sorry for the length of this and I hope it wasn't too boring or shitty to read)
I came home from working 3rd shift and decided to make her breakfast in bed. I moved her purse off the counter and saw a yellow form from legal aid sticking out of it, it was forms to file for divorce. I went in the room to ask her about it and she said she wasn't happy and didn't think I would want to do therapy. I told her I did and we worked on things. It was decided we would spend most the time together but I would set her up in her own place while we were working on things. Got her a tiny apartment (kids stayed with me) and got her some cheap furniture. Her first night over there she was texting me saying it was weird and she missed me, things looked like they were going to eventually be okay.
Then my buddy who was her neighbor told me some guy was over there at night, a few days later I called her and told her obviously this wasn't okay if we were going to work on things and she told me he wasn't going anywhere as she had put him on the lease. A month later she was pregnant with twins by the guy, come to find out they had been "together" since Christmas and it was now April.
The kids stayed with me until early October when our speedy divorce was finalized. She got physical custody as kids are better off with a mother we got joint legal. I lost everything...my house, my car until finally I moved 4 hours south to start over in Minneapolis. All I had was a junker car, my tv, two suit cases and my cat. I later sold my TV to buy Christmas gifts for my kids as it was their first Christmas with the divorce and I wanted to make sure they got at least a couple nice gifts.
Anyways...I didn't have time to "imagine her with another man" because she already was. My first revelation came on Thanksgiving when I was alone and was eating a Turkey TV dinner. I realized stewing in self pitty and sorrow wasn't going to provide for my kids. Them seeing me a wreck wasn't going to do them any favors and I wasn't going to give my ex the satisfaction of seeing me struggle.
I didn't have time at the beginning to drink myself into a stupor because I had my kids and needed to care for them, that first month I was down in Minneapolis though....it was bad.
It gets better though. Being apart from you kids never does, but the divorce itself does. My ex is still with that same guy 6 years later. My kids call him dad, they call my daddy. When they first started referring to him as dad (my ex made them) I was torn up about it. Until my oldest son, who was only 5 at the time told me "Daddy...anyone can be a dad, but you'll always be my only daddy."
That shit nearly burst my heart with pride and love. I never expected such a thing to come out of a 5 year olds mouth but until the day I die, I'll always remember it like it was yesterday.
Anyways, this got pretty long. My point is, even though shit is going to get even worse for you than it is now. (and believe me, it will) it will get better. And I know everyone is telling you that and you let it go in one ear and out the other...but it's true. And the more bullshit you deal with and put up with, all that means is that you're that much closer to things getting better.
In the end, all that matter is your kids and your own happiness. As your kids grow they will also want you to be happy. Be strong for them, be there for them, don't bad mouth their mother and set misinformation strait that they receive from her. (if they do) Don't be a dick about it, don't do it with anger or trying to turn it around on their mother as her fault...just be there for them and assure them that no matter what has or will happen...you're always going to be there for them and will always love them.
Also, my daughter was only 2 when we split. She has absolutely no memory of ever living with me and has been raised and lived with another man who she known as her dad as well...yet shes a daddys girl. I don't spoil her, I don't buy her shit all the time...or even often really. But I call her, I talk to her and when she's at my place we sit and read, watch TV, play games and she tells me stories and we have a connection that is uncomparable to anything else in this world. The dude she lives with she doesn't have any connection to, she doesn't even like to sit near him. It pisses my ex off to no end.
You do things right, your relationship with your son wont suffer, it'll just be different than you envisioned when he was born. And that's okay.
I promise, it and everything else, will be okay.
(sorry for the length of this and I hope it wasn't too boring or shitty to read)
Tuco
I got Tuco'd!
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As a non parent whose parents never really pulled that shit, is it true that kids can tell when they're lying? I feel like parents lie to their kids all the time about their exes, and it's only when they are grown up and remember specific lines of bullshit do they realize, "Hey, my mom was lying to me about why my dad missed my baseball game..."
Khane
Got something right about marriage
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Kids aren't as dumb as adults like to pretend they are. In turn adults are usually really lazy and stupid about the way they lie to kids. So in short, yes, kids can tell.
OneofOne
Silver Baronet of the Realm
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I appreciate you guys describing your situations - not boring or shitty to read. Helps me realize that I really can make it through this. I've had huge depression issues my entire life so putting the two together just makes it more fun. I fully expect this to be an amicable split, at least in the sense of there being no games, no fights, no being shitty to each other. Neither of us are like that - hell, I still love her anyways. It's just going to take some time to power through this, and for me to accept my new reality. But reading your situation, Tarrant, I almost feel like a whining bitch, because it could be a lot worse. Both my wife and I grew up in shitty dysfunctional families so we're both very aware of how not to treat each other, so I'm not worried about her trying to turn my son against me, or me doing the same.
The depression just races my mind to the worst possible outcome down every line of thought, makes me feel like a complete loser for letting my wife slip away, etc etc.
The depression just races my mind to the worst possible outcome down every line of thought, makes me feel like a complete loser for letting my wife slip away, etc etc.
I'm actually happy.I feel happy.
I was on Effexor, which was okay. There was a point where it gave me this weird euphoric feeling. I liken it to the world being lit with chemical lights instead of sunlight. A jittery, disconnected ecstacy. I thought it was great at first, but it didn't last. The Effexor kept my mood fairly stable, it just didn't really do much for me beyond that.
So I talked to my doc, and I started Prozac a week ago. Horrible idea. I was never seriously suicidal, but Prozac did it to me. It took me to some really dark places. I don't think I've ever felt so low. If I ever had any thoughts for self harm, it would have happened over the last week. So I stopped taking it.
The medication is out of my system, now. And... I feel fucking happy. It was an epiphany. I hadn't given up. Even when my mind was at its worst, I didn't give up. I wasn't beaten. The best thing is, it's not the same, weird happiness of the drugs. It doesn't feel artificial. I can trace its roots. Its a part of me. Its from the part of me that won't take shit from the chemical and electrical signals getting tossed around inside my head. The best thing is, I can remember being happy like this before. I'm connecting the feeling to other times I was happy. It's been long time since I've been able to do that. I had trouble remembering happy times before.
I actually feel like I could cry out of joy instead of grief for the first time in my life.
I was on Effexor, which was okay. There was a point where it gave me this weird euphoric feeling. I liken it to the world being lit with chemical lights instead of sunlight. A jittery, disconnected ecstacy. I thought it was great at first, but it didn't last. The Effexor kept my mood fairly stable, it just didn't really do much for me beyond that.
So I talked to my doc, and I started Prozac a week ago. Horrible idea. I was never seriously suicidal, but Prozac did it to me. It took me to some really dark places. I don't think I've ever felt so low. If I ever had any thoughts for self harm, it would have happened over the last week. So I stopped taking it.
The medication is out of my system, now. And... I feel fucking happy. It was an epiphany. I hadn't given up. Even when my mind was at its worst, I didn't give up. I wasn't beaten. The best thing is, it's not the same, weird happiness of the drugs. It doesn't feel artificial. I can trace its roots. Its a part of me. Its from the part of me that won't take shit from the chemical and electrical signals getting tossed around inside my head. The best thing is, I can remember being happy like this before. I'm connecting the feeling to other times I was happy. It's been long time since I've been able to do that. I had trouble remembering happy times before.
I actually feel like I could cry out of joy instead of grief for the first time in my life.
My GP is the one that took me off the Prozac. I told her as soon as I started feeling that shit happening.
Eidal
Molten Core Raider
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If anyone here would like to correspond via PM about anything, feel free. I am a huge proponent of exercise -- everyone SHOULD do it, and most of us know that. If you want help getting started with some physical activity, please hit me up. I'd love to help. I did this while active duty and I do it now (helping people with a personal workout plan); everyone I know is happier with a workout plan that they follow. Scientists don't lie, your body responds favorably with chemicals from a good workout plan.
This is what I'm afraid of, but I'm also going to take every fucking victory I can get and build on them. I feel happy. I can't tell you how amazing it is. If I have to turn around and immediately start another drug... fine. But I'm holding on to this feeling as long as I fucking can, because... well, I think I've clearly explained why.Dabamf_sl said:
Izo
Tranny Chaser
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Facilitated physical activity as a treatment for depressed adults: randomised controlled trial
I'm curious, what's your angle?
Warmuth
Molten Core Raider
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Just like anything else exercise can help some people and not others. It's in no way the cure-all espoused by, mostly, people who have never had real clinical style depression, not the "my life sucks" doldrums. Doesn't hurt to try though and hey, bonus, I'm in better health anyway.
When I battled that shit in my 30's all exercise ever did was heighten my anxiety.
When I battled that shit in my 30's all exercise ever did was heighten my anxiety.
Izo
Tranny Chaser
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So by that logic, one might as well take an economics class, because, hey, I'm better with numbers? Or take a job, because, hey, I'd have a downpayment for my house?
How precisely does exercise benefit the depressed in treatment with pharma + cognitive therapy?
Izo
Tranny Chaser
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Before you move the goal posts too far, read the article and answer this question: how does exercise help the depressed whom are in pharmacological + cognitive therapy?
Chris
Potato del Grande
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I'm going to guess that exercise greatly helps mild depression. I have that and it does really, really help.
When I had severe depression I wasn't in a fit state to leave the house, let alone go jogging like I try to do now. I started going to the gym as I was recovering and I think that leaving the house was what helped rather than the excercise itself.
When I had severe depression I wasn't in a fit state to leave the house, let alone go jogging like I try to do now. I started going to the gym as I was recovering and I think that leaving the house was what helped rather than the excercise itself.
OneofOne
Silver Baronet of the Realm
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I'm not getting into this (or any) debate with you - I've seen the way you "debate". I'm talking to everyone else. (So ironic you mention moving goalposts though...)
Izo
Tranny Chaser
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I meant no offense. I thought you were commenting on the clinical setting. Perhaps you'd like to clarify what you mean then? Please?
Are you per chance arguing, that exercise helps with comorbidities related to depression when you say indirectly? I can get on board with that, sure.
I wonder what you mean when you say it helps directly. Under what settings? Dabamf already stated the part which is hard to make double blinded RCT's on - exercise alone. The action bias alone makes it hard to do without additional parameters. The authors of the article use the clinically relevant setting of those depressed already in treatment - pharma and cognitive - and the outcome is exercise makes no difference in depression score nor pharma usage.
Perhaps you have an alternative way of measuring if it makes a difference or not?