Alcestis said:
Maybe I"m dense, but I don"t get it :/
I talked with her for about 10 minutes on the drive home last night. It seems like every time we talk, the story changes a bit. It"s tough to remember everything that was said, but overall it seems I "misunderstood" her last week and that indeed we were still a couple, that she wanted to continue the relationship, but was super busy and that was the main reason why we hadn"t been hanging out in the past few weeks. At least that"s what she insisted.
I don"t remember exactly what led up to it, but at one point she said (and this is nearly verbatim) "I don"t know if I want to be in a serious relationship now, or one that"s leading to marriage" and talked about how she had had a good thing going the past year not being with someone other than the sporadic hookups with Jay and getting established at teaching and she was happy with her life like that. I didn"t to remind her that she indicated to me that during the entire period of her "arrangement" with Jay she wanted a relationship.
I reminded her of several things, namely that she was the one who brought it up from time to time ("haha, my friends were all bugging me that we"re going to be engaged by this fall things are going so well" she said at some point when I went to a wedding with her right before things went sideways), that when we first started dating she said she was looking for a (serious) relationship, that we had talked a couple times and both said we were fine with how things were moving, and that I certainly didn"t have any time-lines or serious thoughts of anything like that in the near or even mid future. She responded that it"s strange how I can remember so many things to throw back in her face, but can"t remember anything about her (her only example was that I get her cousin and good friend"s names confused even though they"re almost identical), but she was only half serious about it.
We talked a bit about how much we had been hanging out, and she said that while she was fine with hanging out 3-5 times a week for the first while, it was getting hard for her to "fit me in" to her life and that if we were to continue at least for the next while, that we wouldn"t be able to hang out as much as we had (but also that might change in the summer, since she won"t be working, although she"s taking a course or two and has other stuff but definitely nothing equivalent to a fulltime job). She talked about how she hadn"t been doing her usual hangouts with her friends or cousin, that kind of thing. Again I reminded her that she had said things were fine previously and that if it was a problem, she should have let me know weeks ago. She didn"t really have much of a response, other than to say "well we"re talking about it now aren"t we? I"m sorry I didn"t mention this earlier." I said I was fine with hanging out less, that I was busy too, and that I too hadn"t been seeing some of my friends on as regular a basis as well.
She also said to me that she wasn"t sure what I "wanted to hear" from her. I told her that based on our conversation last week and the fact we"ve seen each other maybe 4 times in the past 3 weeks, I was under the impression that we were more or less on hiatus and that she needed time to figure out where we were at. She insisted that she did want to continue the relationship, and that"s what she intended for me to take away from our last meeting. I reiterated that wasn"t what I understood, but if that was indeed the case then that was good news to me, and that going forward we should worry about enjoying each other"s company, and not necessarily where things are going and that kind of thing.
Dabamf said:
I don"t know if I"ve "lost" her now, it seems to me that she"s pulling back because things got too serious too fast, even though a lot (if not most) of it in my opinion was due to her. Whether that means her feelings towards me have changed or not, I don"t know. Or rather, whether they"ve changed enough or in such a way to preclude the relationship continuing, I don"t know.
So, option (A) is take control, be demanding with her and let her know that time is up and if she hasn"t figured her shit out you are gonna move on.
Well, it seems like she actually has made the decision to continue on, but in what form that takes in the relationship and whether it lasts remains to be seen. No need to make a demand, unless my demand is "declare your one true love for life to me" which would be kind of weird.
Option (B) is pull away, as clearly and blatantly as you can, respond to her texts with 0 effort (e.g. "what are you doing", "nothing"...."how was your day?" "fine") and putting in nothing.
Definitely going to take some from this column. As stated above, looks like some distance is required between us.
There is also option (C) which is make plans with her for the wedding, and on the day of you call and cancel and go out with friends for a beer or something, which would royally piss her off and with any luck, put the power right back into your hands. Risky, assholeish, but I kind of like that option.
I think that would be a pretty bad move. If it was a regular date, whether that be just the two of us or going out with a few friends, then I could see. But a wedding? Leaving her to show up by herself when she was supposed to have a date? That might leave a really bad taste in her mouth and not have the desired effect. Not to mention that unless she finishes up with work tonight, it would be the only time in nearly two weeks we were supposed to have hung out. If she were to ask me why I cancelled at the last second and I responded with "oh, I decided to go have some beers with my boys", I doubt she"d buy that explanation.
But you"ve got 3 days to convince me why it"s a good idea .
I like (B). I think she lost feelings somehow and you need to remind her how much she likes you by pulling away. You can"t half ass it though and can"t be afraid to go against the inborn social ritual norms that you have, such as reciprocating politeness & interest. You gotta make a point of being short as much as possible and never reassure her. If you are doing this right you will feel very uncomfortable when you talk to her, you"ll feel like you"re being excessively impolite. If you don"t, you"re doing it wrong.
Good luck. I"m very curious which one is the best route. But please please please PICK one and commit to it. I think it"s the only hope you have.
As indicated above, I will take some from column B, but I don"t think I need to take it as far as you suggest. You"re absolutely right that it might be tough for me to do in terms of feeling uncomfortable doing it.
Mandriana said:
Option D) Go to the wedding with her, then ignore her as much as possible, while ingratiating yourself upon her family members and hot single girlfriends (in a charming fashion, don"t be creepy/sleazy). Make extensive use of the free/discount bar booze.
pfft, I was half expecting e) let Mandri nail her in a filthy bar bathroom
But joking aside, that"s what I"ll most likely do. I won"t ignore her as much as possible, but hopefully it"ll be a "young" wedding or table so I can socialize with others rather than just follow her around or chat with her co-teachers like at the last wedding (I was interrogated by her female principal about children, what my intentions were, what I did etc).
Drave said:
What"s her nationality? That sounds very British/Aussie.
Canadian, several generations. Some Scottish and other Euro in her background. Not much to read in to there.
Drave said:
Maybe she wants to make it work, she just wants to see if you are able man-up and help with the "business" side of the relationship (aka like bills, planning, etc), not just sex (which mostly relieves you, not her).
If you can"t, you are added to her workload (like taking care of a child), instead of helping (like a husband).
Ok enough of the /Dr. Phil mode!
Well, she lives at home, she has no bills. Maybe she pays rent to her dad, but I don"t think so. As far as dates etc I pretty much pay for everything. She offers to pay and often she does for dinner etc, but as far as hockey tickets, concert tickets and that kind of thing I"ve told her not to worry when she asks about how much they cost. I haven"t showered her with shit (no flowers or gifts), don"t get me wrong, and she doesn"t have expensive tastes like Xerxes but most dates I"ve paid for. Mainly cause the concerts we"ve been to are bands I wanted to see and not necessarily bands she wanted to (had extra tickets or no one else was going), and I don"t expect her to pay for a concert she"d probably not see if she was footing the bill. And as mentioned, she"s supposedly trying to save up for a downpayment for a condo or house.
In some ways she"s a stereotypical teacher. She is all stressed out about work and getting her report cards etc done like it"s the most important thing in the world, when the reality is her work hours and work load are probably nothing compared to most people"s jobs, and let"s face it: none of the shit she"s stressed about is going to mean sweet fuck all to most of her kids in 3 years, let alone 5 (she teaches grade 5 special needs kids). But on the other hand, this is her first full year teaching on her own, so she"s figuring things out and stressing about stuff that in a few years she"ll realize aren"t that big of a deal.
Once the school year is done in a couple weeks, we"ll see how she is I guess. I"ll text her later this afternoon to see if she"s up for hanging out this evening or not, and otherwise bank on going to the wedding on Friday and proceeding slowly with our relationship.
Thanks to those who take the time to read and offer advice, I genuinely appreciate it even if I don"t always follow it to the letter. Plus it"s cathartic to spew my thoughts out here and organize and analyze them a bit more.
