Girls who broke your heart thread

the irony is that it sounds like the people suffering from a lack of confidence are actually the ones who would complain about that kind of shit.

Pasteton said:

When i said that i meant i"d say something like "yea he"s definitely got a better mind for business than me" or "your dad sounded upset about something";

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The first comment, what is the context? If you were not directly in the content of the conversation, comparing "he" to you makes no sense and is weird. For example, if the conversation went something like "blah blah blah now his business is really successful blah blah blah" and you say "yea, he"s definitely got a better mind for business than me" that"s just a weird thing to say because you are not at all in the conversation. You are bringing a comparison into the topic that was never made and doesn"t belong. Really that comment only makes sense to say if the conversation directly involved yourself in the content. In any other context it sounds weird.

Don"t compare people to you in a conversation unless you are brought up in the conversation, i.e. unless someone else makes the comparison first. Otherwise why not simply say "yea, he"s got a good mind for business." Comparing yourself to other people when no comparison is warranted or asked for is a weird thing to do and a red flag for a lack of confidence.

The girl being weird about questions like "your dad seemed upset" could be just because she likes to avoid reality and live in a fairytale where everything"s perfect, but also could be because she"s tired in general of negativity from you and doesn"t wanna hear any more whether its warranted or not. I think it"s impossible to tell.

tl;dr: Give general compliments instead of making comparisons to yourself. "He"s smart" is good, "he"s smarter than me" is not.

and lol @ ark"s neg comment, you"re trying to hard

Ok, I saw a therapist 2 nights ago. I debated posting here, but I figured I would at least give a follow up.

The visit wasnt bad and I never thought it would be (just not sure it would work). She let me sit where I wanted and said I could talk about what was on my mind, even if it was a recent movie i had seen or a song i had heard. I pretty much got down to business.

It was actually nice talking about what has happened to me and the feelings that I still have without someone throwing in "You need to forget her" or some BS line like that. She asked how certain things made me feel and I found myself either answering "Mad" or "I dont really know".

She didnt really say a lot. I actually got this first visit for free, so maybe thats why she didnt, but she told me one thing:

1) That I didnt need to move on from my ex, but to move on with my life. That I could still love my ex, be there for her and be her friend, but without it hurting me.

She then started asking me what kinds of things I like to do and what music I like. She asked what I like to do with my son and basically chatted up the last 10 or 15 minutes. Not real sure, the time went so fast.

I really felt like I left a lot out. I tried to cram in 2 1/2 years of emotion and pain, but I know I didnt even scratch the surface.

EDIT** I feel really dumb posting this here now. Like I am weak or unable to handle things myself. I dont regret going, but I feel like I am less of a person because I did go. It makes me uncomfortable and I dont even know you people.

Brad2770 said:

I saw a therapist.

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Brad2770 said:

Ok, I saw a therapist 2 nights ago.

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Good for you. Sounds like a keeper therapist as well for the next few visits - remember if you aren"t comfortable with this one that there are others out there that are better. Therapy works, and the cost is worth it.

Brad2770 said:

Ok, I saw a therapist 2 nights ago.

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She"s trying to establish a connection and build trust.

Honestly, the last thing you should do is search for internet therapy by posting here. If you are going to a therapist, go, and keep it to yourself. Stay away from the arm chair shrinks(Etoille and so on)... actually try to get something out of therapy. You don"t need people second guessing everything a trained professional told you.

You need to get the idea out of your head that asking for help makes you less of a man. It"s infinitely better to ask for some help and get control of things than to carry on not doing a great job. Applies to life in general just as much as to operating machinery, playing MMOs, or whatever. Asking for some help and then doing a good job is so much better than just sailing along on the failboat, too scared to to seek help.

Rathmort said:

Asking for some help and then doing a good job is so much better than just sailing along on the failboat, too scared to to seek help.

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Seconded. The stupidest question of all is the one you didn"t ask. Just go man, it can"t hurt, as long as you feel you"re getting your money"s worth.

I am reading "therapist" every time as "the rapist" fucking SNL

Tenks said:

I am reading "therapist" every time as "the rapist" fucking SNL

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Gratuitous Arrested Development reference!

I freaking hate this thread, post more pictures of ex girlfriends or GTFO and stop crying

Alcestis, Simas, et al. Thanks for the help. At the least, I feel more confident so things should go better. She comes into town next week, so we"ll be meeting up on Saturday. Should be good times.

Wanted to comment on brad"s post in more detail since after all the bitching and proding we gave him, no one (myself included) actually gave anything positive beyond "good job" after he did what we all suggested

Brad2770 said:

EDIT** I feel really dumb posting this here now. Like I am weak or unable to handle things myself. I dont regret going, but I feel like I am less of a person because I did go. It makes me uncomfortable and I dont even know you people.

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It doesn"t take strength to avoid a problem and never correct it. A weak man does that. A strong man has the ability to see where he is not sufficient on his own, and finds help. Sounds like you"re thinking along the lines of "manly men drink beer and watch sports and don"t have emotions", which is wrong, because that stereotypical man is a weak little boy inside.

Anyway, I hope you go back. I think a lot of counseling is just being able to express things without fear of judgment. They are obviously also trained in techniques to help solve the problem, well, depending on what theoretical stance they have (avoid psychoanalysis). But I gotta give you props for going, whatever the catalyst was. Ali G said it best.
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Things for me are going really well with DG. I find myself leaning towards many of the things I yell at people on here for, such as wanting to contact every day, not being unavailable at times, staying 1 step behind (jesus I suck at this one**) etc, but I usually catch myself. It"s easy to advocate from the outside, but requires discipline when you"re actually in the situation.

After last sunday movie/makeout, I had an obligation in the city for 4/5 nights so I would pay her a visit at work usually as I passed by. On two separate nights she had already got off work and gone home before I got back around 11:30, but was eager to come meet me outside anyway (she lives near the train station). After that Sunday we"ve progressively gotten a lot closer. It was sorta the turning point in what had become slightly boring/tedius with nothing but lunch dates which tbh weren"t all that exciting. Now we send cheesy affectionate texts (this time I actually was successful in waiting for her to do it first) in broken english and korean. She started off being sorta cryptic, sending messages in korean that she had to know are above my skill to understand, but I simply took them to my coteacher to translate. That was the cue I took to start showing more affection, and it has been successful. I"ve dropped the "I"m not completely sure about you yet" business and openly express desire to see her, though again I keep it in check.

Difficulties: **(from above) I struggle w/ staying 1 step behind usually because I can be kinda a-personal sometimes and girls are usually afraid of putting themselves out there to me. I"ve known of a couple occasions where I later find out through a friend that a girl really liked me, and I had no idea b/c she kept it hidden, whereas with most other guys girls don"t seem quite as reserved. So often I"m forced to make a guess at her interest level and, rather than strictly playing it cool and letting the girl escalate, escalate myself. Otherwise the girl gets the idea that I"m not interested and gives up. Fortunately in this situation, the option to leave a complicated text in another language kinda took the heat off her, since I was not likely to understand it. It was pretty smart really, because if I wasn"t interested I probably wouldn"t have bothered to go get the text translated and therefore would have never been turned off by her trying to escalate things. But my interest in her motivated me to go out of my way to ask my coteacher what the text meant. Haha, maybe she read that technique on "FOH: The Guys who broke your heart" thread.

I can"t tell if it"s because I"m not taking an intercultural relationship seriously or because I"m jaded by the past 3 years" dealing with girls I didn"t like that much, but I noticed that I"m almost expecting it to die off on some random day inexplicably. Like, she"s gonna do something to fight for power (e.g. cancel repeatedly on me) or suddenly become distant without explanation, or something else weird. That"s all happened to me in the past from girls with whom I could see it ahead of time, but I think reading this thread has made me just assume it"ll happen from any girl. Ronaan and Eomer talking about theirs just inexplicably pulling back, that sort of thing. But by every other account and everything I know, I shouldn"t expect it. And my ability to see that sort of thing in advance is good. Still, I find myself expecting some shitty ending anyway.

Sometimes ignorance IS bliss. I never thought about that shit when I was 21 and in a perfect relationship. Now it"s like if that were to happen again I"d be unable to enjoy it because I"d assume the worst would happen.

Just a small update:

- things are going well with Annie. Turns out we"re both the cuddly type and hang out a lot. No problems in sight.

- my best buddy"s gf is celebrating her birthday after work today. she told me on friday that if I bring annie along, my ex won"t come (don"t know why she would visit her anyway but she"s crazy, whatever). I tell her that I"ll bring annie and expect everything to be settled. this morning i get a txt from my ex basically telling me that she would have loved to come but doesn"t want to stand in the way of our fresh love. sounds ok at first sight but looks more like a snide remark after reading it a 2nd time. I have no idea what business she has with my best buddy"s gf anyway. she showed up at her place a few weeks ago and it looks like she"s trying to befriend her, for whatever reason.

what a stupid cunt. she could have just not come, and been silent about it. does she expect me to fall on my knees in front of her and shower her in rose petals as a sign of gratitude for not showing up?

god we"re going to get a few good laughs out of that act later tonight...

Nice guys do not finish last at all. I"m nice and I get tons of chicks. it"s simple

Be romantic, witty, funny, confident, and throw nice into the mix and girls literally melt in your hands. Dress nice, smile a lot, and flirt.

Saying nice guys finish last is such a copout. Step your game up geezus.

It"s actually true to an extent, you cant immerse yourself in being an asshole, because no one likes a complete asshole, but being completely accessible and overly nice will get you in last place I.E. Alone.

Not going to pretend like I can read the minds of women and everyone of them are the same, but from what I"ve seen and experienced. Too much asshole, drives them away. Too much nice, bores them. So basically if you, as Tyen would say: Slay dragons, but don"t let them know about it, it works out really well, because it makes it seem like you"re busy doing important stuff but in-fact you"re just a fat smelly nerd.

Since my ex had her implants, we have had sex a couple of times. I know I was too clingy. Not being around her means I see my son less and now that she (maybe) lowered my visitation days, I will see him even less.

Last Weds, I was talking to her and mentioned that I would think it would be best if we took a break from each other. She agreed and I havent talked to her since then. Well, until yesterday.

I sent her a text- I asked about my son. Asked how she was doing (She had to have one of the implants redone because she had bleeding on the implant). I asked what was going on in Big brother, since I havent seen it in a week. She told me. I told her good night and left it at that.

This morning, I woke up to a message from her asking if I wanted my son for my birthday. I had already made plans with some friends, so i couldnt. i told her we could hang out soon and she said "Not now. I cant take it" (The last few weeks, I had been back and forth- Hanging out and nice and then telling her that I didnt want to hang out. I was having a really hard time because I wanted to do the right thing, but I also wanted to see her and my son. Ultimately, I had NO IDEA what to do). I told her that was fine and that I still wanted to see my son 3 days a week and that i wouldnt settle for less. She hasnt responded.

I guess my reason for posting is because:

1) I want to be better. I want my visits with the therapist to actually be progress. I will be going back.

2) Life goes on. it doesnt matter what happens to me, i still wake up in the morning. I still have to put on my shoes. I still have to answer to my boss. The key things dont change.

I am going to focus on the things that wont change or that i can change.




I really cant wait untilWhere The Wild Things Arecomes out. It seriously makes me tear up because I enjoyed that book so much as a kid and I am absolutely thrilled to take my son to go see it. I truly hope that book (and movie) have the same impact on his life as the book did for me. Thats probably one of the most exciting things that is about to happen for me.

EDIT-- I guess I should throw in that a friend of mine and myself made a game for Bulletinboards back right before the internet was big. We never finished it, but still had a lot of the code (which is useless now) and math on how it would work. Anyways, in 2005, we decided to make it a text based browser game. Worked on it for a little while, but we never finished. Again.

Well, now we have really picked back up on it in the last month or so, but decided to make it an animated flash based game. This has been taking a lot of thought and free time, so it has actually helped me stay focused on something other than my ex.

Sutekh said:

It"s actually true to an extent, you cant immerse yourself in being an asshole, because no one likes a complete asshole, but being completely accessible and overly nice will get you in last place I.E. Alone.

Not going to pretend like I can read the minds of women and everyone of them are the same, but from what I"ve seen and experienced. Too much asshole, drives them away. Too much nice, bores them. So basically if you, as Tyen would say: Slay dragons, but don"t let them know about it, it works out really well, because it makes it seem like you"re busy doing important stuff but in-fact you"re just a fat smelly nerd.

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I think the primary reason why different dudes of differing degrees of niceness have such varying experiences is because it"s not how nice you are that girls respond to, it"s confidence. The key is being natural and comfortable with yourself - if you"re a nice guy, don"t force yourself to be an asshole, and vice versa. In either case you just come off like a tool.

I"m very polite around women, and I"d call myself a "nice guy," and I"m pretty pleased about my success with girls. I"ve been with some girls who definitely wanted more of an asshole type, and I learned my lesson to just let them go because the goal is to be happy and you can"t achieve that with someone who you don"t click with.

The one pitfall you have to avoid with being a nice dude is that you can"t ever let yourself think that your being nice means you deserve something in return. If the girl responds to your kind attitude, then be happy with that, but too many times being nice is just a method of manipulation.