Girls who broke your heart thread

Vim said:

Two questions:

• Would you rather be in a relationship where you both love, understand and desire each other, but had the personal experience to prove or sustain this or would you rather be in the same relationship and never have that personal "testing" experience?

(For example: You"ve been dating for awhile 2 years-ish, take a mutual break from each other... A few years later, get back together and live "happily ever after"...)

or

(You"ve been dating for x amount of time, and blindly, tell yourself things that reaffirm your unexperienced emotion, and stay together for as long as you can...)

• If I can see myself with someone for a long time, 10-20+ years or indefinitely, is it wrong to make sure you get all the "instinctual" emotions out of your system (for both persons if necesary) before you decide to make such a long term commitment?

P.S. My partner is much younger than me and even though I am 5 years older, I still feel I need to let some "demons" out because of my lack of personal experience.

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Name one "instictual emotion" you want to get rid of.

If you"re talking about fucking a hot stupid broad that you have nothing in common with in order to some how suck out of your head the desire to fuck other vapid women you run into later on in your life... that"s exactly not how it works.

@Saladus Actually the phrase "If you love her let her go and if she loves you she will come back" is true but most men wait to long to let them go or artificially extend it when things start going downhill and letting it drag on.

I"ve been through this in both ways but an example to you is: What do asshole Alpha males do to women that makes them come back? They dump THEM. Usually in a non-chalant "Oh sorry it"s me not you, love you babe bye" kind of simple statement.

No explanations, no real apologies, no real sorrow in their voice, no real concern for her feelings, and what does she do? Cuss him out to every male friend she sees while writing him a dozen letters detailing her love for him.

Now you want to know when your relationship has gone on to long? If she stops talking to you, stops wanting to hang out, stops wanting to put out or shows any signs of getting bored with the relationship then don"t try to work things out. Just dump her. IMMEDIATELY. Like on the spot right then and there. Now this is REALLY BAD advice if you are in a marriage but if this is just some 6-9 month chick you have been dating just dump her and walk away.

You"ll be having rabid animal sex with her that weekend when she calls you for the 50th time and you say "Ok fine come over"

Also note that the above advice is for dating dependent women (i.e. 90% of them) not independent women.

Sharmai said:

@Saladus Actually the phrase "If you love her let her go and if she loves you she will come back" is true but most men wait to long to let them go or the relationship is already been dead for months and you to have been pretending it"s still going on.

I"ve been through this in both ways but an example to you is what do asshole Alpha males do to women that makes them come back? They dump THEM. Usually in a non-chalant "Oh sorry it"s me not you, love you babe bye" kind of simple statement.

No explanations, no real apologies, no real sorrow in their voice, no real concern for hear feelings, and what does she do? Cuss him out to every male friend she sees why writing him a dozen letters detailing her love for him.


Now you want to know when your relationship has gone on to long? If she stops talking to you, stops wanting to hang out, stops wanting to put out or shows any signs of getting bored with the relationship then don"t try to work things out. Just dump her. Now this is REALLY BAD advice if you are in a marriage but if this is just some 6-9 month chick you have been dating just dump her immediately (like on the spot) and walk away.

You"ll be having rabid animal sex with her that weekend when she calls you for the 50th time and you say "Ok fine come over"

Also note that the above advice is for dating dependent women (i.e. 90% of them) not independent women.

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Maybe "women" is not the correct word to use. I think all of your advice applies to when boys date girls, not so much when men date women. If you break up with a woman because the relationship isn"t working, you will both move on.

In all honesty, if you are in the type of situation where dumping a person will strengthen their feelings for you, that person has confidence issues. Also, if you play that game because it"s your goal to be with someone like that, you may have some yourself.

I should add that I don"t use the term "girls" to imply age, but mentality. I live in Miami and there are a lot of 35 year-old girls walking around these parts.

Wow, way to jump the gun(Rune, fuck you and your stupid prejudice, you uncultivated bastard). Sadly, I am not surprised.

Instinctual emotions referred to making friends, travelling the world, possibly moving to another country to find "a better life", alone time, personal space, etc.

I am really social person and I make it a personal mission to put myself second and them first, nothing sexual about it, at least not when I am already in a relationship. My partner, being younger isn"t so quick to make friends and/or socialize like I do. I also like to listen to other people problems and try to give them advice, she sometimes gets bothered by this. For example, I"ve become better friends with her friends girlfriends, and even some gay guy friends too, than she has.

Second, my education comes first, and right now I going for another bachelors and quite possibly a masters. Even before I met her I"ve said that I am not interested in fully committing to anything till I have this sorted out... Same thing goes to possible immigration to another country be it work related or personally motivated.

Lastly, even though I am very social, I also like to be alone for extended periods of time, this, sometimes bothers her as well.

Reason I really asked this is because I would love to have the one life partner situation in my life, but it seems from other peoples personal experience... The least successful marriages and commitments, including of various family members and especially close friends, seem to be from people who followed blindly silly myths about how telling yourself irrational reasons for something that isn"t from personal experience. Yes, there are successful, relationships that work this way, but still everyone has doubts and everyone questions themselves. If you tell me you don"t or you aren"t supposed to, fuck you, and stop posting because you know nothing.

My parents have been together for 35-40 years and before they got married (not a big fan of marriage) they broke up, took sometime apart, got back together; at least 3 times. They did see other people, but it wasn"t their reason, but they always tell me it reinforced the feelings they had for each other. I can mention at least another 10 cases like this.

However, I look at the divorced family members, divorced friends, lonesome family members and friends (which obviously outnumber the succesful ones), and the pattern seems clear. Relationships that were based on lack of experience, were based on the fairy tale story, getting married because of family, social and sometimes religious pressure; failed miserably. Obviously, this isn"t a rule, but it makes the most sense. Shit, one of my friends parents were together 26 years before they got married, they lasted 1 year married, explain...

Thats not the point though, fuck I even forgot why I wrote all this.

EDIT:

@Saladus Actually the phrase "If you love her let her go and if she loves you she will come back" is true but most men wait to long to let them go or artificially extend it when things start going downhill and letting it drag on.

I"ve been through this in both ways but an example to you is: What do asshole Alpha males do to women that makes them come back? They dump THEM. Usually in a non-chalant "Oh sorry it"s me not you, love you babe bye" kind of simple statement.

No explanations, no real apologies, no real sorrow in their voice, no real concern for her feelings, and what does she do? Cuss him out to every male friend she sees while writing him a dozen letters detailing her love for him.

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Some of the "males" with successful relationships or marriages that I"ve talked to (including my father and my fathers friends) have sort of confessed to acting like this in an indirect or direct way. Adding more fuel to my reasoning behind my questioning.

@Turkish Well you are right about it being girls but the advice .does work well into your 20"s but not if you are seeking a long term relationship.

Honestly if you are with a girl who still has this kind of mentality then shes not grown up enough to be worth marrying (my opinion). Enjoy the fun while you are young but when you hit 24-27 start looking for women who know how to keep a relationship working.

Almost seems like you answered your own question, Vim.

Education coming first is wise, and if you told her upfront (and she understood you) that you can"t make a full commitment without sorting your shit out then you covered your bases here.

Being better friends than she is with her own friends can be pretty tricky and generally I"d advise against it. She"s going to be bothered by friends that werehersnow becoming friends that areyours. Generally that"s how it works. For one thing, if you guys do break up now she has to worry about if her friends are still going to be her friends, or if they will side with you in a break-up. It"s like a (very minor) form of custody.

As far as extroverts vs. introverts, I think everyone covered that early on in the thread. She shouldn"t be bothered by your need to spend time by yourself, so long as she feels included/needed/wanted/whatever otherwise.

How long have you been in this relationship? As far as doubts and questions go, I feel many people outgrow them as their comfort and confidence in their relationship grows. I had a ton of doubts at first but now as my relationship is going on four years (not a lot compared to many) they mostly don"t surface anymore. Not saying to ignore these though. If your doubts and questions really are serious, it could be your brain trying to tell you something.

I"m bored as hell so, sorry for the length.

Meanwhile...

I occasionally peruse the listings on Match.com and PoF...and, I don"t know, but most of the intros these women put up makes one feel completely inadequate.

I admit I have confidence issues... but I"m not sure the reason I feel this way is due to that or because these people have expectations that are complete fantasy.

Vim said:

Wow, way to jump the gun(Rune, fuck you and your stupid prejudice, you uncultivated bastard). Sadly, I am not surprised.

Instinctual emotions referred to making friends, travelling the world, possibly moving to another country to find "a better life", alone time, personal space, etc.

I am really social person and I make it a personal mission to put myself second and them first, nothing sexual about it, at least not when I am already in a relationship. My partner, being younger isn"t so quick to make friends and/or socialize like I do. I also like to listen to other people problems and try to give them advice, she sometimes gets bothered by this. For example, I"ve become better friends with her friends girlfriends, and even some gay guy friends too, than she has.

Second, my education comes first, and right now I going for another bachelors and quite possibly a masters. Even before I met her I"ve said that I am not interested in fully committing to anything till I have this sorted out... Same thing goes to possible immigration to another country be it work related or personally motivated.

Lastly, even though I am very social, I also like to be alone for extended periods of time, this, sometimes bothers her as well.

Reason I really asked this is because I would love to have the one life partner situation in my life, but it seems from other peoples personal experience... The least successful marriages and commitments, including of various family members and especially close friends, seem to be from people who followed blindly silly myths about how telling yourself irrational reasons for something that isn"t from personal experience. Yes, there are successful, relationships that work this way, but still everyone has doubts and everyone questions themselves. If you tell me you don"t or you aren"t supposed to, fuck you, and stop posting because you know nothing.

My parents have been together for 35-40 years and before they got married (not a big fan of marriage) they broke up, took sometime apart, got back together; at least 3 times. They did see other people, but it wasn"t their reason, but they always tell me it reinforced the feelings they had for each other. I can mention at least another 10 cases like this.

However, I look at the divorced family members, divorced friends, lonesome family members and friends (which obviously outnumber the succesful ones), and the pattern seems clear. Relationships that were based on lack of experience, were based on the fairy tale story, getting married because of family, social and sometimes religious pressure; failed miserably. Obviously, this isn"t a rule, but it makes the most sense. Shit, one of my friends parents were together 26 years before they got married, they lasted 1 year married, explain...

Thats not the point though, fuck I even forgot why I wrote all this.

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It seems like your biggest concern is being tied down by her. If that is the case, no matter what happens you are going to blame her. Even if the only reason you don"t do something is because you"re a lazy shit head rather than because of being in a relationship, you would still blame her. That is not an attempt to imply anything about you personally. It"s just how many people end up resenting their partner for shit that was never their fault, but they rationalize it by inventing ideal scenarios that would have happened if they were single. Maybe you are putting the horse before the carriage. Maybe you are way too idealistic with your future plans. Maybe you are trying to break things off early so that you keep yourself from getting into the far off, and still very hypothetical, situation of resenting her because you feel like she kept you from what you wanted to do with your life. Either way, I think these questions are all way too personal to find answers to on a message board.

lol @ rune"s massive rant onm Vim with very little context. But yea, being that vague Vim, I had the same impression that you meant fucking around with hotties.

Honestly, it sounds like you"re viewing the relationship possibilities too negatively, or maybe even too cautiously. I wouldn"t just follow other people"s advice to "get life experiences" or whatever away from your partner just so you won"t end up like them. Often when people say they lacked experience before marriage, it equates to not enough time with each other to figure each other out before actually getting married.

I"m still a little confused overall as to what .... the issue is. If the relationship is strong enough, either partner should be able to explore and pursue what life goals they want, and the other will support them (within reason). If you"re looking to just randomly travel the world and do spontaneous shit, well, maybe you shouldn"t be in a relationship right now. Honestly though I"m still a little confused.

True enough. Thanks for the contributions.

The relationship is strong and I guess that scares me a bit.

@Lefazz Their expectations are complete fantasy. What most women on dating sites say they are looking for usually have no resemblance to what they truly want

For example most women say they want a guy who is "In shape" or "Fit". What this actually means is "How well do you carry your weight and are you not reasonably out of shape?"

Dress well, take daily or twice daily showers, USE COLOGNE, deodorant, brush those teeth and if you have gaps go get them fixed at the dentist, get a haircut. That kind of thing.

When you go out on a date you have clean ironed clothes on, they fit well, you don"t slouch, you look her in the eyes, you smile, you talk about every random thing you can think of (Note if women are interested in you then you can talk about almost anything and if they don"t want to hear it they will tell you. If they aren"t interested in what you are saying then they probably aren"t interested in you anyway)

A women says "I want a guy with personality". What she means is "TALK IDIOT". Don"t think about what to say just start talking. Start off with your day if you need a place to start and just keep going. Don"t worry if it"s boring or not just do it. If shes interested she will cut in and ask questions or laugh or whatever and if not then it"s probably not going to work anyway so enjoy the meal and cut your losses.

You prefer large blocks of quotes? Yea, no..

Sharmai said:

You prefer large blocks of quotes? Yea, no..

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o/\o

Come @ me bro

To all the guys on dating sites, remember.

My girl and I had our first argument last night, and I can"t really tell how bad it is. The gist of it is that we were at dinner, she pinched me (I realize it sounds trivial, but this was hard enough to bruise on that nerve cluster-like area on the back of the arm) and I got mad enough to lose my temper. I reached around to her shoulder and pulled her to me so I could keep my voice low and avoid a scene while I told her to knock it the fuck off. That made me the bad guy apparently, and now she"s livid while I"m over what was a relatively small matter.

Now, I"m not an angry guy. I"m exceedingly patient, but every man has his limits. She knows what buttons to press that genuinely annoy me, and she gets a kick out of doing it like a lot of women do. There"s a short list of things that just piss me off, and I"ve never gotten mad enough to get in her face about any of them, but believe it or not that shithurt, and it was for no reason at all.

She wouldn"t really talk to me, and kept saying "don"t ever grab me like that again" etc. I was at a table of 20 people, with folks sitting across from us two feet away. I"m pretty sure if I"d done anything even remotely violent I"d have been picking my teeth off the floor, but she makes it sound like I shook her around or something when all I was trying to was pull her close to keep my voice low.

It just seems like such a mountain out of a molehill. I apologized for snapping at her, but she doesn"t think she did anything wrong at all. This is really one of those scenarios where we both did something we shouldn"t, and that"s that. I"m not going to keep saying sorry when I"m the one with a damn bruise. I dunno if she"s lashing out because she"s never seen me get mad before or what. We went home separately as planned, and are supposed to talk later today.

You sound like the douchebag in that scenario. She is probably trying to figure out if she is going to stay with you and your inevitable rage beating, surprised you did not try to drown her in her soup.

Does this happen a lot? Could you have just smiled with a "Heyyyy.." cheesey grin and then brought it up in private later? Some people really freak out when grabbed like that in public, she may think her friends saw her and that she is in some bad thing to them.

Heylel Teomim said:

My girl and I had our first argument last night, and I can"t really tell how bad it is. The gist of it is that we were at dinner, she pinched me (I realize it sounds trivial, but this was hard enough to bruise on that nerve cluster-like area on the back of the arm) and I got mad enough to lose my temper. I reached around to her shoulder and pulled her to me so I could keep my voice low and avoid a scene while I told her to knock it the fuck off. That made me the bad guy apparently, and now she"s livid while I"m over what was a relatively small matter.

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LMAO a fuckingwomanpinchedyou and you went off the handle? OMGLOLBBQ

Yeah, I realize it sounds silly. Now go have one of your friends dig her nails into those nerves in the back of your arm while you aren"t looking. It hurt, and I snapped at her. End of story, aside from her wigging out.

Jalynfane said:

Does this happen a lot? Could you have just smiled with a "Heyyyy.." cheesey grin and then brought it up in private later? Some people really freak out when grabbed like that in public, she may think her friends saw her and that she is in some bad thing to them.

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Does what happen, me getting upset? No, it doesn"t. There was nothing violent about it. I put an arm around her shoulder and leaned into her ear, that"s it. I could have just as easily been leaning in to kiss her had I not been upset.

I"m pretty sure half the problem is that Idon"tever get mad. She pushes buttons and I just deal with it. I finally just sorta hit my limit.