So I heard a buddy was back in town, haven"t talked to him in over 2 years, had to find his email/contact info so I logged into an email account I haven"t in years, found this, thought I would share. Girl I loved to death but had to walk away from because she was perfect when we were private, but always stood by her friends before me. Eventually, I had enough. We eventually got back together later, after she curbed the shit, but having a girl you love completely tell you "If my friends ask, we"re just friends" is a bitch.
Nostalgia is a fucking bitch.
"If this doesn"t read as coherent as usual, I"ll preface this e-mail by telling you that I am extremely hung over. Much like anything else I"ve said, I don"t expect this to make any difference to you. Despite that, I think that what I have to say is important for you to hear if only for the validation of your own feelings. I"m going to give you a background story, it may seem inconsequential, but it"s getting to a very important epiphany I had. Last night I went to NCOD, I was in the parking lot of the Freezone and I started talking to a guy (he was a straight friend of the guy Josh likes).
He was tall, thin, goatee, glasses, tattoos. We weren"t chatting about anything particularly important, but then I realized why I was talking to him in the first place. Clearly, he reminded me of you (everything these days does). It"s kind of sad, I"m even talking to spin offs in an effort to feel closer to you (pathetic). So I get pulled aside by Josh. He wanted to know if I was hitting on him, cuz he was tradgic. I went the fuck off on him. I told him that I missed you and I hadn"t been able to allow myself to be close to anyone since we broke up. Every person on this planet is just a breathing walking talking substitute for you. I told him that he can think I"m stupid, he can not get it, it"s not his job and that if he were really my FRIEND he would support me in my relationships and what makes me happy. Then I basically went on a rant about everything you were saying to me last Sunday (with regards to me and my friends and how you were treated).
I"ve stood up to Josh before with regards to you, but I can now see that I should have done it much sooner. You were my boyfriend/fiance" and I loved you, I was wrong for standing there and allowing what I allowed to happen to you. I did stand up for you, but not everytime and I didn"t do it in your presence. I"m sorry. It"s shitty of me. I gave my friends more courtsey than I gave the man I loved. I never intended to hurt you, I just didn"t realize until last night that you were right. I had to see it myself. I feel that you hold me responsible for things (with regards to my friends) that were not under my control.
I can not control someone elses mouth, I can not control when you were and were not invited somewhere. That being said, if you were not invited, I should have put up more of a fight. It should have been we did not go, not you did not go. I didn"t want to go off on my friends, I still don"t think that it was fair for you to basically ask me to choose, but if it makes any difference to you, if that choice were mine, I"d choose you now. I don"t feel like I understand that it was a choice I made before (in the smaller sense) everytime I choose to go somewhere without you.
I didn"t realize that maybe I did abandon you at the parties because if it were me, I"d feel really shitty if someone did that to me. In my own defense, I thought that if we were that strong of a couple (like not just dating) that we could survive at the same party and have fun independantly, then go home together. It was wrong, I"m sorry for not seeing it sooner. I loved you very much, I"m sorry I didn"t act like it sometimes."
