How do you deal with someone's suicide?
- Thread starter Rajaah
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CaughtCross
Vyemm Raider
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A friend of a friend, who I knew from parties and gatherings committed suicide in May 2021. Every time I saw him he was very upbeat and happy so I had no idea but he had a lot of depression and alcohol issues. He had a one year old daughter with his wife and during covid with everything closed he started drinking harder. She got fed up and kicked him out of the house due to it. So since he was even more sad and alone he just kept drinking more and more till he shot himself. Similar situation in that the covid response of everything being closed and not being able to see people definitely contributed to his problems and suicide.
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moonarchia
The Scientific Shitlord
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All of that reads like you trying to find anyone to blame but the one person who was actually 100% responsible for this, your ex. Was she or was she not an actual adult? If she was, then this all falls on her. Every last iota of it. It doesn't matter how shitty your life is, it is your life. You deal with it or you don't.
Hopefully you can figure out how to forgive her for what she did. You aren't going to find closure until you face the truth. The reasons really don't matter at this point, she did this to herself. It sucks. It's a totally 100% selfish and shitty thing to do to everyone who cared about her, but it is done. It really is not your fault, at all. You can only live your own life, and we all get the one go at it. We all have hurts and pains and trials and tribulations. But we all also have joy and beauty and wonder as well.
I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm sorry your ex couldn't deal with her shit. Not everyone can, and that's on them. Playing what ifs isn't going to do you any good. You lived your life within the limits and knowledge you had. That's all any of us can do.
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Gavinmad
Mr. Poopybutthole
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If she was so fucking worried about her parents she could have murdered the boyfriend instead of killing herself.
Sounds like her parents are cowardly trash who failed their daughter on multiple levels.
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Burren
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There's definitely some hard truths you're finding out and will continue to come across, when dealing with this. Everyone has already offered good advice. The last thing I'll add is: continue to talk it through and process. It can be here, it can be with personal friends, or a therapist. Doesn't matter, just keep processing and talking and don't let it fester. You'll come out better in the end.
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not your fault brother, we all wish we had more time when things like this happen we cant get it back just like we cant change what we didnt do during those times like others have said alot of suicidal people dont let off for one reason or another.
i just lost one of my best friends since middle school, i was out of touch with him the last 3-4 years i moved out of state we still talked but i was 12 hours away we were like brothers when i was growing up in my hometown always over eachother houses doors just open you walk in that type of trust his family was like my second family and vice versa with him and mine there was a decent group of us and we all stayed close, i had gotten the most distant though when i moved to maine i got super busy in a relationship with a chick who had a kid so i wasnt having as much free time to really sit down n game my priorities changed and we somewhat lost touch. I ended up moving back and we hung out everything seemed good but that was the last time i seen him was in 2021, i found out my dad had cancer shortly after moving back to my hometown and it wasnt just cancer he had alot going on and i lost him quick and unexpectedly. When he passed i began to isolate and not reach out too anyone i wanna say no less than 6 months after my dad passing i get a message on FB telling me my buddy jake is gone
so almost instantly my heart sinks and falls through my asshole, i ask what happened and there wasnt much to go off at the start because he was found in PERU.... mind you we are from the east coast me and his family... so all the family knew was he got up one morning left to go down to florida to dog sit for his cousin because i guess he had done that before so nobody thought nothing of it. i cant remember every detail his little brother told me at the funeral but he was in contact with his family on his phone pretty much until peru, then iirc the family couldeent get in touch with him anymore including my friends all trying to text him.
within the next 3 days the peruvian police called and said they found his car at the airport idk how they figured out what hotel he was at or whatever but they found him there dead with a bunch of prescription pill bottles around him with foam coming out the sides of his mouth he was 37 years old man.
and my other friends had no clue he felt this way, there is a group of about 8 of us weve all known eachother from middle-highschool so i asked one of them about jake did he mention he was depressed, did he start isolating or withdrawing himself from activities with you guys?
they said he was a little depressed but not suicidal he said he wasnt isolating 2 weeks before he flew to peru and killed himself he was still going to my friends birthday BBQs and living his normal everyday life going to work, he didnt withdraw a shit load of money his brothers said he had close to 75k in the bank, all he did was rent a car to drive to the airport and rent one over there i guess.
so yeah sorry for that long winded post but my entire friend group has all been kicking themselves in the dicks pretty hard because they all saw him, and they all just wish the same things wish they hung out with him one more time, got that chance to really have a serious talk to see if he was ok, and im on the outside feeling my own shame for not reaching out despite what i was going through, but i cant compare my grief to my friends they def have it worse this time with jake.
You honestly never know when someone is gonna get fed up with the pain they endure everyday and finally say fuck it only because they want some semblance of Rest/peace/happiness... and not to cease to exist, but i am pretty sure death is as peaceful as it gets.... now the way you die there isnt too many nice ways to die i think that is scarier than the actual being dead part
i just lost one of my best friends since middle school, i was out of touch with him the last 3-4 years i moved out of state we still talked but i was 12 hours away we were like brothers when i was growing up in my hometown always over eachother houses doors just open you walk in that type of trust his family was like my second family and vice versa with him and mine there was a decent group of us and we all stayed close, i had gotten the most distant though when i moved to maine i got super busy in a relationship with a chick who had a kid so i wasnt having as much free time to really sit down n game my priorities changed and we somewhat lost touch. I ended up moving back and we hung out everything seemed good but that was the last time i seen him was in 2021, i found out my dad had cancer shortly after moving back to my hometown and it wasnt just cancer he had alot going on and i lost him quick and unexpectedly. When he passed i began to isolate and not reach out too anyone i wanna say no less than 6 months after my dad passing i get a message on FB telling me my buddy jake is gone
so almost instantly my heart sinks and falls through my asshole, i ask what happened and there wasnt much to go off at the start because he was found in PERU.... mind you we are from the east coast me and his family... so all the family knew was he got up one morning left to go down to florida to dog sit for his cousin because i guess he had done that before so nobody thought nothing of it. i cant remember every detail his little brother told me at the funeral but he was in contact with his family on his phone pretty much until peru, then iirc the family couldeent get in touch with him anymore including my friends all trying to text him.
within the next 3 days the peruvian police called and said they found his car at the airport idk how they figured out what hotel he was at or whatever but they found him there dead with a bunch of prescription pill bottles around him with foam coming out the sides of his mouth he was 37 years old man.
and my other friends had no clue he felt this way, there is a group of about 8 of us weve all known eachother from middle-highschool so i asked one of them about jake did he mention he was depressed, did he start isolating or withdrawing himself from activities with you guys?
they said he was a little depressed but not suicidal he said he wasnt isolating 2 weeks before he flew to peru and killed himself he was still going to my friends birthday BBQs and living his normal everyday life going to work, he didnt withdraw a shit load of money his brothers said he had close to 75k in the bank, all he did was rent a car to drive to the airport and rent one over there i guess.
so yeah sorry for that long winded post but my entire friend group has all been kicking themselves in the dicks pretty hard because they all saw him, and they all just wish the same things wish they hung out with him one more time, got that chance to really have a serious talk to see if he was ok, and im on the outside feeling my own shame for not reaching out despite what i was going through, but i cant compare my grief to my friends they def have it worse this time with jake.
You honestly never know when someone is gonna get fed up with the pain they endure everyday and finally say fuck it only because they want some semblance of Rest/peace/happiness... and not to cease to exist, but i am pretty sure death is as peaceful as it gets.... now the way you die there isnt too many nice ways to die i think that is scarier than the actual being dead part
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Rajaah
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Yeah I've started blaming her a lot more lately. Said a few "fuck yous" to the air today for her.
Yep. And that gets worse too. The guy started a gofundme for her funeral expenses, then...didn't have a funeral. So he collected like $8000 and nobody knows where all of it went.
Her fucking mom is just sort of letting this happen passively (just like she let everything else happen passively) and "letting him decide" what to do. She seems like she's on another planet lately and I wouldn't be surprised if she goes soon too.
So a few friends of hers are messaging the guy asking why he isn't having a funeral and he gives them all this TOTAL BULLSHIT about how "it isn't what she'd want" and he's "still trying to figure it out" and "maybe in the late spring we'll have a service of some sort but no headstone or burial". He's had six weeks to figure it out, and she told people numerous times that she expected to die young due to her mental illnesses and really hoped she'd have a nice funeral with a lot of people there. Told me that a bunch of times, even made me "promise to be there even if we haven't talked for a while". Which I did promise. Now I can't keep that promise because of this dude.
Also found out this guy also ran up his wife's credit card debt (they had shared cards) by buying a bunch of frivolous shit without consulting her, like a motorcycle. He spent between $20k and $30k on a bunch of shit and by all accounts most of it was a surprise to her. Being saddled with a bunch of this guy's debt added to her depression.
So this butt-fucker who can't handle money at all just had a gofundme and nobody knows what happened to the money. What a surprise.
A bunch of her friends are asking me to organize an actual funeral for her and they'll all pitch in. However we'd only raise a portion of what the gofundme raised (since most of her friends already pitched in what they could to that) AND we don't have her ashes (yeah, he got her cremated because he was taking too goddamn long to figure out whether or not to have a funeral for her body). So I could organize a funeral, but I don't know if it'd mean that much when it doesn't actually have her body.
Doing my best to not go and murder that piece of shit because I'm not that far off from it. I'll say this, if I end up getting a terminal illness and don't have to worry about prison time, he better move to Argentina.
I don't know exactly where he lives, just the town. Could find out, but I intentionally haven't to keep a gulf of space between me and him. At the very least I'm gonna report all this shit he pulled to the authorities. Though I assume he'll just say he's "working on it" and weave his bullshit-web to them to keep them off his back until everyone forgets about it and he can abscond with the funds.
Hoping he'll prove me entirely wrong and come through with a funeral and a nice service for her with a headstone and burying some of the ashes and everything that should happen, but I've got no indication he'll do that or is anything other than a useless piece of shit.
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moonarchia
The Scientific Shitlord
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Funerals aren't about the dead person, so whether the body is there or not is immaterial. If it helps you and her friends find closure then do it. Or hold a wake. Or whatever. Just gather and share each others' company and reminisce together for what might be the last time.
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Gavinmad
Mr. Poopybutthole
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Or maybe they could all beat his ass and then alibi one another.
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moonarchia
The Scientific Shitlord
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Hateyou
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I don’t think that planning to confront or beat someone up that is a druggy/alcoholic with a lot of guns would accomplish anything good for anyone, as much as everyone wants to. Don’t do this.
What you do is find out everything about him and ruin his life in small ways for a few years. Get him fire. Slash his tires when he gets groceries. Get his next girlfriend to cheat on him with a huge black guy. Get creative and put some real effort and have fun with it. (This was tongue in cheek, I wouldn’t really do this either. Well maybe a little.)
What you do is find out everything about him and ruin his life in small ways for a few years. Get him fire. Slash his tires when he gets groceries. Get his next girlfriend to cheat on him with a huge black guy. Get creative and put some real effort and have fun with it. (This was tongue in cheek, I wouldn’t really do this either. Well maybe a little.)
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Grizzlebeard
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Speaking as someone who lost an ex-partner and very close friend back on 2nd January 1997 I can safely say you don't get over something like this. The pain gets muted as time passes but you don't want it to go away.
It's also entirely natural to question whether you could have done more or to start reassessing conversations you had in case you missed cries for help.
It fucking sucks and I'm sorry for your loss.
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pharmakos
soʞɐɯɹɐɥd
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Most of my adult life I have made a point of befriending drug users, poor people, mentally ill people, etc.... Can't even count the number of friends I've lost to suicide on both hands at this point. Might be able to count them if I used toes too but I really don't want to build that list. =\
It only gets easier if you get numb. And being numb isn't the solution.
Some pain you keep forever.
It only gets easier if you get numb. And being numb isn't the solution.
Some pain you keep forever.
Hateyou
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After dealing with these types in my earlier years in life I’ve made it a point to avoid them later in life. Avoids all the inevitable problems that befriending someone like that brings. Drama, bad memories, thefts, problems, deaths. Why bring that upon yourself?
pharmakos
soʞɐɯɹɐɥd
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pharmakos
soʞɐɯɹɐɥd
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The Golden Rule is about more than what you want people to NOT do...
I've been fucked over a few times. But only a fraction of such friends I've made have done that.