I think I might have been abused as a kid. How do I find out?

Rajaah said:

So this is pretty weird. Lately, as in like, the last few months, I've been remembering stuff about my early childhood that I -completely- forgot about until now. I'm talking age 1-3 range, things like breastfeeding, and seeing a birthday cake for the first time, and pretending to cook by waving a plastic plate around in a high-chair. I mean these are things I had ZERO recollection of pretty much from probably age 5 or so until this year.

Thing is, growing up, I had a ton of behavioral issues, and made everyone miserable. I was pretty angry/resentful for no apparent reason, and TBH I still have a lot of those elements in my personality and they still cause me issues from time to time. Nobody could ever explain why I was so angry as a kid, so psychologists tried to rationalize it by blaming various circumstances that I didn't actually care about. For instance, they blamed my fits of anger on a move from one apartment to another, when I didn't care at all about said move. So they really had no clue. I didn't have a clue either.

Now this year, I'm suddenly remembering weird stuff. Like the first time I flew off the handle with an angry fit. I was probably 3 or 4 and I vividly remember screaming at my mom and her referring to it as a "temper tantrum". Actually, hearing those words was what caused this memory to pop up. She was really surprised and embarrassed at my behavior and said I'd never acted like that before. After forgetting about this incident for 30 years I now remember it clear as day. What I also remember is how I felt, like something happened and she wasn't around when it happened and I blamed her for not being around. Like she abandoned me to do something more important and something happened while she was out, and I was too embarrassed to tell her so instead I lashed out. It could have been something as simple as me not knowing where she was and being ignored by a babysitter, I don't know. Problem is, I continued lashing out for years, maybe decades, and it all went back to this weird feeling of being hurt/abandoned or not being important.

Like I said, I don't know if I just freaked out because she was out of the house for an extended amount of time, or if someone watching me did something, or what. That part I don't remember. Whatever occurred before the "temper tantrum" is a total mental block for me. I just remember that first tantrum itself and exactly how I felt.

So how can I figure this out? Hypnosis has been suggested, but I don't know if that'll work, and I'm generally resistant to any sort of psychological push/suggestion. I need to somehow remember what happened, if anything, without getting a "false positive". It could be something as simple as me being angry that my mom wasn't home more often and that I kept having babysitters around instead. I know we've got some smart people here so I'd like to hear any insights or similar experiences.

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Rajaah said:

Thanks for the responses. One thing I don't think I mentioned in the original post is that my behavioral issues had a very sudden onset. It isn't like they were there all along, or gradually got worse over time. According to my mom and other people who remember me that far back, it was more like "from age 1 to 3 you were this incredibly happy child, then one day you just flew off the handle and from then on you were angry and abusive". Like I went from one extreme to the other in one day and then it just never got any better after that. That plus remembering how I felt during said flying off the handle is why I'm finding myself wondering about this stuff.



I don't think I want to have been abused, though it would at least absolve me of some responsibility. It's more like "if I can figure this out, maybe I can stop having deep-seated anger that I can't explain".



Yeah, most likely. I've found a lot of medical professions in general to be quackery, especially the mental health department. They're still making gangbuster money nowadays because it's become so trendy for people to have "mental illness" and "mental health problems" when in reality they're just stressed-out and can't handle responsibility.

From the responses here I'm thinking it might well have been not getting my way on something that caused the issues. I know my mom breastfed me like a year later than she probably should have (because I remember that now and it's a bit WTF). I basically demanded that it continue so it continued. I think that her drawing a line and ending that practice might actually have coincided somewhat with the onset of my rage-bursts. Maybe the underlying issue is that I wanted more boob and I was being told no. I don't know why these behaviors persisted for like 15 years and made everyone miserable, though. Really could have had a much better life if I hadn't had said issues.

Who knows, at this point. I was considering trying hypnosis but at this point I think a psychiatrist is probably just gonna take me for a ride.

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