Holy shit. You and I live in different worlds.
If the money truly means nothing to your finances (in which case, I envy you), I'd tell her "thanks for the memories, debt forgiven" just so you don't have to stay connected with her over what will likely be a long payoff process. But for me, $20k is a shitload.
It's doesn't mean "nothing" to me. That buys a nice motorcycle! But no, it doesn't make any significant difference to my finances or spending. A few years ago it would have been a bigger deal, but my company's had a few pretty good years and I haven't really been spending any of it. I more or less live off my salary (120k/year), with probably 10-20k left over for saving each year. No car payments, mortgage, or any of that shit. I don't have expensive tastes for clothes, my car's 6 years old, etc etc. I don't live cheap or frugal, but I live well within the means provided by my salary. Any profits pulled out of the company go straight in to my various investment accounts. I'm 3-5 years away from being able to walk away and live off the passive income from my investments, if I chose to. Which also ties in with the whole "what the fuck do I want to do with my life going forward?" thing.
In any case, I've already repeatedly told her that she doesn't have to pay me back and that I'm not particularly interested in her mailing me a $250 check every month for the next 6 or 7 years. Every time she's insisted that no, that's not right, it would bother her to have that hanging over her forever, etc etc. Her paying me back is 100% on her. Truth be told, I was snooping around in some of her files that she left on my NAS, and came across her budgeting spreadsheet. I only briefly peeked before I closed it due to guilt, but it looks like she's intending on trying to pay me back $500 or more per month going forward. Given what I know about her finances and expenses, I think that's incredibly unrealistic. If she worked 32 hours a week for a full year, I think she might pull in 50-60k before taxes. But keep in mind that living expenses in Alberta are probably 20-40% more expensive in raw dollar values than they would be in most American cities. And she has to do a two month unpaid practicum this July/August, followed by a 10 month internship that will either be shit pay, or no pay. And there's no guarantee after she's done that, that she can get her job back at the research center.
One thing I was kicking around as a solution would be for her to donate whatever she can reasonably afford to the local autism society, instead of paying me back. That's the field that she's primarily been working for the last few years. She can even do it in my name if she wants and send me the tax receipts once a year. I get some tax credits, she deals with her money guilt, and the society gets some nice donations. Everyone wins! She's going to insist on paying me back directly, though.
Noodlemod_sl said:
You know, $20k almost does sound like she was in it for the money
Trust me bro, she wasn't. On the other hand, if I also added up a reasonable amount of rent and utilities, groceries, dining and so on that she would/should have been paying on her own, it's probably double or triple that. But no, she really wasn't after money. She wouldn't even let me buy her a pair of shoes or some clothes or whatever when we were out shopping.
Tarrant_sl said:
He kept records of it, if he wanted to he could go after her for it if she doesn't pay. Two things with this;
1. It sounds like she will pay, or at least attempt to.
2. If she starts then stops, unless she does something to truly piss Eomer off, I don't see him going after her for it anyway. (not saying that as a knock on you, I just think with your feelings for her and how you seem to talk, you'd be okay with just cutting the loss and moving on)
Oh yeah, I've got a signed promissory note for the car loan, with the car specifically mentioned as collateral. I could have her car repo'd no problem. The other money would be more difficult if I chose to pursue her and she resisted, but there's records of it all. In any case, I'm not going to pursue her and she's probably not going to walk away from it. It just occurred to me that I'm also a co-signer on her car loan, so that could potentially come back to bite me in the ass, but I really, really doubt it. Even if it does, it would only be a few thousand bucks.
Cad_sl said:
I mean ok but who the fuck charges their girlfriend rent.
Cad_sl said:
The idea that someone making as much as me or Eomer is going to split rent with a girlfriend who is a student is just absurd. If the two are kinda on the same playing field or rented the apt together? Maybe... if I invite her to come live with me then start invoicing her 1/2? Yea thats not going to work out and you know it.
I could see it if a couple was living in the guy's place and he had a mortgage, condo fees, and so on and like you said they were in similar financial positions. Whether you call that rent or "sharing expenses" is kind of moot. But no, in our situation it would have made zero sense. But as I said above, it does factor in to the her finances in a big way not having had to pay rent or utilities for 2 years. Conservatively that's $15,000 or more by itself.
Tenks_sl said:
This is going to be a bit harsh but do you think that possibly now that she can make her own money to not live on the streets she doesn't need you?
I don't think that factored in to things for her, but it definitely made her life easier once the decision was made to leave. If this had happened a year ago she'd be in much worse financial shape and would likely have to work shifts waitressing along with her 4 day a week job at the autism research center and her night classes etc to make ends meet. She may still have to do that. But her pay raise this summer after coming back from her practicum was damn near 40% as she changed positions from research assistant to psychometrist.
Noodlemod_sl said:
Maybe he said "hey you wanna move in and split the rent" ?
He may have posted it, I can't remember. Me and the wife got joint accounts early though, but we were mostly on equal pay before I graduated.
The arrangement when she moved in that she suggested was that she would pay for the groceries and take care of cooking, cleaning etc (she insisted that we cancel the house cleaning service). After a few months I started to give her $150/month to help out with groceries. After six months we'd hired a new cleaning service. After a year I'd gotten a secondary Visa on my account so that she could just put the groceries on there, and whatever else she felt comfortable. I never really monitored it closely other than categorizing shit in Quicken. She never did anything silly with the Visa, and the few times she purchased clothes or whatever on it she either paid me back later or added it to the list of what she owed me.
Kirun_sl said:
Eomer, my bro..you dodged a fucking bullet. Psychology majors are fucking insane. They're right up there with teachers and nurses. Any sort of "altruistic" profession attracts the absolute crazies.
Sorry man, but you're just flat out wrong with this chick. She's got a couple odd and large hangups about money, but otherwise she's far and away the most reasonable and rational girl I've ever dated. Everyone that knows her would agree. She's not crazy in the slightest.
Kirun_sl said:
PS. This little stunt of her wanting to "repay" the debt is just a way for her to stay connected/in contact with you. She likely wants to see what other dick she's missing out on for a bit (especially now that it sounds like she's "established" herself and you helped finance it, so she doesn't really need your patronage anymore), but she's going to keep you on the backburner under the facade that she's "repaying" you. Juuuuuuuuust in case she doesn't find a better alternative/gets bored/goes broke/etc. Then, she'll come to you one day for her "month/yearly/whenever the fuck I feel like it now" payment and want to "reconnect". Like Haast said, if you can ignore the 20k, just write it off as a life lesson and cut your losses. You're only going to end up hurt in the long-run.
I guess we'll see what the future holds, but I really doubt that she's going to keep me on a leash in case she wants to come back. As I said before, after seeing how she was with her recent ex when the two of us started dating, and seeing how her behavior and demeanor towards me has changed since we broke up, I really can't see her changing her mind down the road.
