That doesn't really have much to do with you, it has to do with her. Remind me again what she's doing for a living or studying to do?
She works 4 days a week at a rehabilitation hospital. The hospital does a wide range of things, but she specifically is working as a psychometrist on an autism research study. She does assessments of kids with autism, organizes research, and so on.
Khane_sl said:
That's ridiculous man why would you continue to help her out if you broke up? Maybe that's part of the problem, she feels you're a whipping post with her? If a woman is attracted to a man because of how he interacts with people and then he interacts with her in a completely different way that could cause issues. Would you just blindly help out anyone else in your life financially?
Not blindly, no. But if a good friend fell on rough times I'd help them out, yes.
Dr. Mario_sl said:
Sounds like she feels like what she does with her life doesn't matter to you. Like if she failed out of school and just stayed at your place all day you'd be cool with it. Just call her a dumb cunt next time she gets a bad grade. Problem solved.
Nah, I wouldn't put up with a chick who just sits at home or who wasn't pursuing some sort of a career or education for herself. She knows that. As far as bad grades, I'm pretty sure she only gets A's and A+'s. Not much opportunity there!
Tenks_sl said:
And yeah you can say "Well don't accept the money!" But I'm sure Eomer phrased in a way where it wasn't a question. He was going to give her to money like it or not.
No, I've always ultimately left it up to her. With the car she ended up fixated on one she couldn't afford to finance on her own. Prior to that I'd offered to help but she'd said no, she wanted to do it on her own. But when she came across "Trixie" and realized her finance limits, she then changed her mind and asked me to help. With the CC payment she had been pretty ornery for a few days and when she finally spilled the beans that she was maxed out and not able to make ends meet anymore, I offered to cut her a check and she accepted with the promise that she'd pay me back soon (which I privately scoffed at, but earnestly accepted). Had she declined I wouldn't have pressed. With the other few thousand, it was mostly for tuition late this summer after she'd been off her regular job to do the practicum, so again she literally had zero money and needed a grand or two to pay tuition and buy books. She asked if she could put it on my CC, I cheerfully said sure no problem and didn't say a thing about it otherwise.
Picasso_sl said:
Cooking may be a way she could contribute. You can ask for her specific recipes and compliment excessively.
Although, I kind of think it's bad to manipulate her into feeling valuable...it may be good long term.
She already cooks dinner 5 or 6 nights a week, and occasionally makes me a lunch to take to work. Every now and then I'll ask why we haven't eaten X or Y in awhile and she'll make it a few days later. And of course I always say it's good (because it is) and thank her. And honestly, in terms of the expectations, it almost feels caveman-esque to say "I expect you to have dinner on the table when I get home". If she wants to do that, great. If not, I can fend for myself or we can go out. She also does all the laundry, and most of the cleaning (we have a cleaner come every month or so). Which I'm all super grateful for, because I hate doing all that shit. I told her I really appreciate all that stuff, but again I have a hard time saying that I "expect" it because that feels so 1950's, especially when she's working 30 hours a week and doing school work for roughly the same.
Eidal_sl said:
Eomer, off the cuff here I think an issue may be that society doesn't recognize many roles for women in a long-term relationship other than wife/partner or girlfriend/sextoy. The girlfriend status is appropriate for a few years, but I think many women feel that, drawn out for a long period, it becomes somewhat stigmatic. What's wrong with her (or you) that marriage isn't suitable? is a perfectly reasonable question that she may have been stressed out about. I know, without a doubt, that if I had not had proposed to my when I did (about 2 years into knowing her) that eventually it would have stressed her out to the point where she would have, ultimately, either forced the question with me or left.
You mentioned repeatedly that she wants to feel like a peer and doesn't; this is indicative of a person of character, they want to feel productive and respected. As it stands and without further knowledge of the two of you, I would look towards her wondering about her future (with or without you) and the idea that after a few more years you'll dump her for a younger woman (upgraded sextoy) or a woman you actually look at as a peer (someone that you respect). Since, ultimately, you haven't proposed and shes likely old-fashioned enough to expect you to do so. That this hasn't come up in three years is a red flag for a woman aware of how the world gets progressively more cruel towards women as they age while men concurrently rise in stature.
Yeah, you may have a point, I'm not sure. Next time we sit down to discuss this stuff I'm going to point blank ask her if that's what she wants or not. Honestly at this point if I dropped to one knee and proposed to her, I don't really know what her answer would be. It's 50/50 that she'd say yes or no.
Eidal_sl said:
I think many women feel that if they bring up a marriage discussion in any serious sense that they would feel that they're potentially coercing the man into an engagement which would absolutely tarnish the entire ritual.
I appreciate your input, but I don't think she would feel that way. She's pretty non-traditional in that respect. But maybe I'm totally misreading that.
Tenks_sl said:
Or one that doesn't really care about money. It sounds like this girl cares about it a great deal.
No, I don't think she does care about money a great deal, in isolation. She cares about it in terms of the dynamics of our relationship. Again, she's quite frugal and in a lot of ways pretty ignorant of money. But right now she's flat broke and financially dependent on me, and feeling guilty about it.
Khane_sl said:
Your wife also actually has a career and isn't a student. She probably doesn't care because she has a good life that's made better by you, she feels validated in her own work. Eomer's woman is still struggling to even see if she'll get to that point. I don't think it's about a monetary amount so much as feeling like she contributes something, period.
Yeah, that's basically it.
