Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Big Phoenix said:

Im not parent but I cant help but think that there is nothing better for kids than their parents raising them and not a daycare or nanny.

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I think it depends how much daycare they're getting. I leave my daughter on average 20 hours a week at the daycare, and it's great. She just turned 2, and she already has a couple of friends. She clearly doesn't speak as well as the kids that spend all their time with their parents (especialy since she speaks 2 languages), but I can't help but think that socializing with kids of their age is good. She behaves very differently with the kids she knows from daycare compared to how she behave with kids she meets less regularly. I don't think it'd be easy to get that experience outside of daycare.

That being said, I do feel bad for kids that go 50+ hours a week in daycare because parents don't have the choice, basicaly the kid get up to go to daycare 30 minutes later, then parents pick them up and they sleep 45 minutes later.

Yeah there are definite benefits to daycare when it comes to socialization. My oldest son never spent much time with anyone outside of my wife, her mom and my mom. So when we put him in preschool at 4, he got off to a real rough start. He's always been very intelligent but until he sees the benefit for himself, he tends to do the very bare minimum. This year (2nd grade) he started to really enjoy socializing and wanting to do well in school, so I mean it all worked out. It was just rough for a couple of years having to drop him off somewhere I knew he didn't want to be.

My 2nd (as always seems to be the case) is the complete opposite though and loves being around other kids and he would stay in school with my older son if he could. The teachers all love him too.

I feel so lucky that we have grandparents that watch our two kids.

Grumpus said:

Sup queers, update. Real all stars know the back story of this thread and my story.

I took a break from the forums for over a year but i'm back and I have updates.

Me and the wife have been married for 3 years now.

We had our second child November 5th 2017.

We now have a 3 year old boy and a 1 year old little girl.

I have never made a better decision in my life then marrying my wife. She is amazing and our relationship is still incredibly strong. Whatever we are doing is working and i cant imagine a life without her.

Questions welcome from people who know the story.

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Hard to believe you're the one who started this thread years ago.

Cad said:

You have said over and over what a nut job your wife is, how do you want her raising your kids full time?

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She's not a nut job. She's lazy and borderline hoarder

Well yeah

Grumpus said:

I lucked out. I really dont know how else to put it.

Our relationship is effortless. We share responsibility without having to delegate. We share just enough interests to keep things interesting. Our tastes line up in almost everything.

I just got lucky. If she died tomorrow I cant imagine finding a partner that suited me as much as she does again in my life time.

100% pure dumb luck.

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Dude it wasn't effortless. The shit ya'll had to go through just to get together was more than most people do just to maintain their marriage. So, it was all front ended. Regardless, congrats and I'm glad the marble that started all of this crazy is still rolling strong.

With that said, I too am throwing my hat in the "I'm glad I married who I did ring." I look at my wife and our marriage, and while some shit drives me crazy, that list is EXTREMELY small compared to how bad it actually could be. Marriage is never a 50/50 deal down the middle. Sometimes you gonna give way more than you take, it's just part of it. The true key is finding someone who you don't mind giving to.

Cad said:

We have had all of our kids in pre-school from 2 years old about 25 hours a week and at home/with parents/au pair the other time. The groups of kids they get at school are great, but they need a lot of individual attention too.

Our kids all went to Montessori schools from 2-5 until they started kindergarten.

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Mine started at 6 months, 4-5 times 3 hours a week, pediatrician told us she wouldn't get much out of it at 6 months BUT if we were to put her after 10 months it would become harder to get her used to it. So we put her at 6 months a few hours a day, most of the weekday. It's true that she didn't do much at daycare at 6 months that she couldn't do at home, but she clearly started to socialize at around 10 months and it's been quite good for her from then on and there wasn't much crying at any point of the process.

It's true that they need a lot of individual attention, but I fear our generation is giving them actually TOO much attention, so at the daycare, they're "lightly" supervized and have a lot of time to "play on their own", and they get to experience a bunch of stuff that they wouldn't with daddy being constantly at most 2 meters behind them. (Yeah, I can't help it...)

Big Phoenix said:

Im not parent but I cant help but think that there is nothing better for kids than their parents raising them and not a daycare or nanny.

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My son is now 21 months old. Raising him is great. I haven't damaged him too severely, yet.

My wife and I considered what we had, and what we would have to give up. We do well enough on her income, and I wanted the house dad job. I didn't get to spend a lot of time with my father, and I'd rather forfeit just money than lose money and time with my son.

So I get to spend tons of time with him, and I see who shows up at local toddler events like story time. Most of the caretakers are grandparents and nannies. And the toddlers who aren't there are the ones in daycare.

So it's kind of curious and strange to think how many households are producing children but not directly raising them through years 0 to 5 or so. The families have deferred the job out of necessity or for job goals or status or whatever. I think it is a major cultural shift, maybe a lost art of sorts. It feels wrong, but I don't know if it's actually producing bad outcomes.

Single income is very hard, and I make low 6 figures now. If my wife worked we'd live ultra comfortable but as it is now it's pretty tight. I sacrifice a lot so that my kids have everything they need/want. It would be easier if my wife worked, but our kids would never see us. Definitely different than previous generations.