Marriage and the Power of Divorce

I think it's just common sense that if you're not getting it at home, you'll look elsewhere. I'm sometimes tempted to stray but if it's going to come to that it's time for divorce. Which just seems foolish to have to do but that's how we have society set up. If one person wants sex and the other doesnt, you either: dont have sex ever again, get divorced and split up finances and child care and your family that you still love, or you're a cheater. Great options.

After we went to counseling the first time the woman pretty much told my wife that yeah this is a serious issue. Potentially marriage ending if not taken seriously. For about 3 weeks after that she was really into it. Clearly enjoying it, actively participating! Whoa! She may have even initiated it a couple of times. So I know it's possible. It just took the threat of breaking up to get it out of her. Still, things quickly went back to the way they were.

Again though, after so many years of this I'm pretty much done trying. It's like a fucking job.

Ironically my situation is the exact opposite. About six months ago I totally lost interest in sex, and whether it's because of something biological or psychological is still up for debate. Initially I thought it was because my GF was driving me crazy and pissing me off, but then I realized not only did I not want to have sex with her, but I didn't want to have sex in general. At first it was somewhat liberating (you'd be amazed how productive and even-headed you become when sex isn't a motivator anymore), but it quickly turned into a massive issue with the GF. Guys are used to being turned down, women are not, hence all hell breaks loose when you say "I'm not in the mood"-- it brings "the crazy" to new heights. Went to see the doc, and testosterone was low, but not low enough that it should translate into preferring a back scratch over sex.. Doctor's don't seem to take me seriously, either because they don't think it's a big deal, or because they don't know what to do.

Anyways, I'd be really happy if I had a GF not interested in sex right now lol.. Not saying I envy you guys, as I would be really pissed if my wife didn't put out and I had a normal sex drive-- it's just funny how it's handled when the shoe is on the other foot. Women go rage-crazy if you turn them down.

Wow, so much in common with so many of you. I swear I checked this thread last night, thought about posting, check today and like 20 different posts from people I totally connect with.

Especially Dashel, You sound exactly like me close to 2 years ago. I hope it changes for you, it didn't for me.

I moved her out on Sunday. She found a nice place for $750 a month with all utilities included. I paid the $1500 down and first month, and we packed up most of her stuff and moved her. I spend all day moving her, then put together all the furniture at her new place. My parents watched the kids for the day so we could get stuff done.

Here's the part at least a couple of you will be happy about - showing I don't ALWAYS roll over, just most of the time, heh. I went with her to Ross to get some things she needed, and when she got to the register, I paid. It wasn't much, and it was all stuff she needed because she didn't take it from the house (Silverware, hand towels, domestic stuff like that). She said she wanted to stop by Walmart as well, because she wanted to get new sheets and a comforter for her bed. I said "Why don't you take all the bedding stuff we have? I'm not going to get another Queen bed, I'll probably just get a full, so I can't use it anyway.", but she said it was all so old and needed to be replaced anyway. So I didn't argue, but I wasn't going to offer to pay either.

So, we go to Walmart, and she gets all of her bedding stuff, and then she goes "Ohhh, I need to get a new pillow top gel thing too, I didn't take the one we had because it was gross.", which was true, I mean, we've had it probably 6-7 years, with kids who had definitely had accidents on it on occasion. I tell her that those are around $100 if I remember right, and she might want to wait until she has saved up up a little or something to get one. She responds with "Well, I was hoping you would offer to pay for it."

Now, keep in mind I literally have no bed for myself. I have a futon, a futon I am putting that "gross" pillowtop thing on to make it usable for the immediate future.

So I respond with "No, I'm not buying you a pillowtop thing for your bed. If you feel like you need one, you can use the gross one, or you can sleep on the bed with "only" a mattress for a while. I'm trying to be nice here, and I'm buying you the things I feel like you need, or are at least very useful to have, and in fact, as soon as you are done picking out what you need here, I was already planning on telling you that we need to go to the kids bedding section so I can buy sheets and blankets for the kids new beds, but as far as buying you a luxury item that's only purpose is to make the bed extra comfy for you and whatever guys you eventually bring to it, No, I don't feel like that's my responsibility at all."

Frenzied Wombat_sl said:

Ironically my situation is the exact opposite. About six months ago I totally lost interest in sex, and whether it's because of something biological or psychological is still up for debate. Initially I thought it was because my GF was driving me crazy and pissing me off, but then I realized not only did I not want to have sex with her, but I didn't want to have sex in general. At first it was somewhat liberating (you'd be amazed how productive and even-headed you become when sex isn't a motivator anymore), but it quickly turned into a massive issue with the GF. Guys are used to being turned down, women are not, hence all hell breaks loose when you say "I'm not in the mood"-- it brings "the crazy" to new heights. Went to see the doc, and testosterone was low, but not low enough that it should translate into preferring a back scratch over sex.. Doctor's don't seem to take me seriously, either because they don't think it's a big deal, or because they don't know what to do.

Anyways, I'd be really happy if I had a GF not interested in sex right now lol.. Not saying I envy you guys, as I would be really pissed if my wife didn't put out and I had a normal sex drive-- it's just funny how it's handled when the shoe is on the other foot. Women go rage-crazy if you turn them down.

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What was your number if you don't mind me asking? I've dealt with this some, and may have some insight.

Frenzied Wombat_sl said:

Anyways, I'd be really happy if I had a GF not interested in sex right now lol.. Not saying I envy you guys, as I would be really pissed if my wife didn't put out and I had a normal sex drive-- it's just funny how it's handled when the shoe is on the other foot. Women go rage-crazy if you turn them down.

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My husband's sex drive was pretty down when I was pregnant with our third and my sex drive was a lot higher than normal. Given that I already have a pretty high sex drive, it was a frustrating period. I was constantly feeling hurt that he didn't want to have sex with me and given pregnancy hormones it made it so much worse. There was probably a bit of rage-crazy there during that period. It sucked.

Sendaar_sl said:

What was your number if you don't mind me asking? I've dealt with this some, and may have some insight.

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The urologist offered to prescribe testosterone but warned me that it would most likely become a lifelong need, as your body stops producing it naturally. Also, he said there was a good chance it would make me infertile as long as I was on it. They neglect to mention these things on those nice "low-T" commercials. I'm debating trying it out for a month to see what impact it has.

Onoes_sl said:

Especially Dashel, You sound exactly like me close to 2 years ago. I hope it changes for you, it didn't for me.

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Thank you for the sentiment but it wont change. I started dating her when I was 16. We havent been together this whole time but I've known her my entire adult life. Married for almost 10 years now. Is what it is.

Onoes_sl said:

So I respond with "No, I'm not buying you a pillowtop thing for your bed. If you feel like you need one, you can use the gross one, or you can sleep on the bed with "only" a mattress for a while. I'm trying to be nice here, and I'm buying you the things I feel like you need, or are at least very useful to have, and in fact, as soon as you are done picking out what you need here, I was already planning on telling you that we need to go to the kids bedding section so I can buy sheets and blankets for the kids new beds, but as far as buying you a luxury item that's only purpose is to make the bed extra comfy for you and whatever guys you eventually bring to it, No, I don't feel like that's my responsibility at all."

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That's good! It's important to manage expectations. Once she assumes you'll doeverything, the littlest thing you neglect will be seen as a slight. That's how things get ugly.

Overall though sounds good. I'm glad it's working out for you.

Lots of reasonable and seemingly well adjusted people posting lately. I'm not married, but I am a clinical psych student in a very good program and hope I can offer some help

First, sex is extremely important to the health of a marriage. Yeah you've heard that before, but it's often played down because society thinks of sex largely as some base desire. Its not. Find whatever way you can to make your wife understand that. Sex also releases oxytocin, the "love" hormone.

If either of you is on meds with sexual side effects, there are alternatives. Anxiety disorders (e.g. panic disorder, as someone mentioned earlier) are EXTREMELY treatable through behavioral therapies. I'm not talking Freudian couch bullshit. Lots of work has been done in the past two decades to identify treatments for specific problems that are superior to other therepies. Call local therapy clinics and ask for a mental health practitioner that uses "empirically supported treatments" (ESTs). Any big clinic will have at least one. Their schedule will also be free because they are the only ones who's patients get better and quit therapy because of it. Most anxiety disorders have 60-75% remission rate in 12 sessions or less

If it's depression, the numbers are not as good but still high. About 33% have remission with placebo, 66% with behavioral therapy. Same rate as SSRIs (66%) without side effects. Cognitive therapy is not as good for depression.

Therapy has a greater time investment as is harder than taking a pill, but most things worth doing are difficult. If you want to double down on the pill route, however, wellbutrin is often prescribed to counteract the sexual side effects of SSRIs

lindz_sl said:

I think like Dashel said, a lot of the problems with sex these days is cultural. Men are told they need to have sex constantly and woman are told they never need it. Both are exaggerations, but when people hear it through media and relationships constantly, it just becomes ingrained in our society. I dunno, maybe I'm full of it right now, but that is truly the pressure I feel as a woman which I think is bizarre and really sad.

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I'm experiencing this issue as well. However, my wife is from Japan, only living in the US for about 10 years now. She just turned 30, and she's "a bit" Americanized, but not fully. While dating, we had sex often. However, she has NEVER ONCE initiated it. I've even told her that "the next time we have sex, you're going to start it." after a month, I finally caved in and asked. A big part of the issue is on my own end, however. Following high school and a very serious relationship, I went into this "I hate women" phase. Between that and online gaming during all hours of the day/night (when I wasn't at work), it resulted in me being single for upwards of 7 years. And by single, I mean not even 1 night stands. Absolutely zero women in my life over many years. Then I had a really nasty motorcycle accident and met my wife. Even that probably wouldn't have happened if I weren't high on morphine while in the hospital. She was a student nurse that had me as a patient. I asked for her number and was charming enough that she gave me it.

Anyway, backtracking a bit. I've never been a majorly sexual person, but I have always enjoyed it. With that said, my wife has never caused me to ejaculate either. Sure, if I get myself to the brink via masturbation, she can get me to cross the threshold, but she can't do it on her own. And she's tried a lot. The reason for this is 7 years of being single, I became very comfortable with masturbation. No one else has the touch that I've gotten used to. There are supposedly ways to break this dependency, but I've been unsuccessful as of yet.

The next issue is that about 3 months after getting married, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. Yeah, life's a dream. Fortunately it doesn't affect methatmuch, but I do have frequent pain throughout the year as a result. It feels like arthritis.
Anyway, I'm on multiple medications for MS, and it fucks with my erections. Yeah, I'm a real prize. I've been taking cialis, but anymore I'm stuck in my own head with how much of a loser I am while fucking and it causes me to drop right away. It's pretty pathetic.

Anyone want to share stories similar to this one? The only reason I'm sharing is because my wife went into work about 45 minutes ago. And prior to her going in, we had an "end of 2013" session. I performed horribly, and when she left I was disgusted with myself. Ugh.

My life is great except for the ED thing. As I type this, my index finger on my left hand is in tremendous pain (when I move it), and my right wrist is stiff. Ahh, MS. I could never forget about you, but you don't need to remind me so frequently.

This thread is becoming such a cautionary tale

Let the feels flow my bros:

Deathwing is right anal fixes problems. It's amazing. If you think it's gross try to get over it because it is quite a different feeling and it feels great.

But sex does have something you can't get elsewhere, that isn't some weird perversion. It's a physical AND emotional connection, you cannot get that from masturbating. I don't know that I've ever heard someone say masturbating is just as good as sex, that's interesting. If you don't mind me asking why do you say that? It's also not fair to say you wouldn't get angsty if you weren't having sex since you are having sex and apparently plenty of it. Plus you're getting anal, which honestly is a life changer.

He started the story by saying he doesn't always fuck, but he doesn't have to because he jerks it. The difference between his story and everyone elses is that his wife is the initiator of the encounter, while he is just the participant. Roles are reversed entirely in his situation.

This thread scares the shit out of me.

Xarpolis_sl said:

With that said, my wife has never caused me to ejaculate either. Sure, if I get myself to the brink via masturbation, she can get me to cross the threshold, but she can't do it on her own. And she's tried a lot. The reason for this is 7 years of being single, I became very comfortable with masturbation. No one else has the touch that I've gotten used to. There are supposedly ways to break this dependency, but I've been unsuccessful as of yet.

Anyway, I'm on multiple medications for MS, and it fucks with my erections.

I performed horribly, and when she left I was disgusted with myself. Ugh.

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I honestly think that the bolded is probably more of a factor than you're admitting to yourself. And then the italic is playing a role. Don't get caught in this positive feedback loop of loathe-shame. It will debilitate you quicker than the MS will. You're fucking unwell, dude. It's not your fault.

Also don't jerk off for like a month. And well, its pretty personal but... do you think your wife is attractive? Or do you love her because of an obviously nurturing nature? It makes a difference. A month without jerking off and a cute jap wife... she'll get you there. But do not try to ignore the fact that youare unwell. It's not just something that you can man through. Thinking otherwise, purely from a philosophical standpoint, seems like it would inevitably lead to some of these problems you seem to be experiencing.

I'm not married. I've gone through very long "dry" patches myself. 7 years is bush league shit, son. Of course voluntary abstinence is a different beast than involuntary. Every woman I see I want to fuck, but there are very few that I actually want to have sex with. But I mean it should be like riding a bike. I suspect your medication, condition, and the beginnings of internalizing a self-loathing is more the culprit than playing with your wee-wee.