So My Wife Died...

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Captain Suave

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I know my situation is a bit different, it's scattered around this board and not contained to a thread, but I was married for 18 years, got divorced 5 years ago. We were literally together half of our lives. I lost 2 friends this year (one of them a friend for 25 years) and tomorrow is my dog's last day. I'm really starting to feel like I don't have anything left to give anyone. I'm not talking about feeling suicidal or self destructive - I just am not sure I can ever actually summon up what's needed to REALLY care about anyone again. Yeah, sure, fine - I've got people I'd miss if they were gone. But I really feel fucking broken, and I dunno if that shit's normal and part of the process, or if I'm just always gonna keep everyone at arm's length because I feel like I just can't tolerate any more loss.

I feel ya man. I feel like i'm never gonna be in love again. I feel like nothing is ever gonna be the same. Maybe it's not supposed to be. I dunno.

If it's any consolation, when my mom died at age 53 I was 100% convinced my dad would wall up for the rest of his life and slowly evaporate. Instead he grieved for a few years, got into shape, took up a new hobby, forced himself to make some friends, and has now been happily married for almost 17 years. Time can heal quite a lot, and life is out there when you decide you want it.
 
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Lambourne

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I know my situation is a bit different, it's scattered around this board and not contained to a thread, but I was married for 18 years, got divorced 5 years ago. We were literally together half of our lives. I lost 2 friends this year (one of them a friend for 25 years) and tomorrow is my dog's last day. I'm really starting to feel like I don't have anything left to give anyone. I'm not talking about feeling suicidal or self destructive - I just am not sure I can ever actually summon up what's needed to REALLY care about anyone again. Yeah, sure, fine - I've got people I'd miss if they were gone. But I really feel fucking broken, and I dunno if that shit's normal and part of the process, or if I'm just always gonna keep everyone at arm's length because I feel like I just can't tolerate any more loss.

I feel ya man. I feel like i'm never gonna be in love again. I feel like nothing is ever gonna be the same. Maybe it's not supposed to be. I dunno.


Don't think there's anything wrong, just that slight middle age cynicism setting in. At a certain point in life you've seen enough things fall apart and been to enough funerals that you really start to come to terms with the fact that nothing lasts forever. We know this intellectually early on but only with time and experience do we really "get it".
it seems futile to love anyone or anything with that in mind but I think people do eventually move past that and realize that you still can enjoy life and love others even if that undertone of "this might not last forever" will always be there, because you've come to understand that you can't fully control what happens in life.

Maybe cynicism isn't the right word, but youthful idealism turns to realism, maybe with a brief swing into defeatism.
 
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lurkingdirk

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life is out there when you decide you want it.

I love what you said, and I'm so glad for your dad. It is not as simple as this. Many people, most who go though the loss of a spouse I would guess, need real help to get through it. This should involve friends and family, but also a good therapist. Someone you trust and can fully unload on. I have seen it many times where the bereaved became involved with someone new years after their spouse died only to suffer feelings of extreme guilt, feeling like they were cheating. It's a complicated thing to get over a spouse, both if they die or if there is divorce.

Take your time man. Life is out there when you decide you want it, with a lot of work on your part to make yourself ready for it.
 
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Tarrant

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I know my situation is a bit different, it's scattered around this board and not contained to a thread, but I was married for 18 years, got divorced 5 years ago. We were literally together half of our lives. I lost 2 friends this year (one of them a friend for 25 years) and tomorrow is my dog's last day. I'm really starting to feel like I don't have anything left to give anyone. I'm not talking about feeling suicidal or self destructive - I just am not sure I can ever actually summon up what's needed to REALLY care about anyone again. Yeah, sure, fine - I've got people I'd miss if they were gone. But I really feel fucking broken, and I dunno if that shit's normal and part of the process, or if I'm just always gonna keep everyone at arm's length because I feel like I just can't tolerate any more loss.

I feel ya man. I feel like i'm never gonna be in love again. I feel like nothing is ever gonna be the same. Maybe it's not supposed to be. I dunno.

Speaking from strictly a divorced standpoint, I understand. To this day, I still love my first wife even with all the shit she put me through. If we were both single, I’d even be open to trying again I think.

but love comes again, sometimes when you least expect it. I can’t guarantee you’ll ever get to a place where you feel like you can open up that side of yourself again, but should you, anything’s possible. For me it ended up being a close friend I had known since middle school and had a thing for all through school. I never saw it coming, but here we are 5 years later still going strong.

loves hard, even when it’s going well. It’s natural to throw up walls after something like a divorce and keep them up and often times that’s just the easier thing to do. I think it’s not a matter of if you can summon up what’s needed to care about someone, but instead, if you really want to….TRULY want to. If you do, you may get burned again a few times but that’s the price we pay sometimes. It’s a high one, but that’s usually the case with anything that’s really worth it.
 

KDow

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I don't know that I'll feel guilty for my wife. As I mentioned she was pretty adamant that I find someone else. Honestly I'll feel guilty for the person I'm with.

They'll never get 100% of me. Like you guys are talking about. I just don't have that to give. I don't think I could love someone as much as I loved my wife, but beyond that, all that we went through, how much I committed to that, what it took out of me. For me and for my kids, I just couldn't put myself in a place to do that again.

If I do wind up with someone, maybe they'll get 70% of me, maybe they'd never know the difference. But I will.
 

Cutlery

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I don't know that I'll feel guilty for my wife. As I mentioned she was pretty adamant that I find someone else. Honestly I'll feel guilty for the person I'm with.

They'll never get 100% of me. Like you guys are talking about. I just don't have that to give. I don't think I could love someone as much as I loved my wife, but beyond that, all that we went through, how much I committed to that, what it took out of me. For me and for my kids, I just couldn't put myself in a place to do that again.

If I do wind up with someone, maybe they'll get 70% of me, maybe they'd never know the difference. But I will.

That's 100% how I feel. My GF feels like I'm the best person ever for her. No one has ever treated her better.

But I feel like i'm just halfassing it all the time.
 
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BrutulTM

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it seems futile to love anyone or anything with that in mind but I think people do eventually move past that and realize that you still can enjoy life and love others even if that undertone of "this might not last forever" will always be there, because you've come to understand that you can't fully control what happens in life.
Your post reminds me of this song. Possibly applicable to the rest of the thread as well.

 
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Cad

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That's 100% how I feel. My GF feels like I'm the best person ever for her. No one has ever treated her better.

But I feel like i'm just halfassing it all the time.
This is probably just a version of imposter syndrome. You're likely not giving yourself enough credit for all the nice things you're doing for her and the type of guy you're being for her.

2 cent psychoanalysis ahead, but you probably subconsciously blame yourself for your other relationships failing and feel like it must be your failure, so you're a bad person and don't have what is needed to give (thus your feeling of half-assing), but in reality you are giving it, as evidenced by your GF being happy. You know and I know how difficult it can be to make women happy, that shit doesn't happen by accident.

Like a lot of things, you're probably overthinking it. We are all guilty of this. What difference does it make if you are halfassing it if you enjoy the relationship and she enjoys the relationship? That Let that analysis go and just roll with it.

Y'all are good folks, let yourself enjoy life.
 
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Asshat Foler

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This is probably just a version of imposter syndrome. You're likely not giving yourself enough credit for all the nice things you're doing for her and the type of guy you're being for her.

2 cent psychoanalysis ahead, but you probably subconsciously blame yourself for your other relationships failing and feel like it must be your failure, so you're a bad person and don't have what is needed to give (thus your feeling of half-assing), but in reality you are giving it, as evidenced by your GF being happy. You know and I know how difficult it can be to make women happy, that shit doesn't happen by accident.

Like a lot of things, you're probably overthinking it. We are all guilty of this. What difference does it make if you are halfassing it if you enjoy the relationship and she enjoys the relationship? That that analysis go and just roll with it.

Y'all are good folks, let yourself enjoy life.
Your second paragraph hits on something important. My memory is fuzzy but it’s addressed in this book. Would recommend anyone to read it who leans more realist, pessimist, etc.

Amazon product ASIN 1400078393
 

BrutulTM

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I just gotta take a step back and realize it's still really recent and it's gotta get better and that it will.

Believe it. 6 months ain't nothing but it ain't much either. You're still at the beginning of this so cut out the "my life is over" type thoughts. That doesn't help anyone. All you have to do is look around the world and see that it isn't true. I don't mean to beat up on you. It's natural to feel depressed but your life is far from over and you don't know what the future will bring.
 
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KDow

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Believe it. 6 months ain't nothing but it ain't much either. You're still at the beginning of this so cut out the "my life is over" type thoughts. That doesn't help anyone. All you have to do is look around the world and see that it isn't true. I don't mean to beat up on you. It's natural to feel depressed but your life is far from over and you don't know what the future will bring.


I hear you. Honestly it isn't so much that I feel like my life is over, I'm just real tired and I thought the tank would last a lot longer before it felt like it was getting towards E.

Part of that has to be all of us being sick for a month, it starting to head in to winter here in Maine (which isn't really the cold or the snow, its that its fucking grey and wet for like 8 months in a row - also fuck daylight savings), and me being 43 with a 3 and 5 year old ain't doing me any favors.
 
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darkmiasma

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Just to piggyback on Brutal’s comment about not knowing what the future holds, there is a Chinese Proverb/Parable called ‘We’ll See’

Once upon a time, there was an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years.

One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. “Such bad luck,” they said sympathetically, “you must be so sad.”

“We’ll see,”
the farmer replied.

The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it two other wild horses.

“How wonderful,” the neighbors exclaimed! “Not only did your horse return, but you received two more. What great fortune you have!”

“We’ll see,”
answered the farmer.


The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune. “Now your son cannot help you with your farming,” they said. “What terrible luck you have!”

“We’ll see,”
replied the old farmer.

The following week, military officials came to the village to conscript young men into the army. Seeing that the son’s leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out. “Such great news. You must be so happy!”

The man smiled to himself and said once again.

“We’ll see.”
 
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Nester

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Been thinking of you guys so wanted to pop in and say how proud i am of how strong you are while facing this life.

Holidays can be tough so just know there is people out there thinking about you and wishing you and your little ones the best.
 
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KDow

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Been thinking of you guys so wanted to pop in and say how proud i am of how strong you are while facing this life.

Holidays can be tough so just know there is people out there thinking about you and wishing you and your little ones the best.

Thanks Man. I really do appreciate it. The colds between me and the kids are killing me. 6 fucking weeks. Then 2 days ago they both spiked fever's over 103. Boogers, watery eyes, the works. I just went yesterday and got diagnosed with bronchitis and mild pneumonia myself.

My parents are both very old and not in great health so the long and short of it is I'm spending Thanksgiving alone with 2 sick kiddos and sick myself.

Deep breaths but Jesus fuck what the fucking fuck? It'll pass and we can go down in a couple of weeks but its still a kick in the dick. Just gotta focus on knowing It'll all pass, it's going to be fine but I am spent.
 
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BrutulTM

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Thanks Man. I really do appreciate it. The colds between me and the kids are killing me. 6 fucking weeks. Then 2 days ago they both spiked fever's over 103. Boogers, watery eyes, the works. I just went yesterday and got diagnosed with bronchitis and mild pneumonia myself.

My parents are both very old and not in great health so the long and short of it is I'm spending Thanksgiving alone with 2 sick kiddos and sick myself.

Deep breaths but Jesus fuck what the fucking fuck? It'll pass and we can go down in a couple of weeks but its still a kick in the dick. Just gotta focus on knowing It'll all pass, it's going to be fine but I am spent.
Sucks GIF by NETFLIX


That's not the way to start the holiday season. Hang in there man.
 

KDow

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And so it begins...

Incoming word vomit that would also fit in the Jimmies Rustled thread.

As I mentioned across these posts, my wife developed her cancer at 40. Her father's cancer hit when he was 40 and he lived with it off and on for the next 20 years. Her mother wasn't diagnosed until she was 59 but the doctors believed that the colon cancer she developed was exceptionally slow moving and that her mom had probably had it for over 10 years. Her mother had refused to go to the doctor's but must have known something was wrong for a long time.

All of them died within the last 3 years.

My wife, prior to her passing had expressed concerns to her brother's about the her parent's house they had all grown up in. Tori was convinced that it was something on their street that caused them all to get sick. They all had different types of cancer and genetic testing showed no predispositions to any of the cancer's they developed. Almost every house on their street has at least 1 person that died early of cancer, some very rare.

I think you can probably see where this is going.

I had also reiterated the desire for some form of testing to be done to each of her brother's prior to Tori's passing and after. This was no secret to them or surprise. Up to now, I had been told the plan was to sell the house to the city, reason being (and no I'm not making this up) the house is directly next to an elementary school and the school needed parking. Her mother had mentioned that there was an opportunity for the city to do some testing when the original school was being demolished and a new school was being built a few years ago but the powers that be elected not to. Whether that's true or not, I haven't looked in to it.

Either way, I let the brothers know that if that was the plan I had no problem with it.

Today I'm talking to one of her brothers (Bro 1) and he mentions that the estate sale was completed and that this weekend is the final liquidation sale followed by the dump guys. Naturally I ask what's going on with the sale of the house and what the city is doing.

Turns out, the city told them to kick rocks weeks and weeks ago and they did not tell me. Their plan is to list the house in the next couple of weeks...

While I'm not the brightest bulb I'm also not a complete dumbass and had thought something like this could happen. I had initially been looking at vendors that could do a Phase I Environmental study of the site but after doing some research it doesn't appear phase I really does any sample testing. That occurs in phase II based on the phase I findings. All of which would take too much time. In reality we (as my wife is a part of this) are looking to have soil sample testing, air, and water testing done absent a full study.

Where I fell down was believing they would tell me if the city elected not to buy the property. I thought I had more time to have someone lined up and ready to go.

I also confirmed with a real estate attorney just to be absolutely sure that if this testing was done and showed no positive signs of toxicity the fact that the testing was done does not need to be disclosed as part of a subsequent sale transaction. Obviously if there are carcinogens detected that would need to be disclosed (but who the fuck would want to sell a house that killed half their family to another family??!?!!).

In my research I also discovered that one of the largest super fund sites in New England is a 4 minute drive from their home. Bro 1 wasn't even aware.

So I plead my case to him. I reiterated that it was one of his sister's dying requests. That Tori had considered asking her mother to do the testing while she was alive but thought better of it. If there were findings it would have destroyed her mother. Knowing what it inflicted on her family and what may be coming for Tori's siblings. Tori had planned to have it done after her mother's passing, she didn't expect to not outlive her mom. I mean who dies from cancer in 16 months?

I mentioned that if it comes back negative they can sell the house with a clear conscience, but for me it means my daughter will probably need to get a double mastectomy by the time she's 35. If it's positive, it will at least give them an idea of what killed my wife and their mother and father and may change the calculus a bit when it comes to my daughter. It would mean that for them the type of screening they could get and how often would change dramatically and they would stand a better chance of catching something early. That their kids
were over that house all the time, and while 20 years of exposure gives a lot more opportunity for mutation, if their kids were exposed to something it isn't 0.00 chance for them either.

I also mentioned that the only reason not to check is because you're afraid of what you'll find and doing that and selling to someone else is fucking gross. Bro 1 agreed and at least in our conversation agrees that some sort of testing should be done. Bro 1 also mentioned that Bro 2 is going to fight this along with Bro 3.

So, never shy from confrontation I call Bro 2 (whose a lawyer) and let him know all the same things. His response, I am the administrator of the trust and I won't do anything that may impact the highest valuation of the home possible. Gross. He tries to handle me and says that I can put together what I want done and we can have a call with the vendor but if the tests risk negatively impacting the sale he won't agree to it. What fucking testing that looks for carcinogens doesn't have the possibility to negatively impact a sale? He also mentions that the house is being listed ASAP and that any testing can't hold up a sale. I decide not to engage and mention the fact that he decided not to notify me weeks ago when he knew the city wasn't interested was a crock of grade A bullshit. I recognize at this point I am no longer talking to a brother in law, I am talking to a lawyer that looks like someone I had considered family. He was the closest one to my sister.

I also make clear to both brothers that I will either pay for the cost of any testing out of pocket.

I don't even bother with brother number 3.

Finally, on to the house itself. Is this a palatial mansion overlooking the ocean? A one of a kind historic home that Paul Revere himself once took a dump in? Fully renovated and upgraded with amazing amenities and details? No, its a 100 year old home with a fucked up floor plan, creaky lopsided stairs, and repairs needed in every room. It's zestimate is for about 350k and it's in a down market.

After fees, commissions, and a 4 way split what the fuck are we even talking about? 75k each? Yes, that's a nice chunk of money, but NONE of them are struggling. And the one that could really use it the most is the only one (at least to my face) is on my side.

I just have to get it out. I had hoped it would have been different. I'm so dissappointed. I am trying my best to seperate the lawyer part from the brother part but I'll tell you this, if I never get to know. For my wife and for my daughter, I'm never talking to any of those fucks again and any proceeds I'm donating to charity and I know my wife she would back me right up on this.

I am also working on my options should the house go under contract as I am the executor of my wife's estate. I don't want to get in to it too much though at this time.

So thats it. Greed is gross.
 
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ToeMissile

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And so it begins...

...

So thats it. Greed is gross.
You mentioned the lawyer was closest to your sister, do you think he's just trying to get rid of the house to avoid thinking about losing family? People deal w/ grief in weird ways.

That aside, maybe take your own samples in case the sale is going to go through before you can go through? Document where on the property and at what depth, I dunno what else.
 

BrutulTM

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If they're really motivated by greed, use that against them. Tell them that if their house was contaminated by the superfund site you might be in for a big settlement from whoever is managing the site that would make the house value look like chump change. Might even be true, IDK. My skeptic's brain tells me that you probably won't find anything and it's just a shitty coincidence, maybe with some genetic predisposition to cancer, but who knows? In that case you're where you are now with a clear conscience. If they do find something? Get your lawyer brother-in-law to sue and go for more money since it seems like he's hungry for it.
 
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Cad

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So, never shy from confrontation I call Bro 2 (whose a lawyer) and let him know all the same things. His response, I am the administrator of the trust and I won't do anything that may impact the highest valuation of the home possible. Gross. He tries to handle me and says that I can put together what I want done and we can have a call with the vendor but if the tests risk negatively impacting the sale he won't agree to it. What fucking testing that looks for carcinogens doesn't have the possibility to negatively impact a sale? He also mentions that the house is being listed ASAP and that any testing can't hold up a sale. I decide not to engage and mention the fact that he decided not to notify me weeks ago when he knew the city wasn't interested was a crock of grade A bullshit. I recognize at this point I am no longer talking to a brother in law, I am talking to a lawyer that looks like someone I had considered family. He was the closest one to my sister.

I also make clear to both brothers that I will either pay for the cost of any testing out of pocket.

I don't even bother with brother number 3.

Finally, on to the house itself. Is this a palatial mansion overlooking the ocean? A one of a kind historic home that Paul Revere himself once took a dump in? Fully renovated and upgraded with amazing amenities and details? No, its a 100 year old home with a fucked up floor plan, creaky lopsided stairs, and repairs needed in every room. It's zestimate is for about 350k and it's in a down market.

After fees, commissions, and a 4 way split what the fuck are we even talking about? 75k each? Yes, that's a nice chunk of money, but NONE of them are struggling. And the one that could really use it the most is the only one (at least to my face) is on my side.

I just have to get it out. I had hoped it would have been different. I'm so dissappointed. I am trying my best to seperate the lawyer part from the brother part but I'll tell you this, if I never get to know. For my wife and for my daughter, I'm never talking to any of those fucks again and any proceeds I'm donating to charity and I know my wife she would back me right up on this.

I am also working on my options should the house go under contract as I am the executor of my wife's estate. I don't want to get in to it too much though at this time.

So thats it. Greed is gross.
I don't want to get into a whole legal advice thread, but you're a good dude.

Find yourself a personal injury lawyer and have him draft you up a juicy personal injury lawsuit against the owner of the house (the estate) and the administrator. This lawsuit seeks testing data and compensation for injuries and deaths occurring due to contamination on the premises.

Send the administrator a letter with the lawsuit attached, and let them know you will be filing said lawsuit in 14 or 30 days or whatever you want to do. They will be unable to sell the house if you file that lawsuit. Ask him if you want to fight in the courts or just let you do your testing, because the testing is going to happen as part of the lawsuit whether they like it or not, so its up to them.

My $0.02.
 
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Voyce

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Very strange first thing I thought when you mentioned the incidence of cancers, was “environmental?”

Doesn’t make much sense to lose three people to cancer in such a succession, and not be interested in finding out more, almost like he already knows so something? The family having a predisposition or something?