and I'm left with two young kids.
A couple of weeks back I inadvertently derailed the Jimmies Rustled thread and some folks suggested I start my own topic here.
I wasn't going to, but I'm kind of coming unglued a bit so I figured why the fuck not.
In some ways it's kind of what I expected. Right after she passed there was so much going on with regards to her funeral arrangements, insurance stuff, and everyone reaching out. While there was a lot of grief it served as a good distraction to get me through. Since her memorial on 05/21 and a lot of the administrative stuff is either resolved or under review its just been getting harder and harder.
My wife and I moved to Maine 11 years ago for her work. We have no family up here so its really just me. People say they want to do anything they can but it isn't like someone can just swing by for a beer. Its gotta be a coordinated event. We have a few friends up here but they don't have kids and I think it's already too much for them. I feel like fucking Eeyore.
I mean, I follow what the counselor folks say and make sure the kids see me sad at various times and I ask them questions about how they're doing - but its not like I would want to unload on them everything I'm going through even if they were much much older (they are 2.5 and almost 5). The rest of the time I'm by myself and while I still talk to my wife constantly that isn't really viable. So, when I do see another adult human - because my life right now is just so wrapped up in my wife, my kids, and our loss its just the only thing I can find myself talking about. I swear I used to be able to have normal conversations but even when I'm trying, something just brings me back to what I'm going through. And I know that's to be expected and its only been a month (It's the reason I'm typing this - it was 4 weeks ago today at around 9:00 am that she took a turn and we had to call the ambulance. She wasn't making sense and then I saw her eyes. They were yellow and I knew we were in trouble. Today I dropped my kid at preschool and looked at the clock on the dash and kind of lost it.) but it doesn't change that for a lot of people its too much to hear about and they're ready to move on.
Since her service I find myself searching for her. I cleaned our office and I'm looking through checklists and notebooks she had - seeing if there are notes or scribbles or anything to connect me to her. I plugged in all my old phones looking for pictures and text chains and voicemails. (if anyone knows how to get texts from really old android phones to a PC please let me know - usb doesn't show the database file). I was always the photographer with my friends in High School and College but afterwards when my wife and I first met it was in that weird period between old school prints and quality digital phone cameras. So while we were together for years and rarely apart in that time there are so few pictures of us during those amazing carefree years before our kids came. Post kids there are a million pics but like most people its mainly just the kiddos. I'm so afraid of losing memories of things we did and especially from earlier in our relationship. I'm the type of person that without a picture or physical object I can reference I forget everything. Could be last week or 15 years ago.
I know I need to talk to a professional to get through this and I'm sure between that and time passing things will get better, but right now the only analogy that comes to mind of how I'm existing is the scene in the first Avenger's movie where the Hulk says "That's my secret...I'm always angry." I feel like that but with my grief. There isn't a second that if I let myself I couldn't turn in to a fucking puddle.
With that said, whether it's vulnerability or stupidity. Here is a picture of me and my family from my son's 4th birthday last year. She had her mastectomy at the end of May (she's wearing a wig but that's what her hair looked like) and this was in the few months we were able to enjoy before her cancer came back. She has countdowns for their birthdays on her phone that any time I open it I have to see the days left on goals she'll never meet.
Also- Yes, they are gingers.
A couple of weeks back I inadvertently derailed the Jimmies Rustled thread and some folks suggested I start my own topic here.
I wasn't going to, but I'm kind of coming unglued a bit so I figured why the fuck not.
In some ways it's kind of what I expected. Right after she passed there was so much going on with regards to her funeral arrangements, insurance stuff, and everyone reaching out. While there was a lot of grief it served as a good distraction to get me through. Since her memorial on 05/21 and a lot of the administrative stuff is either resolved or under review its just been getting harder and harder.
My wife and I moved to Maine 11 years ago for her work. We have no family up here so its really just me. People say they want to do anything they can but it isn't like someone can just swing by for a beer. Its gotta be a coordinated event. We have a few friends up here but they don't have kids and I think it's already too much for them. I feel like fucking Eeyore.
I mean, I follow what the counselor folks say and make sure the kids see me sad at various times and I ask them questions about how they're doing - but its not like I would want to unload on them everything I'm going through even if they were much much older (they are 2.5 and almost 5). The rest of the time I'm by myself and while I still talk to my wife constantly that isn't really viable. So, when I do see another adult human - because my life right now is just so wrapped up in my wife, my kids, and our loss its just the only thing I can find myself talking about. I swear I used to be able to have normal conversations but even when I'm trying, something just brings me back to what I'm going through. And I know that's to be expected and its only been a month (It's the reason I'm typing this - it was 4 weeks ago today at around 9:00 am that she took a turn and we had to call the ambulance. She wasn't making sense and then I saw her eyes. They were yellow and I knew we were in trouble. Today I dropped my kid at preschool and looked at the clock on the dash and kind of lost it.) but it doesn't change that for a lot of people its too much to hear about and they're ready to move on.
Since her service I find myself searching for her. I cleaned our office and I'm looking through checklists and notebooks she had - seeing if there are notes or scribbles or anything to connect me to her. I plugged in all my old phones looking for pictures and text chains and voicemails. (if anyone knows how to get texts from really old android phones to a PC please let me know - usb doesn't show the database file). I was always the photographer with my friends in High School and College but afterwards when my wife and I first met it was in that weird period between old school prints and quality digital phone cameras. So while we were together for years and rarely apart in that time there are so few pictures of us during those amazing carefree years before our kids came. Post kids there are a million pics but like most people its mainly just the kiddos. I'm so afraid of losing memories of things we did and especially from earlier in our relationship. I'm the type of person that without a picture or physical object I can reference I forget everything. Could be last week or 15 years ago.
I know I need to talk to a professional to get through this and I'm sure between that and time passing things will get better, but right now the only analogy that comes to mind of how I'm existing is the scene in the first Avenger's movie where the Hulk says "That's my secret...I'm always angry." I feel like that but with my grief. There isn't a second that if I let myself I couldn't turn in to a fucking puddle.
With that said, whether it's vulnerability or stupidity. Here is a picture of me and my family from my son's 4th birthday last year. She had her mastectomy at the end of May (she's wearing a wig but that's what her hair looked like) and this was in the few months we were able to enjoy before her cancer came back. She has countdowns for their birthdays on her phone that any time I open it I have to see the days left on goals she'll never meet.
Also- Yes, they are gingers.
- 65
- 8
- 6
