Terrible Jokes Thread

Hamsteroceros_sl

shitlord
82
0
An old favorite:

How did the mother from <insert arch-rival state/area/country> know her daughter was on her period?

She could taste it on the dog's dick.
 

Wuyley_sl

shitlord
1,443
13
Carl messed up and really upset his wife a day before her birthday.

She said," Carl, I want something that will go from 0 - 60 REALLY FAST when I step on it,tomorrow or else its over!"

The next day there was a huge box in the driveway. When Carl's wife lifted up the box there was only a bathroom scale underneath.

Carl has been missing for weeks
 

ronne

Nǐ hǎo, yǒu jīn zi ma?
7,901
7,046
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
 

TecKnoe

Molten Core Raider
3,182
51
what the fuck is the op, is that a short story or one long fucking joke.

im assuming a faggot= poof
 

Quineloe

Ahn'Qiraj Raider
6,978
4,463
Frank and Jose live next to each other in identical halves of a double house. One day Jose says to Frank "My half is worth more than yours". He replies "Why's that?" and Jose says "I don't live next to a Mexican"
 

wanand

Bronze Knight of the Realm
281
28
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated
him out of $10,000,000.00.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the
first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would
therefore never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10
million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The
Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says,
"Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the courage to pull the trigger."
 

wanand

Bronze Knight of the Realm
281
28
The government have announced they are blocking access to online pornography. What's this country coming to?

All the girls in the club were fed up with my cheesy lines. I probably shouldn't have smuggled the coke in under my foreskin.
 

Balroc

Molten Core Raider
1,064
229
what's a word that begins with N and ends with R and it's something you would never want to call a black person?

neighbor.

gotta give credit where credit is due though. i read this joke back on foh and i think it was kegkilla who wrote it so props to him because it's probably the best one i've ever heard.
 

Tanoomba

ジョーディーすれいやー
<Banned>
10,170
1,439
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. She politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay, " says the lawyer, "your turn".

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says "Thank you" and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
 

Ichu

Molten Core Raider
845
278
Ahhh it's funny because she's a blonde, and she outsmarted a lawyer!
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