A truck full of bowling balls is driving through a town in the middle of alabama, and runs into a low bridge, spilling its contents all over the road. People start running out of their houses and start beating the fuck out of the bowling balls with their hammers. The truck driver goes up to one and says "Hey! What the fuk are you all doing?" The guy replies "you gotta get them ni&%er eggs before they hatch"
Terrible Jokes Thread
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Hoss
Make America's Team Great Again
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Some racist jokes. I'll post some clean ones later. If anyone has some good white jokes, I'd like to hear them.
How long does it take a black woman to shit? 9 months.
An out of state hunter walks in to a small diner in Alabama. The waitress seats him and takes his order. She then asked if he was a hunter. The man replied yes I am. After the waitress brought his order she asked if he had shot his two American Inventors yet. The man was stunned and asked what she was talking about. She then explained that the state legislature decided that there were too many American Inventors and decided that anyone with a valid hunting license could shoot two American Inventors that year. Well the hunter paid no attention to it and went on with his business. Later on at the sporting goods store the cashier asked if he had shot his two American Inventors yet. The man paid no attention to it again and left the store headed for the field. As he was driving down the road he noticed a truck hauling watermelons had overturned and the driver was trying to fight off a hoard of American Inventors. He thought to himself what the hell it's only a couple of American Inventors, and it'll help the working fella out. So he stopped got out of his truck, took aim shot twice and nailed two of the American Inventors. All of the sudden here came the game warden with his lights and sirens on. And the hunter thought oh shit what have I done. The game warden got out of his truck and said what the fuck do you think you are doing. So the hunter explained what he had been told and the game warden said, "Yeah, you can shoot two American Inventors with a valid hunting license but you can't use bait!"
What do they call a Negro nuclear physicist in Alabama?
American Inventor!
A sheriff in alabama coems up on a scene where a black man is hogtied hanging from a tree. he's got 30 gunshot wounds, over a hundred knife wounds and there's a charred cross underneath him. The sheriff calls it the worst case of suicide he's ever seen.
Same sheriff is called out because they find the corpse of a black man at the bottom of a lake chained to concrete blocks from a nearby construction site. The sheriff says, "Just like a American Inventor to steal more than he can swim with"
Man walks into a bar, pulls a 12 inch doll out of his pocket, and sets it on the bar. He calls the bartender over and orders a beer for himself and a thimble full of beer for his friend. The bartender says he'll get him a beer, but he's not serving some fucking doll. The man says it's not a doll, that this is his best friend. The bartender says fine, if he's your friend then make him move and the round's on me, otherwise get the fuck out. So the guy says, wave hello to the man frank, and the doll waves his arm. Once they finish their drink, the guy orders another round, and the bartender says, hey, if you can make that thing stand up, I'll buy ya another round. So the doll gets up and dances a little jig and they enjoy another free drink. When they finish, the guy orders another round and this time the bartneder asks if the thing can talk. "Sure, he can talk", says the guy. The bartender says "if you make him talk, you'll drink free all night" so the guy turns to the doll and says "Hey frank, why don't you tell him about the time we were in new orleans and you told that voodoo priestess that she weren't nuthin but a stupid American Inventor"
Guy walks into a police station, goes up to the receptionist and says, "I don't know who I'm supposed to tell, but I feel like this needs to be reported to someone". She asks what happened. The guy says "Well, I'm haulin a backhoe on a gooseneck, and about 5 miles up the county road there, I was coming around a turn and there was a busload of American Inventors comin around the turn the other way. And well, they saw me at the last minute, but they was goin too fast and they lost control, and rolled off the road and every one of them died." The receptionist says "Oh My goodness, what did you do?" The guy replies, "Well, I didn't have any way of calling anyone and I didn't know the area so I didn't know if I'd be able to find anyone anytime soon, so I did the only thing I could think of. I unloaded the backhoe, dug a hole and buried them in it. Bus and all. To keep the animals from eatin them, you know. If you want, I can draw you a map to where they are." The receptionist was horrified and while she got out a map for him to mark up, she asked, "Are you sure they were all dead?" He replied, "Oh Yes ma'am. I even opened up the door and asked if they was all dead. Sure, a couple of em said they wasn't, but you know how American Inventors lie"
How long does it take a black woman to shit? 9 months.
An out of state hunter walks in to a small diner in Alabama. The waitress seats him and takes his order. She then asked if he was a hunter. The man replied yes I am. After the waitress brought his order she asked if he had shot his two American Inventors yet. The man was stunned and asked what she was talking about. She then explained that the state legislature decided that there were too many American Inventors and decided that anyone with a valid hunting license could shoot two American Inventors that year. Well the hunter paid no attention to it and went on with his business. Later on at the sporting goods store the cashier asked if he had shot his two American Inventors yet. The man paid no attention to it again and left the store headed for the field. As he was driving down the road he noticed a truck hauling watermelons had overturned and the driver was trying to fight off a hoard of American Inventors. He thought to himself what the hell it's only a couple of American Inventors, and it'll help the working fella out. So he stopped got out of his truck, took aim shot twice and nailed two of the American Inventors. All of the sudden here came the game warden with his lights and sirens on. And the hunter thought oh shit what have I done. The game warden got out of his truck and said what the fuck do you think you are doing. So the hunter explained what he had been told and the game warden said, "Yeah, you can shoot two American Inventors with a valid hunting license but you can't use bait!"
What do they call a Negro nuclear physicist in Alabama?
American Inventor!
A sheriff in alabama coems up on a scene where a black man is hogtied hanging from a tree. he's got 30 gunshot wounds, over a hundred knife wounds and there's a charred cross underneath him. The sheriff calls it the worst case of suicide he's ever seen.
Same sheriff is called out because they find the corpse of a black man at the bottom of a lake chained to concrete blocks from a nearby construction site. The sheriff says, "Just like a American Inventor to steal more than he can swim with"
Man walks into a bar, pulls a 12 inch doll out of his pocket, and sets it on the bar. He calls the bartender over and orders a beer for himself and a thimble full of beer for his friend. The bartender says he'll get him a beer, but he's not serving some fucking doll. The man says it's not a doll, that this is his best friend. The bartender says fine, if he's your friend then make him move and the round's on me, otherwise get the fuck out. So the guy says, wave hello to the man frank, and the doll waves his arm. Once they finish their drink, the guy orders another round, and the bartender says, hey, if you can make that thing stand up, I'll buy ya another round. So the doll gets up and dances a little jig and they enjoy another free drink. When they finish, the guy orders another round and this time the bartneder asks if the thing can talk. "Sure, he can talk", says the guy. The bartender says "if you make him talk, you'll drink free all night" so the guy turns to the doll and says "Hey frank, why don't you tell him about the time we were in new orleans and you told that voodoo priestess that she weren't nuthin but a stupid American Inventor"
Guy walks into a police station, goes up to the receptionist and says, "I don't know who I'm supposed to tell, but I feel like this needs to be reported to someone". She asks what happened. The guy says "Well, I'm haulin a backhoe on a gooseneck, and about 5 miles up the county road there, I was coming around a turn and there was a busload of American Inventors comin around the turn the other way. And well, they saw me at the last minute, but they was goin too fast and they lost control, and rolled off the road and every one of them died." The receptionist says "Oh My goodness, what did you do?" The guy replies, "Well, I didn't have any way of calling anyone and I didn't know the area so I didn't know if I'd be able to find anyone anytime soon, so I did the only thing I could think of. I unloaded the backhoe, dug a hole and buried them in it. Bus and all. To keep the animals from eatin them, you know. If you want, I can draw you a map to where they are." The receptionist was horrified and while she got out a map for him to mark up, she asked, "Are you sure they were all dead?" He replied, "Oh Yes ma'am. I even opened up the door and asked if they was all dead. Sure, a couple of em said they wasn't, but you know how American Inventors lie"
Uber Uberest
rdr^2
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Did you guys know Oprah and Barack Obama had the same nickname in high school?
American Inventor.
American Inventor.
SimSimSalabim
Molten Core Raider
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Guy is driving down the road and, distracted, runs into a pair of African American men. One crashes through the windshield and the other gets knock 30 feet away from the vehicle. Police show up to the scene and the man asks "Well what are we going to do about this?" The officer responds "Well I suppose we'll get one for breaking and entering and the other for leaving the scene of an accident."
Hoss
Make America's Team Great Again
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A cowboy, an indian, and a black man are sitting around a campfire.
The indian says, "Once, my people were many. Now we are few"
The black man says, "yeah, well, once my people wuz few, and now we'ze many"
The cowboy looks them both over, then fixes his gaze on the black man and says, "That's cause we aint played cowboys and American Inventors yet"
The indian says, "Once, my people were many. Now we are few"
The black man says, "yeah, well, once my people wuz few, and now we'ze many"
The cowboy looks them both over, then fixes his gaze on the black man and says, "That's cause we aint played cowboys and American Inventors yet"
Aaron
Goonsquad Officer
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I heard a variation on this joke once:
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "If I show you something truly amazing, will you give me a free beer?" The bartender had seen some shit in his day, but said: "Well, it will have to be something I have never seen before." So the guy pulls out a tiny little guy along with a tiny little grand piano. The little guy sits at the piano and plays a tune. The bartender was utterly amazed and gave the guy a free beer and asked him how he got it. So the guy pulls out a genie's lamp and said, I got it from here, give it a go. So the bartender rubs the lamp and out pops a genie. The genie says to the bartender: "I will grant you one wish, and one wish only!" In a hurry the bartender blurted out: "I want a hundred bucks!". POOF! The genie disappeared into the lamp and 100 quacking ducks materialized in the bar and started to quack and shit all over the place. The angry bartender shouted at the man: "I didn't ask for this, I wanted a hundred bucks!" The man calmly looked at him and replied: "Well, you see, the genie is a bit deaf. I mean, you seriously expect that I would have wished for a 12" pianist?"
Another genie joke:
Three guys were trapped on a desert island. After months of waiting for rescue they started to explore the island, and one day they found a lamp. Not expecting much, but desperate for hope, they gave the lamp a rub and lo and behold a genie popped out. "For freeing me from that prison that I have been trapped in for thousands of years I will grant each of you one wish!" The first guy said without hesitation: "I wish I were home again with my friends and my family!" POOF! He disappeared! The second guy said right after that: "I too wish I were home again with my friends and family!" POOF! He was gone! The third guy look around and said sadly: "It's mighty lonely here now. I wish my two friends were back here with me!" POOF! POOF!
Hoss
Make America's Team Great Again
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A man is walking along the beach and he trips on a magic lamp, he polishes it off and a genie comes out.
"I will grant you one wish" says the genie.
The man thinks for a while and he says, "You know, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I've been too scared to fly on a plane, and boats always make me seasick, so I want you to make a bridge to Hawaii."
The genie replies, "Are You Crazy!?!? That would be almost impossible, do you know how deep the ocean is, that would be such a long drive, and the techtonic plates! No. It just isn't structurally possible. Make another wish"
The guys thinks again and then he says, "I've had plenty of relationships but I could never make them last more than a few months, I just don't understand women. I wish I could understand women."
Then genie looks pensive for a while and finally says, "Do you want that bridge to have two lanes or four?"
"I will grant you one wish" says the genie.
The man thinks for a while and he says, "You know, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I've been too scared to fly on a plane, and boats always make me seasick, so I want you to make a bridge to Hawaii."
The genie replies, "Are You Crazy!?!? That would be almost impossible, do you know how deep the ocean is, that would be such a long drive, and the techtonic plates! No. It just isn't structurally possible. Make another wish"
The guys thinks again and then he says, "I've had plenty of relationships but I could never make them last more than a few months, I just don't understand women. I wish I could understand women."
Then genie looks pensive for a while and finally says, "Do you want that bridge to have two lanes or four?"
Hoss
Make America's Team Great Again
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God came to Adam and told him he was going to make him a companion. It would be a perfect companion, one who would care for him, one who would be good at all the things Adam was not good at, one that would not be argumentative and be easy to get along with, one with whom he could split the work evenly. There was only one catch, it was going to cost him an arm and a leg. Adam thought about it carefully and finally asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
One day God came to visit Adam in the Garden of Eden. He asked where Eve was, and Adam told him she was in the river bathing. God said, "Me Dammit! Now I'll never get the smell out of those fish!"
One day God came to visit Adam in the Garden of Eden. He asked where Eve was, and Adam told him she was in the river bathing. God said, "Me Dammit! Now I'll never get the smell out of those fish!"
Some dyslexia jokes:
1. What does D.N.A stand for? National Association of dyslexics.
2. Dyslexics of the world, untie!
3. If life hands you melons, you may be dyslexic...
1. What does D.N.A stand for? National Association of dyslexics.
2. Dyslexics of the world, untie!
3. If life hands you melons, you may be dyslexic...
Did you hear that Henry Winkler, actor that played the Fonze, died? He died of AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIDS.
Hoss
Make America's Team Great Again
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A Mountie pulled a car over on the Trans Canada about 2 miles south of Duncan. When the Mountie asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver explained that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Victoria to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and he didn't want to be late.
The Mountie told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the Mountie that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Mountie told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler stated that he could, so the Mountie got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car and a drunken good old boy, driving through from Port Alberni got out and briefly watched the performance. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The Mountie observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, 'You might as well take me to jail, cause there's no fuckin` way I can pass that sobriety test.'
==========================
A guy is speeding down the highway. As he crosses a bridge, he sees a mountie on the other side and slams on his brakes, but he's not quick enough, and he gets pulled over.
The cop asks, "What seems ot be the hurry son?"
The guy says, "Well, I work at the hospital, and I'm late for work."
The mountie asks, "Oh yeah? What do ya do at the hospital?"
The guy says, "I'm a rectum stretcher"
The mountie goes, "What?! A rectum stretcher? What the heck is that?"
The guy replies, "Well, I stretch rectums, just like it sounds. I start off with just a finger, then I use 2, and spread it as far as I can. Then I get the stretching calipers, and when I get enough room, I put both of my hands in, and spread it as wide as I can go, until we have a 6 foot wide asshole. It takes pretty much an entire shift to do it, which is why I'm in a hurry. I have a date tonight, and I don't want to work late."
The mountie had stopped writing the ticket and was staring at the speeder in disbelief. He finally spoke up and asked, "What do ya do with a 6 foot asshole?"
The guy responded, "You put him at the bottom of a bridge with a radar gun and have him write tickets."
==================================
A man was driving along in his beat up old dodge, when suddenly it broke down in the middle of nowhere. He was parked on the side of the road trying fix it, when a Jaguar pulled up and offered to help. After a few minutes the two men obviously weren't going to get the old car going again, so the Jaguar driver offered to tow the Dodge to the nearest garage. A few minutes later the two had tied the bumers of the two cars together, and they agreed that if the dodge driver needed anything or saw a problem, he would just flash his lights to get the man in the jag to stop.
With that the two men got into their cars and headed out. About 30 minutes later, they hit a traffic light, and a mustang pulled up beside the Jaguar and started to rev his engine provocatively. The jag driver had forgotten all about the dodge he was towing, so when the light changed, they both hit the gas and, before long they were racing at over 150 mph. As the cars speed along, they passed through a speed trap.
The officer got on his radio and said, "Holy shit! You aint gunna believe what I just saw!"
The officer said, "I just had a Ferrari and a Mustang race by here going 150 MPH and they were still picking up speed"
The dispatcher said, "Well, go stop whichever one ya can, and we'll send another unit to catch the other guy. What's so hard to believe about that?"
The officer replied, "Thats not the half of it. There was a fella in a beat up old dodge riding their asses just a flashin his lights and a blowin his horn tryin to get around!"
==================================
A mountie pulls over an old farmer for speeding. As he is writing the ticket, the mountie keeps stopping to swat at insects.
The farmer says, "Havin trouble with them circle flies, eh?"
The mountie goes, "Yeah I guess so. Is that what ya call them? Circle Flies?"
The farmer replies, "Yup, don't know the proper name, but thats what we call em on account of them always circling around the hind ends of our horses."
The mountie says, "I see" then he stops for a second and goes, "Hang on there fella, are you callin me a horse's ass?"
The farmer replies, "Oh no officer, I would never do that! On account of me havin too much respect for the law. No sir, i really appreciate what you boys do to keep us safe"
The Mountie nods and goes, "Ok then"
Then the farmer adds, "But ... its kinda hard to argue with them flies."
========================
'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional Nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then,' Tuco said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, loudly, then fell laughing to the floor, crying/laughing hysterically, unable to catch her breath.
Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and re gain her composure.
Clearing her throat and being serious, she felt awful. 'I am so sorry,' said the nurse. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'
'...It's swollen,' Tuco replied
======================
And finally, this one was reported to have been Ronald Reagan's favorite joke.
A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three legged chicken running down the road. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while, as he was driving he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph. Pretty fast chicken, he thought, I wonder just how fast it can run. So he sped up and the chicken did too! They were now moving along the road at 45 mph! The man in the car sped up again, to his surprise the chicken was still running ahead of him at 60 mph!!!
Suddenly the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard with dozens of three legged chickens. The man in the car called out to the farmer "How did you get all these three legged chickens?"
The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya see it's me, my wife and my son living here and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece."
"That's amazing!" said the driver "How do they taste?"
"Don't rightly know, I ain't caught one yet!"
The Mountie told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the Mountie that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Mountie told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler stated that he could, so the Mountie got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car and a drunken good old boy, driving through from Port Alberni got out and briefly watched the performance. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The Mountie observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, 'You might as well take me to jail, cause there's no fuckin` way I can pass that sobriety test.'
==========================
A guy is speeding down the highway. As he crosses a bridge, he sees a mountie on the other side and slams on his brakes, but he's not quick enough, and he gets pulled over.
The cop asks, "What seems ot be the hurry son?"
The guy says, "Well, I work at the hospital, and I'm late for work."
The mountie asks, "Oh yeah? What do ya do at the hospital?"
The guy says, "I'm a rectum stretcher"
The mountie goes, "What?! A rectum stretcher? What the heck is that?"
The guy replies, "Well, I stretch rectums, just like it sounds. I start off with just a finger, then I use 2, and spread it as far as I can. Then I get the stretching calipers, and when I get enough room, I put both of my hands in, and spread it as wide as I can go, until we have a 6 foot wide asshole. It takes pretty much an entire shift to do it, which is why I'm in a hurry. I have a date tonight, and I don't want to work late."
The mountie had stopped writing the ticket and was staring at the speeder in disbelief. He finally spoke up and asked, "What do ya do with a 6 foot asshole?"
The guy responded, "You put him at the bottom of a bridge with a radar gun and have him write tickets."
==================================
A man was driving along in his beat up old dodge, when suddenly it broke down in the middle of nowhere. He was parked on the side of the road trying fix it, when a Jaguar pulled up and offered to help. After a few minutes the two men obviously weren't going to get the old car going again, so the Jaguar driver offered to tow the Dodge to the nearest garage. A few minutes later the two had tied the bumers of the two cars together, and they agreed that if the dodge driver needed anything or saw a problem, he would just flash his lights to get the man in the jag to stop.
With that the two men got into their cars and headed out. About 30 minutes later, they hit a traffic light, and a mustang pulled up beside the Jaguar and started to rev his engine provocatively. The jag driver had forgotten all about the dodge he was towing, so when the light changed, they both hit the gas and, before long they were racing at over 150 mph. As the cars speed along, they passed through a speed trap.
The officer got on his radio and said, "Holy shit! You aint gunna believe what I just saw!"
The officer said, "I just had a Ferrari and a Mustang race by here going 150 MPH and they were still picking up speed"
The dispatcher said, "Well, go stop whichever one ya can, and we'll send another unit to catch the other guy. What's so hard to believe about that?"
The officer replied, "Thats not the half of it. There was a fella in a beat up old dodge riding their asses just a flashin his lights and a blowin his horn tryin to get around!"
==================================
A mountie pulls over an old farmer for speeding. As he is writing the ticket, the mountie keeps stopping to swat at insects.
The farmer says, "Havin trouble with them circle flies, eh?"
The mountie goes, "Yeah I guess so. Is that what ya call them? Circle Flies?"
The farmer replies, "Yup, don't know the proper name, but thats what we call em on account of them always circling around the hind ends of our horses."
The mountie says, "I see" then he stops for a second and goes, "Hang on there fella, are you callin me a horse's ass?"
The farmer replies, "Oh no officer, I would never do that! On account of me havin too much respect for the law. No sir, i really appreciate what you boys do to keep us safe"
The Mountie nods and goes, "Ok then"
Then the farmer adds, "But ... its kinda hard to argue with them flies."
========================
'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional Nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then,' Tuco said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, loudly, then fell laughing to the floor, crying/laughing hysterically, unable to catch her breath.
Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and re gain her composure.
Clearing her throat and being serious, she felt awful. 'I am so sorry,' said the nurse. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'
'...It's swollen,' Tuco replied
======================
And finally, this one was reported to have been Ronald Reagan's favorite joke.
A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three legged chicken running down the road. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while, as he was driving he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph. Pretty fast chicken, he thought, I wonder just how fast it can run. So he sped up and the chicken did too! They were now moving along the road at 45 mph! The man in the car sped up again, to his surprise the chicken was still running ahead of him at 60 mph!!!
Suddenly the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard with dozens of three legged chickens. The man in the car called out to the farmer "How did you get all these three legged chickens?"
The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya see it's me, my wife and my son living here and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece."
"That's amazing!" said the driver "How do they taste?"
"Don't rightly know, I ain't caught one yet!"
I went to get a pizza tonight, they normally cut them into eight slices. I told them to cut mine into six slices because I probably couldn't eat eight. When she gave me my change it reminded me of a joke: Copper wire was invented when two Jews were fighting over a penny.