Terrible Jokes Thread

During the christmas period, a girl takes home her boyfriend for the first time. He gets to meet the parents, they have dinner, and all is going well. After the dinner, the couple goes back home. The parents are watching them drive away when the father says to his wife: 'Nice guy, but it looks like he peed his name in the snow in our front yard.' The mother replies: 'Yeah, not only that, but he did it in our daughters handwriting too!'.

Three turtles decide to have a picnic. After packing their food, and drinks, and supplies, they head off. The picnic grounds are quite far away, and, being turtles. it takes them days and days reach the park. Finally, they arrive at the picnic site. After spreading their blanket and unpacking all the goodies, one of the turtles prepares to crack a cold beer, and notices that something is missing.

"Bob, where's the bottle opener," Carl asks.
"Don't ask me, I though Pete brought it. Pete, where's the bottle opener?"
"Don't look at me, you were supposed to bring it!"

So, the turtles argue furiously over who was supposed to have brought the bottle opener. Exhausted, they finally draw straws to see who has to go back for the bottle opener. Carl loses.

"If I go, you'll eat all the food! It will take me a week to walk each way. By the time I get back, there won't be anything left for me!"

Pete and Bob promise Carl that they will wait for him to return. The turtles argue for hours with Pete and Bob swearing to wait for Carl before eating. Finally, Carl agrees but he isn't very happy about it. It's getting dark and they don't want to wait any longer, so Carl sets off while Bob and Pete pack everything back up.

Ten days pass, and Bob and Pete keep their promise to Carl. Then fifteen days pass, and sixteen, then twenty. Bob and Pete are VERY hungry but they have made a promise to Carl and they want to keep it. Finally, after over a month of waiting for Carl to return, Pete and Bob realize that he isn't coming back. Reluctantly, they open the picnic basket and start to spread out the food.

Just as Bob takes a bite from his sandwich, Carl steps out from behind a bush and yells, "I knew it! I'm not fucking going!

A hooded, armed robber bursts into the Bank of Italy and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot, one brave customer grabs the robber's hood and pulls it off, revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy dead without hesitation!

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. He sees one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber walks over and calmly shoots him dead.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

"Dida anyone elsa seea my face?" calls the robber.

There follows a tense minute of silence.

An elderly Italian gentleman, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I thinka my wife caught a glimpse."

What has 9 letters and makes everyone mad?

So it was Saturday night and I had no date and decided to drop in at the bar to get drunk and hopefully a girl to get laid with. As I started downing a few shots I noticed this hot looking mature lady ( must be in her 50s) sitting all alone at a corner table getting drunk and this thought came to mind that if she looks so hot for her age then she must be having a hot looking daughter as well and wish I could have a threesome with them. So I went to her table and asked her if I could join and to my delight she said yes. I chatted her up and next thing I know we caught a taxi and proceeded to her home. In the taxi I told her about my fantasy of having a threesome with a mother daughter combo and to my delight she felt it was a great idea and so we reached her home and as we entered she let out a shout,"Mom you still awake?"

There's this doctor that gives free circumcisions. He gets asked, "If you do it for free, how do you put food on the table?"

The doc says, "I keep the tips."

So my wife said "take off my shirt."
So I did as she said and took off her shirt.
Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I continued and took off her skirt.
"Take off my shoes." Once again, I did as she said and I took off her shoes.
"Now my hose, bra, and panties." And lastly, I took them off.
Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

Two men are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "That window is magic. To prove it, I'll jump out." He jumps, much to the other man's horror, and plummets 20 floors only to stop and float gently back up. "Amazing, huh? Why don't you try?" The other man is dubious, but eventually decides to jump. He plummets 30 floors and smacks into the pavement. The first man is in hysterics. "You know," says the bartender, "you're a real prick when you're drunk, Superman."