Terrible Jokes Thread

Gnomedolf

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During the christmas period, a girl takes home her boyfriend for the first time. He gets to meet the parents, they have dinner, and all is going well. After the dinner, the couple goes back home. The parents are watching them drive away when the father says to his wife: 'Nice guy, but it looks like he peed his name in the snow in our front yard.' The mother replies: 'Yeah, not only that, but he did it in our daughters handwriting too!'.
 

Gnomedolf

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Three turtles decide to have a picnic. After packing their food, and drinks, and supplies, they head off. The picnic grounds are quite far away, and, being turtles. it takes them days and days reach the park. Finally, they arrive at the picnic site. After spreading their blanket and unpacking all the goodies, one of the turtles prepares to crack a cold beer, and notices that something is missing.

"Bob, where's the bottle opener," Carl asks.
"Don't ask me, I though Pete brought it. Pete, where's the bottle opener?"
"Don't look at me, you were supposed to bring it!"

So, the turtles argue furiously over who was supposed to have brought the bottle opener. Exhausted, they finally draw straws to see who has to go back for the bottle opener. Carl loses.

"If I go, you'll eat all the food! It will take me a week to walk each way. By the time I get back, there won't be anything left for me!"

Pete and Bob promise Carl that they will wait for him to return. The turtles argue for hours with Pete and Bob swearing to wait for Carl before eating. Finally, Carl agrees but he isn't very happy about it. It's getting dark and they don't want to wait any longer, so Carl sets off while Bob and Pete pack everything back up.

Ten days pass, and Bob and Pete keep their promise to Carl. Then fifteen days pass, and sixteen, then twenty. Bob and Pete are VERY hungry but they have made a promise to Carl and they want to keep it. Finally, after over a month of waiting for Carl to return, Pete and Bob realize that he isn't coming back. Reluctantly, they open the picnic basket and start to spread out the food.

Just as Bob takes a bite from his sandwich, Carl steps out from behind a bush and yells, "I knew it! I'm not fucking going!
 

Wuyley_sl

shitlord
1,443
13
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him.
And during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?
Tarzan not know sex he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said ....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.
Horrified Jane said,Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
Here she said, pointing to her privates,you must put it in here.
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed What did you do that for?
Tarzan replied, Check for squirrel.
 

Wuyley_sl

shitlord
1,443
13
Employee : Sir, you called me?
Boss : Yeah, I need you to go to the rest room and masturbate.
Employee : (After a few minutes) Done, sir. Anything else that you'd like me to do?
Boss : Do it again.
Employee : (after a few minutes) Done again, sir. Anything else?
Boss : Do it once more.
Employee : I'm really sorry sir, but I don't have any stamina left now. I can't do it anymore.
Boss : Very good, here are my car keys, drop my daughter home.
 

Hoss

Make America's Team Great Again
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Heaven is a place where the police are English; the chefs are Italian; the car
mechanics are German; the lovers are French and it's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is a place where the police are German; the chefs are English the car mechanics are French the
lovers are Swiss and it's all organized by the Italians.

==============
Two blonde truck drivers are barreling along whe n they come up to a low bridge. A sign says, "Clearance: 11"2'." So they get out, measure their truck, and realize that it's 11"6'.

So the first blonde looks at the second one and says, "I don't see any cops around....let's go for it!"
 

Quineloe

Ahn'Qiraj Raider
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4,464
So an Italian, a Frenchman and a German decide to build a drone together

Italian: I will engineer it!
Frenchman: I will fund it!
German: I will win a war with it!
 

Genjiro

Ahn'Qiraj Raider
5,218
5,066
For adam12:

Whats a word that starts with N and ends with R you never wanna call a black person?

Neighbor.



How does a black woman tell she's pregnant?


When she pulls her tampon out the cotton is already picked.


What do most American Inventors do after sex?

15 to life.

Where is the best place to hide a American Inventors food stamps?

Under their work boots.
 

Gnomedolf

<Silver Donator>
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A hooded, armed robber bursts into the Bank of Italy and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot, one brave customer grabs the robber's hood and pulls it off, revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy dead without hesitation!

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. He sees one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber walks over and calmly shoots him dead.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

"Dida anyone elsa seea my face?" calls the robber.

There follows a tense minute of silence.

An elderly Italian gentleman, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I thinka my wife caught a glimpse."
 

Hoss

Make America's Team Great Again
<Gold Donor>
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I love it. Italians in italy speaking english with bad italian accents. That joke is only half as funny without the bad accents.
 

Araxen

Golden Baronet of the Realm
10,437
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A little boy goes to his dad and asks:
'Dad, what's Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see s his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy say's to his father,
'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies,
'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'
 

Gnomedolf

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So it was Saturday night and I had no date and decided to drop in at the bar to get drunk and hopefully a girl to get laid with. As I started downing a few shots I noticed this hot looking mature lady ( must be in her 50s) sitting all alone at a corner table getting drunk and this thought came to mind that if she looks so hot for her age then she must be having a hot looking daughter as well and wish I could have a threesome with them. So I went to her table and asked her if I could join and to my delight she said yes. I chatted her up and next thing I know we caught a taxi and proceeded to her home. In the taxi I told her about my fantasy of having a threesome with a mother daughter combo and to my delight she felt it was a great idea and so we reached her home and as we entered she let out a shout,"Mom you still awake?"
 

Tanoomba

ジョーディーすれいやー
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Oh, come on, that was by far his best one yet. I actually laughed.
 

Gnomedolf

<Silver Donator>
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There's this doctor that gives free circumcisions. He gets asked, "If you do it for free, how do you put food on the table?"

The doc says, "I keep the tips."
 

Gnomedolf

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So my wife said "take off my shirt."
So I did as she said and took off her shirt.
Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I continued and took off her skirt.
"Take off my shoes." Once again, I did as she said and I took off her shoes.
"Now my hose, bra, and panties." And lastly, I took them off.
Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."
 

Gnomedolf

<Silver Donator>
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Two men are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "That window is magic. To prove it, I'll jump out." He jumps, much to the other man's horror, and plummets 20 floors only to stop and float gently back up. "Amazing, huh? Why don't you try?" The other man is dubious, but eventually decides to jump. He plummets 30 floors and smacks into the pavement. The first man is in hysterics. "You know," says the bartender, "you're a real prick when you're drunk, Superman."