Terrible Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Gravel
- Start date
A city slicker wanted to buy a farm. He found just what he was looking for. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.
He told the farmer that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.
The farmer assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the city slicker would have no part of it.
Finally, the farmer made an offer.
The city slicker would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for FREE. The city slicker thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.
An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor city slicker slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung.
The city fella looked up and weakly said, "No... the bees never touched me
- but doesn't that calf have a mother !?!"
He told the farmer that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.
The farmer assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the city slicker would have no part of it.
Finally, the farmer made an offer.
The city slicker would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for FREE. The city slicker thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.
An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor city slicker slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung.
The city fella looked up and weakly said, "No... the bees never touched me
- but doesn't that calf have a mother !?!"
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Bob feared his wife Jan wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss
the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her,
and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not,
go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the
den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife
and repeats, 'Jan, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife
and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's
for dinner?'
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Jan, what's for dinner?'
'For Heaven's sake, Bob , for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'
thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss
the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her,
and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not,
go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the
den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife
and repeats, 'Jan, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife
and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's
for dinner?'
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Jan, what's for dinner?'
'For Heaven's sake, Bob , for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'
moonarchia
The Scientific Shitlord
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A hunter and a priest are walking through the woods. Suddenly they see a cute bunny rabbit. The hunter reaches for his rifle, aims, and shoots. "God dammit, missed again!" he shouts. The priest replies: "Please don't swear, God will punish you." The hunter just shrugs and walks on.
Later, they see a deer in the distance. The hunter grabs his rifle, aims, and shoots. The deer runs off, and the hunter shouts: "God dammit, missed again!". The priest says: "I'm serious, don't swear, God will punish you."
After some more hiking they see a wild boar. Once again, the hunter grabs his gun, aims, and shoots. His aim is off, and he shouts: "God dammit, missed again!". The priest says: "Don't swear like that! The Bible says that God's punishment is swift!"
Just as he's finishing his sentence, a lightning bolt comes down from the clear sky and zaps the priest. There's nothing left of him but a pile of ashes. Startled, the hunter looks up... and he suddenly hears a booming voice coming from the heavens: "GOD DAMMIT, MISSED AGAIN!"
Later, they see a deer in the distance. The hunter grabs his rifle, aims, and shoots. The deer runs off, and the hunter shouts: "God dammit, missed again!". The priest says: "I'm serious, don't swear, God will punish you."
After some more hiking they see a wild boar. Once again, the hunter grabs his gun, aims, and shoots. His aim is off, and he shouts: "God dammit, missed again!". The priest says: "Don't swear like that! The Bible says that God's punishment is swift!"
Just as he's finishing his sentence, a lightning bolt comes down from the clear sky and zaps the priest. There's nothing left of him but a pile of ashes. Startled, the hunter looks up... and he suddenly hears a booming voice coming from the heavens: "GOD DAMMIT, MISSED AGAIN!"
A Jew, an Irishman, and a black man are in a maternity ward waiting room. The nurse walks in and explains that there's been a terrible mix up with the babies, and that the fathers are going to have to figure out amongst themselves which baby belongs to whom. The Irishman springs up out of his chair and volunteers to go first.
A few minutes later the Irishman returns holding a newborn black-skinned baby in his arms.
The black man shouts in anger "Now, I KNOW that baby is MINE!" to which the Irishman replies: "One of those babies is Jewish, and I'm not taking any chances!"
A few minutes later the Irishman returns holding a newborn black-skinned baby in his arms.
The black man shouts in anger "Now, I KNOW that baby is MINE!" to which the Irishman replies: "One of those babies is Jewish, and I'm not taking any chances!"
Hoss
Make America's Team Great Again
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My Grandma told me the secret to a long life was to put a little bit of gunpowder in your oatmeal every morning. She started doing it when she was 9 years old and died at the age of 106. She left behind 6 children, 10 grandchildren, 19 great grandchildren, and a 100ft crater where the crematorium used to be.
School teacher was instructing her class on flavor and color and whatnot. She brought in a bag of lifesavers and handed out the orange color to the class and asked them what the flavor was, "orange" they said. She handed out a red color and asked the class, "cherry" they said. She took them for a bit of a spin and handed out another candy with a yellowish color (honey) and asked the class what the flavor was, "not sure","I can't make it out", etc. The class was having a hard time with this one. The teacher started dropping some hints in hopes the class could figure it out. So she says, "Ok, this may taste like something you hear your mom or dad call one another". The class has a bit of a blank stare not sure how to take that comment and then all of a sudden a student yells out, "Oh my god this tastes like asshole".
Badabing
Badabing
Hoss
Make America's Team Great Again
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Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing, I said.
Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me" she said, and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 73 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week."
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.
Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing, I said.
Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me" she said, and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 73 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week."
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.
So i called a Rape Advice Hotline the other day.
Unfortunately, it was only for victims.
My wife was raped by a gang of mimes.
They performed all sorts of unspeakable acts on her.
Unfortunately, it was only for victims.
My wife was raped by a gang of mimes.
They performed all sorts of unspeakable acts on her.
Q: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a lightbulb...
A: You can unscrew a lightbulb...
Evernothing
Bronze Baronet of the Realm
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O.J. goes to court to regain custody of his kids.
The judge asks if he loves his kids. O.J. says, "Hey, they're alive, aren't they?"
The judge asks if he loves his kids. O.J. says, "Hey, they're alive, aren't they?"
Evernothing
Bronze Baronet of the Realm
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