Actually, I will do a more thorough write-up. The movie had its moments. Then, like anything from Warner Bros recently, it shit the bed louder than Ezra Miller eating Taco Bell to prepare for a night out. I'm not going to spoil it; the movie doesn't deserve it.
First, the good. Ewan McGregor does a relatively decent job as the struggling dad. He's a bit too optimistic but tries to keep all the problems to himself.
Anne Hathaway as the mom: good. A completely selfish bitch. Writes a book that essentially details her escape from a life with kids and Ewan. Confides only in people who support her emotional dissonance (the elderly woman). She's forced to confront the fact she's a selfish bitch, especially when Ewan is all "eff this" and walks away after she says "I can handle it, maybe even better than you," yep, way to demasculate the man of the family. Pure 80's nostalgia, right?
Then retardation rears its ugly head.
The son, a completely spineless, whiny bitch. Why spineless? Even though this kid goes up against 'dine-o-sars,' they never force him to confront his fears about family separation or confidence. Instead, they play it off as dumbass decisions, like climbing out the window in the middle of the night to save a dog that clearly doesn't listen. They tried to make you feel like this kid just innocently defends himself, cleverly, by putting a stick in this other kid's younger brother's bike. Later in the movie, for no reason at all, the 'older brother' is stalking the kid after going to find his dog, starts to kick the shit out of him, and before going full George Floyd on Ewan's son, an even MORE spineless, whiny, Elliot Page-ish 10 year old brother in a cast shows up crying in I swear had to be the faggiest voice imaginable. Then, the bully gets up, apologizes, and runs off like it was nothing.
Earlier in the film, you meet Jeanette, an Indian girl looking out her window when the bully was chasing this kid, hiding behind her bushes. She magically reappears later and gets saved by Ewan's son, who decides to become Hawkeye...
Then you meet the sister. It's at this phase you see they are planting a lesbian plotline where the Carl-Sagan worshipping daughter has a moment of sparkle with the Indian kid; the younger brother who just saved her gets all buttchaffed because big sis just vented her pussy aura into the air and saw a twinkle. During the first 15 minutes of the film, they tease this plot between the girl and another blonde chick you don't see until she's jamming to music full blast during a dinosaur invasion and gets chased down by a lizard. But her 'boyfriend' shows up to spend the entire day with her, and the sister is all butt-chaffed, just like her younger bro later when she's trying to dip her fingers into the ole Biryani.
The neighbors are a complete waste. I get that the dinosaurs showed up, but if the expectation is that they were all eaten, well, there's a LOT of property to cover, and it seems only Oak Street contains about 20 houses out of the 500 or so you could potentially have in the area. Some neighbors just randomly appear, only to have a scene, then get killed off immediately.
The ending? Hathaway's character decides to take the kids and Jeanette to find this mysterious 'portal' -- the dog re-appears, saved the boy from stupidly jumping at the wrong time and nearly breaking his leg. Jeanette jumps through first. Then the family jumps through, and they land in some Black Lady's pool, arriving 20 minutes before "Oak Street" is teleported.
Hathaway gets the great idea to call her husband to deliver a pizza. He shows up, the town is teleported, and cut to two years later. You see two Jeanettes running around because she saved her parents (and now there are two kids), so they're all at the picnic. Hathaway doomed herself and the two kids by not sending her husband through the portal. She professed her love for her husband and everything. Except, this is complete shit. You see, Ewan died a man earlier in the film, saving this spineless cunt from getting eaten. The scene in the trailer? Yeah, dude loses his leg, then gets eaten. Instead of letting him be the hero and rationalizing her trauma to realize all the projecting and selfish shit she went through to grow, and the kids endured to deal with their own trauma and family issues? Nah, save Ewan 1.0 and throw out all his character growth, be selfish about what 'you' realized, and move forward in life.
You find out she called their annoying dude neighbor, who now LOVES Hathaway's character. Why? Well, she's a selfish bitch, now she's got a 200% fan in her corner. She saved the elderly woman. Why? 200% fan in her corner to emotionally console her and reframe her book project. They saved the librarian. Why? NO fucking idea. This Asian's only contribution was pointing out that the plant in the old woman's yard couldn't be real because it existed 2 billion years ago. I guess now Hathway has 3 people who will forever worship her. Then the movie ends.
Oh, then there's the issue of the 2-minute+ dinosaur buttfucking scene. NO, this did not need to exist in this film. The dinosaurs were designed to literally do anal as if it were two humans; the bottom dino was gripping the top of the house with its claws like it was enjoying the process a bit too much, and they had several egregious close-ups of the ecstasy on its face. Anyone who said this movie was reminiscent of a Spielberg or old Amblin film from the 80s is a fucking groomer. You don't rate a movie PG-13, then introduce buttsecks as something kids that age would need to see, or have to be explained by their parents. Several 'older' kids in the theatre had parents going nuts asking WTF about this scene. There is no way to play this off as a funny gag. Whoever at Warner Brothers that signed off on this schlock needs to have their hard drive examined.
Overall, 4.5 out of 10 for people dying. 1.5 out of 10 for a selfish woman undermining the masculinity of the man of the family, and the subtle hints of gay through teenage angst and dinosaurs fucking another dinosaur against a house for the lulz.
