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Fuck.

Oops. Was kinda drunk still.

I think I just had someone show interest in me for the first time in my life... and like a retard I did nothing. I need to stop drinking in the middle of the day (morning for me).

Great job! I'm edging closer to 200 every day, myself. Every digit dropped is an accomplishment.

You have to gain weight to lose weight, duh. That's how all the pros do it.

Fuck, and I thought my Red Vines addiction was bad. You fuckers need help.

I just vomited a little.

Fuck these days. Despite all the progress I'm making in other parts of my life, the depression still comes back and makes me feel like utter and total shit. And I still have to go to work tonight. Fuck it all.

I have my first therapy session coming up on the 27th. Just been trying to cope as best as I can until then. And yeah... I've been finding myself feeling pretty strongly about mental health lately (I know, right?). So much so that I'm thinking I might start looking up places I can volunteer...

So yeah. I've been back to the bar a couple times, again. This last weekend, and again last night. Last weekend I was feeling like shit. I'd just had a panic attack at the dragon boat races. Social anxiety is a bitch. Doesn't help when you've also got depression. So I drank a lot. I also...

Yeah. And unfortunately, putting muscle on the ol' upper body has only made them stick out that much more, and it doesn't actually do anything if it's gynecomastia and not just fat. Which is what's happened.

So, it's not cancer, but... I think I'm going to have to talk to my GP about my moobs. I think it may actually be gynecomastia. I've lost a shit ton of weight, but they basically haven't decreased in size. Certainly not proportionally to everything else. And I have had moobs for basically as...

Down to 210. 22 lbs lost since I started this push. 20-25 lbs to my goal. Was also in my first dragon boat race this last weekend. Lots of fun, but holy fuck.

Ugh. Going to have to go to goodwill. Another pant size down.

JFC I'm out of control here. Just asked someone out for the first time in my life. Rejected, but whatever. Still made a friend, though.

I remember coming up with at least a couple dozen surnames for people on my server. Itwasa big deal, and I happened to be good at picking them. I've seen a few people here or there on MMO boards that still use the names.

Today went well... Went to another meetup and... I didn't feel any of that usual crap. Okay, so my legs felt a little jittery going there. But once I was there, nothing. No butterflies. No desire to run. I felt relaxed. I was able to just talk to people. I haven't felt that good in... a...

I also just like Crack Zero.

I just really need the caffeine, working graveyard shift.

Yeah. Cutting out sugared sodas was the only thing I stopped consuming completely. Completely empty, wasted calories. But you can pry the Crack Zero out of my cold, dead hands.

Honestly, it feels a lot like the revelation that spurred me to start losing weight a while back. A shift in thinking. I still have to put it into practice. But now, when I imagine myself getting back out there... I don't see myself running. I don't see failure.

Lookin' good mang.

It's all I eat. I shit the weight away.

My first real Everquest guild. Order of Elder Dragons. Not a hardcore guild. Never in on any world first. Most of us never reached level cap. But goddamn did we have fun. I even remember some of their names. Windam. Deyorra. Arawak. Cresida. Ynaphit. Munz. Minz. Hardail.

So I guess I've never shown the old me vs the new me (-10 lbs. on the new me at this point). Sorry for potato. That's ~450 to 215.

Oh, it's not for the depression. Not really. More for the social anxiety. My whole life, I've been boring. I might have bent rules, here or there, but I never did anything exicting. Or unexpected. I was Bilbo fucking Baggins. Last night was Gandalf knocking on my door with a bottle of...

Fuck. Now I'm feeling conflicted. Maybe getting shitfaced for the first time in my life reallywasgood for me. I'd left my keys with the bartender because I knew going in how bad I wanted to get. After the bender was over, she called me a cab and I got home. Don't remember any of that though...

I remember trying to light something on fire. And the bartender was hot. And puking in their sink. But that's about it. All their "regular" shots were like triples. I had 4 or 5. That didn't help. And yeah, talking about games is so boring, to me. I mean, it's something to do on the...

I just had a really bad day and got blackout drunk for the first time in my life. Now I know why I don't do that. I remember throwing up in the sink at the bar and getting a cab called for me and then... nothing.

Fuck. Sorry, man. I was listening to a podcast today, and they were dealing with depression. Robin Williams came up, of course, and one of the guys made the point of saying that we need to stop saying he died of suicide. He was killed by depression. We need to start seeing it as a real...

The biggest side effects I've been having are sweating and an increase in my nervous tics (my legs bounce if I sit still). Also harder to reach orgasm. But the Os are stronger, so kind of not a bad trade off. I used to have a bit of trouble sleeping, but that's gone away. And hopefully these...

I've found I've been playing fewer and fewer games as I generally feel better. Not out of any conscious effort. I just don't have much desire, anymore. In fact, aside from some flash games during the long, eight hour suck at work (you can only do so much to keep yourself occupied, when there's...

I wish I didn't still have the body of 450 lbs. me. I feel like I'm being mocked by my own moobs. They're a reminder of what I was, and they won't go away, making me feel like all the progress I've made has been for nought.

So my fucking medication kinda stopped working. Felt so bad today, I broke down. I was doing so well, too. Appointment on monday to talk to my GP. Fuck, I was hoping I'd never feel this way again...

Sounds like somoene needs to gtfo.

Ugh. So I had to tell my dad, because I knew he would want to know. He reacted like I'd physically punched him.

Fuck. Saw the man on stage. It was during a tour for an HBO special that I'd unfortunately already seen. But you know what? It didn't fucking matter. The man was such a presence. His energy was enormous. He filled the auditorium, and even though I was basically in the back row, you still felt...

That's hot. Tell me more.

Can't stop me...