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I didn't think McDonals all-day breakfast could disappoint me, but it certainly has. The bacon/egg/cheese bagel is not one of the offerings.

My usage while cord cutting is around 350gb/month.

My girlfriend started using pumpkin spice latte shampoo. Kill me.

My Comcast account page used to say that the 300gb cap is not currently being enforced. It now says 250gb.

Why was the guitarist arrested?

What do you call an abortion in Czechoslovakia?

A Mexican magician said he would disappear on the count of three. He said, "Uno, dos." *POOF* He disappeared without a tres.

What video game would Adolf Hitler play?

No third book, but... http://www.avclub.com/article/kingki...s-basic-226201

What do you get when you insert human DNA into a goat?

Finished season 4. Quality stuff. I hope it gets renewed.

Optical illusion.

The teacher I'm dating now is quite freaky in bed. On our first sexy time night she said she would suck the paint off my house. The paint is still on the house, but my doctor said I stand a couple inches shorter now.

Not necessary. Google Maps talks to me.

The Lions have a coach named Jim Bob Cooter.

We went on a Murder Mystery Dinner Train last night. The couple who shared our table had met on PoF. The guy wouldn't shut the fuck up, and the girl barely said three words. All she would say is, "I'm cold." So what does the guy do? He walks down the train car and finds the thermostat and sets...

A guy goes to a brothel. "Bro, that last chick was hot but I'm still horny as fuck. What can I get with $3? The Bothel Manager says: "Well, We can give you a Chimp." Man takes the chimp into a room & gets down to business. Still unsatisfied, he goes back to the manager. Man: "Hey man, the...

Four college students were having a great time on spring break so they decide to spend an extra week away from class. One of the students calls his professor, and says "prof, we are stuck in Daytona beach. We won't be able to make it back in time for exams because the tire on our car blew. We...

The Wertzone: Cover blurb for the MALAZAN prequel novel DANCER'S LAMENT

A chick for a guy who thinks legs just "get in the way."

The gynecologist had become fed up with his job and decided to change professions. One day after seeing an advertisment for an auto mechanic school on TV, he decided to sign up. The Dr studied very hard and gave it the same level of excelence as he did when practicing medicine. The day of the...

Time will tell. That was the first and only time she's done it. So far (and that I know of).

When I turned down the radio volume to better hear me talk to myself.

I replaced the hard drive and it activated automatically. /shrug

She knelt naked before him, breasts heaving with desperate desire but he just stood there in silence. He didn't know how to talk to girls.

'Smack that bottom,' she demanded, bending over the table. 'Smack it hard!' 'I am,' he said, 'But the ketchup just won't come out.'

When I first signed up for Match, I decided to make a commitment (ha!) and pre-paid for 6 months service. I forgot it auto-renewed, so a couple days ago I found out the hard way that they don't give refunds. At all. So now I'm paid up for 6 months again and I don't need it right now.

Yep, the laptop I just bought came with Windows 10. I swapped in an SSD, installed Win10, and it was activated before I even checked it.

'Would you like to try two women at once?' she whispered seductively. He gulped. 'You mean, Siri AND Cortana?'

So the Pope visits Queen Elizabeth II and she says : "Watch, Francis! With a wave of my hand, I can make every loyal subject go completely hysterical!" So she waves at the crowd and every loyal subject goes completely apeshit. So Francis tells her : "Well, Elizabeth, with a wave of my hand, I...

Anyone tried it?