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"Hello?", "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul." "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now." Brief Pause. "Uh, okay...

I was an early Google Music adopter, so I pay just $7.99/month for it and now Youtube Red. Great deal and I absolutely love the service. I've tried most of the others. I'll stick with Google's version.

It's fuckin' November and it was 91 degrees here today. Major rustle.

I don't know, but I would assume that you need to lube up those Real Dolls.

I've never seen a full-service gas station here in Florida. It's all self-service.

What's the difference between a joke and two dicks?

I got a handjob from a blind girl last night. She said "You have the biggest dick I've ever put my hands on" I said "Nah, you're pulling my leg"

Longmire renewed for a 5th season. Yes!

What do rednecks do on Halloween?

When a bug splats on my windshield right in my line of sight.

What does a dyslexic klan member hate?

Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest dick," he says. "Okay," they all agree. The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing,"...

Why are Jews afraid to eat pussy?

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, ?Please come over here and help me? I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can?t figure out how to get it started.? Her boyfriend asked, ?What is it supposed to be when it?s finished?? The blonde said, ?According to the picture on the box, it?s a...

Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief...

The next Misborn book, The Bands of Mourning Amazon.com: The Bands of Mourning (Mistborn) eBook: Brandon Sanderson: Kindle Store

A guy goes to a brothel. He chooses a girl and they retreat to a room. He goes down on her. A moment later, he lifts his head and spits out a mouthful of corn. A bit perturbed, he resumes anyway. A moment later, he bolts up and spits out a mouthful of carrot bits. Now he's pretty freaked out...

What do you call a one night stand with a robot?

Bloody Mary

If you've never used an SSD, then you don't know the sheer bliss of having one. SSD's are totally worth it.

Even if it sucks, I'll probably go see it about 10 times.

I'm traveling in November and needed a rental car. I ended up booking thru Alamo and the bill was $181 with taxes and fees. I then got an email from Costco about their rental car and travel services. I was curious, so I went thru the process of booking the same rental car at Alamo with Costco's...

Hungry like the wolf.