Dating

Hoss

Hoss

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Haus said:
Bottom line reality here. You have three possible paths :
  1. Try and succeed
  2. Try and fail
  3. Don't try
If your goal is to be in a happy and loving relationship now or in the future then "Don't Try" is the one path which will never get you there. Option 2 hurts a lot, Option 3 is a slow miserable pain, so try to land option 1.
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I argue that 1 and 2 are both wins because with #2 at least you know and can move on without beating yourself up with what ifs.

She's literally risking nothing by going and visiting him for a week or 2.
 
Haus

Haus

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Hoss said:
I argue that 1 and 2 are both wins because with #2 at least you know and can move on without beating yourself up with what ifs.

She's literally risking nothing by going and visiting him for a week or 2.
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True, option 2, even if not giving you your goal gives you at a minimum experience and hopefully some salty but funny stories.

As I have heard said, few people lay on their death beds bemoaning the risks they took, but many regret the things they never tried.

Now with that all said, we are a bunch of mostly long term married dudes. And it's obviously easier to give advice from "outside the fray"
 
Cad

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Koushirou said:
Am I more likely to figure out if I actually love this guy by staying with him and constantly getting fed external validation that I crave so much or by taking a break and seeing if the novelty wears off or if I still miss and want him after learning to be on my own?
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You never figure out if you love someone by breaking up with them or separating. That is romance novel or movie stuff. In real life if anybody "trial separation'd" me they would find it a very real separation very quickly. Guys who have real feelings aren't going to put up with that type of thing because they will be really hurt by this pullback, and they will have to protect their feelings from someone who is playing games with them.

Be honest, be open, go see what happens. No games, no tests, no what-if's. Go see what happens.
 
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Masakari

Masakari

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Koushirou said:
I was hoping that everyone I’ve talked to basically being in agreement would help me just get over it and try, but I’ve already found myself trying to distance from him.

Simple question:

Am I more likely to figure out if I actually love this guy by staying with him and constantly getting fed external validation that I crave so much or by taking a break and seeing if the novelty wears off or if I still miss and want him after learning to be on my own?
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Koushirou, do you feel loved, supported, and empowered by being with him? Because that's how healthy partnerships should make you feel more often than not.

If you're not getting that from him, then it may be the comfort of external validation that's keeping you two together, which can be hard to break away from since the prospect of ending things can be a little uncomfortable. I would caution about settling for anything less than what you feel you deserve because that's usually when people betray themselves and that's something that can chip away at your soul over the long run.

I'll say this much, when you're with someone that makes you feel safe, secure, and loved, you don't have doubts or worries that you'll stop loving them one day (or vice versa). Those thoughts are more than likely your subconscious giving you cues that this isn't your guy. But the great thing is, you can view every interaction or relationship as a step towards the future you're trying to build. Every person you meet can teach you something new about yourself, or what you want, or even give you more empowerment towards your goals when you stand up for yourself.

Be very unapologetic and clear with yourself about the future you want, and you will attract it. Or at least attract experiences to help you get closer to what you want. Just don't sell yourself short, you deserve something special.
 
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Koushirou

Koushirou

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Masakari said:
I'll say this much, when you're with someone that makes you feel safe, secure, and loved, you don't have doubts or worries that you'll stop loving them one day (or vice versa)
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Thing is I do feel all of those things when I’m with him. The gap between the way he treats me versus my other three relationships/marriage is so fucking large, the other three might as well not even exist. So why the fuck am I having doubts? I have no idea. I feel like I’m doing the stupid bitch thing of wondering if there’s someone better out there when I’ve literally never before had the chance to put myself out there while in a good mindset and I’ll just lock myself into the first thing I’ve found again.
 
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Cad

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Koushirou said:
Thing is I do feel all of those things when I’m with him. The gap between the way he treats me versus my other three relationships/marriage is so fucking large, the other three might as well not even exist. So why the fuck am I having doubts? I have no idea. I feel like I’m doing the stupid bitch thing of wondering if there’s someone better out there when I’ve literally never before had the chance to put myself out there while in a good mindset and I’ll just lock myself into the first thing I’ve found again.
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You know what you're doing, you're self-sabotaging. You know it intellectually, you're typing it out here. You know it.

Tell your emotions to shut the fuck up and listen to your mind.
 
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Masakari

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Koushirou said:
Thing is I do feel all of those things when I’m with him. The gap between the way he treats me versus my other three relationships/marriage is so fucking large, the other three might as well not even exist. So why the fuck am I having doubts? I have no idea. I feel like I’m doing the stupid bitch thing of wondering if there’s someone better out there when I’ve literally never before had the chance to put myself out there while in a good mindset and I’ll just lock myself into the first thing I’ve found again.
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Cad's right, that sounds like self sabotage.

Had an ex-girlfriend that ruined our relationship because of her past experiences. She only knew abusive and destructive relationships (going back to the relationship with her father), so the feeling of safety & comfort was foreign to her. That resulted in a lot of overthinking & self-sabotage on her part and put a lot of strain on the relationship. Every time she felt vulnerability and opened herself up, she would follow it up with a lot of unnecessary distance, would become less communicative, etc.

I fought hard to stay with her and help her work through it but ultimately the self-sabotage built up overtime and I had to walk away out of self respect. That's when she lashed out at me, but it's mostly because she was unable to take accountability for what she was doing and how it impacted the relationship. Every time I tried to address her behavior, she would deflect and make me the bad guy because that's the dynamic she was used to. It was hard to watch because she had such a beautiful heart and was amazing with kids, but she was too haunted by her past.

I haven't been following your complete saga, but if you feel you've behaved in a similar manner with him and it's impacted the relationship at all, I'd suggest discussing it with him and acknowledging the impact. It's usually in those vulnerable moments that you both will grow closer together.
 
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Hoss

Hoss

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Koushirou said:
Thing is I do feel all of those things when I’m with him. The gap between the way he treats me versus my other three relationships/marriage is so fucking large, the other three might as well not even exist. So why the fuck am I having doubts? I have no idea. I feel like I’m doing the stupid bitch thing of wondering if there’s someone better out there when I’ve literally never before had the chance to put myself out there while in a good mindset and I’ll just lock myself into the first thing I’ve found again.
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Going to stay with him for a bit is not locking into anything. It's gathering information. Then you come home and ponder your future. I'm not trying to push you 2 together, I'm trying to help you make a clean decision. Have you even asked him yet if you can? You're getting all twisted up wondering if you should but do you know if you can?
 
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Control

Control

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Koushirou said:
Simple question:

Am I more likely to figure out if I actually love this guy by staying with him and constantly getting fed external validation that I crave so much or by taking a break and seeing if the novelty wears off or if I still miss and want him after learning to be on my own?
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This isn't a simple question. It's you inventing ways to twist yourself up and avoid deciding anything. Do you find out if you like pizza by not eating pizza?
The simple question is: Are you happier when you're with him than when you're not with him?
I'm pretty sure I know the answer or you wouldn't be trying to get us to convince you that it's ok to be happy.
 
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TJT

TJT

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Cutlery said:
Dating in your late 30s and onwards as a dude with your life together is unbelievable. The tables have completely flipped and you pretty much have your pick of whatever you want.

Also - completely unrelated to dating, or marriage or whatever. I was completely unprepared for the first time I interviewed a young, attractive woman for a position and she told me in basically the most direct way possible "if there is ANYTHING you need to see from me for me to get this job, just let me know."

I'm 46. I'm married, I've got a pretty good moral compass, I like to think I'm a pretty ethical guy. I treat people fairly, and I act with integrity.

And then you realize how easy it is to fall into that trap. Because you've got someone sitting here just begging for this and she's willing to use whatever she has to get it. That's 100% how people get corrupted into sex blackmail or money or whatever - and this was my first brush with it. You think this shit only happens to Hollywood scumbags or politicians and then next thing you know you've got a chick asking if you've got a casting couch, and there's a part of you thinking "well maybe...." before you shake your head out of it because this could legitimately ruin everything you've ever built and done.

I suppose it's the kind of lesson you need to have enough life experience for before you get to it, and just hope you've learned enough to pass the test.
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Ya know. It occurs to me that after hiring in the tech nerd programmer space for the past decade or so I have not once interviewed a single female candidate.

Not one. Why do bitches hate coding so much!?
 
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Cutlery

Cutlery

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TJT said:
Ya know. It occurs to me that after hiring in the tech nerd programmer space for the past decade or so I have not once interviewed a single female candidate.

Not one. Why do bitches hate coding so much!?
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It's too much like work.
 
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Hoss

Hoss

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TJT said:
Ya know. It occurs to me that after hiring in the tech nerd programmer space for the past decade or so I have not once interviewed a single female candidate.

Not one. Why do bitches hate coding so much!?
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Probably a topic for a different thread, but I'm pretty sure you gotta go looking for them.

Either that or your HR dept knows you're a creep and sends all the girls somewhere else.
 
Cad

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TJT said:
Ya know. It occurs to me that after hiring in the tech nerd programmer space for the past decade or so I have not once interviewed a single female candidate.

Not one. Why do bitches hate coding so much!?
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My wife was an EE before she moved to finance. She worked as an EE for about 10 years. She was the only woman in her entire group every time.
 
TomServo

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Cad said:
My wife was an EE before she moved to finance. She worked as an EE for about 10 years. She was the only woman in her entire group every time.
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Damn man that is impressive. Electrical Engineer, CFO and part time serial killer. A woman of many talents.
 
Cad

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TomServo said:
Damn man that is impressive. Electrical Engineer, CFO and part time serial killer. A woman of many talents.
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She's not a CFO, she just works in finance at a big company. She's director-level but thats 2 levels below c-suite. She is definitely an ice queen serial killer in personality though. Love it.
 
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