Dating

Animosity · 2026-05-14T17:19:00-0400

Women who date down usually want a subservient man, who they hardly tell anyone about. Or they are just very insecure.

TheAylix · 2026-05-14T18:58:18-0400

Big Phoenix said:
Refusing to "date down" is a big part of the disaster. This wasn't a problem 100 years ago when from their perspective most men where their betters.

This is my aunt. She's going to turn 75 this year, and has been terminally single since she divorced her husband 35 years ago.

Last year, she broke up with her long-term boyfriend - they'd been dating a few years, and he should have been perfect for her. I met him a few times - handsome, fit, successful guy in his late 60s. Widower with two daughters from his first marriage that he doted on. Owned his own business, and was slow-walking his retirement to make sure his son-in-law could keep everything going without him.

The problem? He never went to college. His business was custom painting, and my aunt always thought it was low class. That she deserved "better". When he failed a shit-test of hers and didn't show up for an event (that he wasn't explicitly invited to, by the way), she dumped him.

Now my aunt can't find anyone at all, and she constantly whines to my mother about how there are no good men. My mom is kind enough to smile and nod, but she can't relate; my mom adores my dad - they'll celebrate their 57th anniversary this year. Yet her little sister still thinks she's an eternal 22-year old boss babe who should never settle.

moonarchia · 2026-05-14T19:27:58-0400

Cad said:
The single woman friends in their 40's say they can't find men at all that want to be serious, they say the men just all lie saying they want a relationship and want to settle down to get them in bed because thats what they have to say, and then after they get 3-4 months into the relationship, the guys just sort of slowly vanish, they see them less and less until they're not seeing them at all.

These are not bad looking or incapable women either, they live near me (thats how we know them), have careers, houses, etc... I would think they're catches, not particularly crazy. One of them is like 5'10, 130 pounds and gorgeous, she says guys don't even approach her at all.

From our side, the chicks seem like they're picking and choosing, from the chicks side, they feel pumped and dumped by lies.

It's like reading democrat media and then reading newsmax or breitbart or something on the same issue - completely 180 degree different viewpoints.

We don't have the guys' side of this, so everyone is just putting their own experiences in instead.

The old truths are still true. Women choose who they let fuck them. Men choose who they let marry them.

Have your friend show you their right and left swipes for an hour or two, and have her explain each one. That will tell you what she is actually after, and you can see if she is passing over men who would actually be able to offer that. She may or may be telling you the truth. Men and women will both cheerfully lie to look better to their peers. She may not actually know how to find what she is looking for. She may be a horrible person to be around in private. There could be any number of reasons for what she is describing. It may be time to stop letting men fuck her before they have an actual relationship going.

Why is she single at 40 in the first place? If she is as beautiful as you claim, she had plenty of offers over the past 25 years.

Cad · 2026-05-14T19:29:42-0400

moonarchia said:
We don't have the guys' side of this, so everyone is just putting their own experiences in instead.

The old truths are still true. Women choose who they let fuck them. Men choose who they let marry them.

Have your friend show you their right and left swipes for an hour or two, and have her explain each one. That will tell you what she is actually after, and you can see if she is passing over men who would actually be able to offer that. She may or may be telling you the truth. Men and women will both cheerfully lie to look better to their peers. She may not actually know how to find what she is looking for. She may be a horrible person to be around in private. There could be any number of reasons for what she is describing. It may be time to stop letting men fuck her before they have an actual relationship going.

Why is she single at 40 in the first place? If she is as beautiful as you claim, she had plenty of offers over the past 25 years.

How could you possibly tell from what they write on Tinder or whatever app they're using whether a guy wants to actually be in a relationship?

Aside from excluding the ones who explicitly say short term, all the ones they're dating SAID they wanted long term relationships.

moonarchia · 2026-05-14T19:33:39-0400

Cad said:
How could you possibly tell from what they write on Tinder or whatever app they're using whether a guy wants to actually be in a relationship?

Aside from excluding the ones who explicitly say short term, all the ones they're dating SAID they wanted long term relationships.

Wanting to be in a relationship doesn't automatically mean they want to be in a relationship with her. If that's the only criteria she is using to filter, then that's probably problem #1. But the question and exercise are meant to dig deeper into what she is saying she wants, and what criteria she is actually filtering on. If the two aren't aligned, you may be able to help.

Cad · 2026-05-14T19:36:32-0400

moonarchia said:
Wanting to be in a relationship doesn't automatically mean they want to be in a relationship with her. If that's the only criteria she is using to filter, then that's probably problem #1. But the question and exercise are meant to dig deeper into what she is saying she wants, and what criteria she is actually filtering on. If the two aren't aligned, you may be able to help.

It's likely that what they're saying they want isn't actually what they want, thus driving the mismatch, but that wouldn't be discovered this way. I think MOST people "think" they like a certain type, a certain personality, but it's not true. My $0.02, my wife and I are VERY different personalities, but we get along because we want to. Both of us try.

I don't think compatibility works like tetris, it's mostly effort, IMO.

moonarchia · 2026-05-14T19:52:15-0400

Cad said:
It's likely that what they're saying they want isn't actually what they want, thus driving the mismatch, but that wouldn't be discovered this way. I think MOST people "think" they like a certain type, a certain personality, but it's not true. My $0.02, my wife and I are VERY different personalities, but we get along because we want to. Both of us try.

I don't think compatibility works like tetris, it's mostly effort, IMO.

You might have found the answer then. Again, gorgeous people have had dozens/hundreds of people willing to try their entire lives. Has she been willing to match that effort? Knowing more about why she is rejecting people might help answer this.

Compatibility is like thousands of magnets. If the poles line up correctly you work, otherwise you don't. Applying force can overcome some smaller ones pushing you apart, but you need to have enough pulling you together to make it work as well. And if most/all are pushing you together, almost nothing would be able to pull you apart.

Cad · 2026-05-14T20:04:44-0400

moonarchia said:
You might have found the answer then. Again, gorgeous people have had dozens/hundreds of people willing to try their entire lives. Has she been willing to match that effort? Knowing more about why she is rejecting people might help answer this.

I don't see their swipes and I'm probably not going to ask, I don't really want to be involved, I'm just reporting from the other side since all we get is the guys' point of view in here. They actually do talk to me in detail about their dating lives (wife too), probably see us as a safe outlet where they won't be judged.

moonarchia said:
Compatibility is like thousands of magnets. If the poles line up correctly you work, otherwise you don't. Applying force can overcome some smaller ones pushing you apart, but you need to have enough pulling you together to make it work as well. And if most/all are pushing you together, almost nothing would be able to pull you apart.

I tend to think if you are willing to compromise on things (and they are too), you can get along with just about anybody (just about). Think about people you have to work with, you can totally hate those motherfuckers in real life but get along fine at work because you just drop all the shit and just talk work, get work done.

Nobody's relationship is perfect, and if you expect that, it's doomed. It's all about finding the appropriate level of compromise so that you're both getting what you want and neither feels resentful. And that requires.... communication.

moonarchia · 2026-05-14T20:20:52-0400

Cad said:
I don't see their swipes and I'm probably not going to ask, I don't really want to be involved, I'm just reporting from the other side since all we get is the guys' point of view in here. They actually do talk to me in detail about their dating lives (wife too), probably see us as a safe outlet where they won't be judged.

I tend to think if you are willing to compromise on things (and they are too), you can get along with just about anybody (just about). Think about people you have to work with, you can totally hate those motherfuckers in real life but get along fine at work because you just drop all the shit and just talk work, get work done.

Nobody's relationship is perfect, and if you expect that, it's doomed. It's all about finding the appropriate level of compromise so that you're both getting what you want and neither feels resentful. And that requires.... communication.

I agree. Communication is the lube that keeps the wheels turning for all relationships. That said, if there is 0 compatibility all the communication in the world isn't going to make it work. Some people are just sodium and water.

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