Have kind of self-destructed over the past couple of weeks. Have already just been feeling down and in a rut and still struggling to find a point to anything. Then losing my cat Sansa just sent things straight to hell. Hadn't showered in a couple of weeks, wasted 6 home delivery meals I'd had because I just couldn't be fucked to cook, have spent way too much money on take out food and have gained back a shitload of weight because I've been eating 3-5000 calories a day of mostly junk because I just haven't cared anymore. House was turning into a mess, behind on dishes, behind on laundry, yard looked like shit. Had a lot of dark thoughts start coming back, the most prominent being that I should just hand my other cat Arya over to my ex. She would be back with Bruce again, who my ex took, since they were very good playmates while he was still here. Then I'd be free of any commitments to anyone else, finally, and could go put myself down in peace.
Everything culminated in a trip to the grocery store resulting in $100 worth of pure garbage. Plowed a cup of donut holes just on the drive home, came back with a tub of frosting, sugar cookies, chocolate cheesecake bites, a bunch of candy bars, buttercream filled muffins, stuff to make smores tacos, a pouch of icing, oh and a couple of salad kits because I should probably eat some kind of meal at some point in there. Sucked down the whole icing pouch last night and just went to bed early because every part of me just felt like shit. Been staying up 'til 5am for the past week because I don't want to sleep since it just makes me sad, then waking up between 8-10am. Been doing pretty much nothing but mindless grinding in EQ, so I can just turn my brain off and forget the world.
Today, finally tried to rejoin the living a bit. My house, my living room especially, is pretty much barren of decoration and probably looks like a psych ward. I seem to be missing whatever trait women are supposed to have for home making. But decided to order some tables for the living room so I can have a place to display Sansa's memorial, as well as my dog, Furlough's. Added bonus is it also covers up the exposed back and side of my couch that's supposed to be in a corner, I guess, and just looks ghetto and shitty. I'd like to think I had some design sense on this one, as I think it looks pretty good (and it even matches the lvp flooring). Got the tables put together, put up the memorials, vacuumed the living room and moved the cat carriers out (they'd been just sitting in the middle of the floor since we came back from taking Sansa for her appointment), washed Sansa's bed and blankets, as well as Arya's blankets in her little sleeping basket. Mowed the lawn just before it stormed, got a much needed shower, did my laundry, doing my bed sheets, and finally took out the trash that had been piling up.
I still haven't put away Sansa's feeding station yet. I just don't have the heart to do it now, but maybe soon. I still need to gather up all her vet invoices from the past couple months and submit claims for them. Hopefully my insurance doesn't continue to be worthless assholes and maybe I get at least some reimbursement, as financially this whole thing has hit really hard. A few weeks ago, my mom came up and helped me raid the Goodwill and got some nice pictures and artwork to put up around the house, so will try to get off my ass and get those on the wall as well. Started journaling and reading my stupid ass daily affirmations again. I feel fucking retarded, but maybe they help subtly? I don't know.
Shit fucking sucks lately, but I'm trying.
View attachment 630635View attachment 630636
