Depression

Haha. I live in Hillbilly County, MO, so I'm a man of the people. When WWE Live comes to town, I don't go because I'm afraid I'll run into a patient.

Kreugen_sl said:

It's the strangest form of self torture and hell - wanting things so badly, yet being terrified of obtaining and potentially losing them.

Click to expand...

Desire is the root of all suffering. Nature of the beast, unfortunately.

Moonarchia_sl said:

Desire is the root of all suffering. Nature of the beast, unfortunately.

Click to expand...

"The soul requires universal truth" -Random Fictional Deepak Chopra Quote

Your turn to spin the wheel of platitudes again.

So I've basically just been getting worse. Hiding myself away more. Not that anyone would notice. I make zero impression in anyone's life. And when I do it's negative.

What do you expect anyone to say beyond the same tired platitudes that everyone says? Keep taking your meds, keep getting therapy (or start if you aren't already) and tell your counselor things are getting worse, and hope you turn a corner sooner rather than later.

My personal suggestion is to get a hobby that requires you to interact with people, even if it's something profoundly nerdy like tabletop gaming.

Gavinmad_sl said:

What do you expect anyone to say beyond the same tired platitudes that everyone says? Keep taking your meds, keep getting therapy (or start if you aren't already) and tell your counselor things are getting worse, and hope you turn a corner sooner rather than later.

My personal suggestion is to get a hobby that requires you to interact with people, even if it's something profoundly nerdy like tabletop gaming.

Click to expand...

Problem is...

I have anhedoniabad. I get no fucking pleasure from doing anything. I've tried starting hobbies... things I know I would enjoy if I wasn't completely fucked. But I always end up quitting because there's just no reason for me to continue

Troll_sl said:

Problem is...

I have anhedoniabad. I get no fucking pleasure from doing anything. I've tried starting hobbies... things I know I would enjoy if I wasn't completely fucked. But I always end up quitting because there's just no reason for me to continue

Click to expand...

Part of it is just losing yourself in something. Sounds like you're trying too hard to enjoy something versus just letting go and enjoying it.

I don't try hard at all... don't have the energy to try hard. Don't care enough anymore. I feelnopleasure.

Troll_sl said:

I don't try hard at all... don't have the energy to try hard. Don't care enough anymore. I feelnopleasure.

Click to expand...

Have you tried a hooker? Maybe the Megan Fox of Ohio can change all that. Optional sting of financial ruin afterwards. Or jail time from the vicodin trafficking. You just know jail time is going to make you feel something. Smooth muscle dilation for instance.
Gavinbad already gave good advice - talk to your therapist.

Troll_sl said:

I don't try hard at all... don't have the energy to try hard. Don't care enough anymore. I feelnopleasure.

Click to expand...

I don't play video games 14-16 hours a day because I'm enjoying myself, I do it to escape from reality. Because my reality is I'm a 32 year old who lives in his parents unfinished basement and longs for death the way a fat kid craves cake. The only woman I've ever really loved married someone else because I'm not fit to provide for and raise children, and her husband is a great guy so I can't even try to sabotage her marriage out of petty vindictiveness. The biggest mistake I ever made in my life was not violently murdering a close blood relative, and years later there is still not a day that goes by without me regretting that decision.

So don't bitch to me about not feeling pleasure. Talk to your therapist and stop making crybaby excuses about how miserable life is.

Gavinmad_sl said:

I don't play video games 14-16 hours a day because I'm enjoying myself, I do it to escape from reality. Because my reality is I'm a 32 year old who lives in his parents unfinished basement and longs for death the way a fat kid craves cake.

Click to expand...

At some point, you've got to enjoy it don't you? I've had bad spells where I had a hard time enjoying anything - but eventually I "muscled through" it. Yea, doing the same thing all the time burns me out on that fun activity (part of why I've dialed back gaming any one thing for a stretch now) - something sounds seriously wrong if you're eternally in that rut.

And as for the "not fit to have kids" - welcome to the club man, financially stable but my genetics makes me a non-breeder too - there's women out there for you, trust me they exist.

Honestly, it might be hard to do, but it might just be you guys need to throw yourselves into a new environment in some way. I was trapped in a drastically similar rut (seriously during my early disability days when I was having constant falls, my story sounds exactly like Gavin's current situation - was worried financially since I had zero non-investment income at that point [mid market crash remember] and physically because of the falls so being near my mother who was a retired RN was comforting - so we lived in my parents basement, although very nicely finished, and I was roughly 31-32 at the time...) that even once I started feeling better and was more able I kept myself trapped in it because of "Why bother?!" set in that I was finally able to shake with relative ease after the move. Sure, having a partner that can relate to you does help alot, I won't discount how much Laura helps me [and I help her] but I'd try something new guys.

Even if its something as silly as travelling to some social events the next town/block/whatever over from where you normally do. Meeting new people and thus seeing you're not as fucked up as you think you are can do a world of good towards getting you on a good path - in my experience at least.

I'm sure you guys can find enjoyment, you just have to find the right things to enjoy and the right people to enjoy them with.

Vaclav_sl said:

At some point, you've got to enjoy it don't you?

Click to expand...

Nah the long stretches of repetitive gameplay plug perfectly into my autism. I actually achieve a lower state of consciousness when I'm on a long video game binge. Better than alcohol.

Gavinmad_sl said:

Nah the long stretches of repetitive gameplay plug perfectly into my autism. I actually achieve a lower state of consciousness when I'm on a long video game binge. Better than alcohol.

Click to expand...

If that's such a help to you - have you tried meditation? I've always been able to put myself into that kind of mindset myself with the right set up (usually white noise, dark, neutral temp) pretty easily, but Laura's found it really beneficial to meditate once she got trained into it - it took her a ton of work to get used to doing it however.

I assume you were referencing to it as "something to drown out the 'noise'" and focus on something, right?

Gavinmad_sl said:

Nah the long stretches of repetitive gameplay plug perfectly into my autism. I actually achieve a lower state of consciousness when I'm on a long video game binge. Better than alcohol.

Click to expand...

I wouldn't say it's better than alcohol, it is a lot cheaper though.

Gavin, when I was around that age I had to stay with my folks for a couple years as well. If your parents are good folks just use the time to rebuild. I finished my AS degree and got into the company I am still with 10 years later.

And Vaclav is right on with the meditation stuff. It really is one of the best things you can do for yourself regardless of whatever else is going on in your life.

Izo, what I said before wasn't a random platitude. It's the fundamental truth of human existence. We live, we want things, and because we want things we suffer. Understanding that is where you can start to change it. To tie it back to meditation, when you meditate properly you start to understand what drives you, why you want X Y or Z, etc. Once you have that you can choose to keep wanting them and find better paths to get there or you can choose to stop wanting them. How much and what kind of suffering can you endure? It's just basic math beyond that.

Moonarchia_sl said:

Gavin, when I was around that age I had to stay with my folks for a couple years as well. If your parents are good folks just use the time to rebuild. I finished my AS degree and got into the company I am still with 10 years later.

And Vaclav is right on with the meditation stuff. It really is one of the best things you can do for yourself regardless of whatever else is going on in your life.

Izo, what I said before wasn't a random platitude. It's the fundamental truth of human existence. We live, we want things, and because we want things we suffer. Understanding that is where you can start to change it. To tie it back to meditation, when you meditate properly you start to understand what drives you, why you want X Y or Z, etc. Once you have that you can choose to keep wanting them and find better paths to get there or you can choose to stop wanting them. How much and what kind of suffering can you endure? It's just basic math beyond that.

Click to expand...

There is no rebuilding. I'm a non-functional bi-polar with autism, adhd, and generalized anxiety disorder who was denied disability because I'm 'not disabled enough'. I'll be here until I die, unless my parents die first in which case I can finally kill myself.

Gavinmad_sl said:

There is no rebuilding. I'm a non-functional bi-polar with autism, adhd, and generalized anxiety disorder who was denied disability because I'm 'not disabled enough'. I'll be here until I die, unless my parents die first in which case I can finally kill myself.

Click to expand...

As I have an older brother on disability who lives with my parents, this post makes me very depressed

Gavinmad_sl said:

There is no rebuilding. I'm a non-functional bi-polar with autism, adhd, and generalized anxiety disorder who was denied disability because I'm 'not disabled enough'. I'll be here until I die, unless my parents die first in which case I can finally kill myself.

Click to expand...

TBH from how you make it sound, you make it sound worse than me - and while I did get denied in my initial (non-lawyer) filing - the lawyer took up the case as a pay only if you win thing (apparently the 100% norm) and I won on first appeal.

Did you ever get a lawyer? Honestly from what she had made it sound like, basically ANYONE even trivial shit will eventually win with a lawyer (not just her) - it's just a matter of how long they appeal it for.

It's possible she was just talking about the realities of our judges in Maryland, unsure, but I didn't take it to mean such.

But seriously - you quoted all the stuff that they finalized my disability claim as when I got it - they threw out my genetics and neurologic stuff when they awarded it to me, and gave it to me based on my anxiety, mild autism and lack of functionality at that point. Honestly, it sounds like the only difference between us is I had a full work history for the 10 years they want. (I did get a "I expect that you'd have a better life if you get back to work as soon as you can find a means to work your old education into something you can handle with your health changes" mini-lecture from the judge though - oh and I had to give up the 4 yrs of backpay from when symptoms started to 2 yrs instead)

But in short - if you've not spoken to a disability lawyer, do so - I'm pretty sure they'd say you'd have a couple years fight on your hands (mine took 9 months, she expected it to take 2 years) but I can't imagine they'd say "You have no chance - no"

Yes I got a lawyer. The judge is the one who basically said I wasn't disabled enough in the denial I was mailed. After months and months of waiting to hear about the appeal I finally started calling and harassing the lawyer. Shortly after that I get informed that my appeal was denied without a hearing, and then the law office dumped me.