I think I'm ready to give up. I've just got too many issues, too much baggage. No one's going to want to deal with that from me. The therapy's helped in determining the why of things, but I still feel completely powerless to do anything about them in any meaningful way. I've been this way since I was 9; I'm not sure it's possible to change enough at this point. I'm too old. It's just too easy to hate myself when there's so many reasons to. The smallest things will still just ruin my mood and spiral me for days. I can't be happy just being by myself and if I can't do that, even if I did magically find someone to put up with me, I'd just blow the relationship up somehow because I'm too fucked up. Whole thing's just pathetic and I'm disgusted with myself. I really just don't deserve to waste anymore air at this point.
Woah! Chill! No one is perfect and every one has baggage. Some people (not me, though I am getting better at it) are just really good at dealing with their baggage. You have value, lots of value. You have no idea what the future holds, 6 months from now you could look back at your post and be like "WTF was I thinking?"
Redirect the negative thoughts. Go for a walk when you feel that way, even five minutes will clear your head. You didn't get in this rut overnight, so you aren't going to get out of it overnight. Celebrate the small victories. Any progress, no matter how small is still progress.
Think about this, I know for a fact you are well liked around here. Yeah sure, we are just internet pixels, but remember we are real people behind these keyboards. Look at all the people responding to you in this thread rooting for you. We want you to win at life.
Stop the stinking thinking and do something that distracts you. For me it is mini-painting, going on a walk, sometimes it is video games or getting ahead on work for the week to lighten my load so I can make time to video game or watch a movie guilt free.
That shit you are alluding to never solved a single problem and only created more for other people. I say this with genuine love for you as a an internet friend "Don't be a martyr, get off the pity pot."
Go do something positive for yourself right now, it doesn't have to cost money. Do something that will distract you and make you feel better, something that will give you a sense a accomplishment even if it is small. Something as simple as organizing that one drawer or closet that is always a mess, cleaning your bathroom or folding laundry while listening to music that you loved as a teenager. Literally anything, but that nonsense you were alluding to.
Koushirou please check in. It is obvious that many of us care about you and your well being, please don't leave us wondering.
