Depression

Cad

Cad

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Koushirou said:
Who do you think is going to fuck me if I could barely even get my own husband to do it? Sure, I can go advertise myself up on the incel forums and go be a piece of meat for a bit, but when all I really have left is my rapidly dwindling dignity do you really think that's going to make me feel better?
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Most of everything is perception, if you think it would be fun or make you feel better, it probably will. If its not something you would look forward to or enjoy, then it won't. The key is knowing yourself and knowing how to push your own buttons to get where you want to go.
 
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Caligula_The_Cat

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Cad said:
Most of everything is perception, if you think it would be fun or make you feel better, it probably will. If its not something you would look forward to or enjoy, then it won't. The key is knowing yourself and knowing how to push your own buttons to get where you want to go.
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I think if she knew how to push her own buttons to get to where she wanted to go, she wouldn’t be in the position she is in. Unless you’re of the belief that it is simply a lack of motivation.
 
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Cad

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Caligula_The_Cat said:
I think if she knew how to push her own buttons to get to where she wanted to go, she wouldn’t be in the position she is in. Unless you’re of the belief that it is simply a lack of motivation.
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True, I was thinking more of just whether that is even an appealing concept to her. To some it is and to some it isn't, there's no right or wrong answer.
 
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Haus

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Koushirou said:
Sorry, feel like this is turning into my personal journal or some shit, so if it's too much just yell at me.

The feeling better didn't last long and last few days have been back to feeling like shit. Trying to stay positive about things is so incredibly exhausting and I'm already so damn tired that I just can't keep it up. Feels like anytime I start to make some progress, something stupid and shitty will come out of nowhere and just beat me back down and I just can't get myself up anymore. Knowing that I can try as hard as I can and do everything I'm supposed to be doing, the weight loss, a new job, getting away from the husband, moving, getting out of the house, trying to meet new people, a positive attitude, etc., and likely still just end up alone and miserable and tired just makes it that much harder for me to keep going.

I knocked some things off my list this week, but I couldn't bring myself to put any actual effort in. Updated my resume, but it still needs a ton of work, I'm sure. I threw out some applications to places, but I have no excitement for them and honestly just hope they don't get back to me. Nothing excites me anymore, at all. Best I can do is just shut off my brain and distract myself online. I don't have any dreams or aspirations anymore. Reading through Shitpost Saturday talk about how old people when they retire just sort of shut down and waste away sounded about how I feel right now, though I know it's not exactly the same. I just want to shut down, I want to just be at peace and get out of it all. I'm tired. It hasn't helped that lately I just feel like I'm bothering everyone around me. I'm usually super outgoing with my friends and will message them usually every other day or so just to say hi and see how they're doing. No one really says hi or checks in on me this way and it just starts making me self-conscious that I'm just being an annoyance and they're just trying to be nice. Maybe I just had weird expectations for friend interactions, IDK. Either way, it makes me just not want to talk to anyone since I don't like being a pain in the ass.

Sorry for the pointless and probably rehashed update. I'm still exercising, I make my bed every day, give myself some silly affirmation before I go to bed, try to accomplish something once a day, etc. There's always just this massive feeling of constantly being pulled back down and I just have no leverage to fight against it. I feel so fucking alone and scared and just tired. There's nothing to hold onto.
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First, as mentioned, you're not bothering anybody around here, and honestly being able to vent these things and get the responses of other randos you know on the internet is pretty much the charm of this place anyways ;)

Second, the recommendation to get laid sounds like the old sports adage of getting out of a slump with a "slump buster". Which would mean an athlete usually going and finding the easiest, fastest way to get laid as a kind of "shock to the system reset" of everything. It works for some people, it doesn't work for others. As Cad mentioned you know yourself well enough to know if it will work for you.

Third, I'll reference back to a Winston Churchill quote to try to inspire your inner stoic (who I am confident is still in there):
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I have hit times in my life where I was depressed enough that I hit a wall where it was simply me being too stubborn of a son of a bitch to allow for letting the universe get the win of beating me. In some ways, I'm facing a variation on that right now. Dealing with things I know depress me every day, which will not ever change, and are simply variables that will always be with me through the rest of my days. But I'm still too stubborn , apparently, to give in to things. Get up every morning, find my little glimmer for the day and keep slogging forward. As since I'm going through a hell, I know eventually there's "the other side of it" and I'd much rather be there than here.
 
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Koushirou

Koushirou

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Cad said:
True, I was thinking more of just whether that is even an appealing concept to her. To some it is and to some it isn't, there's no right or wrong answer.
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Random hook-ups don't sound the least bit appealing to me. Maybe just cope since it's not like I've ever been presented with one, but the thought of just banging a stranger sounds awful. Even if it were just for fun, the people I was with couldn't even be bothered to make sure I had a good time, I doubt I could expect that from some dude off an app who gives 0 fucks about me. I imagine this is just straight different for guys than chicks, or maybe I'm just picky.
 
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Haus

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Koushirou said:
Random hook-ups don't sound the least bit appealing to me. Maybe just cope since it's not like I've ever been presented with one, but the thought of just banging a stranger sounds awful. Even if it were just for fun, the people I was with couldn't even be bothered to make sure I had a good time, I doubt I could expect that from some dude off an app who gives 0 fucks about me. I imagine this is just straight different for guys than chicks, or maybe I'm just picky.
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No, but to be completely honest... If it ever got to the femcel "this has to get fixed" point there are "free agent" options if you wanted to have a "BFE", and those guys you're literally paying to make sure you get your walls properly rattled, but that's another story. heh

I'd say right now keep moving forward, even if slowly, maybe keep an eye out for some goal you can find where you can work a little towards it every day. Maybe it would be the "get a new gig" thing, or maybe the "get the ex out of your house" thing, or maybe if you're on the "I could use to work out a little" start getting out and having a walk every day. Sometimes just getting activity will stir up some positive endorphins.
 
Koushirou

Koushirou

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Haus said:
No, but to be completely honest... If it ever got to the femcel "this has to get fixed" point there are "free agent" options if you wanted to have a "BFE", and those guys you're literally paying to make sure you get your walls properly rattled, but that's another story. heh
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That sounds like it'd be a straight depressing and sad experience, personally. Paying someone to pretend to like me for a bit just sounds pathetic.
 
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Haus

Haus

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Koushirou said:
That sounds like it'd be a straight depressing and sad experience, personally. Paying someone to pretend to like me for a bit just sounds pathetic.
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See, that's the difference. For some people sex is an activity that leads to a good endorphin/serotonin burst. For you, it's obviously something which has more emotional attachment and significance, which is honestly perfectly normal and healthy (probably more healthy than the "purely recreational" folks honestly). So you do you in that regard and don't worry about it.
 
Cad

Cad

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Koushirou said:
That sounds like it'd be a straight depressing and sad experience, personally. Paying someone to pretend to like me for a bit just sounds pathetic.
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Everything is what you make of it. Is going to a restaurant depressing? You're paying for someone to do something nice for you that you totally could have done for yourself. How about getting a massage? You're paying for time and attention. Therapy is even more so...

There's nothing wrong with paying for time and attention you just need to be honest with yourself in your mind about whats going on. It's not that deep.
 
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Control

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I mean, don't do anything just because someone here thinks it's a good idea. But...
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If that doesn't do it for you, there's probably other stuff you could say the same thing about. Find a couple of those, and make a point to do them occasionally. Play the game, paint the model, read the book, volunteer somewhere... Just something every week or two that you find rewarding.
 
lurkingdirk

lurkingdirk

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Koushirou Koushirou You need to buy yourself a new vibrator. Get the kind with a remote and wear it in public. It doesn't just feel good, it's naughty and you'll giggle your ass off.

Also, you need to dump/unload as much as you want here. You're bothering no one, and all we want is for you to find some satisfaction. Honestly, we care about you.

Also just upped my meds for my own depression. I was stuck in my head. I think you are, too. Get all the help you can. Don't treat mental health differently than physical health. If you had cancer you would get every bit of help from doctors you can. Do the same for your mental health. It's exactly as important.
 
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moonarchia

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Koushirou said:
That sounds like it'd be a straight depressing and sad experience, personally. Paying someone to pretend to like me for a bit just sounds pathetic.
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You aren't paying them to like you, you are paying them not to be around in the morning. From what you have told us you have had poor experiences in the bedroom in the past. Hiring someone who will make sure you have as much fun as he does is one way of handling things. If that's not something you want, that's fine too. It's just one of many tools in the box you can use. The idea is to get off for the endorphins, which are one of nature's OG remedies.

Plenty of other options to get there, but you know yourself best as to what works and what doesn't.
 
Lambourne

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Koushirou said:
That sounds like it'd be a straight depressing and sad experience, personally. Paying someone to pretend to like me for a bit just sounds pathetic.
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It is and definitely don't do that. It's just going to lower your self esteem even further. Or worse, you get hooked on the validation and end up habitually paying someone else to make you feel good which is just going to kick the can down the road for dealing with issues (see people with 700 funkopops for examples of where that leads - quick boost of dopamine when they get a new toy only for it to soon be collecting dust and their feeling of emptiness returns). It's a "quick fix" which just does not work.

You seem pretty intelligent so your main weakness is going to be rationalizing everything. You can't turn that off but you can try to make it productive. If your brain is telling you you're stuck with no way forward, try to counter that with things like "I'm in a rough spot in life, these feelings are unpleasant but they are normal feelings in response to an unusual situation".

Also tell your rationalizing brain that that motivation isn't the start of improvement, it's a response to taking actions that lead to a result seen as positive. Break the cycle of uselessness through action, don't sit around waiting for motivation to come. Jordan Peterson's "Clean your room" meme is the simple example of this. Life sucks -> think of way to improve your life in some way in the next 10 minutes -> Sort out some crap or clean something -> feeling of accomplishment (reward) -> motivation to do more

This, through consistency, breaks the cycle below. You will eventually rise or fall to the level of your actions, no quick fix will ever change that.

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