Depression

Had a guy join my EQ friend group back in December of last year. Apparently developed a thing for me, but didn't say anything since he knew I was into someone else. He had to disappear for a couple of months due to some bad health issue that put him in the hospital for a while. Didn't really know him that well yet, but he was cool and I was worried about him, so I'd ping him regularly just to check up on him and make sure he was doing okay. Apparently this meant a great deal to him. He eventually came out and told me he liked me after I was having a rough time and was in the shitter after getting friend-zoned by the other dude I liked. Felt like a cunt since I knew how shitty it felt, but I put him in the friend-zone, too. We'd still chat, though, it was usually me just bitching about how shit everything was and me trying not to kill myself. I figured he'd get sick of my garbage after a while, but he stuck around. He eventually came back to EQ a couple months ago and we chatted and hung out some more. I still wasn't really interested in him at the time, but goddamn, he is a charming mother-fucker and couldn't really help but just flirt back with him when he'd sneak some in. Eventually decided to have him come down and I'd meet him in DC and we'd spend the day hanging out and going to some museums, etc. and there were no expectations beyond that (though I told him I was totally fine with him giving me a kiss when we met, which I completely was at that point). He told me I had to let him treat me for the whole day, though, because he wanted to show me how I deserved to be treated for whenever I was ready to go back out into the dating market.

So went to go meet him that day at the train station and first thing that happens is apparently he blue screens just from seeing me for the first time because I'm apparently even better looking in person than my pictures and he had to text me to make sure it was me before he came over, since he didn't want to accidentally talk to some random person. Went over, gave him a hug, took his hand (my ex never really let me hold hands with him, which always made me sad, but apparently it made this guy happy as hell) and we just walked around the station a bit chatting until he found a little corner to pull me off into to sneak in that kiss I promised him. And goddamn, no one has ever given me a romantic ass kiss like that before; I've never been much into kissing, but I enjoyed the hell out of that and I pretty much could not keep my hands off him after that. Went and got some breakfast after (which he wouldn't let me pay for when I tried and that makes me feel so fucking weird) during which he tried to throw me some compliments, but was nervous enough he spilled his drink on himself. I thought it was adorable. Walked around the Mall a bit and went to the American History Museum since it had just opened back up after the shutdown and in there anytime he found something to hide behind, he'd sneak me in for another kiss. No complaints from me.

I'd also grabbed passes for the Air and Space Museum, since it was also thankfully going to be open and it's his and my favorite museum in DC. Had some time to burn before our time slot, so wandered around a bit and came through a little walk-through garden. Sat on a bench there and made out between people passing by until our time slot came up. After we finished at the Air and Space, we just beelined back to that little garden and found a different bench behind some conveniently placed bushes and made out for almost another 2 hours until it was time to go to our dinner reservation. I honestly was tempted to just skip it at that point and stay on the bench, but he really wanted to treat me to dinner and had picked a surprise place for me that he was super nervous about making sure I was happy with. I don't see how I couldn't be happy, though, as he took me to a place in Arlington to get some delicious blue crabs (I'm MD born; I love me some fucking crabs). He'd never had any, though, and was just assuming it was gonna be like getting an order of snow crab legs or something and was very confused when they just dumped them on the table whole. Got to teach him how to pick crab while I tried not to look too much like a complete degenerate doing it. Apparently, he thought the sight of me tearing crabs apart was hot as hell, though. Not a descriptor I think I'd ever use, but.

Finished up dinner (he didn't let me pitch in for it, still, which I felt guilty about because crab ain't cheap) and just kind of lightly danced/swayed together outside waiting for the cab to go back to the station, which I would have never imagined I'd enjoy so much. Still had just under an hour until he had to catch his train, so we walked around some more until we snuck into an empty corridor and behind a set of stairs and yeah, just started making out again. At that point, I just wanted to take him home with me, but he'd gotten pinged about some work shit he had to absolutely be in to take care of the next day, otherwise he would have happily "missed" his train. At some point during this, he somehow managed to pick my ass up and put me against the wall and told me how much he wanted to "fuck my brains out." Now, I've lost like 40lbs this year, but I'm still far too heavy to ever think someone would do that with me, but he did it somehow and holy fuck, it was hot as shit. Anyway, he almost did miss his train just trying to stay as long as possible and had to run down during the last call and just have a quick goodbye.

I went home in a fucking puddle and couldn't even keep my damn head upright on the drive home, I was in such a daze and just melted into my seat. Feel like most people got this sort of experience in high school or college, but that was basically the first date I've ever actually been on, even if that wasn't really the plan initially. I've never gotten that kind of treatment in my entire life, nor have I ever been given the kinds of compliments he gave me and fuck me, it was incredible. He did say he was glad he wasn't able to stay overnight, since he didn't want to spoil a day of treating me with some banging, since he didn't want me to feel used. I would have been happy to do it, but I agree it ended on a nice note. Anyway, he's coming back down next week and I absolutely will be taking him home with me this time.

I will say, I don't really know what to do with the situation, though. We've agreed that we're not committing to anything and are just going to enjoy what we've got for now until either of us is ready to move on/finds someone else. I'm still in a fucked up spot in life with no job, still fresh out of the divorce, still figuring out what I actually want vs. will settle for because it's better than nothing. I don't want to rush into something new and am not in a position to do so anyway until I can sort my shit out and I also don't want to fall into the same trap like with the ex where I just get attached to someone simply because they gave me attention I wasn't getting before. It makes me feel guilty as fuck, though, because while I like him and I care about him a ton, there's a couple things that just make a relationship with him not viable for me, the biggest one being location. He lives in NYC and he loves it there, his family's there and the family business he works for is there. I, however, absolutely despise NY state and I never want to go back after leaving there a few years ago. I also absolutely hate NYC and do not want to live there at all, or in any big city, for that matter, but I would never ask or expect someone to just uproot themselves for me like that and would feel awful if someone did. I know he wants something more, and I've been as upfront and plain and clear as I can that I can't give him something committed or long-term or anything like that. He says he understands, but I am fucking terrified of hurting him in the future when this eventually ends at some point. I have never seen someone look at me the way he did; he looked like the happiest mother-fucker in the world and goddamn, his smile would just make me melt. I've told him how worried I am that I'm going to hurt him and that if what we're doing is too much that we can just cut it off and just stay friends. He says he's an adult, though, and he can handle it and he just wants me to be happy and that I can't hurt him. I also just worry that I'm using him, though it's not like I don't care for him in return and want to make him happy, too.

I'm trying to just enjoy what we have in the now and not worry about the future with this, but just seeing and hearing how happy he is just to be around me and then thinking about taking that away from him someday just kills me. Talked with my therapist about it and yeah, just like with the ex, I need to stop feeling responsible for other peoples' emotions, so long as I've been honest about things. If he wants to still give me all this care and attention even knowing it's not going to go anywhere serious, then that's his choice and if he does get hurt, it's not on me at that point. Still doesn't mean I want it to happen, though. I just hope I'm handling this correctly, or as least as well as I can. It's certainly made me feel better lately, though, and made it easier to handle the rest of my bullshit. God, he's so fucking sweet, though; got me a gift card to the local cheesecake place I really like here because he'd remembered me bitching a while back about having to buy myself a slice of cake on my birthdays in the past because my ex wouldn't get me any (since I was too fat) and he refused to let me have to do that again this year.