Friends

P

pwe

Silver Baronet of the Realm
1,291
6,877
From a teenager to mid twenties I had so many, many awesome and unforgettable experiences with friends (albeit different friends over time). Like fishing, computer games, movies, just hanging out, all kinds of stuff. But in late twenties it just fizzled out. I'm not sure why, maybe people grew up and I didn't. Or maybe I grew up. In any case, I've been trying to get that back for 20 years but to no avail. I am grateful I had all these experiences to look back at, but it sucks that it is not coming back.

Am I the only one?
 
  • 1Like
Reactions: 1 user
Koushirou

Koushirou

Log Wizard
<Gold Donor>
5,826
15,508
Had a similar thread here: Making friends

But to answer your question, sounds like no, you're not the only one. I have no advice, though, as I haven't had friends in person outside of my ex-husband's since like elementary school.
 
Kithani

Kithani

Vyemm Raider
2,169
3,077
This seems pretty natural as people grow up, get married and start families tbh. It has been affecting my childhood friends particularly those who were only children.
 
Gravel

Gravel

Mr. Poopybutthole
46,908
169,605
Absolutely, although I've only recently realized PTSD from 3 deployments kind of fucked me up and made it difficult for me to connect to people, leave the house in general, and be sociable.

It's been hard to cope with realizing that the last 20 years I've essentially had no real friends outside of my wife.

I've had work acquaintances. I play video games every few months from different states with my brother in law and one of his coworkers. I like hanging out with my drum teacher, but I see him every other week for a couple hours, pay him for it, and he's also in his 70s (although as I get older I don't particularly care about age differences). But I probably haven't had a close friend since I was about 20 years old.

But I look back on grade school and I was friends with so many people. I had friends in multiple cliques and basically just got along with everyone. I miss just hanging out shooting the shit.
 
  • 1Like
  • 1Solidarity
Reactions: 1 users
Hatorade

Hatorade

A nice asshole.
9,519
9,192
Any hobby that other people do, go do it, become best friends. Best part is you never see them unless you doing that hobby, makes your free time more valuable. For me that is currently dirt bikes.
 
  • 1Like
Reactions: 1 user
Cad

Sheriff Cad

scientia potentia est
<Nazi Janitors>
32,889
78,666
You're definitely not the only one, people get more socially isolated as they get older, mostly by choice.

1775949447529.png


Think about what "hanging out with your friends" meant when you were young. How much time did you spend just sitting there doing mostly nothing in the company of your friends and you guys just shot the shit and and fucked off?

You don't want to do that anymore as an adult, right? You got shit to do, you want your entertainment productive and timely and not a waste of your time. You can't go sit at your boy's house and wait for him to get ready, wait for friends, someone forgot their wallet, have to run to their house... by the time you get to the "out" place, it's 11:30pm and you're thinking about shit you have to do tomorrow.

My $0.02 - if you want to feel like a kid again, act like a kid. Go do dumb shit. Ask your friends (or prospective friends) if they just want to hang out. Bring some drinks or some joints or whatever your poison is, and just hang out. No expectations.

But also Hatorade Hatorade is exactly right - for men most friends are activity friends, like a car racing friend or a video game friend or a sport friend. Thats how you met, thats the stuff you do together. Thats fine too, but I'd make activity friends and then try to convert them into general-purpose friends.

Friendships as an adult take work, they take patience and forgiveness, and they take you not doing your #1 preferred activity all the time (and the friend too).

It's no wonder most people just talk to randos online, people suck and take work, and nobody feels like they have time to waste while they also doomscroll 6 hours a day.
 
  • 4Like
Reactions: 3 users
Borzak

Borzak

<Bronze Donator>
28,636
38,667
A lot of variance on what people consider a friend. I know people that claim they are good friends with someone I knew years ago. They say they do things often together. Then I ask what that person is up to, what kind of work are they into, where did they move to? Umm I don't know. I would put them into aquaintence category.

I have a very small number of actual friends that we do things a couple of times a year together and have for about 30-35 years. As mentioned I know some people that at least claim to do things with their friends multiple times a week.s I know a lot of people from work over 35 years dealing with a number of companies. I would not consider any of them friends.
 
  • 1Like
Reactions: 1 user
Noodleface

Noodleface

A Mod Real Quick
39,570
18,156
Checking in as well.

I don't have a solid friend core, just a bunch of transients that enter and leave my life over time. Some repeat customers.
 
Identikit

Identikit

Redneck Pornographer
<Bronze Donator>
2,581
5,246
I remember struggling with this when I was in college and my mom telling me "Usually after highschool or college, there are no friends, it either really matters and is a relationship, or its not". At the time I didnt believe her, but now at 40 its for the most part true.

The one advice I can give is have a skill or talent that you can share and experience with others. I ended up moving out of state from my core group of friends that I bonded with when I was younger. We still talk on discord and sometimes rarely play jack box while drinking or some shit, but we all have kids and lives worth being invested in now.

Luckily I have been into making art, and music since I was very young, and have always been able to use that to bond with others that are interested in sharing some sort of musical/creative relationship for a while. I dont really want to make it big with music or art and just see it as a means for expression or therapy. Usually the people I connect with are veterans/exmil around my age and have similar music interests oddly enough. Lately I have been jamming with a group of veterans. Its fun for now, I doubt it will be a permanent sort of friendship but we all are enjoying ourselves for now.

Ultimately what I am saying is that if you are in your post friend era, the best thing you can do to get yourself around new people to connect with is have a care free hobby, or constructive hobby that you can execute with others. You might be lucky and find a few friends, but dont get too attached to it if thats something you would see yourself doing.
 
Wantonsoup95

Wantonsoup95

Ahn'Qiraj Raider
1,276
5,108
Friendship in your 40s is not talking to people for months on end and then picking up right where it left off. Don't think more into why no one is contacting each other, it's the grind stage in life.
 
  • 1Solidarity
  • 1Like
  • 1Truth!
Reactions: 2 users
Khane

Khane

Got something right about marriage
21,788
15,722
Somewhat related to this thread and making/keeping friends. This documentary was pretty interesting:


Essentially, Americans have largely stopped creating/joining clubs/associations/groups. And individualism has been on the rise for decades.

In other words, a lot of people have just kind of forgotten how to form lasting social relationships.
 
  • 2Like
Reactions: 1 users
Phazael

Phazael

Confirmed Beta Shitlord, Fat Bastard
<Gold Donor>
16,181
36,410
Cad and Khane have the most critical reasons, but to summarize it takes effort to make real friends once your out of the education bubble and not forced to interact with a bunch of people you might otherwise avoid interacting with. Most people have co-workers and maybe a hobby community as their sole source of social engagement once they settle into a career. This is the natural order of things, but the Information Instant Gratification Age has greatly amplified that effect. Personally, I have a handful of drinking/board gamer friends, my German club, and of course my wife as my entire social circle. I don't even talk to family much. All by choice, as Cad alluded to for most older people. As for clubs, those require effort, a common interest, and people who can lead them. Between what has happened to our education system and the great social black hole that is the Covid Lost Generation, most of that has been lost on the younger generation. The rise of cancel culture cannot be helping either, since any social interaction with lots of people risks having your existence cratered if some blue haired Karen decides they need to make an example of you.

In short, it's rough out there but find a club if you can and maybe hang out with an older crowd who has not lost those things. And treat your early childhood relationships like what they are, happy memories that are over and done. Most people change significantly when you take away the peer pressure, structure, and get exposed to the real world. Very few, if any, friendships survive this. This is not a bad thing. It is just growing up.
 
  • 2Like
  • 1Solidarity
Reactions: 2 users
Cutlery

Cutlery

Kill All the White People
<Gold Donor>
8,100
25,660
Phazael said:
In short, it's rough out there but find a club if you can and maybe hang out with an older crowd who has not lost those things. And treat your early childhood relationships like what they are, happy memories that are over and done. Most people change significantly when you take away the peer pressure, structure, and get exposed to the real world. Very few, if any, friendships survive this. This is not a bad thing. It is just growing up.
Click to expand...

I joined a chess club, because I'm pretty fucking good. Turns out that while I'm in the top 5% of people who play chess, I'm in the bottom 25% of people in chess clubs. So that's fun getting my ass kicked by 8 year olds.

I joined a gun club.

Now I'm the fuckin president. So, buyer beware with that.
 
  • 2Worf
Reactions: 1 users
Koushirou

Koushirou

Log Wizard
<Gold Donor>
5,826
15,508
I ended up joining the local community choir to try to get some social time with people, but haven't had much luck with it. Probably doesn't help that I think I'm the youngest in the group by far; it's silver-hairs all around. The place I went to trivia nights on Fridays closed down, so that's gone (though I'd just go by myself, but occasionally would talk to some folks).
 
  • 1Solidarity
  • 1Thoughts & Prayers
Reactions: 1 users
Borzak

Borzak

<Bronze Donator>
28,636
38,667
Almost all of my friends were people I knew in college. Small school and extemely close in my major. We hunted and fished together in college and afterwards. It helps I guess that what we did together then they still do and also part of their job as biologist or land managers.

I do have one friend that I was best man at his wedding. No idea why we are friends. He has a nursing PHD, two kids, his wife is a nurse practioner. Me? Not so much.

Groups. I used to fly giant scale R/C planes. I knew a few guys and we would talk at the field or maybe travel an hour together to another flying field, but that was it.

None with people I work with at all. I guess it comes down to try and run into a variety of people. I am not a people person at all.
 
Last edited:
ShakyJake

ShakyJake

<Donor>
8,525
21,169
I’m a software developer, but surprisingly none of my coworkers share my interests, so I haven’t made any friends at work. I reconnected with an old high school friend a few years ago, but quickly realized we don’t get along anymore. I keep our conversations casual out of respect for our past.

At this point, I don’t really mind... I’m content with my own company.
 
  • 1Like
Reactions: 1 user
You must log in or register to reply here.