@gavinrad There"s some truth in that. When I started the relationship with this girl I actually talked to my ex who I had lived with, via email, about how things fell apart with us. And things basically fell apart here for the same reason. I"m not an affectionate person, my passive approach at times to things and my approach to problems (I get over stuff very quickly, too much energy wasted on anger, etc), and I tend to go through periods of time where I just don"t put in the effort. Last one probably sounds like most long term relationships, but as a trio it"s a bad recipe for someone to keep things together.
@Vimeseh: I have almost no doubt the dude who this happened with would be with her if she told him that. If she wanted to drop me and be with him, I think she could. They were friends (as a result of them sharing a best friend) before this, but I told her if there"s anyway to repair things the guy cannot be involved in our life, at all. On the surface it may seem like an unreasonable demand to say someone can"t talk to one of their friends, but I don"t think it"s unreasonable. She needed to choose which relationship meant more to her and go that route. If she wanted to try things out with him, I would not and will not be there for her, and if she wants to fix things with me, I cannot have him on my mind at all. I"m not the jealous type, but now that I know what his true intentions were, I don"t want to have to think "is he called her because of X, Y or Z", I just don"t deal with that call at all. I made my terms pretty clear and I won"t compromise on them right now.
@Tarrant: people tend to pigeon hole cheating with this and while I think there"s a lot of truth to it, and the past has shown us this is normally the case, there are exceptions to every rule. No idea if I"m right or wrong, but I"ve made my bed with at least attempting at giving her a shot at redemption. There"s plenty of things people do in their relationships and even to their family that would show how "much" (little) they mean to them, but that doesn"t really mean its true. Never come close to fighting a friend, or called someone you cared about really filthy names, or talked shit about a gf in a way, that if they heard it, would crush them? I"ve done those things or things like them to people throughout my life, where on thesurfacethey would show that I don"t value their feelings or them in my life, but that doesn"t make it true.
At this point I"m not even talking about my relationship specifically.
edit:
another recap to show that"s not always true
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:Again. I left her last summer for no reason. Talk about the ultimate "show someone you don"t care about them" move. Honestly, no reason other than exhaustion.
Then she was talking to a dude and I didn"t care, told her as much with my actions. Never texted or talked anymore, just lived my life the day after we broke up as if it never happened. Never considering what she was going through.
Eventually, like all idiots who make a mistake, I realized I had made one. Tried to come back, but she couldn"t trust me. That she was depressed and sad and I wasn"t there at all. I completely took her for granted. Her friends knew, messaged me and I would say things like "people grow apart sometimes, it happens, there"s nobody to blame here" or something of that nature. I still had feelings for her, I just didn"t want to put in the work. I didn"t try to date anyone. I hooked up a few times -- with girls who were friends, burned some bridges when they realized it wasn"t "real" and all that jazz.
It took weeks to get her back. And she had nothing to go off of but my word and my actions. She had a guy ready to treat her great. Early part of a relationship, who can beat that? There"s no fights, no drama, you don"t know how someone is at their worst, etc. She gave me a chance, and I probably didn"t deserve it; the way she doesn"t really deserve one now. But I treated her well, I was faithful and when she fucked up, I didn"t throw her away. She may fuck me over in the end, but she deserves a chance to fuckup too, to try and fix things, etc.
I realize the relationship sounds terribly dramatic because this is all you"ve heard about it, but 18+ months without a real fight (as in goes into the next day, someone is REALLY fucking furious, etc). No "fake" breakups, no threats, etc. A very healthy and happy relationship 97% of the time. She is not good with confrontation at times and it lead to my complacency going on in a way that I thought was okay for a while. We"ve only been back together for 8ish months right now (still long for me in general), but I recognize I definitely slipped in a "45 year old with kids" sort of comfort level during June. This is not an excuse to cheat on someone, but I am not without fault. People don"t like to recognize that though
Outside of her friends, only 1 person in "my life" knows about our breakup (no dramatic facebook change). I"ve kept this to myself for reasons that show on FOH just when you tell someone. She will always be judged based on this action, not the other 25 months that I"ve known her, but rather then last few days of her road trip. I want to be sure before that judgement comes down. Partly for myself, but also because I know the lasting effect it will have on people like my "girl-friends". The one person who knows is an old booty call too, and she tried to get me to go out tonight (have to wake up at 5 or I might"ve). So this isn"t just a case of needing attention from a girl or needing to get my dick wet, it"s really about the girl who fucked up
