ToeMissile
Pronouns: zie/zhem/zer
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Girls who broke your heart thread
- Thread starter Aychamo BanBan
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dear sally,
(i"m drunk and posting omg)
i"ve been in a relationship for the past 2 years off and on with a 36 y/o mother of 3.
she is gorgeous beyond compare, frisky as all hell and wants sex all the time. i myself, however, find myself split over spent time with her, and following my own ambitions/goals/dreams i have yet to achieve. Mind you, she is quite unforgiving for the latter, as all free time "should" be spent with her.
I am 25, and work a crap restaurant job where I make pretty good money. She is 36 and works at the same place (red flag?!) making roughly the same while paying for a shitload more in bills (read: kids). Her kids, however, are wonderful. 10, 12, and 16, from an exhusband who lives less then a 500 yards from her place (and is a military nut who fucking hates my ass).
I am very interested in pursuing my own time and goals at this point, yet am drawn towards working things out with her (my family hates the fact Im dating an older woman with kids).
What, in your oh so wondrous guidance of the counsel-sort, do you think I should do? I could move in with her within a month and be "spent" (She has set up an "ultimatum of - move in by december or be done -). She is wonderfully attentive and affectionate, gives me all the sex I could ever want, and only wants me to focus solely upon her and setting up a life with her immediately.
What"dya think? (re: I"m drunk, so I"m sorry in advance)
(i"m drunk and posting omg)
i"ve been in a relationship for the past 2 years off and on with a 36 y/o mother of 3.
she is gorgeous beyond compare, frisky as all hell and wants sex all the time. i myself, however, find myself split over spent time with her, and following my own ambitions/goals/dreams i have yet to achieve. Mind you, she is quite unforgiving for the latter, as all free time "should" be spent with her.
I am 25, and work a crap restaurant job where I make pretty good money. She is 36 and works at the same place (red flag?!) making roughly the same while paying for a shitload more in bills (read: kids). Her kids, however, are wonderful. 10, 12, and 16, from an exhusband who lives less then a 500 yards from her place (and is a military nut who fucking hates my ass).
I am very interested in pursuing my own time and goals at this point, yet am drawn towards working things out with her (my family hates the fact Im dating an older woman with kids).
What, in your oh so wondrous guidance of the counsel-sort, do you think I should do? I could move in with her within a month and be "spent" (She has set up an "ultimatum of - move in by december or be done -). She is wonderfully attentive and affectionate, gives me all the sex I could ever want, and only wants me to focus solely upon her and setting up a life with her immediately.
What"dya think? (re: I"m drunk, so I"m sorry in advance)
Bail. Trust me. You sound like you"re not ready to settle down, and even if you are you"re going to regret settling down in circumstances like those sooner or later. She sounds like a good woman though so be nice, let her know how you feel promptly; don"t string her along because the sex is good.Erinye said:
Bad idea Erinye. Solely the fact that you are already seeing some of your own life ambitions flushing before the move-in stage. My younger brother had the same problem for years, loved them 10 years above himself.
In the end its alot easier on you to use the deadline to hit it and quit it efficiently.
In the end its alot easier on you to use the deadline to hit it and quit it efficiently.
Bail now.Erinye said:
Pros: You are getting laid.
Cons: Everything else.
Why even ask this question, you know it"s retarded.
Let"s see, throwing away absolutely all of your personal and career goals for an insecure woman that is 50% older than you, with 3 kids, and to work at a restaurant for the rest of your life?
There"s no way that can go wrong
edit: I just realized I have 2222 posts, therefore I dedicate this post to Mitch Hedberg.
There"s no way that can go wrong
edit: I just realized I have 2222 posts, therefore I dedicate this post to Mitch Hedberg.
Djay
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Aachamo? Sorry...had to be said.Crell said:
An important person in your life unexpectedly died less than two months ago. It"s normal to still be in shock. I wouldn"t be surprised if the first thing your mind still does is think to call her when something really good or bad happens to you. You need to convince your subconscious that it is okay to move on.
But, what someone else said is right. Nobody here is qualified to help you. Talk to that grief counselor.
I feel you, dude. My 18-year old kid sister got killed in a car accident (by a speeding police officer w/o his lights on, mind you). It"s going to take a long time to get to the point where life feels normal again, but it will happen.Crell said:
The thing that used to happen to me is I would go through bouts of insomnia where 5-6 nights a week I would wake up about 20 minutes after I initially fell asleep and start freaking out, thinking about how even after she died, I could hear her computer fan blasting, smell the lingering perfume near her door at my parents house, all that kind of shit. Flashbacks of the scene, dealing with lying cops and such. I completely mentally freaked out, thought there"s no point in living if it all just ends in blackness and a bloody handbag near a thrashed SUV.
The one thing that helped me out was thinking about the future, in the long term. Every time I would freak out, I would feel an incredible sense of urgency, like my life was going to end in the next year, and what have I done with my time?
It was about 8 or 9 months for me where I thought there was no point in doing anything on this earth, whatsoever. Everything felt absolutely pointless, and even though everyone told me "dude, life is worth living," I couldn"t bring myself to agree. The thing I eventually realized is its not that life is worth living or the planet or society is anything special, but rather that I myself am worth pursuing and developing. Just focus on your talents, what you can do that makes you unique, and realize that even though it literally does feel like gravity tripled and you can barely walk, in the long term, you"re going to be happy. It"ll happen for you.
Get together with some friends and drink a few beers or some wine, don"t get drunk, just hang out, and you"ll realize that your friends love you, you can make people laugh, your life is worth pursuing. It sounds very self-centered, but I don"t mean this to take the focus off of your gf. It"s not that it helps you forget about her, but it strengthens your ability to accept what has happened if you feel good about your own self.
Also:
1 - get a haircut - seriously, I remember very distinctly the first haircut I got after my sister died and how much more I felt ready to take on living. Sounds silly but it made me feel better, at least temporarily.
2 - don"t go fucking a bunch of girls thinking it"s going to help. it"s just going to make you more miserable.
3 - don"t drink yourself into a hole. if you"re miserable and miss your gf like I miss my sister, stay alert of your feelings and don"t try to escape them.. days are gonna come even years down the line where you just break down into tears at the most inopportune time. just let that happen...
I never saw a grief counselor, but my mother and sister did. I can"t say that I would recommend it, seeing what happened with them - maybe the counselor wasn"t doing the best job but it seemed like they weakened as human beings, conceded their own willpower and started blaming all their mistakes on the grief. It made them (especially my mother) unwilling to acknowledge any sort of self-respect. At least that"s how I saw it.
Hope this helps, man. I know exactly how you feel...
Don"t look to other people to try to make you feel better about it. God dammit if the most annoying thing in the history of humanity isn"t when people tell you "she"s in a better place now." Just say sorry, and move on. Talking about it with other people doesn"t help anyone unless you have something you need to say.
Now would also be a good time to re-evaluate things in your life you"d been tolerating and just remove them. Consider moving, getting a new job, all that kind of stuff. When my sister died, for a few months I kept dating this girl I had been seeing since before her death. When I finally looked at the situation I was in, I realized "life is too fucking short," and kicked that bitch to the curb.
See your friends as often as possible. Realize your own value - it"ll help you deal with the extreme emotional and mental cacophony you"re experiencing.
Eomer
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As I"ve said in the past, I"m just rolling with things and taking it as it comes. If that"s all this turns out to be, woo, I got some play from a hot young waitress.Dis said:
As it turns out, my bud must have spoken with her further after I left, because late last night I get a couple texts from him:
"What does *myname* do?"
"I board every day almost in the winter!"
I had no idea what the hell he was talking about and asked, he replied back they were texts from her and that she said to pass along her number. I haven"t had a chance to talk with him so I"m still unsure what he"s told her about me, but obviously he mentioned that I like to hit the mountains a lot and apparently she does too.
lol Eomer, you"re hopeless.
Your response means one thing and one thing only = $$$
Will you ever learn?
Your response means one thing and one thing only = $$$
Will you ever learn?
So what are you going to do instead? Show up there at 11p,, get a beer and creep on her while she works to maybe talk to her after she"s off her shift and exhausted?Eomer said:
That sound more appropriate?
Reading what you"ve posted throughout this thread Eomer, honestly I think maybe you should just stop trying so hard to meet someone. You"d be surprised how much easier it is to meet women when you aren"t constantly worrying about it and prowling restaurants or your brother"s wedding.
On top of that why do you over-analyze everything so much? You"ve made several posts about this waitress chick and you haven"t even spoken a word to her. Christ, just walk into the restaurant and ask her out.
On top of that why do you over-analyze everything so much? You"ve made several posts about this waitress chick and you haven"t even spoken a word to her. Christ, just walk into the restaurant and ask her out.
i agree with everyone on the counseling, just take your time with this, time heals all wounds brotherCrell said:
They did there autopsy, took whatever samples they needed and released the body. It will still take 6-8 weeks (from the time it happened) for them to release an answer. Unless of course it was an obvious death. (ie, she got shot in the head)
Thanks for the kind words. The biggest problem I have right now is hindsight. I should have seen this coming. She needed to go see a doctor for awhile (weight gain, skin problems, shaking, depression), but no matter how much I would try to convince her she wouldnt go. She always thought it would be a financial burden. ( I worked and she did not, so she didn"t want to "waste" my money like that is what she always said). I kept telling her that was nonsense, and that I would rather see her healthy.
But, I do do some crazy things now. Right before bed Ill talk to her in my head. Tell her about my day. Things like that. I know I am most likely just talking to myself, but honestly it feels like she can hear me. I swear when I sleep I can feel her presence, almost like she is in the room with me.
However I did change a lot. Saw my doctor, wich I havent seen in a few years. Getting my heartburn under control. Insomnia is still and issue. I don"t drink nearly as much as I used too. (We used to be able to put down a fifth of Vodka between the two of us a night. And I know that is most likely a factor in her death.) I have good friends around me.
One of them is a girl who I"ve known since highschool. And no I am not trying to date her either. But she has issues with her boyfriend. She already has a kid with another guy, and now is having this guys kid, but he is a controlling manipulative fuck who I would rather see in a gutter than sharing a place with her. And she knows it. She is stuck. But really, when we go out on walks thats what we talk about. My girlfriends death does come up a few times, but she knows that it wont help to talk about it over and over and over. And it makes me feel good giving her advice. Guess it gets my mind off things.
I may see a grief counselor. Ill most likely go once or twice just to see how it helps. Honestly Ive been doing decent enough on my own, but I have no idea on how long that will last.
Really though, it just helps to get it out on a public forum. I dont know why, but letting it out brings me up a bit.
Thanks to everyone for reading, and giving support. It really does help hearing good words.
Great post. I will break my "no one can give you advice here" statement for a moment just to second this part. Don"t avoid the pain with booze or any other substance (which includes obsessive MMO playing). It will keep you mentally fucked up longer doing that.wild_whiskey said:
You should, however, see a grief counselor for longer than "once or twice to see if it works." The cost vs potential gain works out quite strongly in favor of giving it a real shot for a decent period of time. It has the potential to help you out hugely, and even if it ultimately doesn"t help, in my opinion its worth that shot.
To Eomer, seriously, you haven"t spoken a word to her. You shouldn"t be even allowing yourself to think about it. The friend setting you up together seems like a trainwreck to me, but that"s sorta an unqualified impression. Clearly though, don"t go in to her work to see her and hopefully chat together, like she seemed to suggest for Saturday (was that this past saturday?). You"ll just be waiting around while she works and every now and then she"ll throw you a bone of conversation when she has time. I think you know enough to know that makes you look about as pathetic as possible.
And because you overthink things, here is a step guide generalized to relationships. There is one simple rule:Do not move on to, or think about, the next step until you have completely the previous step.
Step 1: Talk to her.
Step 2: Ask her out.
Step 3: Go out with her.
Step 4: Have sex with her.
Step 5: Be exclusive with her.
Step 6: Marry her.
Step 7: Have children with her.
Step 8: Divorce her.
Can I just say it irritates me to no end how dudes refer to their friend"s as "bud" or "buddy." I"m not even sure why it"s just so annoying to hear "Hey yeah my buddy and I were out last night." It seems like something you"d see on the back of an Ed Hardy shirt.