Girls who broke your heart thread
- Thread starter Aychamo BanBan
- Start date
Brad2770
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What I have learned that has helped me (at least when it comes to women) is:
Its ALL or NOTHING.
Either she wants you all of what you want or you give her nothing. It may be fucked up thinking, but its the only thing that helps me keep what sanity I have left.
Dont respond to her at all, Eomer. If she was truly interested still, she knows what you want and would come and get it. Unless she gets a tit job and wants you to come over and try them out. keke
Its ALL or NOTHING.
Either she wants you all of what you want or you give her nothing. It may be fucked up thinking, but its the only thing that helps me keep what sanity I have left.
Dont respond to her at all, Eomer. If she was truly interested still, she knows what you want and would come and get it. Unless she gets a tit job and wants you to come over and try them out. keke
Eomer, sounds really, really like she is probing for attention. Have you told her that you like her random comments in the past? If so, it"s definite probing for attention. Seriously, just don"t message her. Brad is right (I happen to speak the foreign language that he typed in, I believe he said if a girl doesn"t want all of you, e.g. relationship/sex/etc, you should give her nothing, aka no lets be friends bullshit). The lets just be friends thing is total bullshit anyway. And what kind of person wants to be friends with someone who is obviously infatuated with them? I get really irritated when I feel like I can do no wrong with someone and eventually come to despise them.
What are you getting out of texting her? Just cut it off, you aren"t gonna get over her if you don"t. Legit friendships are flat out impossible after an emotional relationship.
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Update on new Korean girl, I"m renaming her DG for donut girl. I think I left off on first lunch date. Turns out she owns the donut store where she works and I met her at. Also, she is 31 years old, while I"m 24/almost 25. Totally fuckin awesome. Never dated an older chick because I look really young and the girls that seem most attracted to me are illegal.
Had 2nd date last week, took her to the restaurant with my absolute favorite food in Korea. With in 2 minutes I was getting the most intense "kiss me" eyes I"ve ever seen, though she was completely unaware of it (more later). I don"t know how girls don"t know they"re giving this, it"s the most obvious thing on earth, or maybe they don"t think their emotions show as much as they do. Anyway..
.
Ate, had a -few- drinks, and after I suggested we grab a beer, and go to the park near my house (public drinking is legal here). It was a big beer to share so we needed to run to my apt to grab some glasses, and she sat right down when we got inside, so I just decided to stay there. We chatted for a while, I showed her some pics of home, etc. I could feel the convo winding down because I do most of the talking and was running out of things to say since she"s very nervous around me I think. She was sitting in my rolly chair so I grabbed her knees and sorta pulled/rolled her towards me at a moderate pace, then went for the kiss and...........
....she backed out haha! Now, I did this little move because 2nd date kiss is VERY unusual in Korea and I knew she wouldn"t expect it (but I knew she was ready for it, since I got the kiss me eyes earlier), so I wanted her to have a second or two to prepare. Well, she backed away out of nervousness, in my head I"m thinking well this is over and also sorta laughing because I"ve never got denied like that, but on the outside I"m playing it ultra cool and lean back a bit with a sorta confused look on my face. She pauses for a second and leans back in and we kiss...very awkwardly. Now the beauty with Korean girls is they never, ever hide their facial expressions. You can read every thought in their head. And what I read when I leaned in to kiss her was sheer panic, followed by a head-tilt and quick evaluation of what to do, then the realization that she was interested, to nervously trying to reinitiate the kiss not knowing if I would reciprocate after she just denied me.
The awkwardness kinda made the date shitty in my mind, though I"m certain she didn"t sense it. I didn"t talk to her again till the following night when I stopped by her store on my way to meet a friend. Set up lunch for Saturday. On Saturday we just got lunch & ice cream. Ice cream place was empty w/ an unstairs so we had some privacy. She was leanin sorta close half-initiating a kiss, so I leaned in and realized she had some fuckin peanuts and shit on her lips. Gross. On well, powered through it and this time she was much more relaxed and it was actually enjoyable. Shortly after I kinda smirked confidently & lightheartedly said "you were a little shocked on thursday weren"t you?" to which she laughed and said yea with only minimal embarrassment, and I laughed in return and said ahh its okay. Then, most importantly, immediately changed the subject so she wouldn"t get uncomfortable.
Been txting back and forth a lot lately, she sends me a lot of shit in Korean which takes me a god damn eternity to translate because, while my Korean is pretty solid for only 5 months, its no where near conversational level. It"s entertaining though and I think she gets a kick out of causing me to strain. She works about 70 hours a week so I"m lookin at lunches and 1 night every 2+ weeks most likely. At least she has a legit reason for being busy, unlike most Korean who work 55+ hours a week as a no name cog in a wheel, building towards nothing.
I just realized I typed a god damn novel about what amounts to a kiss. This country is destroying my manly demands. My penis is not happy with this.
The main differences between DG and the other girl is (1)distance (2)me. We live in the same city and I pass near her work every time I"m going to Seoul or even hanging out in my city so I can drop in whenever I want and I do so strategically. But most importantly, I have modified my expectations. I don"t even look for reciprocation, I just act on the assumption that she likes me and wants to hang out with me. And I know ahead of time that absolutely everything we do is planned and suggested by me. If she were to take some initiative it would only be an extremely pleasant surprise with an unlikelihood lying somewhere between millie actually being a female and your dog talking to you. The other one actually had the edge in conversation since she wasn"t as timid and our sense of humor was actually identical. She was a little too girly-mind-gamey / retarded (I never know which one it actually is, I guess it doesn"t matter) though. And, I did take some advice from someone in this thread a while back who reminded me that the girl is dating me for me the american, not me the korean-approximation. So I act more like myself and bring her into my world, so to speak, and I sense its a lot better.
What are you getting out of texting her? Just cut it off, you aren"t gonna get over her if you don"t. Legit friendships are flat out impossible after an emotional relationship.
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Update on new Korean girl, I"m renaming her DG for donut girl. I think I left off on first lunch date. Turns out she owns the donut store where she works and I met her at. Also, she is 31 years old, while I"m 24/almost 25. Totally fuckin awesome. Never dated an older chick because I look really young and the girls that seem most attracted to me are illegal.
Had 2nd date last week, took her to the restaurant with my absolute favorite food in Korea. With in 2 minutes I was getting the most intense "kiss me" eyes I"ve ever seen, though she was completely unaware of it (more later). I don"t know how girls don"t know they"re giving this, it"s the most obvious thing on earth, or maybe they don"t think their emotions show as much as they do. Anyway..
.
Ate, had a -few- drinks, and after I suggested we grab a beer, and go to the park near my house (public drinking is legal here). It was a big beer to share so we needed to run to my apt to grab some glasses, and she sat right down when we got inside, so I just decided to stay there. We chatted for a while, I showed her some pics of home, etc. I could feel the convo winding down because I do most of the talking and was running out of things to say since she"s very nervous around me I think. She was sitting in my rolly chair so I grabbed her knees and sorta pulled/rolled her towards me at a moderate pace, then went for the kiss and...........
....she backed out haha! Now, I did this little move because 2nd date kiss is VERY unusual in Korea and I knew she wouldn"t expect it (but I knew she was ready for it, since I got the kiss me eyes earlier), so I wanted her to have a second or two to prepare. Well, she backed away out of nervousness, in my head I"m thinking well this is over and also sorta laughing because I"ve never got denied like that, but on the outside I"m playing it ultra cool and lean back a bit with a sorta confused look on my face. She pauses for a second and leans back in and we kiss...very awkwardly. Now the beauty with Korean girls is they never, ever hide their facial expressions. You can read every thought in their head. And what I read when I leaned in to kiss her was sheer panic, followed by a head-tilt and quick evaluation of what to do, then the realization that she was interested, to nervously trying to reinitiate the kiss not knowing if I would reciprocate after she just denied me.
The awkwardness kinda made the date shitty in my mind, though I"m certain she didn"t sense it. I didn"t talk to her again till the following night when I stopped by her store on my way to meet a friend. Set up lunch for Saturday. On Saturday we just got lunch & ice cream. Ice cream place was empty w/ an unstairs so we had some privacy. She was leanin sorta close half-initiating a kiss, so I leaned in and realized she had some fuckin peanuts and shit on her lips. Gross. On well, powered through it and this time she was much more relaxed and it was actually enjoyable. Shortly after I kinda smirked confidently & lightheartedly said "you were a little shocked on thursday weren"t you?" to which she laughed and said yea with only minimal embarrassment, and I laughed in return and said ahh its okay. Then, most importantly, immediately changed the subject so she wouldn"t get uncomfortable.
Been txting back and forth a lot lately, she sends me a lot of shit in Korean which takes me a god damn eternity to translate because, while my Korean is pretty solid for only 5 months, its no where near conversational level. It"s entertaining though and I think she gets a kick out of causing me to strain. She works about 70 hours a week so I"m lookin at lunches and 1 night every 2+ weeks most likely. At least she has a legit reason for being busy, unlike most Korean who work 55+ hours a week as a no name cog in a wheel, building towards nothing.
I just realized I typed a god damn novel about what amounts to a kiss. This country is destroying my manly demands. My penis is not happy with this.
The main differences between DG and the other girl is (1)distance (2)me. We live in the same city and I pass near her work every time I"m going to Seoul or even hanging out in my city so I can drop in whenever I want and I do so strategically. But most importantly, I have modified my expectations. I don"t even look for reciprocation, I just act on the assumption that she likes me and wants to hang out with me. And I know ahead of time that absolutely everything we do is planned and suggested by me. If she were to take some initiative it would only be an extremely pleasant surprise with an unlikelihood lying somewhere between millie actually being a female and your dog talking to you. The other one actually had the edge in conversation since she wasn"t as timid and our sense of humor was actually identical. She was a little too girly-mind-gamey / retarded (I never know which one it actually is, I guess it doesn"t matter) though. And, I did take some advice from someone in this thread a while back who reminded me that the girl is dating me for me the american, not me the korean-approximation. So I act more like myself and bring her into my world, so to speak, and I sense its a lot better.
For a frame of reference, I was chatting with my Chinese language partner about relationship-type things for well into the months before she had the courage to make a move.
You"re going pretty fast, chief.
You"re going pretty fast, chief.
Eomer
Trakanon Raider
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When we first started dating and she was staying over, she"d often out of nowhere ask random shit after 10 minutes of silence, and I did find it kind of endearing. I would imagine she knew that.
Not getting much, as I said, other than picking at the scab. You"re absolutely right about the first part, although the second part I would add a caveat: so long as either party still has those feelings. I think it"s possible to be legit friends with someone you once had an emotional relationship with, I"m friends with several exes and they"re no different than any other friend.
But in this case you"re absolutely right, being "just" friends isn"t really possible, at least not for the time being.
Yeah, that"s the thing though, it was never really discussed, that we were gonna be friends after. I told her I didn"t hold ill will against her, but I certainly never offered that we should remain friends after, and neither did she really. It was pretty open ended, we didn"t discuss at all what our association would be after the relationship, if anything.
I don"t know if she still thinks/knows that I"m "infatuated" with her, or whatever word you"d use. As I said, since the breakup literally all communication between us has been initiated by her, whether to arrange getting her ticket from me (and when she did get it I cut the meeting as short as possible and literally walked away from her) or sending me her Jack Handey thoughts. She"s pretty insecure, looking back, and perhaps the lack of communication on my end of things is eating away at her fragile little mind. "What"s wrong? Why isn"t he drunk dialing me or sending me boxes of flower petals and stuffed animals? Is he mad at me? I hope he"s not mad at me!"
I mean the whole dynamic of our relationship revolved around that looking back: when she had stopped seeing Jay in the months leading up to our meeting, it was her who had stopped seeing him. On the ski trip we met on, she was sitting right beside my bud, his GF, and me talking about the whole Xerxes situation up to that point, and later on during the bus trip that night I was at the back of the bus making out with another chick. In the first month of our relationship I was still occasionally talking to or seeing Xerxes, and made no secret of it. But once Xerxes had moved on to the new guy, Jay had found a new woman, and I"d fallen hard for her suddenly she lost interest in me and she thought she wanted Jay again.
So who knows, maybe Jay"s after her again and she"s confused that I"m not hanging around her, not to mention that the couple times she saw me at Folk Fest I was hanging out with my bud"s two cute cousins from Ireland.
But then again, perhaps Tenks is right as well and there"s really not much to be read in to things.
Tarrant
<Prior Amod>
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Wall of text inc, I will spoiler it so it wont take up a ton of space on here. Read if you want, give input, advice the usual if you feel like it. It"s going to be filled with a lot of details if for nothing else then for me just to get it all off my chest. This is pretty much going to be a detailed account of the last 2 weeks. For those that don"t know, I didn"t decide to roll over and die over us breaking up and either do the "all or nothing" or the begging her to come back, I choose a middle and what I thinkto be higher ground and so far, things seem to be working, you be the judge.
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:Okay well It"s been about 3 weeks since Crystal and I broke up, the first week we didn"t talk hardly at all, she came over and we chatted about a few things that first week but I turned into a giant vagina, burned my man card and asked her how we could work things out. Basically if there was something I could do wrong at this point....I fucking did it. Big mistake I know and I"ve yet to revert to that mode again, I got some help, bought some material, re-evaluated my life and got my shit together as far as who I am as a man and where I went wrong, where to fix it and so on and so forth. I"ve got someone pretty much coaching me with advice when I need it and honestly....the dude is a fucking genius.
It"s night and day as far as when her and I now hang out. Before where we hung out sometimes you could tell it was awkward, she knew I wanted more....she wasn"t interested, I cried....the end.
Now I"m confident, shes "seeing" someone else who lives like fucking 90minutes away, she wont see him again till near the end of sept....it"s an old ex of hers she dated briefly a year or so ago that things ended with because of various reasons, one of which being he was far away. She really liked the guy (okay loved, it"s just hard to admit that shit) and she still does, I think she needs to go through this again where she needs to realize what she did before.
In the mean time, I"ve put my own plan into action. Last Sunday she stayed the night, I think she was intrigued by some of our phone conversations we had had and wanted to see some things for herself. She also knows there are a couple other girls on the line with me now and she admitted to being jealous. Good signs right there in itself.
Anyways....
Like I said, she stayed the night, her main reasons being she said she wanted to do laundry (her machine broke) Well ya know that may seem like something else all together...but she only had two loads....she came over at 11am and ended up staying the night....there was more then laundry involved as far as I can tell just from that alone.
So anyways, we were out shopping for some things for dinner when my boss from work called me and chewed my ass out in a most royal fashion, to the point where I had to walk away from her and her son just so I didn"t feel like a total ass in front of them and subject them to the conversation. After about 10minutes I went back as the convo was ending, I hung up, smiled at her and said "well lets continue shall we?" she asked if I was okay and I smiled and said "sure why wouldn"t I be?" and continue shopping.
Her jaw dropped.....let me explain for a second that I at one point lost most self respect for myself, one of the major things that pushed Crystal away I"m pretty sure, me being insecure. When something like this would happen (My boss is high strung) I would let it bother me pretty bad to the point where it would ruin my day if not a couple days which would also stress her out. "Wow...." she said "Before you never would have been like this....I"m proud of you hun....wow" and she pet her hand on my back and rubbed back and forth, kept it there for a few moments and we continued on our shopping. I was pretty happy at this point, she was seeing change and she was liking it....fucking awesome.
That night we cooked together, watched movies with her son, played some games, shared a ton of laughs, danced (did the twist of all things and just fucked around laughing our asses off the entire time) drew on each other with pens like we were fucking 16 and had a good time in general. There was flirting going on, a couple of things were grabbed playfully (clothing remained on at all times) a couple quick kisses were exchanged throughout the day and night, both cheek and lips and it was just like old times honestly. Things took a serious turn for a few during the card game we were playing after her son fell asleep.
She looked at me and smiled and told me that it was like night and day the person I was and who I am now. She told me that I"m now much more like the guy I was when her and I started dating and that she was having a blast, hadn"t had this much fun in a long time and thanked me for dinner, the great night and being such an awesome guy.
Shortly after she announced she was tired, her son was sleeping in my guest room in his crib and she could have went to sleep in there but she instead opted for my bed. (My room doubles as my living room, I keep my bedroom open for when my kids come to visit and otherwise call it the guest room, so her crawling into it wasn"t something she went out of her way to do so much) She stopped half way into my bed, turned around, looked at me and asked if I would tuck her in. I smiled at her and said sure, did so and went to crawl out of bed (had some things I needed to do before bed and wanted to show I wasn"t going to follow her like a puppy dog into bed) but she grabbed my arm and put it around her and said "Can you stay here with me till I fall asleep?? I miss all of this...."
Score.
I stayed there until her breathing evened out and then went about my business, nothing sexual happened and that"s fine.
Following morning she had an appointment and I had to get ready for work, one of her gripes from our relationship was I didn"t help her enough in the morning with her son when she had to go, so when she was in the shower, I got him dressed, got some of her stuff around and put it in the car for her. She noticed right away, sat down, wasn"t rushed for once and we drank a cup of coffee together. She looked at me and we talked a bit about the past again and she said "you know for the first time, I honestly hope things can change between us." Also the night before, she began referring to me as "dada" again with her son. Also another tibbit....she hid from the guy she is kinda seeing that she stayed at my place, he called that morning and she put her finger over her lips to hush me so he didn"t hear....to me that shows she felt she had something to hide, another good sign.
She left shortly after that but not before we planned on meeting up the following Wed. She wanted to take her son to the park and walk around the lake.
Throughout the week we chatted, met up on WoW and played together on there she even called me a few times, something she hadn"t been doing. Things seemed to be going in the right direction.....not as fast as I would like but I understand no matter how much it sucks, I can"t rush the shit without ruining everything I"ve worked for this far.
K well yesterday hit (Wed) I decided I would stop being the "well I dunno...what do YOU want to do" kinda guy and made different plans for us, I wanted to show her I could take charge and we could have fun. It"s a good thing I did becuase we had tornados and rain in the afternoon ruining any outdoor plans, I took us to an indoor park/play area we had always wanted to go to before and never did and we had a blast. On the way over we were stuck in traffic for an hour and her son threw up in my back seat. (he"s only 18 months old and is prone to that kinda thing) I didn"t get upset like I usually would have (looking back on it I was kinda a spastic ass it seems) reached behind my seat, got the wipes out of the diaper bag and she turned around to clean him up. As she went to turn back around I started having fun with her and stomping on the gas and hitting the breaks, she started screaming and laughing, this continued for a good minute or so until I let her sit back down, she was laughing hard, leaned over and gave me a kiss.
Shortly after we were clear of traffic and I was following the GPS, I had no idea where this place was and she didn"t know where we were going. She kept trying to open the menu on the GPS, I kept slapping her hand away until finally I took hold of it, she laughed then I let go...she tried again, I took her hand, she stopped and about 10 second later I let go and AGAIN she did it, finally I took her and and didn"t let go, I noted her pinky lightly stroking the inside of my palm. This continued for about 5 minutes.
The day progressed well we originally were only going to hang out for a few hours, I took note of it and asked if she needed to go, she said no and we continued our activities. We had a great time, there was a lot of touching again and more kissing then the last time, no extended kisses, but much more lip to lip contact then the previous time we hung out....we went out to dinner and on the way home things took a slight serious tone again. She mentioned that her mom thought I was trying to get back with her. I laughed it off and she pressed the issue and asked if I was. Backed into a corner I said I still had feelings for her but whatever happened is what happened.
She nodded and told me she really loved hanging out with me again, She has nothing but great times but for now until her reservations about if the changes she seen in me will last or not friends we shall remain. She said she wants us to get to know one another again (something I myself have said as well) and we can take things from there. As far as us she said, we can cross the bridge when we get to it. She then gave me a kiss and said she was having an unbelievable good time with me again though and thanked me for the wonderful evening.
Her school starts back up next week and she mentioned how she"s going to be busy but that maybe she can sneak over to my place like she used to when we first started dating. (her mom babysits for her and if she got off school early she would come to my place instead of going home) We also made plans for her staying the night next weekend as well.
This brings to a conclusion what has happened so far.
I love this girl, and her son. I want this to work and I think I"ve seen enough and heard enough to have justification to think there CAN be something more between us again. I think I just need to give it time, keep doing what I"m doing and show her I"m still the guy she fell in love with before. The guy who is helping me seems to think the same and he"s much smarter then I am with this stuff. In the mean time though it sucks..a lot, and knowing she has feelings for this other guy sucks but I have to have the attitude that in the end this other guy is just going to make me look even better.
I think I"ve done well so far, I"m sure others here will rip on me or whatever for going through this much effort but in the end -I"M- the one that fucked this up and I"m of the attitude that i -AM- going to fix it. I don"t think it"s to late considering this past week or twos events. What do you guys think?
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:Okay well It"s been about 3 weeks since Crystal and I broke up, the first week we didn"t talk hardly at all, she came over and we chatted about a few things that first week but I turned into a giant vagina, burned my man card and asked her how we could work things out. Basically if there was something I could do wrong at this point....I fucking did it. Big mistake I know and I"ve yet to revert to that mode again, I got some help, bought some material, re-evaluated my life and got my shit together as far as who I am as a man and where I went wrong, where to fix it and so on and so forth. I"ve got someone pretty much coaching me with advice when I need it and honestly....the dude is a fucking genius.
It"s night and day as far as when her and I now hang out. Before where we hung out sometimes you could tell it was awkward, she knew I wanted more....she wasn"t interested, I cried....the end.
Now I"m confident, shes "seeing" someone else who lives like fucking 90minutes away, she wont see him again till near the end of sept....it"s an old ex of hers she dated briefly a year or so ago that things ended with because of various reasons, one of which being he was far away. She really liked the guy (okay loved, it"s just hard to admit that shit) and she still does, I think she needs to go through this again where she needs to realize what she did before.
In the mean time, I"ve put my own plan into action. Last Sunday she stayed the night, I think she was intrigued by some of our phone conversations we had had and wanted to see some things for herself. She also knows there are a couple other girls on the line with me now and she admitted to being jealous. Good signs right there in itself.
Anyways....
Like I said, she stayed the night, her main reasons being she said she wanted to do laundry (her machine broke) Well ya know that may seem like something else all together...but she only had two loads....she came over at 11am and ended up staying the night....there was more then laundry involved as far as I can tell just from that alone.
So anyways, we were out shopping for some things for dinner when my boss from work called me and chewed my ass out in a most royal fashion, to the point where I had to walk away from her and her son just so I didn"t feel like a total ass in front of them and subject them to the conversation. After about 10minutes I went back as the convo was ending, I hung up, smiled at her and said "well lets continue shall we?" she asked if I was okay and I smiled and said "sure why wouldn"t I be?" and continue shopping.
Her jaw dropped.....let me explain for a second that I at one point lost most self respect for myself, one of the major things that pushed Crystal away I"m pretty sure, me being insecure. When something like this would happen (My boss is high strung) I would let it bother me pretty bad to the point where it would ruin my day if not a couple days which would also stress her out. "Wow...." she said "Before you never would have been like this....I"m proud of you hun....wow" and she pet her hand on my back and rubbed back and forth, kept it there for a few moments and we continued on our shopping. I was pretty happy at this point, she was seeing change and she was liking it....fucking awesome.
That night we cooked together, watched movies with her son, played some games, shared a ton of laughs, danced (did the twist of all things and just fucked around laughing our asses off the entire time) drew on each other with pens like we were fucking 16 and had a good time in general. There was flirting going on, a couple of things were grabbed playfully (clothing remained on at all times) a couple quick kisses were exchanged throughout the day and night, both cheek and lips and it was just like old times honestly. Things took a serious turn for a few during the card game we were playing after her son fell asleep.
She looked at me and smiled and told me that it was like night and day the person I was and who I am now. She told me that I"m now much more like the guy I was when her and I started dating and that she was having a blast, hadn"t had this much fun in a long time and thanked me for dinner, the great night and being such an awesome guy.
Shortly after she announced she was tired, her son was sleeping in my guest room in his crib and she could have went to sleep in there but she instead opted for my bed. (My room doubles as my living room, I keep my bedroom open for when my kids come to visit and otherwise call it the guest room, so her crawling into it wasn"t something she went out of her way to do so much) She stopped half way into my bed, turned around, looked at me and asked if I would tuck her in. I smiled at her and said sure, did so and went to crawl out of bed (had some things I needed to do before bed and wanted to show I wasn"t going to follow her like a puppy dog into bed) but she grabbed my arm and put it around her and said "Can you stay here with me till I fall asleep?? I miss all of this...."
Score.
I stayed there until her breathing evened out and then went about my business, nothing sexual happened and that"s fine.
Following morning she had an appointment and I had to get ready for work, one of her gripes from our relationship was I didn"t help her enough in the morning with her son when she had to go, so when she was in the shower, I got him dressed, got some of her stuff around and put it in the car for her. She noticed right away, sat down, wasn"t rushed for once and we drank a cup of coffee together. She looked at me and we talked a bit about the past again and she said "you know for the first time, I honestly hope things can change between us." Also the night before, she began referring to me as "dada" again with her son. Also another tibbit....she hid from the guy she is kinda seeing that she stayed at my place, he called that morning and she put her finger over her lips to hush me so he didn"t hear....to me that shows she felt she had something to hide, another good sign.
She left shortly after that but not before we planned on meeting up the following Wed. She wanted to take her son to the park and walk around the lake.
Throughout the week we chatted, met up on WoW and played together on there she even called me a few times, something she hadn"t been doing. Things seemed to be going in the right direction.....not as fast as I would like but I understand no matter how much it sucks, I can"t rush the shit without ruining everything I"ve worked for this far.
K well yesterday hit (Wed) I decided I would stop being the "well I dunno...what do YOU want to do" kinda guy and made different plans for us, I wanted to show her I could take charge and we could have fun. It"s a good thing I did becuase we had tornados and rain in the afternoon ruining any outdoor plans, I took us to an indoor park/play area we had always wanted to go to before and never did and we had a blast. On the way over we were stuck in traffic for an hour and her son threw up in my back seat. (he"s only 18 months old and is prone to that kinda thing) I didn"t get upset like I usually would have (looking back on it I was kinda a spastic ass it seems) reached behind my seat, got the wipes out of the diaper bag and she turned around to clean him up. As she went to turn back around I started having fun with her and stomping on the gas and hitting the breaks, she started screaming and laughing, this continued for a good minute or so until I let her sit back down, she was laughing hard, leaned over and gave me a kiss.
Shortly after we were clear of traffic and I was following the GPS, I had no idea where this place was and she didn"t know where we were going. She kept trying to open the menu on the GPS, I kept slapping her hand away until finally I took hold of it, she laughed then I let go...she tried again, I took her hand, she stopped and about 10 second later I let go and AGAIN she did it, finally I took her and and didn"t let go, I noted her pinky lightly stroking the inside of my palm. This continued for about 5 minutes.
The day progressed well we originally were only going to hang out for a few hours, I took note of it and asked if she needed to go, she said no and we continued our activities. We had a great time, there was a lot of touching again and more kissing then the last time, no extended kisses, but much more lip to lip contact then the previous time we hung out....we went out to dinner and on the way home things took a slight serious tone again. She mentioned that her mom thought I was trying to get back with her. I laughed it off and she pressed the issue and asked if I was. Backed into a corner I said I still had feelings for her but whatever happened is what happened.
She nodded and told me she really loved hanging out with me again, She has nothing but great times but for now until her reservations about if the changes she seen in me will last or not friends we shall remain. She said she wants us to get to know one another again (something I myself have said as well) and we can take things from there. As far as us she said, we can cross the bridge when we get to it. She then gave me a kiss and said she was having an unbelievable good time with me again though and thanked me for the wonderful evening.
Her school starts back up next week and she mentioned how she"s going to be busy but that maybe she can sneak over to my place like she used to when we first started dating. (her mom babysits for her and if she got off school early she would come to my place instead of going home) We also made plans for her staying the night next weekend as well.
This brings to a conclusion what has happened so far.
I love this girl, and her son. I want this to work and I think I"ve seen enough and heard enough to have justification to think there CAN be something more between us again. I think I just need to give it time, keep doing what I"m doing and show her I"m still the guy she fell in love with before. The guy who is helping me seems to think the same and he"s much smarter then I am with this stuff. In the mean time though it sucks..a lot, and knowing she has feelings for this other guy sucks but I have to have the attitude that in the end this other guy is just going to make me look even better.
I think I"ve done well so far, I"m sure others here will rip on me or whatever for going through this much effort but in the end -I"M- the one that fucked this up and I"m of the attitude that i -AM- going to fix it. I don"t think it"s to late considering this past week or twos events. What do you guys think?
"Just friends" I feel is relatively impossible for guys to be after an emotional relationship but I"ve found girls are much more willing to jump into a "just friends" relationship following one. Girls are different from guys because I feel males prefer to have fewer, closer friends where girls still gain social stature from the raw number they have. Also it is almost impossible for guys to break a "best friends" bond unless somethingmajorhappens. I have, however, seen many females break "best friends" bonds over things that strike me as relatively trivial.
It"s food for thought. You can"t always examine their actions as "if I felt this way about someone I liked this is what I"d do" because girls brains work in a different way than a males.
It"s food for thought. You can"t always examine their actions as "if I felt this way about someone I liked this is what I"d do" because girls brains work in a different way than a males.
Eomer
Trakanon Raider
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^You"re absolutely right about females vs. males in terms of friends. Most girls will have one or two extremely close friends, and then a larger network of friends that come and go. But even those one or two extremely close friends can be tossed aside and replaced every couple of years, as you said over stupid shit.
Whereas most guys will have a "core" group of dudes anywhere from a few to a dozen, and that group will in all likelihood remain friends for the rest of their lives even if they break apart to live elsewhere etc.
Whereas most guys will have a "core" group of dudes anywhere from a few to a dozen, and that group will in all likelihood remain friends for the rest of their lives even if they break apart to live elsewhere etc.
Case in point. My girlfriend moved out of her house where she was living with 3 other girls. One girl thought she (my girlfriend) took more than her fair share of moving bags. They had a couple dozen, my girlfriend said about half were probably hers, and used around 5. Well this other girl threw such a fit they have not talked for almost three months now (basically last time they talked was when she accused her of grand theft shopping bag.) It is just silly.
Now my best friend and I cannot hang out as much as we used to. I moved two hours away for my job. But we still talk, maybe once or twice a week, and text a ton (even more now that NFL has started.) It just goes to show you that guys are willing to make things work and girls are willing to throw things away. That is why relationships are so difficult with them sometimes.
Now my best friend and I cannot hang out as much as we used to. I moved two hours away for my job. But we still talk, maybe once or twice a week, and text a ton (even more now that NFL has started.) It just goes to show you that guys are willing to make things work and girls are willing to throw things away. That is why relationships are so difficult with them sometimes.
I hope it goes well, but if she is anything like girls I know then she is getting exactly what she wants from you, with very little of what you want. She is obviously still seeing the other guy, but at the same time she can have all the fun she wants with you and none of the commitment. She can ask for relationship crap like "Stay "til I"m asleep" without giving anything back. A lot of what you think are "Score" moments seem more like face-palm moments to me.Tarrant220 said:
I hope it works out, and it could be completely different to situations I have been in/been aware of (she has a kid for one), but I would be careful. You don"t want to be begging for her back, but I can"t help but expect you to hear something along the lines of "What is wrong with us like we are now?" when in a few weeks you ask where things are going.
Tarrant
<Prior Amod>
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That thought has gone through my head and as well honestly, and I like to think I know her well enough that this isn"t the case. She"s a pretty strait shooter and loyal to a T, if she was fully committed to the other guy then she would be with no other business going on on the side. She"s not an attention whore and is more then content with just spending time with her son as opposed to trying to get attention from guys in general. It was like this before and while we were together it"s still the same.
I"ve been in the situation you just described (my divorce) and none of it feels like this. She knows I"m seeing other people casually and she knows unless a full commitment were to happen I"ve honestly no interest in playing around.
Like I said, i fucked up the situation, now it"s up to me to fix it, If I can"t....well I can"t and I move on. At this point I KNOW I could move on, I"d just rather see if I can fix it first and by all of what has happened so far I think there is something there to build off of, more and more has happened as we"ve hung out more and more I just need to get everything to that edge, see if I can get things over it and if not, move on.
I"ve been in the situation you just described (my divorce) and none of it feels like this. She knows I"m seeing other people casually and she knows unless a full commitment were to happen I"ve honestly no interest in playing around.
Like I said, i fucked up the situation, now it"s up to me to fix it, If I can"t....well I can"t and I move on. At this point I KNOW I could move on, I"d just rather see if I can fix it first and by all of what has happened so far I think there is something there to build off of, more and more has happened as we"ve hung out more and more I just need to get everything to that edge, see if I can get things over it and if not, move on.
Tarrant, if even 1% of what you posted is a result of any advice I"ve given, I"d consider that time well spent for me. Have to give you huge props for the attitude change and the way you are handling it.
You hit on a key point that anyone who is tryin to get back with an ex should be thinking about (of course, only once you answered the question to which the answer is almost always no: is she irreplaceable?): you have toactuallychange. You can change your game up but if the end goal isn"t to actually improveyourself, the girl is just gonna realize it eventually. That is why her caution, tarrant, is very understandable. I"d wager that <5% of all people (I"d say 1% but I"ll be generous in thought) have never changed/improved anything significant in their thought and behavior style, so when you encounter someone who has, it"s usually a fraud. That"s probably why she"s cautious; she has good reason to be.
But good luck with it. There are a lot of potential issues and this is an area I have no experience in. 3 weeks is one hell of a short time to really change yourself. Taking the first step is the biggest hurdle but how you handle stress, how to handle some circumstances after 3 weeks is going to by default be the same way you did it 3 weeks ago. It takes time to change habits and the way you deal with the world. For this reason, I"d be cautious about representing a new, changed you. You aren"t changed, you have just set on a path to become changed. A more realistic approach, imo, is to represent that you have recognized your faults and have set out to become a better man. That will also make any regression (which is inevitable on certain occasions for the first few months/years) seem like the hurdle that it actually is, rather than a hole in your big huge lie.
There is also the balance between being a man and not waiting around forever (losing her respect for you) and being patient and understanding for someone you care about who is in a 100% perfectly justifiable position.
And again, don"t be too available. Absolutely everything in your post, assuming it"s accurate, sounds like you are handling it absolutely perfectly. But, I see the possibility of being so available biting you in the ass. Except, you never mentioned if you have ever denied her and for what reason (e.g. other plans) so I don"t know. Just once or twice in the first month saying "oh thatd be great for you to come over, but i have plans that night" is enough. I"m sure this isn"t an issue, sounds like whoever is giving you advice knows what he"s talkin about. And of course, don"t ever give up dating other girls until she has shown a commitment to you, and in some way "earned" your commitment to her. Beware of her giving shit to you about it, it is likely a test.
Also, I wanna ask a favor, that you update the story one way or another. Usually when things work out and there are no more worries, we aren"t inspired to write about it, but I"d like to see how it turns out for my own curiosity. It is one area of knowledge I"m very lacking in. And its not really to help me if I"m ever in that circumstance, this sorta thing is just very interesting to me on an academic level.
You hit on a key point that anyone who is tryin to get back with an ex should be thinking about (of course, only once you answered the question to which the answer is almost always no: is she irreplaceable?): you have toactuallychange. You can change your game up but if the end goal isn"t to actually improveyourself, the girl is just gonna realize it eventually. That is why her caution, tarrant, is very understandable. I"d wager that <5% of all people (I"d say 1% but I"ll be generous in thought) have never changed/improved anything significant in their thought and behavior style, so when you encounter someone who has, it"s usually a fraud. That"s probably why she"s cautious; she has good reason to be.
But good luck with it. There are a lot of potential issues and this is an area I have no experience in. 3 weeks is one hell of a short time to really change yourself. Taking the first step is the biggest hurdle but how you handle stress, how to handle some circumstances after 3 weeks is going to by default be the same way you did it 3 weeks ago. It takes time to change habits and the way you deal with the world. For this reason, I"d be cautious about representing a new, changed you. You aren"t changed, you have just set on a path to become changed. A more realistic approach, imo, is to represent that you have recognized your faults and have set out to become a better man. That will also make any regression (which is inevitable on certain occasions for the first few months/years) seem like the hurdle that it actually is, rather than a hole in your big huge lie.
There is also the balance between being a man and not waiting around forever (losing her respect for you) and being patient and understanding for someone you care about who is in a 100% perfectly justifiable position.
And again, don"t be too available. Absolutely everything in your post, assuming it"s accurate, sounds like you are handling it absolutely perfectly. But, I see the possibility of being so available biting you in the ass. Except, you never mentioned if you have ever denied her and for what reason (e.g. other plans) so I don"t know. Just once or twice in the first month saying "oh thatd be great for you to come over, but i have plans that night" is enough. I"m sure this isn"t an issue, sounds like whoever is giving you advice knows what he"s talkin about. And of course, don"t ever give up dating other girls until she has shown a commitment to you, and in some way "earned" your commitment to her. Beware of her giving shit to you about it, it is likely a test.
Also, I wanna ask a favor, that you update the story one way or another. Usually when things work out and there are no more worries, we aren"t inspired to write about it, but I"d like to see how it turns out for my own curiosity. It is one area of knowledge I"m very lacking in. And its not really to help me if I"m ever in that circumstance, this sorta thing is just very interesting to me on an academic level.