Distance doesn"t make the heart grow fonder.
We broke things off last night in a mutual way. That"s my first mutual breakup... it hurts a lot less than any before have. I think it also hurts less because we"ve been growing distant for so long. The last 3 months her new job has barely let us see each other. She put it very well when she used words like "stagnating" and said that we weren"t growing. It"s what I had felt. We don"t have the ability to do things together, or to grow, to learn. We"re too tired when we do see each other, and she hasn"t even been able to drive out to see me for a couple of months. It"s been an extra burden on my time, energy, and the gas money for 90 mile round trips.
She asked me what I was thinking, and I admitted I was thinking about how hard the distance is. And she asked me another question worrying about us and that launched off a nearly three hour conversation.
I wailed when I pulled into the driveway here after getting home. This place isn"t a "home", it"s more like a prison. For the first time in my life I"ve felt like I"ve had a home when I stay with her and her family, and I"ve gotten pretty close to her mother, something I"ve never had with my own. Instead of feeling the heartache of feeling lonely and forlorn because my girlfriend is so far away, now I just feel... really alone and numb. I"m not sure what I look forward to right now, or where I will look for personal comfort. My previous ex, who has been my best friend since we broke up last year, has been really really bitchy lately and I don"t really feel like talking to her because of it.
I guess the hard part is that we have a lot of friends coming over to her halloween party this saturday. I"m still heading over on Friday to help decorate, spend the night, and have the party. I mean, I took vacation from work and it"s the last time I"ll get to party or relax until like February, so....
It"s just, we"re going to pretend we didn"t break up for the party. Neither one of us wants to be hit on or end up doing something drunk and stupid, and both of us have the potential of a trampage when alcohol is involved. That is going to be very hard.
Plus the sick irony is that I was going to get friday night through tuesday morning to spend with her. I have to be in town monday for an appointment, and now I just... a party is one thing but I don"t think I can spend all those days there just the two of us.
We did grow a lot individually together. We came together with different fears of rejection and relationship problems, and for a time, had something really, really beautiful. I am not looking forward to starting over and having to go through all the trust and bullshit again, and going through the awkward period of learning to be comfortable with our bodies in front of a new partner.
A friend of mine got hit by a truck and almost died yesterday. She"s tripping on drugs and liquor. She has suggested I join her in the painkilling experience, so at least I won"t have to drink alone tomorrow.
edit: and since I am sure people are going to ask, yes, there is a discussion of who gets to keep the toy. it was always too big for me so I told her she should keep it for her next girlfriend. If it were a bad breakup we"d probably just throw it away. Dunno, she still might, but that"s her call.
