Kids? or No kids?

Did you discuss that before getting married?

If you don't want kids, don't have kids. Its not fair to bring a kid into the world if you will resent them. If its a deal breaker for your wife, you might need to rethink the marriage.

But this should have been a discussion before getting married.

Nostrovia_sl said:

My wife and I will be married 2 years next month.
She's on birth control right now, the Nuva(sp) ring. Been working so far.

However, she wants kids as I guess most women want a baby or two at some point. I, however, cannot stand kids and have ZERO desire to have kids.

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First of all, I hope you made these feelings perfectly clear before you got married. If not, you are in for some marital troubles and I don't envy you for that.

Outside of personal desire, one of the main reasons I want kids is that almost everyone I know that has had them has talked about how much they have enriched their lives. I personally think of myself as pretty awesome and am fairly certain if given the chance I can produce an offspring even more awesome than myself. I can't put my finger on anything specific, but when I see parents out there with their kids teaching them to do the things that I love to do (skiing, mountain biking, baseball, etc.) I get envious that I don't have that in my life. I also just think of what would have been if my parents decided they didn't want kids. I feel so lucky and blessed in my life and I want to pass that gift on.

Chysamere_sl said:

Age is pretty much irrelevant when it comes to guys having kids. You aren't going to hit the downslope of fertility for decades.

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What about age in regards to being a father. My dad had me pretty young (24). I also have some friends whose fathers are way older than mine. I can tell you that the relationships they have with their fathers are vastly different than the relationship I have with mine. Obviously there are many things that factor into that, but I do think age is a apart of that.

Nostrovia_sl said:

It was discussed before the marriage, she doesn't want kids immediately. We both wanted to get established financially first, which we have.
Before our marriage we agreed that it would be at least 3 years before we attempt having a baby, but I don't think I'll be ready... I don't think I'll ever be ready.
However, she did bring it up the other day in regards to my age. I'm 30 years old and not getting any younger.

It is a topic we discuss from time to time, but it's not a "deal breaker"... I don't think. Yet, anyway.

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I mean there's nothing wrong with you not wanting kids. You're not a bad person for not wanting kids.

But the problem is that you knew that she wanted kids. For sure. And it doesn't sound like you were honest with yourself or her about the situation.

If you don't want kids and you don't think you're going to change your mind you need to seriously consider ending the marriage now to be fair to both of you.

I would say that I am much closer to my dad in my "older" age now than most of my friends with theirs. My dad can, for lack of a better term, "hang" with me and my friends and vice versa. I can really see and hang out with my dad on a day-to-day basis and he can relate to my life because he is not that far removed from it. Where as a lot of my friends dads will go into the "back in my day" routine.

Basically I can still be friends with my dad. I feel if you are to much older and/or removed from you kids generation you won't be able to relate to them as well.

In the end the answer is if you don't want kids, tell your wife and discuss where you want to go next. Don't mislead or have the kid to try and salvage the marriage.

If it is just an "I don't feel ready" thing, no one ever feels ready. It is always a shock exactly how much your life changes, and you always feel like you have more left to do before you have the kid. If you legit do not want kids, well then you need to have a talk with your wife. Sooner rather than later.

I always wanted kids, that was just something I knew I wanted and without it I would not feel like my life is complete. Of course that isn't necessarily true, your perspective on life changes as you go on. But that is how I felt, and if my wife didn't share my feelings on this and didn't tell me, I would have been pretty pissed.

Older fathers made headlines several years ago when researchers at the Mount Sinai School of Medicine reported that a man over 40 is almost six times as likely as a man under 30 to father an autistic child. Since then, research has shown that a man's chances of fathering offspring with schizophrenia double when he hits 40 and triple at age 50. The incidence of bipolarity, epilepsy, prostate cancer and breast cancer also increases in children born to men approaching 40.

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From Wall Street Journal:What's That Ticking Sound? The Male Biological Clock

I can't advise you you to have kids or not, but I have friends that have said the same as you(don't like kids)and the truth is that they were just afraid.None of them regret having kids and are happier in life.

Honestly I don't think many guys really like kids all that much, at least not the way women do. However, once you have your own child it will change everything for that child who is your flesh and blood. You'll still despise all these other people's brats though and now you'll have to deal with them due to your kid(s). But if you had a kid the lightbulb would go on for you and all the parental feelings will manifest.

If you strongly felt you never wanted to have kids then you shouldn't have gotten married. You should know every woman getting married is going to want kids at some point, even if she's a type A career driven women when you first get married. Having a stable home and mother for kids is the only reason for a man to ever get married in the first place, otherwise your gender is on the losing end of the deal in every possible way. So you dun fucked up.

opiate82_sl said:

Outside of personal desire, one of the main reasons I want kids is that almost everyone I know that has had them has talked about how much they have enriched their lives.

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I always hear that, and I always feel like it's just an excuse people tell themselves. I say it to people with kids all the time. Kids are a fucking nightmare like 95% of the time. Everyone agrees on this. But parents will tell you it's that 5% when they do something cute/awesome that makes them glad they're parents. I'm sorry, but that's gotta be bullshit.

My wife and I tried for a year to have one, shortly after our niece was born. I'm so glad we didn't have one. She's an awesome kid. But if I have to babysit her for an hour by myself? Fuck my life.

Elurin_sl said:

I always hear that, and I always feel like it's just an excuse people tell themselves. I say it to people with kids all the time. Kids are a fucking nightmare like 95% of the time. Everyone agrees on this. But parents will tell you it's that 5% when they do something cute/awesome that makes them glad they're parents. I'm sorry, but that's gotta be bullshit.

My wife and I tried for a year to have one, shortly after our niece was born. I'm so glad we didn't have one. She's an awesome kid. But if I have to babysit her for an hour by myself? Fuck my life.

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So you seriously think that most people are just lying to themselves? That all the bullshit isn't worth the payoff, and if we were all honest, rational human beings and if it wasn't illegal, we'd just ditch the kid in a park somewhere, and be better off ?

I'm saying the vast majority of people would be much happier if they weren't parents. People are compassionate, so I'm not saying they'd kill their kids. But they're lying to themselves when they say they're so much happier because of their kids.

You won't be the first reluctant father this world has ever seen. There's nothing much anyone is going to say to you that's going to be personally useful.

From what you've said the stark reality seems to be that you made a pact with this woman and it's come time that your wife wants to be paid. You're either gonna have to share your toys or take them home. Shit be changing. If you deny her a child shit gonna get ugly... no matter how nice she is and how much you love each other.

I'm not down on you at all. I honestly do hope for your sake it's simple reluctance and apprehension and not that you thought she'd forget about the three year plan. Cause if that's what it is, you're boned dude.

Elurin_sl said:

I'm saying the vast majority of people would be much happier if they weren't parents. People are compassionate, so I'm not saying they'd kill their kids. But they're lying to themselves when they say they're so much happier because of their kids.

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I think this statement is far too general. I get the feeling that you're focusing on the 2 am feedings, potty training, and temper tantrums. While it's true that parents of newborns are, in general, perpetually miserable, that's the price you pay for the payoff later on. It's hard to quantify, especially to someone who's never experienced it, but the emotional bond you have with a kid, especially when you can see yourself in them, is invaluable. As evidence of this, you'll notice that the majority of people who are down on having kids are the ones who've never had them. You'll rarely find parents with the finances able to support kids regret the decision to become parents. They can't all be delusional.