Losing your Parents

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Voyce

Molten Core Raider
1,811
338
3d 5h 7m
I just lost my father at the age of 66, I'm not a kid but my Dad never got to retire, never got to see any of his sons married, never saw any grand children.

I'll be 32 at the end of November, I was handling all of the assets* for my mother to make sure she got everything since my father did not leave a will, being the second oldest and not a fuck up.

But seeing as my mom is...I don't think I'm going to help her the rest of the way, or continue interacting with her or my older brother. They're the one's who put him in the grave so early anyway.
 
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Izo

Ahn'Qiraj Raider
9,154
2,468
18d 16h 13m
Sorry for your loss, Voyce. That's too early, indeed. 32, always thought you were my senior, hmm. If I may, try to work on the recentment you have towards your family members if you can, accept their faults and flaws. Life is too short to hold a serious grudge imho. Try to direct your grief elsewhere. Or talk to them about it. It's an unfair burden to have to be the strong, stoik, rational, reasonable and bearing force of a family in a time of passing. It's okay to let go, share the load. Don't break your back on it. All we can really do is be there for our family to the extent it doesn't hinder our own progression and sanity beyond reason. They have to live their lives the way they choose, not necesarily like we think is the most desirable fashion. Hope you come out on the other side soon and well. Condolences.
 
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Ignatius

#thePewPewLife
2,812
1,338
38d 14h 12m
Sucks man. I lost my old man at 29. It definitely changes your perspective on things.
 

Soygen

The Dirty Dozen For the Price of One
<Gold Donor>
26,296
31,747
73d 16h 34m
Condolences for your loss, Voyce. It sucks that you are not close with your mom and brother, but sometimes you have to cut people out(even family) of your life, if they are nothing but a negative.
 
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Falxy-US

Trakanon Raider
823
2,034
8d 1h 18m
I'm sorry man.

What was up with your mom?

My mom died about 5 1/2 years ago, she got to see me married, and see my daughter (her first grandchild) be born (in the room), my daughter was 3 months old when she died.
 

Springbok

I'm rich, biaaaaatch
5,432
3,852
45d 9h 43m
I just lost my father at the age of 66, I'm not a kid but my Dad never got to retire, never got to see any of his sons married, never saw any grand children.

I'll be 32 at the end of November, I was handling all of the assets* for my mother to make sure she got everything since my father did not leave a will, being the second oldest and not a fuck up.

But seeing as my mom is...I don't think I'm going to help her the rest of the way, or continue interacting with her or my older brother. They're the one's who put him in the grave so early anyway.
Shit sucks. Lost my old man this summer to cancer at 64 (I'm almost 37). My mother was absolutely codependent on my dad, so the experience of teaching her the most basic shit has been... interesting. It sucks, but I take some solace in the fact that he got to see a grandson be born and make it to his first birthday.

Outside of the actual loss though, the peripheral bullshit is pretty tiring. Dealing with estates, accounts, family etc. Happy to discuss any of that should you need it. Condolences amigo
 

Captain Suave

Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris.
1,223
814
27d 7h 14m
Condolences. I lost my mom to cancer when she was 53 and I was 24.

Don't make any permanent decisions with regard to the rest of your family. Even if they're pains in the ass those are the kinds of choices you might look back on differently, and as we've sadly seen here you never know exactly how much time you've got to make it right.
 
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iannis

Chairman Meow
28,382
22,178
64d 11h 42m
32 is rough. By your 40s you expect it soon. 20s would suck bad too, but I think a different kind of suck.

Condolences.

Shunning family in the way you're thinking about is final. Think about it before you commit to anything. There isn't a rush to do that, you can still shun them in a year. Unshunning them is quite a bit more difficult.
 
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McQueen

Trakanon Raider
1,592
973
30d 22h 7m
I just lost my father at the age of 66, I'm not a kid but my Dad never got to retire, never got to see any of his sons married, never saw any grand children.

I'll be 32 at the end of November, I was handling all of the assets* for my mother to make sure she got everything since my father did not leave a will, being the second oldest and not a fuck up.

But seeing as my mom is...I don't think I'm going to help her the rest of the way, or continue interacting with her or my older brother. They're the one's who put him in the grave so early anyway.
Fuck, sorry man. I lost my dad to cancer in 2014, a few days before my birthday, and a few weeks before his 65th birthday. It was hard; it still is hard. We never really got along. I honestly didn’t understand the seriousness of his cancer (he lied to us) until he told me he loved me, in an email, in which he also called me “a useless piece of shit,” six months before he died. I miss that miserable bastard every day. I still pour him a glass of his favorite scotch on every major holiday.

Give it at least a year before you assign blame and shun family. I’ve shunned my aunt since the funeral, and it’s been for the best. She’s the sole reason I missed his passing by minutes. I’ve also gotten closer with my only cousin on that side of the family. We’ve talked almost yearly, and seen each other twice in the last five years. 👍
 

Rezz

Registered Orca
3,327
1,334
19d 9h 41m
Dad at 18, Mom at 31. Really wish the boomer generation took much better care of themselves.

I feel for your loss, man. It's definitely not an easy thing.
 

moonarchia

The Scientific Shitlord
9,782
15,716
31d 3h 22m
I'm going to be living with my parents here starting in a couple weeks. I'm looking forward to it, because we do get along well, but they are old and none of us are in the greatest of health. So I will be there for the last few days/months/years, which is going to be pretty awesome, but I know that the love and closeness we share is just going to make it hurt that much more when they go.

Sorry for your loss. Give the 'help mom' stuff to your brother and get some distance for a while before you cut them off permanently. Even shitty family is still family.
 
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Synj

Dystopian Dreamer
<Gold Donor>
7,137
30,309
50d 19h 21m
Lost my stepdad about 14 years ago when I was 32, my real dad killed himself last December.

Shit is hard, holidays are hard, losing one of the few people on this planet that ALWAYS had your back is hard.

Sorry about your loss man. Let it make you better. Let your dad know that his death made you better. It's the best thing I can think of to honor them.

But if you're not there yet, give it time and take care of yourself.

Peace.
 

Borzak

Naxxramas 1.0 Raider
15,741
14,399
83d 23h 40m
Sorry to hear that OP. Parents are extremely close. Dad and I were in business together for a while. Mom basically has taken care of me for a few years while I work on some medical issues.

Dad just turned 80 and mom 76. Still going strong as far as I know. Dads mom is still going stronger than all of us at 98. She just stopped driving. She still teaches at the old folks home one day a week. My parents were always older than most of my friends parents. But now friends of mine are starting to lose their parents. Friend lost his dad because he didn't take care of himself, friend is in the medical world and always bugs me about the diabetes. His dad totally wrote off doing anything for his and he kind of projects that onto me.

As far as assets their house is in my name and that is the largest asset. My grandmothers house is in my dads name, and has been for 20 years. My uncle died this morning but him and my aunt didn't really have much to do with this side of the family. He was 92. My mom still holds stuff against her brother in law from 70 years ago. Aunt and Uncle got married and had my grandfather help build them a house since he was a builder. They never paid him back, never helped him out, turned around and sold the house for a large profit and they never helped with my grand dad when he got difficult and hard to care for in his old age.
 
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Izo

Ahn'Qiraj Raider
9,154
2,468
18d 16h 13m
Good read. Did you ever procreate, Borzak Borzak ? I always imagined you living in some large plantation on your own, with your old fashion equestrian statues, managing, lord and land.
 

Lanx

Golden Baron of the Realm
25,492
41,366
111d 14h 22m
I just lost my father at the age of 66, I'm not a kid but my Dad never got to retire, never got to see any of his sons married, never saw any grand children.

I'll be 32 at the end of November, I was handling all of the assets* for my mother to make sure she got everything since my father did not leave a will, being the second oldest and not a fuck up.

But seeing as my mom is...I don't think I'm going to help her the rest of the way, or continue interacting with her or my older brother. They're the one's who put him in the grave so early anyway.
i know your mad, but from now on, try to always end any interaction w/ your mom on a good note, you don't want that to be your lasting memory.
 

Borzak

Naxxramas 1.0 Raider
15,741
14,399
83d 23h 40m
Good read. Did you ever procreate, Borzak Borzak ? I always imagined you living in some large plantation on your own, with your old fashion equestrian statues, managing, lord and land.
Hmm no kids. I've always lived alone. Until the last few years where I lived in a mother in law suite at my parents house due to medical reasons. I got married two weeks ago and we're working out what I'm going to do now. She's pretty close to her parents as well. They were in business together once in a bookstore about the same time Amazon took off so that didn't go well. I still have land but I sold my house about 2 years ago and am living off that money for now.

I've noticed when someone dies how many people (some not even related) assume they know best on what the person wanted for a funeral and burial. Some take offense it's not going there way for some reason. One of the reasons I went ahead and have a will and funeral paid for. Same for my parents and my grandmother. After having seen some in the distant family go bonkers on that stuff.
 
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Voyce

Molten Core Raider
1,811
338
3d 5h 7m
Yeah, I'm going to meet with the Estate Lawyer tomorrow, to be honest I'm doing this because of obligation though and I really am not feeling a lot for my mom right now.

I'm gonna talk about it because it might be cathartic.

So my Dad was married to my mom for 39 years, and they never divorced.

This isn't to say it was a good relationship, it was a terrible relationship.

At some point my mom became the dominant partner of the relationship, and my dad became desperate to simply maintain the marriage.

After that it was just a game to my mom as to how far she could push my dad, which turns out was pretty much as far as she could.

She would break shit, throw shit, throw tantrums, attempt to jump out of moving cars, attack him with knives (on several occasions) slicing him, scratch kick and bite him; all of this unprovoked. Throwing massive arguments over whatever condition she could. Trivial stuff, like the house not being clean enough, his relatives visiting on "short" notice, him not making dinner that she liked (he would come home from work, while she slept all day, and prepare dinner for her).

But because he would never leave her, she would continue to escalate it.

She essentially used my dad as a poison container for all of her emotional problems, and projected every issue she could onto him, because he let her.

My older brother, and even myself and my younger brother to an extent would do the same. Although, my older brother was by far and away the worst.

Eventually after my older brother attacked my father and my mom about 3 years ago (I have a post on it from back then), my mom went ahead and bought a property of her own behind my Dad's back.

Using her concern over her own safety (valid in this case), as an excuse to file for divorce (which she talked about doing for the last 30 odd years). Why a woman decides to get a divorce when she's 60 something years old....

Well as it turned out, my Dad had to hire his own divorce attorney, and apparently the outcome of the divorce would not have favored her. Which is good since although my mom earns decent money, she wasn't the one who paid the mortgage or the important utilities.

So the divorce was halted and my Dad was visiting my mom on a somewhat daily bases (from my understanding).

Around this time my older brother left the country, my younger brother had moved out to start his career, and I have been living on my own for the past decade.

Fast forward to Thursday morning, I get a message from his job which is concerned he hasn't come in (apparently he had taken Monday off already, but they expected him back on Tuesday).

So I hadn't talked to Dad in like two weeks, I had just moved into a new place and was honestly just very busy (Mom and Dad had just come down a few weeks ago to have dinner at the new place)

So I call my mom, who hasn't bothered to check on my Dad, or call any of her children to check on him, even though he was visiting her nearly every day up until that point and she hasn't seen him since Sunday.. (Sunday Morning, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday his work calls).

According to my mom they had gone shopping Saturday night, he slept over on her couch and left Sunday morning.

I call my older brother who, despite being a huge burden on my Dad, is generally always in contact with him. He hasn't talked to Dad since Friday night.

So now I know something is very wrong, and I rush to drive up (50 minute drive)

Well in the time it took me to drive there, my mom call's my younger brother (who only lives a few minutes away), who unfortunately arrives there before me, to find my poor father has died on the floor of our childhood home, and no one was there for him when it happened, and on top of that it had probably happened at least two days ago.

So there's the blame I feel toward my mom for not giving a fuck about the man who took care of her for the last 39 years, the blame I feel for my older brother for being the genesis that caused them to literally separate into two houses, the blame I have toward myself for not being as in touch with my Dad as I could have, and the fucked up feeling that this was my Dad's fault too, for letting himself be sucked dry by the energy vampires that are my mom and brother.

Had he divorced my mom decades back he'd probably be here today. But he didn't, and as consequence of constantly being my mother and older brother's punching bag he got worn down mentally, and he compounded this by not taking care of himself physically (eating a poor diet) which accelerated his decline. So I find that the whole situation is fucked and I feel so many emotions about it, but mostly I hate the idea that this poor man never got to retire, and never got to see his grand children, and now a very substantial amount of wealth will go to my mother, who treated him like shit their entire marriage.
 
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Oblio

<Gold Donor>
4,901
6,582
40d 15h 46m
Thanks for sharing dude. I really empathize with your situation. Best advice I can give is to learn from your parents' mistakes and poor choices. I am sure your Dad would want better for you and the best way you can remember him is to live your best life possible.
 
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