Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Omi43221 said:

All right serious question, I am not even on talking terms with my exwife any more. I would like that to change but not sure where to start or how to go about it. Last few phone calls I did have with her degenerated to the point where I held the phone arms length away and let her scream for 20 minutes.

Just not even sure where to start.

Click to expand...

Well, serious answer. I don't think you do.

If she hates you that much, if she's that hurt over whatever... I think the best you're ever going to get is not screaming. You're never really going to be on talking terms. It will boil down, but even when it does -- she'll lay into you in an inside voice as a matter of habit. For whatever reasons right or wrong you are the enemy.

You can make it worse by trying to reconcile. Just let her scream. She wants her pound of flesh, it sounds like. You better give it to her because if you don't she might just take it from your kids. Keep her focus on you.

iannis said:

Well, serious answer. I don't think you do.

If she hates you that much, if she's that hurt over whatever... I think the best you're ever going to get is not screaming. You're never really going to be on talking terms. It will boil down, but even when it does -- she'll lay into you in an inside voice as a matter of habit. For whatever reasons right or wrong you are the enemy.

You can make it worse by trying to reconcile. Just let her scream. She wants her pound of flesh, it sounds like. You better give it to her because if you don't she might just take it from your kids. Keep her focus on you.

Click to expand...

I don't actually agree with this. No disrespect intended, merely a difference in opinion.

You're never going to get back to a wonderful relationship, but if you can take steps to avoid hateful dialogue with anyone, why wouldn't you? An ex wife is someone with whom you share a substantial history. Being congenial with such a person would be a blessing.

I dunno. I'd rather be on good terms. But how do you accomplish it? I think it's going to just take time and patience, and you're going to have to be the bigger person for the duration.

Yeah, I don't disagree with that.

It's a guessing game about what she wants, what her motivation is for the anger. Is she hurt and she wants you to hurt? Does she just fucking despise you? Kind words will only escalate a situation like that. She'll see it as condescension.

There's an awful lot of reasons that people get angry and it doesn't have to be just one of them. It's probably about five or six of them all at once. And that's a problem because different motivations are more receptive to different responses. And I don't really mean this in an intellectual manipulative way. These responses can be entirely sincere... and should be. For example if she's hurt and wants you to hurt then "This isn't fun for me either" actually helps a little bit. But if she just fucking despises you then "This isn't fun for me either" reinforces the screaming. And if it's both at the same time, which is entirely possible and entirely likely, then you'd just fucking stuck.

It's gonna take time. But let her scream. She will eventually get tired of screaming. And that's when you can start to talk. If you've cut the line before that then, realistically, you just won't get it back.

That really might take YEARS though. And she can be just as nasty without raising her voice, so while less volume is a good step it's not an all clear signal.

And I don't mean like she'll maliciously start beating your kids or something or something cartoonish. I mean you can just assume that she's telling them you're a jackass. But even if she's not, her head is in a not-great place and the kids are not immune to that. But it's also not gonna scar them for life. Still though if you cut her off and she's trying to vent (and this is at least partially venting)... the kids are another line of communication. One that she doesn't have to use as long as you let her scream at you.

Of course if there are no kids then it's a whole lot easier to resolve. Just stop answering the fucking phone.

iannis said:

Well, serious answer. I don't think you do.

If she hates you that much, if she's that hurt over whatever... I think the best you're ever going to get is not screaming. You're never really going to be on talking terms. It will boil down, but even when it does -- she'll lay into you in an inside voice as a matter of habit. For whatever reasons right or wrong you are the enemy.

You can make it worse by trying to reconcile. Just let her scream. She wants her pound of flesh, it sounds like. You better give it to her because if you don't she might just take it from your kids. Keep her focus on you.

Click to expand...

Forget about it, every once in a while its a Friday, I have a good job, I'm healthy, just happy to be alive and feeling that all men/women should have love in their heart. I start thinking their really is no reason why I shouldn't be able to get along with my ex. Then I give her a call and am reminded 'Oh yeah, Now I remember why were divorced.' . I didn't call and Im not making that mistake again.

It's weird as time goes on I always forget about the bad things and just remember the good things. Do others do that?

Omi43221 said:

Forget about it, every once in a while its a Friday, I have a good job, I'm healthy, just happy to be alive and feeling that all men/women should have love in their heart. I start thinking their really is no reason why I shouldn't be able to get along with my ex. Then I give her a call and am reminded 'Oh yeah, Now I remember why were divorced.' . I didn't call and Im not making that mistake again.

It's weird as time goes on I always forget about the bad things and just remember the good things. Do others do that?

Click to expand...

I married some chick right after joining the Navy. Didn't last long, she cheated on me, I cheated on her, then she REALLY cheated on me. We didn't have kids or property or anything so we just blew it up. It took a while before we could have a civil conversation. But really, that was the end of everything. We had our back and forths, we would call each other up and either yell and scream, or one of us would try working it out and the other would not have it. The last conversation we had was good, though. We were friendly, like we used to be. I prefer to leave it at that. That's a nice way to end something that got super, super toxic at one point, better for both of us to just move on and have that one covnersation that was good. But it took a while to get there.

What's the difference between cheating and really cheating?

Two dicks at once?

Cheating is when she goes out and mistakenly falls on top of a dick a few times. Whoops. Sorry.

Really cheating is when she gets dolled up goes out find your best friend fucks him into a stupor, films it, send it to your mother while pointing out how your friend has a bigger dick and has actually gotten her off a couple times, unlike you, where she faked it, and was thinking about George Clooney the entire time.

Women are evil, truly evil.

In this case, cheating was she fucked some guy. And REALLY cheating was she fucked anything and anyone she could. I mean, I assume anyway. At that point it wasn't really cheating anymore as I guess we weren't still together, that relationship didn't have a lot of clear delineations.

My wife is driving me fucking nuts today. Just bitching from the moment I woke up. God kill me please

Alex said:

What's the difference between cheating and really cheating?

Click to expand...

Really cheating is blowing some guy in the parking lot after she told you she doesn't do that kind of thing.

Omi43221 said:

Really cheating is blowing some guy in the parking lot after she told you she doesn't do that kind of thing.

Click to expand...

*A cop

Today my wife spent nearly ten hours of her time helping me with a very complex art installation I've been working on for almost a month. We got incredibly close to finishing, and equipment started failing and I was getting right bitchy, and she just hung in there and helped me work it out, and we finished before 10 tonight. Now we have several days of nothing but chillax because of an intense day today.

I have to tell you, it was hot as an oven in the shop today, and watching my wife welding in a tank top while sweating got the old Evinrude cranking...

But seriously, ten hours. Not a thought about what she had to be working on. She saw how important it was to me to make progress today, she took it on.

There will be something where she has a similar need. My time will become hers, and we'll accomplish whatever it is she needs done. Typically this is something related to her teaching or publishing.

And this is, I think, what makes things work for us. Being willing to drop everything of your own when something critically important for your significant other comes up, and doing so joyfully. It took me years to realise how important that is. That's not just taking an interest in what's important to your spouse. Shit, you can do that by saying how cool whatever it is she's working on is. No, it's taking on the importance of that task for yourself, and seeing it through.

This is not a bragging/whatever post. I was struck today as I watched her do this for me, and I think it's solid advice for any relationship. When an important thing that requires time and energy comes up, pay attention, and see what you can do. I got a huge boost today because my wife totally bought in to what I was doing, and helped me make it happen. Outstanding.