Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Noodleface

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Picasso3 said:
No, i think my wife is going to go solo as we all kinda zeroed in on her anxiety.

I suggested xanex so she can zonk herself when she starts getting wound up too much as it's only once every few months but apparently psychologists don't like pills (prob because they can't write prescriptions).

I have enjoyed the freedom of the safe space while it lasted.
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Well that's good at least. As long as she isn't bitter

My brother in law and his girlfriend went to counseling at the best of his girlfriend because their relationship was on the rocks and she was certain it was all his fault. The counselor basically said 100% of the issues were the girlfriends fault. She ended up pulling them out of counseling and looked for a new one
 
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Cad

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Picasso3 said:
No, i think my wife is going to go solo as we all kinda zeroed in on her anxiety.

I suggested xanex so she can zonk herself when she starts getting wound up too much as it's only once every few months but apparently psychologists don't like pills (prob because they can't write prescriptions).

I have enjoyed the freedom of the safe space while it lasted.
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So what did you determine about her saying the counselor said you were unproductive or whatever at the sessions? Was that the wife bullshitting you?
 
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Picasso3

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So what did you determine about her saying the counselor said you were unproductive or whatever at the sessions? Was that the wife bullshitting you?
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It was accurate. It was a hanlons razor deal as far as I can tell, she was likely trying to figure out how to get me involved.

We got a pretty big kick out of the pudgy 18yo piano teacher telling me I was hard to read soon after.

It actually came up in a productive fashion in counseling later. Wife grew up in a highly emotional household where getting cut off in traffic could ruin a family vacation because they dad would have to rage, whereas, I have probably only told my parents I loved them maybe 3 times and we have a good relationship (counselor kind of made fun of this, was pretty funny) . Wife interprets low emotional output as not caring, yada yada.
 
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Picasso3

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Noodleface said:
Well that's good at least. As long as she isn't bitter

My brother in law and his girlfriend went to counseling at the best of his girlfriend because their relationship was on the rocks and she was certain it was all his fault. The counselor basically said 100% of the issues were the girlfriends fault. She ended up pulling them out of counseling and looked for a new one
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I think the third person keeps everyone civil enough to hold it together for the harder truths. I won't hesitate to go again.

Eg after my wife has a baby and her pussy is huge, I'll likely go to counseling to tell her to get a pussyplasty
 
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Phazael

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Khane said:
I don't think you know what the word "esteem" means Phaz.
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It is a subtle distinction, but self esteem and self worth are not one in the same. A man can realize that he fills a very insignificant role in the scheme of things and be completely fine with that, just as easily as he could be convinced of his importance but doubt himself as a person. The two concepts are not the same. Attractive women who expect to be given the world in exchange for pussy are some of the most insecure people on the planet.
 
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Phazael

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In my personal experience, "hard to read" is usually a euphemism for "I don't believe what you tell me", especially in the context of relationships. I know there are people who swear by therapists and having a "referee" to keep things civil, but I am not a big fan of it. If you need a goal tender to behave with someone you took vows with, its probably a sign that one or both parties do not have their hearts in it.

If you have kids who are still in school and/or you love your wife enough, then do whatever it takes. If not, then consider for a moment that life is too short to waste and you both might be better off moving on.
 
Khane

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Phazael said:
It is a subtle distinction, but self esteem and self worth are not one in the same.
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Interesting

self-es·teem
ˈˌself əˈstēm/
noun
  1. confidence in one's own worth or abilities; self-respect.
    "assertiveness training for those with low self-esteem"
    synonyms: self-respect, pride, dignity, self-regard, faith in oneself; More
 
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Picasso3

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Phazael said:
P Picasso3
In my personal experience, "hard to read" is usually a euphemism for "I don't believe what you tell me", especially in the context of relationships. I know there are people who swear by therapists and having a "referee" to keep things civil, but I am not a big fan of it. If you need a goal tender to behave with someone you took vows with, its probably a sign that one or both parties do not have their hearts in it.

If you have kids who are still in school and/or you love your wife enough, then do whatever it takes. If not, then consider for a moment that life is too short to waste and you both might be better off moving on.
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Fuck I really didn't want to get divorced tonight
 
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iannis

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Sessions are a fine thing. When they work what you get is a referee, a fresh insight into conflicts which are obviously at an impasse, and a compartmentalized safe space. That safe space is the most important. Its not the physical room, it is a boundary in the mind. Linking it to a physical place and person can be genuinely helpful to many people, although it is not necessary to do so.

That's when it works. As everything, it can also cause harm if any of the pieces are out of balance.
 
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iannis

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If you can do it with a counsellor you can do it without. But the important thing is to do it, and do it as well as possible.

Next time, if there is one, wifey might forego the referee and be open to a more direct approach.
 
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Cad

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Phazael said:
P Picasso3
In my personal experience, "hard to read" is usually a euphemism for "I don't believe what you tell me", especially in the context of relationships. I know there are people who swear by therapists and having a "referee" to keep things civil, but I am not a big fan of it. If you need a goal tender to behave with someone you took vows with, its probably a sign that one or both parties do not have their hearts in it.

If you have kids who are still in school and/or you love your wife enough, then do whatever it takes. If not, then consider for a moment that life is too short to waste and you both might be better off moving on.
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In an ideal world yes people would just be completely open and not put up walls or have resentment preventing straight communication on sensitive issues. But in the real world, a lot of times one person will pull back a little and not engage, and the other one will be like "fuck that I'm not chasing that bitch after how she treated me" and then they pull back, and that escalates until they aren't talking and do nothing but argue. Yes, the real answer is, if you love them then just break down and drop your resentment and open up, but then, what if the other party doesn't? Relationship is a constantly evolving thing. Having the "referee" there keeps both parties honest and helps them to open in a more safe environment.

Nothing wrong with it and if it works for him and gets him where he needs to be, then great. If it doesn't, plenty of time to drop the ho and move on.
 
Phazael

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At that point you are back to it not being a partnership of equals and both people not taking the relationship seriously, at least in my view. Fixing a fucked up relationship is hard, so I don't fault people for doing the counselling thing if they are determined to do it, but I think most of the time it just ends up being a band aid and not a permanent solution. I am old fashioned and for me, I would suck it up and just live in a bad situation to keep my vows. Luckily I am not in that situation, so I don't know for sure how I would react to a situation like P3's, but I have been in bad relationships where one person has checked out. Unless both people are committed to fixing things, you can't repair that sort of situation with or without a ref. But humans are stubborn creatures and I can understand sticking to it after you have been with someone so long that the negativity becomes normal.
 
Cad

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Phazael said:
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At that point you are back to it not being a partnership of equals and both people not taking the relationship seriously, at least in my view. Fixing a fucked up relationship is hard, so I don't fault people for doing the counselling thing if they are determined to do it, but I think most of the time it just ends up being a band aid and not a permanent solution. I am old fashioned and for me, I would suck it up and just live in a bad situation to keep my vows. Luckily I am not in that situation, so I don't know for sure how I would react to a situation like P3's, but I have been in bad relationships where one person has checked out. Unless both people are committed to fixing things, you can't repair that sort of situation with or without a ref. But humans are stubborn creatures and I can understand sticking to it after you have been with someone so long that the negativity becomes normal.
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Do you should either break up with anyone the moment a relationship hits the rocks, then? Or stick it out in silence because of some sense of propriety? Those seem to be the two options you're espousing here. I'd rather than make an attempt, through whatever means, to work it out.
 
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Picasso3

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Phazael said:
Cad Cad
At that point you are back to it not being a partnership of equals and both people not taking the relationship seriously, at least in my view. Fixing a fucked up relationship is hard, so I don't fault people for doing the counselling thing if they are determined to do it, but I think most of the time it just ends up being a band aid and not a permanent solution. I am old fashioned and for me, I would suck it up and just live in a bad situation to keep my vows. Luckily I am not in that situation, so I don't know for sure how I would react to a situation like P3's, but I have been in bad relationships where one person has checked out. Unless both people are committed to fixing things, you can't repair that sort of situation with or without a ref. But humans are stubborn creatures and I can understand sticking to it after you have been with someone so long that the negativity becomes normal.
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Is all this stemming from the fact that a counselor and piano teacher told me I was hard to read?

I think we're kind of immature and weird, one of my flaws is I'm reclusive and droll and one of hers is that she's overly emotional, 3rd person helps us meet in the middle, no major life ending crisis required, but I recognize our flaws have a troublesome synergy.

I'd say now that we've gone through this exercise we'll be better at communicating on our own as well.
 
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Phazael

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Bailing early is Khaines move (or used to be, he seems different in his present situation). Sticking it out forever is how I was raised and what I like to think what I would do. But realistically, I think P3 has to decide if both he and his wife are serious about fixing things. If you have kids under 20, then I think you are obligated to tough it out, regardless, unless the other person is dangerous to the well being of the children. I guess I am saying its complicated, but there is a point where a reasonable person has to accept that something is over and throw in the towel and I do not personally believe that a counselor makes any difference in that situation. But I don't begrudge anyone for trying it, especially if they love their wife enough to exhaust all options. Everyone's relationship is different on some levels and P3 has to take in all the advice and work it out for himself, for sure. The mental ennui spiral his marriage seems to be in is a hard thing to sort out and there is not going to be any sort of simple answer to it. Communication disconnect is one of the toughest things to deal with in any relationship.
 
Khane

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If you need advice on how to break up with her just PM me.
 
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Mrs. Gravy

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So, I immediately read that Picasso's wife is going to fuck the marriage counselor when he answered she was going solo to the question posed.
 
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