Marriage and the Power of Divorce

I'm getting the details in September

Adebisi said:

Isn't divorce only reeeeally needed if you want to get re-married?

My ex and I are currently working through our separation agreement. I'm going to keep the house and pay her out half of what it's current value is (minus mortgage of course). She's keeping the Honda Pilot, I keep the Honda Civic ... I get a little back from that deal, since the Pilot is pristine. Now working on the kids schedule - which is 50/50.

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starting the process myself and this is likely what we'll be doing. we don't have much in savings, so whoever moves out really can't until we sell/buyout. are you going to buyout/refinance before the divorce is final? is there any reason you need to do one before the other?

Sex life probs. Last summer my wife and I started IVF and during the process sex was pretty much off the table - doctor's orders. Before that our sex life was fairly active, at the very least once a week but usually 2 - 3 times a week. I'd say my appetite was usually higher than hers but barely. After three months she got pregnant (huzzah!). For some reason I always thought pregnant women were super horny and so we were going to be having a ton of sex - spoiler alert, she wasn't one of those women. To make things worse early into the pregnancy the doctors prohibited sex due to high risk (in our 30s, ivf, twins). I was gutted but she was bearing the burden of this process so I didn't see the benefit of complaining. Fast forward to today and the twins are now 3 months old, thriving, finally starting to sleep over 6 hours a night. They were 6 weeks premature and spent some time in the NICU so at the start our days were incredibly exhausting. I have been like a ravenous beast, so thirsty for sex, and she's not been in the mood for it at all. She says her hormones feel all out of whack and she's so busy worrying about the babies and stressing about money and going back to work that she just isn't aroused and sex isn't appealing to her at all. I do understand where she's coming from, but at the same time sex is on my mind so much and not having it is really messing with my ego and my head. Anyone else experience a drought like this and what did you do?

I'm sure you guys have experienced this so looking for advice.

Tldr: my wife is complaining about my gaming.

Here's the thing. During most of the year I don't really game EXCEPT I raid two nights a week. Ive been doing this for about 4 years now. FoH was a little more casual whereas new guild is a little more competitive.

Starting about a year ago she started making comments about it, and my 'second family'. The new expansion launched a couple weeks ago so I've been playing more, but usually after she goes to bed. She talks shit now incessantly. At first I thought it she was joking but there's definitely malice in her tone.

First things first - if it came down to it I'd choose my wife over a game. I'm just having a hard time figuring out why she is being quite frankly a huge bitch about it.

1. I always make sure I play after kids go to bed.
2. I try to keep it at a minimum schedule.
3. I never let it get in the way of important events or family.

The constant negative comments are driving me insane. I've had some real bad thoughts that I can't publicly write here and it stems from this. Also this is deja Vu or I wrote this post before.

Yes bros, im a 34 year old loser playing wow, I know it sounds stupid but it's one of my two hobbies in my life (other is guitar). At the end of my rope.

My only thought is for years I spent nearly all day every day with her and she doesn't like me doing my own thing. I've tried to get her into hobbies but she has no friends. Thinking about seeing if her mom will go out to eat with her once a week.

Noodleface said:

I'm sure you guys have experienced this so looking for advice.

Tldr: my wife is complaining about my gaming.

Here's the thing. During most of the year I don't really game EXCEPT I raid two nights a week. Ive been doing this for about 4 years now. FoH was a little more casual whereas new guild is a little more competitive.

Starting about a year ago she started making comments about it, and my 'second family'. The new expansion launched a couple weeks ago so I've been playing more, but usually after she goes to bed. She talks shit now incessantly. At first I thought it she was joking but there's definitely malice in her tone.

First things first - if it came down to it I'd choose my wife over a game. I'm just having a hard time figuring out why she is being quite frankly a huge bitch about it.

1. I always make sure I play after kids go to bed.
2. I try to keep it at a minimum schedule.
3. I never let it get in the way of important events or family.

The constant negative comments are driving me insane. I've had some real bad thoughts that I can't publicly write here and it stems from this. Also this is deja Vu or I wrote this post before.

Yes bros, im a 34 year old loser playing wow, I know it sounds stupid but it's one of my two hobbies in my life (other is guitar). At the end of my rope.

My only thought is for years I spent nearly all day every day with her and she doesn't like me doing my own thing. I've tried to get her into hobbies but she has no friends. Thinking about seeing if her mom will go out to eat with her once a week.

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It doesn't sound to me like you're being unreasonable about this. It sounds more like she's being unreasonable. Have you confronted her? Ask her point blank "I game after the kids are in bed, a few nights a week, and it never has an impact on family events. Why is this a problem?"

Give her a chance to explain what the issue is. If you can't do that, then there's not a lot of chance to have any kind of productive conversation.

Noodleface said:

I'm sure you guys have experienced this so looking for advice.

Tldr: my wife is complaining about my gaming.

Here's the thing. During most of the year I don't really game EXCEPT I raid two nights a week. Ive been doing this for about 4 years now. FoH was a little more casual whereas new guild is a little more competitive.

Starting about a year ago she started making comments about it, and my 'second family'. The new expansion launched a couple weeks ago so I've been playing more, but usually after she goes to bed. She talks shit now incessantly. At first I thought it she was joking but there's definitely malice in her tone.

First things first - if it came down to it I'd choose my wife over a game. I'm just having a hard time figuring out why she is being quite frankly a huge bitch about it.

1. I always make sure I play after kids go to bed.
2. I try to keep it at a minimum schedule.
3. I never let it get in the way of important events or family.

The constant negative comments are driving me insane. I've had some real bad thoughts that I can't publicly write here and it stems from this. Also this is deja Vu or I wrote this post before.

Yes bros, im a 34 year old loser playing wow, I know it sounds stupid but it's one of my two hobbies in my life (other is guitar). At the end of my rope.

My only thought is for years I spent nearly all day every day with her and she doesn't like me doing my own thing. I've tried to get her into hobbies but she has no friends. Thinking about seeing if her mom will go out to eat with her once a week.

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I don’t think you need to justify gaming as a hobby here.

I think you probably need to bite the bullet and ask her what the issue is next time she makes a negative comment. It’s not helping anyone to just keep ignoring the issue since you both seem to be getting increasingly annoyed and upset by it.

I have asked her what the deal is and she always mentions I spend more time in there than with her. It's a patently false statement on her part. I raid on a set schedule of 9:30PM to 1:30AM on Tues/Thursday. With her going to bed at 11:00 I'm roughly robbing her of 3 hours a week. Granted, a new expansion dropped and I told her beforehand I needed to play a lot more for a few weeks to be ready and then the schedule would dip again.

It wouldn't bother me if it wasn't constant. Literally every time I go in there she say something nasty and it grates on me. I don't think I'm being unreasonable here at all, but maybe I am. Maybe I'm supposed to just sit there watching crap TV talking about my day for 7 hours a night.

Deathwing said:

Are you acting like you want to spend more time with the game instead of her? This is regardless of whether you're properly controlling your gaming time or not.

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I don't think so. For instance, last night I told her that later in the night I'd probably go on for a little bit after we spent some time together (close to her bed time). When I came home from work we all hung out, cooked and ate food, did kids baths and bedtime routine, watched a couple of shows, worked out. Then as soon as I stood up she went "oh, running off to your second family" in a really nasty tone. Actually this made me really angry, but I kept that internal. I felt like I did nothing to provoke the reaction I received. I don't talk about the game anymore, I don't play while the kids are awake, I don't post on the forums at night, I don't involve her in anything with the game because she mocks all of it. My focus is entirely on my family.

Deathwing said:

Are you happier when you're gaming than with her? Do you spend more time thinking about WoW instead of her? These can manifest in your behavior and though subtle, she can pick up on them.

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Happier is tough to answer. Lately? Yes. The reason I say this is just how nasty she's become over it. I'd rather be by myself lately. When we're just relaxing at night it's fine, but she's also been nitpicking just about everything I do lately - I stay up too late, I didn't put something away correctly, I'm not working out enough, I don't care about my health, I care about WoW more than her, I have too many hobbies and too little time for her, I didn't do the dishes to her liking, etc. The mood in the room can go from everything is fine to I want to murder my wife in about 3 seconds, and it happens CONSTANTLY.

I don't really think about WoW outside of "I have to be online for 9:30PM tonight." I'm not obsessed by any stretch of imagination, it's just something I do a couple nights a week. When I was a kid I played 7 days a week, I just don't do that now.

BTW, something I've noticed. Her mother does this to her father, except they now spend 0 time together. I guess that's what my wife is subconsciously pushing for because most times she's just making me angry. It's been a long time since you guys got some quality Noodleface complaining.

Noodleface said:

It wouldn't bother me if it wasn't constant. Literally every time I go in there she say something nasty and it grates on me. I don't think I'm being unreasonable here at all, but maybe I am. Maybe I'm supposed to just sit there watching crap TV talking about my day for 7 hours a night.

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Given any thought to putting a TV either in your gaming room or your computer in a room with a TV? I've dated plenty of women who did the same thing your wife is doing if I wanted to play games though it never happened until we were either living together or spending a lot of nights together. They were never actually mad about the gaming itself, they were mad they couldn't talk to me while I was doing it. And that always meant the same thing, me sitting there watching their shitty reality television shows with them. I never gave it enough thought to try alleviating the issue because I'm a punk and would just tell them too bad, but over the years I've come to believe that just having the computer in the same room as a couch and a TV would have solved it. The same thing happens to most of my married friends who have any hobbies that keep them away from their wives during "TV time." And none of them are gamers.

Khane said:

Given any thought to putting a TV either in your gaming room or your computer in a room with a TV? I've dated plenty of women who did the same thing your wife is doing if I wanted to play games though it never happened until we were either living together or spending a lot of nights together. They were never actually mad about the gaming itself, they were mad they couldn't talk to me while I was doing it. And that always meant the same thing, me sitting there watching their shitty reality television shows with them. I never gave it enough thought to try alleviating the issue because I'm a punk and would just tell them too bad, but over the years I've come to believe that just having the computer in the same room as a couch and a TV would have solved it. The same thing happens to most of my married friends who have any hobbies that keep them away from their wives during "TV time." And none of them are gamers.

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Both are impossible. Can't put the PC in the living room because of the small kids, can't use the TV in my office because previously documented evidence of my office being destroyed by her.